My Soul Cries Out (31 page)

K
evin clasped my hand in his as we sat in Dr. Farley's waiting room. His leg was bouncing and his eyes were blinking.

The door opened and a tall, olive-toned man with a comforting smile gestured for us to come in. “Kevin.” They shook hands. “And you must be Monica. You're right, Kevin, she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.”

I elbowed Kevin in the side. “You been talking about me?”

We followed Dr. Farley into his tastefully decorated office and sank into the plush armchairs facing his silver-framed glass desk.

“Monica, I'm glad you agreed to join us today. Let me start out by saying Kevin has made a considerable amount of progress over the past two months. If all my patients were as committed to the healing process as he is, my job would be much easier.”

I smiled and nodded at Kevin.

Dr. Farley continued, “There are two issues Kevin is still dealing with, and I thought he needed you here to be able to work through them.” He nodded at Kevin.

Kevin said, “Ever since that day in the hospital, I've been thinking about what you said. About all the little boys at Love and Faith in D.C. and Alexandria. How they're still in danger. How I have a responsibility to make sure the men who molested me don't have a chance to molest them.”

I nodded.

“I've decided since Bishop Walker isn't going to address it, I need to go to his superiors. I've written letters to the Bishops' council governing Love and Faith.”

I squeezed his hand. “That's great. I'm proud of you.”

“One thing, though. I don't know what Bishop Walker is capable of and whether he'll do what he threatened to do. If he does, things could get ugly for me and our names and our marriage. Our whole life may be exposed. I need to know you're willing to risk that.”

“I'll be right by your side, Kevin. I'm behind you one hundred percent.”
God, please, don't let that happen. Haven't we been through enough?

He smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Monnie. I feel like it's something I gotta do, no matter what the outcome. If I can prevent one little boy from having to live through what I've lived through, it'll be worth it.”

Dr. Farley said, “Kevin and I drafted the letters last week, but he wanted to talk to you before he sent them out.” Dr. Farley looked at Kevin. “The second issue is a bit more difficult.”

Kevin grabbed my hand. His hand almost slid off mine, it was so sweaty. “I . . . I wanted us to talk about . . . I . . .” He looked at Dr. Farley. Kevin took a deep breath. “Monnie, I'm afraid I don't please you sexually.”

I looked at Kevin, then looked at Dr. Farley, then looked at Kevin again. My silence said everything. I tried to fix it. “I wouldn't say that. I mean, it's not like I'm some big expert or anything. You're the only person I've been with, so I don't have anything to compare it to.”

“Yeah, but you know whether you enjoy it or not. Come on, Monnie. In this room, we're honest about everything. That's the only way for things to get better.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, sometimes it seems like you're afraid or nervous or you don't want to do it. You're affectionate until it's time to make love, then you're an ice cube.”

Dr. Farley leaned forward. “Monica, it's important for you to understand this is a very natural reaction for someone who's been molested. It's not so much the homosexual issue as it is that Kevin's first sexual experiences were traumatic, violating, and terrifying. Even worse, they were committed by supposedly spiritual men who Kevin should have been able to trust. Up until his relationship with you, all Kevin's sexual experiences were negative ones. Any pleasure he might have gotten from his relationship with Trey was overwhelmed by intense feelings of guilt, self-hatred, and fear of literally going to hell. Therefore, in Kevin's mind, sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is painful. Anytime he comes together with you, he brings all these thoughts with him. We've talked through the nightmares and have done some cognitive therapy to reshape his thoughts and attitudes about sex. Kevin still has some issues, and that's where you come in.” He nodded at Kevin again.

“I want to make love to you,” Kevin said. “But I'm afraid of what you think of me. I feel like you don't expect me to . . . perform well, and then I'm afraid you'll be thinking about whether I'm a real man or not.”

I rubbed his hand. “It's not that I think you won't perform well. There have been times you've performed
very
well. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. I felt like heaven and earth moved. Those were the times you were relaxed. Like when we went to Florida that time and had so much fun. And definitely when we went to Jamaica. But most of the time, you're so tense that it makes me tense, and I don't think either one of us gets anything out of it.”

Dr. Farley stepped in. “Kevin wanted you to understand all this so that the two of you could work on this issue. Half of the battle is knowing what's going on inside each other.”

