My Soul Cries Out (23 page)

“Out. Get out, Alaysia.” I pulled Alaysia's arm to get her off my bed and pushed her out the door. “No more matchmaking, thank you. I'm going to the pet store tomorrow to start buying cats. Why wait 'til I get older?”

“Monnie, really, you don't—”

“Out.” I closed the door firmly behind her. I let out a scream and pulled off my jeans and turtleneck and took a quick shower before jumping into bed.

I pulled the covers over my head.
God, I know I wasn't supposed to go out with him, so that's on me. I don't want to hear You say I told you so.

I cried into my pillow.
Help me, God. I'm lonely. I'm trying to be happy with just me and You, but I really want babies and a husband. I know You're my Husband, but can't I have one down here I can hug and kiss, who hugs and kisses me back and keeps me warm at night? Not that You're not enough, but . . . please, God. Please.

I
was glad I had to focus on getting the business going. It kept me from thinking about what happened with Alex.

Alaysia and I hired painters to tone down the colors in the gym. We wanted to decrease some of the sensory overload. Alaysia wanted to take down the televisions in the cardio room because she wanted people to be able to focus on how their body felt while they worked out, but I argued that people needed the distraction to make it through their workout. We decided to decrease the levels on the house music some. Alaysia wanted to do smooth jazz and New Age music, but I argued that people came to work out, not sleep.

Our first staff meeting was great. Everyone was excited about Alaysia and I taking over. They were even more excited about their raises. We opened up the floor for suggestions on how people thought the gym could run better. About half of them were feasible, and Alaysia and I decided to incorporate them into our plan.

In six weeks, we were ready for our grand re-opening. I debated as to whether to invite Alex. I felt like he deserved to be there because of all of his help, but at the same time, I felt awkward about what had happened on our non-date. I decided to be a grown-up about it and called him. I went into our office in the gym and closed the door securely behind me.

“Alex? It's Monica.”

“Oh, hey, Monica. Long time no hear from. How are things going with the gym?”

“Great. That's why I'm calling. I wanted to invite you to our grand re-opening. It's next Friday evening at eight. It wouldn't be the same without you.”

“I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

“Good. I'll see you there.”

“Okay.”

The pregnant silence let me know that he was waiting for me to explain myself.

“Alex, I'm really sorry about the whole episode at the salsa club. I shouldn't have left like that.”

“I know I kinda shook you up. It's hard to know when to tell a person, and we were just supposed to be hanging buddies, and I didn't expect for things to, you know, go as good as they did, and . . . well, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, Alex. I'm glad I found out early on, before . . . things got any further.”

“Now that you've had time to get used to the idea, I was wondering if you'd like to go out again.”

Was he serious? “Alex, I don't know. I—”

“Come on, Monica. I really had a good time that night. I know you did, too. I know what we said about hanging buddies, but I felt like we connected. Like it could be more than that.”

I fingered the loops in the telephone cord. “Alex, let me be honest. If I was gonna be with you, I might as well stay with my soon-to-be ex-husband.”

“Oh.” Silence. “Oh. I didn't know. No wonder you ran off like that. I'm sorry. Must have been traumatic for you.”

“Traumatic is a good way to describe it.”

We sat there, not saying anything.

“Alex, I still want you to come to the opening.”

“I'll be there, Monica. I promise. Maybe we can still be friends. I enjoy your company.”

“I don't know, Alex. We sorta proved men and women can't be friends. At least not with such a fine, sexy specimen of a man as yourself.”

“You're the sexy one. Especially doing the salsa. Man, you really put it on me.”

We laughed. “See you next Friday?”

“I'll be there.”

T
he gym was packed to capacity with people wishing us well for our grand re-opening. It was funny seeing people I normally saw only in exercise gear dressed in fancy clothes. I bought a red cocktail dress with the whole upper back out. Alaysia said she had to watch me because I was starting to dress like a hoochie since I lost so much weight. I told her I liked showing my sculpted arms and back. I worked hard to get them that way and deserved to show them off.

Talinda came over with her mom to greet me.

“Talinda, you look great. I can't believe how much weight you've lost.” I motioned for her to turn around in a circle.

She posed proudly. “Thanks to you, girl.”

I gave her mom a kiss on the cheek. “And you look great, too, Ms. Gaines.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Thank you, baby. Y'all need to start a senior citizens program for me and my friends. If you do it right, I bet they'd all leave the Y and come here.”

I nodded. “Sounds like something I need to look into.”

Ms. Gaines said, “I ain't trying to waste y'all's catering money. Especially since this is healthy food.” She sauntered off to the spread of food we had catered by Whole Foods Market.

Talinda shook her head. “She'd be losing a lot more weight if she'd stop eating so much. I tell her it's not enough to only exercise. She really has to . . . who is that fine brotha over there?”

I followed her eyes across the room and saw Alex. I smiled and waved.

“Girl, you know him? Is he your new man?”

