My Soul Cries Out (25 page)

F
irst thing I did when I got home was pick up the phone. I dialed my old number, but there was no answer. Kevin was probably out of town, touring somewhere.

I hung up and dialed his cell phone number. No answer. I left a quick message.

I sat on the bed. Maybe Kevin didn't want to see me now. Maybe he decided to go on with his life. Maybe he got tired of waiting for me and found somebody else. I'm sure plenty of women in the choir were glad to see me go, and were waiting to try to snatch Kevin up for themselves. Isn't that what I wanted?

Until I read the book.

I realized no matter how hard I'd tried, I hadn't been able to kill the hope inside of me. Was I too late? He hadn't called me since I called to congratulate him on the album. I tried to call him to tell him about the opening of the gym, but couldn't reach him then either.

The tears started falling. At that moment, I realized how much I missed Kevin.

The phone rang. I jumped to answer it. “Hello?”

“Monica, it's Kevin. I'm glad you called. I lost my cell phone with your number in it in L.A., and we've been on the road, and I lost my address book, and I tried directory assistance, but you guys are unlisted, and you haven't returned any of my emails, and we're gonna be in Atlanta next weekend, and I was afraid I wasn't going to see you, and—”

I laughed as I wiped my tears. I sat down on the bed. “Kevin, slow down. I haven't checked my email lately 'cause I've been so busy. My friend, David, told me about the concert at brunch today.”

“Who's David?”

“He's the praise and worship leader at Alaysia's church. He really wants to meet you. He asked if I could get backstage passes. I told everybody I could. I hope it's okay.”

“This David . . . is he a friend or is he a—”

“He's a friend. His fiancée will be at the concert, too.”

“Oh.” I heard him let out a deep breath. “Okay. So you're coming then.”

“Of course I'm coming. When do you get to town? How long are you staying?”

“We're in Colombia, South Carolina on Thursday night then Atlanta on Friday night, then I have to do Nashville on Saturday night.”

“Gosh, Kevin, don't you get tired?”

“Tired is not the word, Monnie. I'm living purely off the anointing. Feels like all I do is sleep, eat, and perform.”

“When's the tour over?”

“We have a few more stops after Nashville, but we were thinking about adding some cities. It's going better than I thought.”

“Just don't overdo it, Kevin. When do you get to stop and get some rest?”

“Rest. What's that? We have a few days after Nashville when I'll probably sleep.”

“I guess I won't get to spend any time with you then.”

“You want to?”

“Yeah . . . I mean, I haven't seen you in forever, and I thought you said you'd be here a few days. I know you have the tour and all, so maybe I can catch up with you when you finish.”

“Ummm, okay.”

“What?”

“I'm surprised. You've treated me like I have the plague for the last sixteen months, and now you want to see me and spend time with me? I don't want to be excited about seeing you and then you push me away again. My heart can't take it. So when you say you want to see me, is it a ‘Oh, it would be nice to see Kevin' or is it a ‘I really want to see Kevin'?”

I held my breath. I walked over to my dresser and picked up Kevin's CD. I stared at the picture. Stared at his eyes.

“Monica?”

“It's a ‘I really want to see Kevin'.”

Silence.

“Is it a ‘I really want to see Kevin because we have some good memories together and it'd be good to see him for old time's sake,' or is it a ‘I really want to see Kevin because I really want to see Kevin'?”

“Kevin, I—”

“I need to know, Monnie. I don't want to be hoping and wishing and then getting a knife through my heart. I finally got my feelings about you where I can deal with them. I don't need to open up my heart to get crushed again. This tour is taking all the energy I got. I can't be—”

“Kevin, I . . . I want to see you because I really want to see you.”

Silence.

“Kevin?”

“Don't say that if you don't mean it. I can't—”

“I mean it.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Does this mean—”

“I don't know what it means yet. Can't it just mean I want to see you?”

“Yeah. I guess we can take it from there.”