I nodded.

Dr. Farley said, “Monica, is there anything you want to talk about?”

I shrugged. “Not really.” It felt weird talking to a strange white guy about our sex life. Kevin seemed comfortable with him, but that's because they had talked about all sorts of deep and personal stuff for the last few months.

“Are you sure, Monica? This would be a good time to get it out.” Dr. Farley's eyes probed into my heart.

“I guess my question is the obvious question. When we talked about what happened that day with Trey, Kevin just said it was a mistake. I still don't understand why. I've forgiven Kevin, but there's that question in the back of my mind. If I don't know why, how can I be sure it won't happen again? I thought we were happy. Why all of a sudden, out of nowhere, would he do that?”

“Ask him.”

I turned to Kevin. “Why all of a sudden, out of nowhere, would you do that?”

Kevin stared at his shoes. “I've asked myself that same question every day for the past nineteen months. All those days I was without you, alone in a cold bed. Then, since we've been back together, I realize how much I love you and how much you love me. I keep asking myself, what made me do that?” Kevin rubbed his chin. “I didn't understand 'til Dr. Farley and I talked about it. To me, it still isn't a good enough reason. I don't feel like I can offer you a reason to explain breaking your heart.”

“What did you come up with when you and Dr. Farley talked about it?”

Dr. Farley said, “I think it stemmed from the exact issue we were talking about. Kevin was very uncomfortable in his sex life with you. He needed to express himself sexually, and along comes the only person he ever had a somewhat positive sexual experience with. It was almost inevitable. People naturally have a need for sexual intimacy. To be in a close relationship and not be able to express that is quite difficult. I think it's amazing that people of the Christian faith are able to maintain celibacy in intimate relationships.”

I nodded, trying to process what he was saying. “So you're telling me Kevin needed to express himself sexually, but he wasn't comfortable with me, but he was comfortable with Trey. I guess I understand, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just brings us back to the same point. What needs to happen for Kevin to be comfortable with me sexually?”

Kevin took my hand. “I think a lot of the work I've done with Dr. Farley has helped. Everything in my life right now has helped. The Lifelines classes. Just being in God's presence and being able to deal with the stuff I've kept inside all these years. All I need now is to know you forgive me and believe in me as a man.”

“I've forgiven you the best I know how. This talk has helped. Seeing the new man you're becoming has helped a lot, too. I don't believe you're the same man you were when you cheated on me with Trey. I understand what your childhood did to you and everything you've been doing these past few months has brought healing. I just want you to be able to relax.”

“I will relax. Once I know you forgive me, and you love me, and you know I'm a man and believe I can . . . you know . . . please you.”

I nodded. “I do, but . . . now it's gonna be weird. The first time we try, I'm gonna be wondering if you're okay and you're gonna be wondering if I'm okay, and we'll both be nervous, and then if things don't work because we're nervous, the next time we try, we'll both remember the first time we tried and it didn't work that time, so we won't expect it to work the second time and then this vicious cycle. How do we keep that from happening?”

Kevin looked at Dr. Farley as if to second my question.

“Watching the two of you and your interactions, I can tell how much you love each other,” Dr. Farley said. “The pain in your eyes, Monica, when we talk about Kevin's past. The way you instinctively rub his arm when he discusses difficult issues, the way he looks at you when he talks about making love to you. That's all you need. The love you already have inside and an understanding of what's going on inside each other's minds. Kevin, you now understand Monica does enjoy you when you're relaxed—that you do please her. Monica, you now understand the torment that went on inside of Kevin every time he approached you for intimacy. That knowledge will help you work through these issues. And time. If things don't go perfect the first time, that doesn't mean the second time won't ‘shake heaven and earth'.”

I blushed at Dr. Farley's use of my description.

“Just commit to keep trying until you guys get it right.”

I took Kevin's hand and smiled. “I'm glad I understand now. It really wasn't my weight, huh?”

“No, it wasn't. And when it's time for us to come together again, I fully intend to show you how beautiful and sexy I think you are.”

I didn't want to ask the unspoken question. When
would
it be time for us to come together again?

A
laysia went through great pains planning her baptismal ceremony. While searching the Internet, she found what looked like a great beach house at Tybee Island. She made arrangements for Zanetta, Eric, and Talinda to teach our classes and clients at the gym for the weekend. She shopped for hours to find a beautiful, white, flowing linen dress.