“Naw, girl. I ain't tryin' to get with him. It's a long story.”

“What's up with you and these fine men and the long stories? I'm trying to have your kinda drama in my life.”

If she only knew.

Alex walked up and kissed me on the cheek and we exchanged a hug. Talinda gave a little wave and followed her mom to the food table.

“Monica, you know you ain't right for wearing that dress.” Alex looked me up and down.

I turned slowly, model-style. “You like?”

“Yeah, a little too much. You sure we can't go out again? I promise, no more run-ins with old friends.”

I laughed. “Alex, I thought we settled this.”

“Can't blame me for trying. I did want to see if you wanted to grab some coffee afterward. I want to talk to you about what you mentioned on the phone.”

“What?”

“Coffee. After the opening.”

“Alex.”

“I only want to talk. I promise. No dancing or anything else.”

I hesitated. “Okay, I'll think about it.”

“Let me introduce you to a couple of doctors I invited. I sent them your brochure and they're anxious to meet you.”

Alex had designed a brochure specifically targeted for doctors' offices. On the front were my before and after pictures, and on the inside, I explained about the diabetes and high blood pressure with my before and after labs and blood pressure readings in there. I knew the doctors liked seeing the numbers on paper. It gave them proof our program worked.

Alex introduced me to the group of physicians he had invited.

“So, this is the nurse you were telling us could ‘cure' diabetes and high blood pressure, huh?” A tall, cinnamon-colored doctor shook my hand a little too long.

“I wouldn't say ‘cure'.” I pulled my hand away and stepped closer to Alex.

I chatted with the doctors for a while then spent the rest of the evening mingling with the other guests. Every once in a while, I looked up to see Alex staring at me. He winked and waved then continued schmoozing. We had some high power clients at our gym, so I hoped he was making some good business contacts.

When the guests dwindled down to a few, Alaysia, Khalil and I started cleaning up. Some of the staff members and regular clients helped out. I noticed Alex talking to Eric, one of the personal trainers, in the corner. He caught my eye and winked. He handed Eric a business card and came over to me.

I raised my eyebrows. “New friend?”

“We were talking business. He wants to open his own gym out in the southeast part of town. Looks like you guys inspired him to strike out on his own.”

“Hmmm. He ain't the brightest firefly in the forest. Know that it won't be as easy as working with me.”

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Ms. Harris?”

“Not at all, Mr. Thompson. Just letting you know what you're getting into.”

He smiled. “Ready for coffee?”

I looked around. Most of the guests were gone. Alaysia came over. “You heading out?”

“You guys okay here?” I asked.

“Yeah, we got it. You guys go ahead.” She gave me this strange look like she couldn't believe I was leaving with Alex. She walked back over to the food table.

I turned back to Alex. “So, where are we getting this coffee?”

“Wanna go to Tarrazu?”

I shrugged. “Sounds good.”

“You can ride with me and I'll bring you back here. No sense in taking two cars.”

“No way, man. A girl never knows when she may have to make a quick exit.”

He chuckled. “All right then. I'll meet you there in a few.”

 

 

When I walked into the dimly lit environment, I wondered if Alex had more on his agenda than talking. The café was small, and the tables close and intimate. I followed him to a table in the corner. I purposely sat across the table from him instead of next to him.

He smiled. “Afraid I'll bite?”

“Maybe I'm afraid I'll bite. What's up, Alex? What did you want to talk about?”

“Relax a second. Order some coffee.”

“Alex.”

He took my hand. “I wanted to talk to you, or let you talk about what you mentioned on the phone.”

I frowned. “What did I mention on the phone?”

“You said if you were gonna be with me, you might as well be with your ex-husband. The way you said it, and the way you took off so quick that night at the salsa club let me know something bad must have happened and you're still hurt behind it.” Alex shrugged. “I thought you might want to talk about it.”

I looked at him. He sat there and waited.

“There's nothing to talk about. I'm trying to put it behind me.”

“Doesn't look like you're doing a good job of it.”

“Why do you say that? I think I've done a very good job. In the eight months I've been in Atlanta, I've changed my lifestyle, lost a ton of weight, conquered diabetes and high blood pressure, and successfully started a business. I think I'm doing pretty darn good.”

“That's not what your eyes say.”

I let out a deep breath and picked up a coffee menu. “You buying?”

Alex flagged down the waiter and we ordered two lattes. He put his hand on mine. He wasn't giving off his sensual energy this time. He just felt like a friend.

The jazz playing overhead was soothing. I let it and the rich, robust aroma of gourmet coffee relax me as we sat there listening for a while.

“You remind me a lot of him. Of my husband,” I finally said.

“How so?”

“Beautiful eyes that look down deep into my heart, great listener who makes me feel like you're genuinely interested in what I have to say, affectionate and touchy-feely.”

“He's not as good-looking as me, though, right?”

“Sorry, Alex. He's better looking than you are.”

