My Own Mr. Darcy (35 page)

“Sure. I’ll put it on.”
Chad put in the DVD and hit the play button before putting the remote on the
table in front of me. “There you go.”

“Can’t you stay and watch
the movie with me?”

“I should probably get
going.”

It was a crazy reaction
but suddenly tears filled my eyes and I was saying words I didn’t mean to say.
“Please Chad. Please stay and watch the movie with me.”

Chad looked tormented. A
tear escaped my eye and I quickly brushed it away. He reached down and touched
my hair. “I should . . .”

I reached up and held onto
his wrist, as he touched my cheek. “Please.”

Time hesitated, suspended
between seconds. Piano music melted around us smothering thoughts of whether
Chad should be here. I still held Chad’s wrist. Another tear spilled down my
cheek and Chad wiped it away with his thumb.

Without a word, Chad sat
down beside me. He tucked the throw under my feet and patted my knee. I put my
arm through his and rested my head against his shoulder. He felt stiff and
uncomfortable at first but finally he relaxed and his breathing became even.

Somewhere in the back of
my tired and lonely mind a warning voice sounded in my ears. You’re a fool.
You’re going to hurt someone. You’re so selfish you can’t even decide what you
want. Matt loves you and you’re sitting here hugging Chad’s arm. Stop being so
cruel. What’s wrong with you?

Another voice answered
back. But I’m sick. I’m lonely and tired. And Chad’s so kind and generous and thoughtful
and he cares about you.

Suddenly I couldn’t
breathe. On the screen, Mr. Darcy was at the assembly ball, looking at
Elizabeth with arrogance and curiosity. All I could see was Matt looking at me
with a hurt and puzzled look.

Confusion filled my mind.
I tried to sort through my jumbled thoughts and emotions but it just made me
tired. Thoughts slowly fell away and I relaxed, floating in and out of balls
and dinners and thoughts of Chad and Matt.

“He looks like Matt,
doesn’t he?” I asked.

Chad tensed beside me.
“Yeah, I guess he does.” There was a long pause and I closed my eyes, nearly
asleep.  I don’t know how much time passed. “Lizzie, is that why you’re with
him?”

I hesitated. “I guess so.”
I shivered under the throw as a chill settled over me again. “That’s bad, isn’t
it? I’m a terrible person.” Chad put his hand over mine. “I’m sorry,” I
whispered.

“Shh. Wait ‘til you’re
feeling better to worry about this.”

The movie ended and the
same twenty-second clip of piano played three times before Chad turned it off
with the remote. “I’m going now,” he said and I nodded. He scooted to the front
of the couch and put his hands on his knees, turning to look at me.

“Thanks for everything,” I
said.

Chad’s eyes held mine. He
leaned toward me and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead his lips
lightly touched my hair. “We’ll talk soon. Get well, Lizzie.”

I stayed there on the
couch, snuggled in the blanket. I tried not to think of the past. I didn’t want
to think about the mess I’d created. I tried not to think of the future because
no matter what future I chose, the path looked perilous and painful.

IF I WAS GOING TO
get
sick, I picked the right week to do it. Before being leveled by the flu, I had
the deadline on The Children’s Room and my interview with Emma Cho. The weeks
after my malaise would be filled with the grand opening of the Seattle
Salamander, the unveiling of The Children’s Room and Janessa’s bridal shower,
rehearsal dinner and wedding.

The flu had weakened me
and stripped me of several pounds but I felt much better when I went to work on
Monday. Weariness weighed down on me by the end of the day and all I wanted to
do was eat dinner and sleep.

“I have good news,” Matt
said when he called that evening. He was in Seattle for a couple of days but
would return Thursday or Friday to take me back with him to the big
celebration.

“I like good news,” I
said.

“My parents are coming.”

Tenseness gripped my
stomach. This was not good news to me. My feelings were all over the place and
I’d hoped the weekend would give me a chance to enjoy Matt’s company and pull
myself back together. Throwing Matt’s parents into the mix would only make the
weekend stressful. I was surprised at my reaction. For years I’d daydreamed and
planned and hoped for someone just like Matt. A year ago, I’d have been
ecstatic to know that the man I’d dreamed of since I was a girl was in love
with me and wanted to introduce me to his parents. Instead, the news filled me
with dread.

“That’s nice,” I said,
trying to sound happier than I felt.

“Don’t worry, Elizabeth. I
told them all about you.”

“What did you tell them?”
I asked. I wasn’t digging for compliments or being coy. I needed to know what I
was walking into. Did they think I was just a girl he was casually dating or
did they think things were serious?

“You really want
specifics?” Matt asked.

“Only if you want to tell
me,” I said, offering him a way out if he wanted it.

“I told them I was dating
a beautiful girl that I wanted them to meet. I told them you’re smart and
talented. I told them you’re working with one of the best interior design
houses in Portland.”

