My Soul Cries Out (26 page)

W
hen I stepped onto the bus behind Kevin, I heard my name being echoed all the way to the back.

“Oh my God, look at her . . . That ain't Monica . . . She looks great . . . Is that really her? . . . Is she going with us? . . . She lives in Atlanta now?”

I received a million hugs as I made my way down the aisle. I didn't know what Kevin told everybody when I left, but they seemed glad to see me. Except Janine. She scowled and gave me a fake hug and an air kiss. Skank ho was probably glad when I left and was probably planning her name change to Janine Day.

“Hey, Janine. It's good to see you.” I gave her a big smile.

She pursed her lips. “Good to see you, too, Monica. Glad you lost some of that weight. You look much better.” She scrunched up her face like she smelled something bad. I kept walking by.

“Monnie Monnie Monnie Monn-ie, Monnnieee.” The horn section sang my name to the tune of the O'Jays “For the Love of Money.”

“What's up, dawgs?” I hugged Tony, Eric, Raymond, and Jo Jo.

“Look at this foxy girl.” Aaron, the bass player, came up and kissed me on the cheek. “Kevin, man, you better keep your girl under lock and key. If you wasn't standing right here, I might have tried to step to her.”

“Aaron, you better step off, man.” Kevin laughed.

We took our seats and the bus pulled off. Kevin squeezed my hand. “I'm glad you're here.”

I smiled and squeezed his hand back. “Me too, Kevin.” He kissed me on the cheek and laid his head on my shoulder. It wasn't two minutes before he was sleep.

When we pulled up at the Civic Center, I shook Kevin to try to wake him up. Ricky came over and stood him up. “Come on, dog. Show time.”

“I'm straight, man. I'm straight.” Kevin wiped his mouth. He gave me a sheepish smile. “Hey.”

“Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah. I'm straight.”

We followed everybody off the bus. I went in through the back entrance with them and then told Kevin, “I'm going to my seat. I'll see you afterward.”

“Wait. Stay and have prayer with us.”

Every time I tried to leave, Kevin kept telling me to wait—right up until it was time for them to go onstage. When I got to my seat, Alaysia, Khalil, David, and his fiancée, Nakia, were already there. I figured Alaysia and Khalil had probably clued David and Nakia in on the fact that Kevin was my estranged husband because they all looked at me like they were trying to see if I was okay. I plopped in my seat beside Alaysia, but only for a second. When the band filed out onto the stage and started the music, it was on. I stayed on my feet for the rest of the evening.

I would never have guessed it was the same Kevin who couldn't sit still without falling asleep. He was on fire. He led the whole arena into such a place of praise, I thought it was going to explode. Kevin sang, played the guitar, played the keyboards—he was all over the place. When he got it to a certain peak, he switched gears and moved into worship. The whole auditorium was filled with the thick, tangible presence of the Lord. People were weeping with their hands raised, clapping and expressing their worship in all different ways. After two straight hours of singing with only a couple of breaks for water, Kevin signaled the band to start up his signature song. I hoped this was the last one. Kevin had to be tired.

When they finished the last song, Kevin waved and jetted off the stage. The audience kept clapping and started yelling “Encore.” I wanted to scream and tell them to shut up. Kevin was too tired and didn't need to come back. They kept yelling, and Kevin came back, carrying his acoustic guitar. He sat on a stool and strummed his guitar, playing the chords to my love song. My heart jumped.

Kevin pulled the microphone closer to him. “This is my favorite song on the album. I'm gonna do something special for you, Atlanta. This is a song I wrote for the love of my life.” He strummed his guitar. “This is the first time I'm performing this anywhere but in the studio. This is for Monica.” He started singing, and I felt like I was the only person in the whole auditorium.

Alaysia passed me some tissue to wipe the tears coursing down my face. Kevin winked and blew me a kiss before he left the stage.

I was no more good.

W
e went out to IHOP afterward. The choir packed into booths, and Kevin and I, Alaysia and Khalil, and David and Nakia sat at a table in the back.

“Kevin Day. Man, it's good to meet you.” David's face had to be tired from smiling.

Kevin said, “Man, I hear you can put it down too. We gotta hang out when I come back to visit so I can hear some of your stuff. Monica tells me you're a serious worshipper.”

David looked at me then back at Kevin. “I'm just trying to please God, man. Just trying to please God.” They gave each other pounds.

“Alaysia, I'm glad I get a chance to thank you in person for what you've done for Monica. I still can't believe it's her,” Kevin said.

“She did all the work. You should see her at the gym. She's relentless,” Alaysia said.

Kevin leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I can't wait to come back and see that.”

Alaysia watched Kevin's every move, breaking her stare only to watch me. I smiled and winked to let her know I was okay. She smiled back, but I could tell she wanted to know what was going on.

Kevin turned to Khalil. “Yo, man, Monica tells me you're quite the Bible scholar. I gotta hear some of the stuff you've been teaching her. Sounds like a whole different Bible from the one I've been reading.”