I took a deep breath. “A friend of mine was telling me about this ministry here. It's run by a pastor and his wife. They have a ministry for people dealing with sexual identity issues. A lot of people have been delivered from homosexuality through their ministry. I was thinking—”

“I can't talk about that right now, Monica. Can't it be okay for me just to see you and us enjoy some time together?”

“Okay, Kevin. We don't have to talk about it.”

“You didn't talk to these people about me, did you? Last thing I need right now is to have my face on some tabloid. I can just see it, ‘Gay Gospel Artist?' That would ruin everything I've worked so hard for. Please—I don't want you talking to anyone about me. Let me deal with this in my own time.”

“I haven't talked to them. You know I would never do anything to affect your career. I just think you need to deal with it, and I think they could help.”

“Monica, please. Can we talk about it after the tour?”

“Of course.” I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

“You still want to see me?” He sounded like a scared little boy.

“Of course.”

Did I? I was feeling that sad Kevin feeling again. I put a smile into my voice. “When do you get into town and where should we meet?”

I
couldn't believe I was in an elevator going up to Kevin's hotel room. I wiped my palms on my jeans and put my hand on my stomach as if touching it could ease the waves of anxiety rippling through my colon. I found my way to room 1107 and knocked on the door.

“Just a second.”

Oh my God, I was about to see Kevin.

He swung open the door. He stared at me for a second and then his mouth dropped. “Monica? You look like a totally different person. You . . . you look . . . great.”

Kevin stared at my body, then stared at my face, then back at my body again like he couldn't believe it was me. He pulled me close to him.

I inhaled his scent, his touch, his aura, his love and was completely overwhelmed. The tears started falling. He stepped back into the room and closed the door, still holding on to me.

We stood holding each other for what seemed like forever, as if we could make up for the whole sixteen months we'd been separated with one hug. When we finally pulled apart, Kevin's T-shirt was wet from my tears.

“Oh, sorry.” I wiped his shirt.

He took my hand and kissed my fingers. “It's okay. I can change.” He stepped back to look at me. “I can't believe how great you look. It's like you're a whole different person.”

“I am, Kevin. I really am.”

“My goodness, how much weight have you lost?”

“I should be asking you the same thing. What happened to you? You're skin and bones.”

He glanced down at his body as if he didn't know how he looked, and shrugged. “Working too hard, I guess.” He shook his head and smiled. “Monnie, you look great.”

“I wish I could say the same for you.” I smoothed a hand across his cheek. “Look at the bags under your eyes. Look how thin you are.” My heart pounded in my chest as I considered the unthinkable. “Are . . . are you sick?”

He laughed. “I don't have the dreaded disease if that's what you're asking. I told you about my tour schedule. It's been real tiring these last few months. And if I have to choose between getting some food or getting some sleep, I'd rather sleep. Stop fussing, Monnie. I'm fine.”

He pulled me close and kissed my cheek. “It's good to see you.”

I pulled back. “I wish I could say the same for you. This isn't good for you, Kevin. You can't keep this up. You're wasting away. How much longer is the tour? Can't you cancel any of the concerts? You need some rest and some food. Why can't you take a few days off? Could you—”

He pulled me into his chest again, I guess to shut my mouth. “Monnie, please—you're making me tired. I can't cancel. We're already sold out in the next few cities. I'm fine. I promise. Stop fussing and let me enjoy the little bit of time I have with you.”

He motioned for me to take a seat on the couch. The suite had a king-sized bed, couch, and a small table with two chairs. The décor was fancier than the average hotel.

“Nice room.”

“Yeah, they've been treating me pretty well on the tour.”

“Where have you been so far?”

“All over the place—Houston, Dallas, Los Angeles, Detroit, New York, Philly, D.C., of course, Miami. You know, the usual spots.”

“What's it like being on the road and doing the concerts?”

“I don't want to talk about me. I want to hear about you and your business and this dramatic change. How's your health? Is the diabetes gone?”