“Oh, I'm crushed. That means I don't have a chance, huh?” He looked at me with those eyes I thought I could lose myself in. “You still love him a lot, huh?”

The waiter brought our drinks. I took a sip of my latte. Nodded. Took another sip and then picked up a napkin to catch the single tear that escaped my eye.

Alex rubbed my arm. “What happened?”

“I walked in on him and one of his old lovers.” I bit my lip. Why was I talking about this?

“Did you know he was bi when you married him?”

I shook my head and wiped my eyes. I hadn't cried about this in months, but talking about it now, it felt as fresh as when it first happened. I guess Alex was right. I hadn't done a good job of putting it behind me. It was like my junk closet at home. I pushed all the feelings inside and closed the door as quickly as I could. As long as the door stayed closed, I was okay. The minute I turned the knob, all the stuff came pouring out.

“So he decided to go back with his old lover?”

“No. He said it was a one-time mistake and he loves me and wants to stay married. He loses it when I even bring up the subject of divorce.” I briefly told him Kevin's story. I figured the two of them would never meet, and I felt like I could trust Alex.

Alex sipped his latte. “Sounds like you really love him and he really loves you. You don't think you can forgive him?”

“I have forgiven him.”

“Then why aren't the two of you back together?”

“Have you heard anything I've said?” I rolled my eyes. “Why am I explaining this to you? You're okay with this whole mixed sexual preference couple thing.”

Alex chuckled. “Your case is different. You said your husband wanted to be straight and he believed God had made him straight.”

“Yeah, but obviously He didn't.”

“I don't think that one-time event means He didn't.”

“Are you telling me you believe God can make a gay man straight?”

“I lost my best... ‘friend' that way, so yes, I believe it.”

“What do you mean, you lost your best friend that way?”

“My partner from one of the best relationships I've ever been in started going to this church pastored by an ex-gay and his wife, and after a lot of church and therapy, he ‘changed.' He's happily married now with three kids. His wife is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.”

I looked at him. I tried to suppress the seed of hope rising up in my soul. I was moving on with my life without Kevin, and I didn't want to go daydreaming about God delivering him and us getting back together again.

My heart wanted to believe it, though. Wanted to believe Kevin could be okay and that we could get back together and have babies and I wouldn't end up alone living with fifty cats or dogs or fish or whatever in a cold bed all by myself.

“Monica?”

“Yeah?” I shook myself out of my daze.

“You okay?”

“Just thinking. I don't know what to believe. They actually have churches where they make gay people straight?” I lowered my voice and leaned toward him. The couple at the next table was close enough to hear our conversation.

Alex nodded. “There's this whole national group of ministries of thousands of people who used to be “in the life,” who've gone through whatever process they take the people through, and they say they're happily heterosexual now, in healthy relationships, married with kids, all that good stuff.”

“How come you never went to one?”

Alex laughed. “Because I'm happy being who I am. I know there are a lot of homosexuals and bisexuals out there who are miserable with their lives—unhappy and gay, as they call them. I'm not one of them. I'm happy being bisexual, and I don't want to change.” He leaned closer and spoke right into my ear. “I must admit, meeting you made me think about it, though.”

I was too stunned by everything he was saying to respond to his flirting.

“That was a joke, Monica.”

“I'm sorry. I'm thinking. After that day, I never considered me and my husband getting back together. I figured it was over and I had to move on. I never thought . . .” I shook my head. “So much for being a Christian with faith, huh?”

“Don't beat yourself up about it. Sounds like the way everything came out was pretty traumatic for you. I think most women would have responded the same way.”

Alex put his hand on mine. “I have to get you a copy of the pastor's book. My ‘friend' sent it to me a few years back. I guess he was so happy with his new life, he wanted to share it with me. I have to dig it out of a box somewhere.”

“Thanks. I'd like to read it.”

“I'll have to see if I can get you the pastor's contact information too. They're right here in Atlanta. If nothing else, you should talk to somebody. Whether you decide to stay with your husband or not, you still need to be able to get over this.”

“Thanks, Alex.” I kissed his cheek. “I might have to take back what I said about us not being able to be friends.”

“We can be friends as long as you don't wear those sexy dresses. And you can't be kissing and touching all over me either. I'm still a man.”

I laughed.

“Seriously, that's what friendship is all about. Me helping you get back together with your husband and ruining my chances of being able to get with you.”

I laughed and punched his arm.

We finished our lattes and Alex walked me to my car. He hugged me. “I'll call you when I find the book. Remember, if it doesn't work out with you and your husband, I might be willing to look into this deliverance thing. You could make me want to change.”

I shook my head. “You never stop trying, do you, Alex?”

“Would I be this successful if I did?”

 

 

Later that night, when I climbed into bed, Alex's words kept ringing in my head. Could God really make a gay man straight? I knew Kevin would be willing to do whatever it took. I couldn't wait to get the book and contact the pastor Alex mentioned.