“I hope that's a good thing.” Khalil frowned.

“It is a good thing,” Kevin said. “She's all excited about the Word. More than I've ever seen.”

The waitress came and took our order.

I said, “Nakia, it's good to finally meet you. Are you back in town for good?”

“I wish. I live and work in Charlotte, so I can only come visit on weekends. I'm believing God for a good job here in Atlanta, so I can be with my sweetie.” Nakia kissed David's cheek. She was cute. One of those petite girls with the fly short haircuts, perfect skin and sassy smile that I used to hate so much in the throes of my fat girl syndrome.

“How did you guys meet?” I was glad to be delivered from my skinny girl hateration. Nakia seemed nice, and I looked forward to getting to know her. She was one of those people you felt like you were close friends with within five minutes of meeting them.

“David and I met almost four years ago at church. I fell in love with him the first time I heard him lead praise and worship, but I was trying to be a virtuous woman and let my husband find me instead of me going after him. Everybody was loving praise and worship, but it was painful for me 'cause I was lovin' me some David Harper and he was playing the “just friends” game. I ain't one of those musician groupies. Something about seeing a man functioning under the anointing does something to me, especially a worshipper with a heart after God. It was too much for Nakia.” Nakia fanned herself and leaned toward me. “Girl, I know you know what I'm talking about if nobody else does.”

I smiled and glanced at Kevin. “I feel you, girl.”

Nakia continued, “When I found out my job was transferring me, I figured David wasn't God's choice for me, so I decided that moving to Charlotte was the best way to get him out of my system. After my going away party by the singles' ministry, two days before I was leaving, brotha decides to profess his undying love for me. Says he was shy, but God spoke to him when we first met and said I was supposed to be his wife. He was waiting for the right moment and figured since I was leaving, he better make his move. We didn't start our relationship until I was living three hours away.”

Everybody laughed.

“Better late than never.” David squeezed Nakia's hand. “I'm telling you, babe, God knew what He was doing. My moms named me right. Yeah, I'm David the worshipper, but I also have some of my namesake's other characteristics. God wanted to honor your desire to be a virtuous woman, so He knew I needed to court you from a different city.”

“Court? David, you so old.” Nakia laughed.

I really liked them together and said a silent prayer for God to open up an opportunity for Nakia in Atlanta soon.

“Kevin, how long have you had your Triton?” David asked.

“Monnie bought it for my birthday a couple of years ago. Best keyboard I ever played. I love it. You got a Triton?”

“Man, I wish. I'm trying to be like you when I grow up. I have a Trinity. Maybe Nakia will get me one for our wedding gift.”

“I ain't buying you no wedding gift.” Nakia held her arms out and winked. “I
am
your wedding gift, baby.”

“See, that right there is what I'm talking 'bout,” David said. “You don't need to live in Atlanta until the wedding day. Just drive from Charlotte in time to say I do.”

Everybody laughed. We talked over pancakes and omelets for about an hour, then Kevin started nodding off.

Ricky came over to our table. “A'ight chief. Time to get you back to the hotel. We gotta do this all over again tomorrow night.”

Kevin said his goodbyes to everyone and exchanged numbers with David. “Yo, man, maybe you can come up to D.C. some time soon and hang out with me in the studio.”

David's smile looked like it was going to crack his face. “That sounds great, man. Just let me know when.”

Kevin grabbed my hand. “Ready?”

I nodded. Alaysia gave me a questioning look. “My car 's back at the hotel. I'll be home in a little bit.”

The bus trip back to the hotel was quiet. Kevin fell asleep before we even got comfortable in our seats. As we pulled up to the parking lot, I searched for my keys.

Kevin woke up. “Would it be too much to ask for you to stay with me tonight? I'm not ready to let you go yet.”

“Kevin, I don't—”

“Please, Monnie. Like I said before. It doesn't have to mean anything. I just need a good night's sleep. I slept so good this afternoon.” He smiled his crooked, little-boy grin. “If I get some good rest tonight, I think I can finish out this tour.”

“You ain't slick, Kevin. Don't be trying to make me feel bad.”

“Did it work?”

I laughed.

“Come on. Don't be skeered. I won't do nothing.”

I shook my head. “You're trying to make this difficult, aren't you?”

“I promise I'm not. I don't know when I'll get to see you again.”

I traveled with a stocked gym bag in my trunk, so I decided I could stay. When I got up to the room, I changed into a T-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Kevin wore his usual silk pajamas.

I climbed under the covers and Kevin got in bed soon after. Being close to him, smelling his cologne, and being in bed together made the emotions well up. This was a bad idea.

Kevin's soft lips grazed my neck. My heart beat faster.
God, did I make a big mistake? What am I doing in bed with Kevin?
His lips moved up to my cheek. He snuggled closer and I felt him sigh. What if he didn't keep his promise? What if he tried something? Should I get up and leave?