I smiled. “Yep. At least it's diet-controlled. I came off the meds not too long after I got here. My blood pressure is normal too.”

“I'm glad to hear that. I was afraid you were going to end up like your mother and aunts and grandmother.”

“Yeah. Me, too.”

“Tell me about this business. Did you guys open your gym?”

“I can't believe I haven't talked to you.” I told Kevin about our “hostile takeover” of Jim's Gym. “I wish you had time to come see it.”

“I can come back.”

“Yeah. That would be good.”

I told him about Alaysia's church, Bible study with Khalil, my Full-Figured Fitness Program, all the restaurants I had tried, all my new friends, and everything that had been going on for the nine months I had been in Atlanta. He listened, hanging on to every word until his eyelids got heavy.

“You must be exhausted, Kevin.” I looked at my watch. “I should let you get some sleep before the concert.” I stood up to leave.

“Wait. Please, don't leave. We haven't spent this much time together actually talking to each other in forever. I don't want you to go.”

“Yeah, but you need a nap before the concert. I hate seeing you this tired. Why don't you lie down?”

He reached for my hand. “Will you lie down with me? Just for a nap. I just want to hold you.”

“Kevin—”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed my cheek. “Come on, Monnie. It doesn't have to mean anything. You can walk out of here and never want to see me again. Just let me hold you right now. Let me fall asleep and be able to feel your breathing against my chest. Let me have that. Okay?”

“I guess I could use a few snuggles.”

He smiled. We lay down on the bed, fully clothed. Kevin laid his head on my chest and put his arms around me. I rubbed his back.

“I miss you so much. I love you, Monica. God knows I do.”

“I love you too, Kevin. Please get some rest, okay?”

He nodded. In a few seconds, his breathing was heavy. I knew he was tired because it usually took him a few tosses and turns to fall asleep. I drifted off myself after a while.

I awoke to the sound of the door opening. Someone flipped on the lights and said, “Come on, Kevin, man. It's almost show time. Get up.”

I squinted at the bald-headed, brown man that had used a key card to get into Kevin's room.

“Oops, my bad. Sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to disturb you.” He backed toward the door.

“Ricky?” It was the drummer for Kevin's band.

He stopped. “Do I know you?”

I lifted Kevin's head off me and got up, smoothing out my shirt. “Ricky, it's Monica.”

“Monica? Your voice sounds like you, but you don't look like you. ”

He hugged me. “Girl, look at you. It's so good to see you. And so good to see you with Kevin. Maybe he can get back to himself now. Please tell me you're coming back to D.C. I don't know how much longer he's gonna make it without you. I feel like we're losing him. The only time he's himself is when he's ministering.”

“What do you mean?”

“What's up, Ricky, man? Did I oversleep again?” Kevin sat up, wiping his mouth, reaching for the clock. “Where we at again?”

“Atlanta, man. You straight. We got about an hour before we need to go. We did the sound checks this afternoon without you.”

“Oh yeah, Atlanta.” Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. He looked at me and smiled. “Ricky, man, you see my beautiful wife?”

“Yeah, I didn't recognize her at first. I thought one of the hotel groupies finally wore you down.”

“Whatever, man. You know I ain't going out like that.”

“Monica, you think you can get him together and have him down in the lobby in about half an hour? He needs some strong black coffee and his vitamins. Should be in his toiletry case. His eye drops are in there, too. Make sure he ain't bloodshot when he comes down. His clothes should be ironed already. I sent them down to the hotel laundry people. You got him?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think I can handle it.” I looked at Ricky then looked at Kevin.

Ricky backed toward the door. “Good to see you, girl. I'll see you back stage after the concert?”

I nodded.

After he left, I looked at Kevin.

“I know what you're thinking. Ricky makes sure I keep it together, 'cause when I get tired, I forget things. He only has a key because when we were in Dallas, I overslept and they were banging on my door and calling my phone, but I didn't answer. They finally had to get a key from the hotel people to get in to wake me up. That's all. There's nothing going on—”

“I wasn't thinking that, Kevin. I was thinking if you're so run down he has to do all that . . . I'm not gonna fuss. I just don't like what this is doing to you.”