“Why the dress?” I asked as she studied herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom.

“Promise you won't laugh?”

“Of course not.”

“I figure since the church is the bride of Christ, and I'm about to become a part of the church, it's sort of like marrying Jesus. I want to be a beautiful bride for him.”

“That's sweet, Alaysia. I wouldn't laugh at that.”

“I'm glad to be saved. When I think about all the things I've done in my life and the fact that He's willing to forgive me . . . it's hard to imagine. Just think—all my sins will be washed away in the ocean. The tide will carry them far away to the sea of forgetfulness, like I never did it.”

I smiled.

“What? Are you laughing at me?”

“No, I think it's beautiful that you have more of an appreciation for your salvation than some people who've been saved all their life.”

“I guess I'm like the woman with the alabaster box. I know I've been forgiven of many sins, so I appreciate Him saving me so much more.”

“You spend too much time with Khalil. You're becoming a walking Bible like him.”

“I found white bathing suits for you and Nakia with white bathing suit covers and sarongs. And the guys can wear white shirts and shorts.”

“Now all we need is the bridesmaid flowers,” I joked.

Alaysia's eye's brightened. “That's perfect. We should get some calla lilies for you guys to carry.”

I smiled.

“You promised you wouldn't laugh.”

“I'm not laughing. You a special person, you know that, Alaysia?”

The phone rang. Alaysia grabbed it. “Hello?” She smiled. “Hey, Kevin, how are you?” She paused. “I'm good. Here's Monica. Huh?” She frowned. “Oh, okay. What's up?” Her mouth flew open. “Oh, Kevin, that's a great idea. Of course.” She turned her back to me. “Of course, that would be wonderful. I wouldn't mind at all. Oooh, that's so special.” She did a little happy dance. “Huh? Okay, I won't tell her.” She listened. “Okay. Talk to you later.” She hung up the phone and started walking out of her bedroom.

“Uummmm, excuse me?” I said.

She turned around with her innocent face on. “Huh?”

“You won't tell me what?”

“So you heard me tell him I wouldn't tell you. Why you asking then?”

“Don't even try it. You know I hate secrets.”

“Are you asking me to betray the trust of a fellow Christian?”

“Stop playing, Laysia. What'd he say?” I put my hands together, pleading with her. “At least give me a little hint.”

“Okay, here's a hint. Kevin loves you very much.” She popped me on the arm and walked out of the room.

“No fair!” I decided to go to the source, and picked up her phone.

Kevin must have recognized my number on the caller ID. “Hello, Monnie. I know what you're calling for, and it's a surprise. You're gonna have to wait. Talk to you later. Bye.”
Click.

T
he six of us piled into Kevin's Excursion and headed for Tybee Island. We laughed and talked the whole ride down. Kevin drove and was quieter than usual.

I squeezed his knee. “You okay?”

He smiled and took a quick glance over at me. “I'm fine, just thinking.”

“About what?”

“About your surprise.”

“You mean I get it this weekend?”

“Yep.”

“When?”

“What y'all whispering about up there?” Alaysia poked her face in between our seats.

“My surprise that you know about that I don't know about.” I scowled at her.

“You'll get it soon enough. Be patient.” Khalil patted me on the shoulder.

“You know about it, too? Everybody knows about it but me?” I poked Kevin in the side.

“Hey, don't bother the driver,” Nakia called out from the back seat. She and David were hugged up back there like they hadn't seen each other in a week.

The beach house was great. There was a two-story great room furnished with a large, leather sectional couch, a big screen television, DVD, and full stereo. The kitchen was huge, with a breakfast table large enough for eight. There was a large master bedroom tucked away in a back corner on the first floor with a king-sized bed and sunken Jacuzzi tub. The upstairs had four bedrooms and two bathrooms. The sliding glass door in the great room opened out onto a deck with steps that led down onto the sand of the Atlantic Ocean. The deck had some comfortable beach chaises, a large umbrella, a table and chairs, and a large grill.

“My God, Alaysia, I hate to ask how much this place cost,” I said.

“I got a good price through this vacation travel thingee on the Internet. It wasn't bad at all. Plus, I'm getting baptized. That's a big deal.”