“You didn’t mention that
I’m a bank teller?” I shouldn’t have let it bother me, but it did.

“No. I don’t think of you
as a bank teller. I think of you as a designer.” That was a nice thing to say
but it didn’t ring true. I hated my cynicism and I told myself to stop doubting
him. “I also told them I love you and that I’m planning for you to be part of
my life for a long time.”

This was the place I was
supposed to swoon as my teenage fantasies came true.

Instead, I was overcome
with panic. Perhaps it would have been better if I’d been sick during the grand
opening. How was I supposed to spend the weekend acting like the love of Matt’s
life when my feelings were so muddled.

“Elizabeth? Is something
wrong?”

“I’m sorry, Matt. I was
just thinking.”

“They’re excited to meet
you.”

“It will be nice to meet
them, too.”

“You sound tired and I am,
too. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Sweet dreams, Matt.”

I was brushing my teeth
when my phone chirped.

CHAD: ARE YOU IN BED YET?

Why did I have to be so
happy to hear from him? Why couldn’t I be happy with the happily ever after
that was practically in my grasp?

LIZZIE: JUST BRUSHING MY
TEETH.

CHAD: GOOD. I DIDN’T WANT
TO WAK YOU. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

LIZZIE: MUCH BETTER. I
WENT TO WORK TODAY.

CHAD: HOW DID IT GO?

LIZZIE: I’M PRETTY TIRED
TONIGHT BUT IT WENT WELL. IT CERTAINLY WASN’T DESIGNING BUT OH WELL.

CHAD: SOON YOU’LL BE ABLE
TO GIVE THEM YOUR NOTICE AND DESIGN FULL TIME.

LIZZIE: I HOPE SO. MATT
TOLD HIS PARENTS I’M AN INTERIOR DESIGNER. DIDN’T EVEN MENTION THE BANK.

As soon as I mentioned
Matt I felt guilty. As long as I was dating him, I needed to put him front and
center. But doing that made me feel unkind, like I was dangling him in front of
Chad’s face. I had to make some decisions before I went crazy. I felt like I
was betraying both of them.

Chad took longer to respond
after that and I wondered if I’d upset him.

CHAD: I WANT TO TALK TO
YOU.

CHAD: ACTUALLY, I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU.

LIZZIE: YOU DO?

CHAD: YOU KNOW I DO.

The gravity of Chad’s
words traveled through the phone and squeezed my lungs. I could hardly take a breath.
I wanted to put off this conversation until I was sure of myself but that
wasn’t fair either. It couldn’t always be about what was easiest for me.
Sometimes it had to be about what someone else needed and right now Chad needed
some answers. I just wasn’t sure I had them.

LIZZIE: I KNOW.

CHAD: CAN I COME BY
TOMORROW? MAYBE WE COULD GO FOR A WALK.

LIZZIE: SURE.

CHAD: 6 OKAY?

LIZZIE: 6 IS FINE.

CHAD: SEE YOU TOMORROW.

I was a little sad at the
abrupt end of our conversation but what were we going to do? Talk about the
sand in our shoes when the Sahara was stretched out between us?

Chad was right on time. He
smiled but his smile seemed tighter than usual.

“Do you want to come in?”
I asked.

“Let’s just walk.”

The evening was mild and
pleasant. The smells of spring filled the air. We walked in silence for the
first block and I began to think we weren’t going to talk at all. Finally, Chad
shoved his hands in his pockets and spoke.

“I’m not sure where to
start, Lizzie.”

“You can start wherever
you want,” I said.

Chad took a deep breath.
“The other night you said something and I don’t know if it was because you were
sick and delirious or if I actually understood you right.”

“I was sick. But I wasn’t
delirious.”

“So you really are with
Matt because he looks like Mr. Darcy?” Chad sounded incredulous.

“That sounds so shallow
and silly,” I said. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“Can you explain?”

I didn’t know how to
start. At least a minute passed as we walked silently. Chad waited and I knew
eventually I’d have to speak. Might as well get started. “Chad, when I was sixteen
my mom took Janessa and me to see
Pride and Prejudice
. The one I’ve
watched with you twice. I didn’t think I’d like it.” I sighed, feeling foolish.
“But from the moment Mr. Darcy appeared on the screen, I was smitten.”

“You do realize he’s a
fictional character, right?” There was an edge in Chad’s voice I’d never heard
before.

“Of course, I do.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know he’s fictional, Chad,
but most fiction is based in reality.” Chad looked dubious but I barreled
ahead. “I decided after that movie that I wanted to find someone just like
him.”

“You wanted to find
someone just like the fictional man Jane Austen imagined in her mind?”

“Yes,” I said. I knew it
sounded insane but I wanted him to understand so I kept going. “But I didn’t
want just any Mr. Darcy. I wanted someone like the one in the movie.” We walked
a couple of minutes in silence. “I know it sounds crazy but Chad, he’s nearly
perfect and I wanted that.”