He smiled and kissed my cheek. “I'm fine. Now come on. Dress me.” He held out his arms and flashed a mischievous grin.

I smacked him on the butt. “Dress yourself. I'll start the coffee.”

He went into the bathroom and I started making coffee in the hotel coffee pot. I thought about what Ricky said about Kevin not being himself. I knew there was no way I could convince him to end the tour early, but maybe when he was finished I could convince him to come down for some rest. Give him the spa treatment and see if I could put some weight back on him. Was that a good idea, though?

He came out in some black slacks and an olive mock turtleneck with a black sports jacket. In spite of how much weight he had lost, he still looked good. Real good. I inhaled the familiar scent of his cologne. God, how I missed that smell.

He turned around. “How do I look?”

“You look good, Mr. Day. Very good. And you smell good, too. Did you take your vitamins?”

“Yes, ma'am.” He dabbed some dark foundation on the bags under his eyes and then looked up at me. “It's just to make my eyes look better. I don't put it on my whole face.”

“I didn't say anything and I wasn't thinking anything.”

“I don't want you to think I go around wearing makeup.”

“You're going on stage. People wear makeup on stage.”

“That's the only time I wear it.”

“Kevin, stop being paranoid. I'm not thinking anything bad about you.”

“I . . . I don't want you to feel like I . . .”

“Don't worry about that. Just worry about getting ready. And put those eye drops in. You look like an ol' alcoholic.”

He grinned. “A'ight.” He dashed back to the bathroom.

There was a knock at the door. When I opened it, I heard a bunch of shrieks. “Monnie! It's you. Ricky told us you were up here. Oh my God, look at you. You're gorgeous.”

I got a group hug from Shavon, Janae, Regina and Tracey. “Girl, it is so good to see you. Where you been? You live in Atlanta now? You coming back home?”

“Hey, you guys. It's good to see you, too.” I hugged each one of them. “Tracey, you chopped all your hair off. You look good, girl.”

“You the one. Look at you, Monnie. Look like you lost a hundred pounds.” Tracey grabbed me around the waist.

“What's the story, Monnie? You went ghost on us and up and moved to Atlanta and left Kevin all jacked up. I thought we were friends. What happened?” Regina asked.

“Girl, shut your big mouth. If she wanted us all up in her business, we'd be all up in her business.” Shavon put her hands on her hips.

Kevin came out of the bathroom. “Hey, y'all. Time to go?”

“Yeah, Kevin. Ricky sent us up to let you know twenty minutes. You ready?” Regina was studying Kevin's eyes. “You take your vitamins and your eye drops? He said he'd have coffee downstairs.”

“I made a pot of coffee,” I said.

“Girl, we gotta get on the bus,” Shavon said. “We can't be late to no more concerts. You're riding with us, right? Wait 'til everybody sees you.”

“I drove. I'll meet you guys there.”

“Come on, Monnie. We haven't seen you in forever. Hang out with us,” Tracey said.

Kevin came up behind me and put an arm around my waist. “Yeah. You can ride with us. We'll bring you back to your car.”

“But I have my friends' tickets. They won't be able to get in.”

Kevin said, “I have five comp tickets for the front row. Their names are on the list.”

I looked down at my jeans and T-shirt. “I can't wear this.”

Tracey looked me up and down. “I got something you can wear.”

I nodded. “Okay. I guess so.”

“I'll be right back with the outfit.” Tracey darted toward the elevator.

Kevin smiled. “Cool. We'll see you guys downstairs in a minute. I promise I won't be late. Monica's keeping me in line.”

Regina raised her eyebrows. “I bet she is. Go 'head, girl. Keep your man in line then.”

“There goes your mouth again. Come on here, girl.” Shavon grabbed Regina's arm. “We'll see you guys downstairs in a minute.”