I think she was the only one who didn't notice Khalil shaking his head and muttering under his breath about the extravagance of the place.

Alaysia and I got dressed for a run on the beach. Nakia took one look at our running clothes, rolled her eyes and brushed the sand off a beach lounger on the deck. She pulled out a stack of books, fixed the beach umbrella and said, “If you need me, this is where I'll be. I gotta catch up on my reading.”

I looked at her books. One said,
Heart of Devotion
, another
Joy
, and
For Love and Grace
.

“What are these about?” I turned the books over to look at the back covers.

“Girl, Christian fiction. I had to give up my secular novels when I moved here. Can't be reading no sex scenes living this close to David. Might get something stirred up I can't control.”

I laughed at her. “Girl, you two just need to elope. I ain't seen nobody struggle this much with keeping it holy, and I been in church a long time.”

“That's 'cause they ain't struggling. They doin' they thing and lying about it,” Nakia said.

Alaysia put her hands on her hips. “That's not true. Me and Khalil are keeping it holy.”

Nakia sucked her teeth. “Yeah, but Khalil is Jesus' first cousin, so that don't count.”

We all laughed. I stretched my legs. “Come on, girl, let's do this thing before it gets too hot out here. Nakia, you going running?”

“Y'all go 'head. I don't believe it takes all that runnin' and carrying on.” Nakia dismissed us by opening a book.

Alaysia and I ran for about an hour, until we were drenched with sweat. Even though it was early September, it was still hot and humid outside. Occasional breezes off the water cooled things off only slightly.

When we got back, Nakia had fallen asleep on her lounger, and David was curled up asleep in a lounger next to her. We walked into the house to find our men. Kevin was stretched out on one part of the sectional with a Myles Munroe book,
Understanding The Power and Purpose of a Man
, on his chest. Khalil was stretched out on the other end with
Rich Dad, Poor Dad
on his chest.

“Ain't this a sorry sight. We drive all the way down to the beach so these folks can sleep the day away?” Alaysia shook her head.

I stopped Alaysia as she was about to shake Khalil. “Let 'im rest. You picked such a perfect house that everyone is relaxed.”

We both went to take a shower. Half an hour later, Alaysia was curled up on the ottoman beside Khalil, asleep. I grabbed one of Nakia's books,
Heart of Devotion
, and lay out on a beach lounger on the deck. It was relaxing sitting in the sunny, salty air with the wind whipping my cheeks. I was instantly engrossed in the book. It was contemporary, like a regular African American novel, but was based on Christian themes. I'd have to try this Christian fiction stuff. Nakia was right about not reading stuff that would keep me awake and smoldering all night.

Durned if them Negroes didn't stay 'sleep for almost three hours. I was almost halfway through the book by the time Nakia stirred.

“Well, good morning. Or afternoon, almost evening, I should say,” I said.

Nakia squinted and shielded her eyes from the sun. “Where is everybody?”

“'Sleep, just like you.” I closed the book and returned it to Nakia's stack.

Alaysia stumbled out onto the deck. “Why didn't you get me up?”

“For what? You were 'sleep,” I said.

“Oh my God, I'm starving.” Alaysia stretched her arms up in the air. Khalil came up behind her and grabbed her around the waist. She squealed.

He laughed. “Gotcha.” He turned her around and held her close, kissing her on the nose and forehead.

“What did I do to deserve that?” She smiled up at him.

“It would take me forever to tell you.”

She laid her head on his chest. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Whoever thought Miss Alaysia—connoisseur of wine, weed, and as many men as she could get—would be saved, about to get baptized, and waiting for the man of her dreams to propose? God was truly a miracle worker.

Kevin came up behind them. “I hate to break up this moment, but if I don't get something to eat soon, I might have to hurt somebody.”

Alaysia and Khalil said at the same time, “Me too.”

Nakia looked at Alaysia. “You're the master chef. What bird food will we be dining on this afternoon?”

Alaysia had packed groceries for gourmet vegetarian meals for the whole weekend.

Khalil elbowed Kevin. “We'll cook, ladies. You have a seat and relax.”

Alaysia said, “The veggie burgers are in the freezer. You don't have to thaw them before you put them on the grill.”

“Who said we were cooking rabbit food?” Khalil said.