Next thing I knew, he was snoring. I relaxed. I fingered his comb twists and thought about Dana Ford. Could I really do this?

Whoever made up the wedding vow “For better or for worse” must have gone through something. Was I willing to love Kevin through his broken state and walk with him through the healing process? That's what love would do. That's what God had done with me and every other person who accepted Christ as their Savior. Complete forgiveness and unconditional love—no matter what.

Could I really love like that?

T
he next day, after helping Kevin get packed and loaded onto the bus and after a difficult goodbye, I came home and crashed in my bed. The night was exhilarating and confusing, and I was worn out.

I woke up feeling much more rested, but anxious about the night before. Kevin said it didn't have to mean anything, but it meant everything. It meant he still wanted to get back together and I wanted to get back together, and somehow we had to make things work. He said after the tour was over, he'd be willing to look at the book and talk to the pastors to see how exactly one could get delivered from homosexuality.

Then, there was the whole logistical issue. He lived in D.C. I lived in Atlanta. I wasn't trying to go back to D.C. I liked my new life here and had just started a business. On the other hand, I knew it would take an act of God for Kevin to leave Love and Faith and Bishop Walker. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself. I decided not to try to figure out everything and just let God do whatever He planned to do.

I heard the front door close and a few minutes later, there was a light tap on my door.

“Come on in, Alaysia.” She must have just finished her Saturday Yogaerobics class. After an in-depth discussion with Khalil about the spiritual ramifications of practicing a Hindu tradition, Alaysia decided to keep the yoga positions, but to forgo the chakras and other spiritual babble. I prepared myself for the interrogation.

She popped her head in. “Just wanted to make sure you were alive. Last time I saw you, you were on your way to pick up your car and you'd be home in a few minutes.” She glanced down at her watch. “Those were some long minutes.”

“I'm fine, Alaysia. Nice to know you care.”

She came in and plopped down at the foot of my bed, kicking her shoes off onto the floor. “Soooooooo . . .”

I shook my head and laughed. “It's killing you, isn't it? You have to know what's going on.”

“You have to admit your recent behavior has been a bit curious. You and Kevin hugged up at the table at IHOP and then you don't come home. I mean, technically you two are still married, so it wasn't like you were off committing some rampant acts of sin. I'm surprised, that's all. Not that I'm not happy for you. I think. If you want me to be happy for you then I am. If you're happy, that is. You certainly look happy, but then again—”

“Alaysia.” I held up my hand to stop her rambling. “First of all, it wasn't like that. I didn't . . . you know, do anything. We just snuggled and fell asleep.”

“I wasn't asking. It's not like it's any of my business. You don't have to tell me anything.”

“Okay.” I turned over and pulled the covers up around my shoulders. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five—

“Okay, Monnie. Stop playing. What's going on?”

I laughed and sat up in bed. “That's what I thought.” I told her about my conversation with Alex and about the book. I told her about the pastor's past lifestyle and about his deliverance and happy marriage. I couldn't tell if she was nodding to be polite, or if she believed what I was saying.

“So?” As much as I didn't want it to matter, her opinion counted.

“So what?”

“So, what do you think, Alaysia? Am I totally crazy? Do you think God can make Kevin straight?”

“Monnie, I can't tell you if you're crazy or not. This is a decision you're going to have to make and live with, and my opinion is not gonna be enough to get you through it.”

Alaysia shook her head. “That being said, this is another one of those things I don't understand about you Christians. You always talk about how great God is and how He can do anything and how with God, nothing's impossible. But when it comes right down to it—when it's time to put your heart where your mouth is, you guys flake out. You talk about having faith, but when it's time to have faith, you get fearful. Either God is God and you believe Him, or He's not and you don't. Which is it?”

“Dang, Alaysia.”

“I don't mean to make you feel bad, but there's so many inconsistencies. There's the God of the Bible, and then there's the God of the present day Christian. If God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, why are you guys so different from the people in the Bible? I mean, I sit around listening to Khalil and David and I feel like I could walk on water. Like I could become a Christian and we could take over the world and dominate for Christ. But then I look at the Christians I know, and it seems like all there is to Christianity is going to church on Sunday, Bible study on Wednesday night and then talking about how awesome God is, but living mediocre lives. Makes it seem like it's all words and no real power.”

Alaysia pulled her knees into her chest and stared out the window. “But then I see how God brought me and you back together and brought me and Khalil back together, and how He miraculously gave us the club and how nothing bad has happened to anyone I love and I think maybe there is something to this God stuff. All I wanted was good friends and a man I could love and marry and have beautiful babies with, and to be able to help other people and make a difference in the world, and He's given me that and more. I guess I babbled all that to say God is God, Monnie. If He can create the whole world as we know it just by speaking a word, don't you think delivering Kevin and restoring your marriage is an easy thing?”

I couldn't even answer. I threw the covers off and reached over to hug Alaysia.

“What?”

“Nothing, Laysia. You're right. God is God and He definitely answers prayer.”