“That's all I brought, so that's all you get.” Alaysia crossed her arms in front of her.

“We went to the market up the street while you were running.” Khalil looked at Kevin. “Ready to fire up the grill, bruh?”

“I got you, man. I'm on it.” Kevin lifted the bag next to the grill and poured some charcoal out. He drizzled some lighter fluid then looked around. “Anybody got some matches?”

Alaysia watched all this with her mouth wide open. “I can't believe you guys. What did you buy? Did you buy meat? You're actually gonna cook meat?”

“Y'all better be careful or lightning's gonna strike.” Nakia smirked and tickled David's toes. He must have been really tired because he didn't move.

“Khalil, you bought meat?” Alaysia was pouting now.

“Alaysia, just because you love fake meat doesn't mean everybody else does. We usually humor you and eat that stuff—and it
is
good—but you gotta be fair. Sometimes we wanna eat what we wanna eat.” He beat on his chest. “Me man. Me need meat.”

Alaysia pushed her lips out further.

He leaned over and kissed them. “Come on, Laysia. Let us enjoy our weekend. You don't expect me to eat vegetarian for the rest of my life, do you?”

“The rest of your life?”

“Yeah, the rest of my life. I know you brainwashed Monica, but I ain't convertin'.”

“Brainwashed? What's that supposed to mean?” I said.

“Means you've joined Alaysia's veggie cult. The rest of us will not be sucked in.” Kevin disappeared into the kitchen.

Alaysia's ire must have been defused by Khalil's “rest of my life” comment. “I guess a little meat wouldn't hurt.”

I stared at her. “You never said that to me. It was your way or no way.”

Alaysia batted her eyelashes. “I know, but you're not him.”

“Oh, it's like that, huh?”

“Yeah, girl. It's like that.” Alaysia laughed.

Kevin emerged with a large pan piled high with thick steaks at one end and salmon fillets at the other.

Alaysia made a face. “Yuck. I'm cooking me and Monnie's veggie burgers on the grill inside. I don't want any of your meat juice getting on our food.”

I gulped. “Salmon? That's my favorite.”

“Be strong, girl. Don't give in to the carnivorous cravings of the flesh.”

I bit my lip. “But it's salmon.”

“After a whole year, you're going to slip back into the ranks of the animal flesh-eating beasts?” Alaysia's eyes were wide.

“Is that what we are?” Nakia asked.

“I'm sorry, Laysia. I got to have a piece of that salmon. It's high in omega fatty acids, so it's good for me.” I licked my lips.

“Monnie! You traitor. Kevin, you did this on purpose. You knew that was her favorite.”

Kevin grinned. “I ain't trying to eat tofu for the rest of my life either.”

Alaysia shook her head. “First Eve and the serpent, now Kevin beguiles Monica. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”

We all laughed. David rolled over. “I'm trying to get some sleep here.” He looked at the pan piled high with meat. “I'm awake. I'm awake.”

Everybody laughed.

 

 

After we ate, we changed into our bathing suits. We splashed in the ocean, swam out to the buoys, and played beach volleyball until it was dusk. Then we showered and came back out to the deck. Alaysia lit a few citronella candles to keep the bugs away.

We laughed and talked and ate leftovers until Alaysia looked down at her watch. “We better turn in. We gotta get up early.”

“Why are we doing this at sunrise again?” Nakia wrinkled her nose.

“Because it's the dawning of a new day in my life. Because the Son is rising with healing in His wings to make my life whole. Because the Lord is rising as a Sun and Shield in my life. Because—”

“Okay, okay, we get it.” I rolled my eyes. “Man, you're worse than Khalil. What do you guys do? Have Bible study on all your dates?”

“Yep. Keeps us from doing other things God might not be as pleased with,” Khalil said.

Kevin stood up. “Yeah, we better go on to bed. Tomorrow is a big day.”

I stood up with him. “It is?”

“Yeah, and that's all the clue you get. Don't ask me no questions about no surprise 'cause I ain't telling.” Kevin kissed my cheek.

I looked around at my friends.

“Don't look at us. We ain't telling you, either.” Nakia waved a nanny-nanny-boo-boo finger in my face.

“Y'all make me sick.”

“We love you too, Monnie,” Alaysia said.