Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (25 page)

“Go ahead, Clarissa, explain it all.” I motioned for him to continue when it was clear he wasn’t going to.

“I want to move to Chicago for a bit.”

“Are we in a loop? I feel like we’ve had this conversation before but in reverse.” I laughed.

“Seriously, though, would you have a problem with me working from there?” It was interesting to see him look nervous since he so rarely was.

“Has hell frozen over? What’s that I see over there? Are those pigs flying?” I pointed out the window.

“Fuck you, McFadden,” he growled.

“Like you gave me any less shit when we had this conversation. Dude, I’m fine with it. We still have the office space leased for another year, so make use of it. You can be the Midwest division of the company. Go acquire us some corn or something.”

“They don’t grow corn in Chicago, you ass.” He shook his head.

“Where do they grow it then? Somewhere in the Midwest. right?” I sipped my too hot coffee carefully.

“Are we really talking about where they grow corn?” He looked at me incredulously.

“No, not really. I give you my official blessing, if that’s what you came here for.”

“I didn’t really come for that, I don’t think, or at least not intentionally. But it helps to have it all the same. Let me ask you a question.” He tapped his fingers against his knee. “Were you this terrified before you moved for her?”

“You don’t remember? I was a mess. Grace had walked out on me, and I thought I’d lost her forever.” That was not a time in my life I liked to revisit.

“I feel so out of my league with all of this. I don’t know how to be in a relationship, like it’s only a matter of time before I fuck things up.” He sighed.

“Does she make you feel like that?”

“No, that’s all me. She has way too much faith in me, no pun intended on that one. She trusts me so much, and I’m terrified that I’m not worth it.” In all the years I’d known him, I had only seen him like this once, and it wasn’t over a girl, or not entirely.

“Relationships are scary, Smith. You never know what’s going to happen, but sometimes you just have to jump in. You and Faith are good together; anyone with eyes can see that. Trust yourself a little, you’re not a saint but you’ve never been a monster either.” I eyed him over the rim of my mug. “Any other life-shattering things that we need to discuss or can I get to work? Grace and I have tickets to see
Wicked
tonight.”

“
Wicked
? Seriously?” He left laughing.

James came in a bit later and went over my schedule for the next couple of days before I could get started on my work.  I was up to my ears in paperwork and emails by lunchtime. I shot a quick text to Grace while I ate at my desk.

Me: What are you wearing?

Grace: Work clothes, I hope you can say the same ;)

Me: Yep, still fully clothed. Wish I wasn’t at work and we both were naked, though.

Grace: Only a few more hours and then we can go out tonight to see
Wicked
! Are you excited? It’s all I can think about.

Me: Yes, I’m excited. I notice you glossed over my naked comment. I have about eight good reasons you’d like to see me naked right now.

Grace: Okay, Horny McHornerson, get your butt back to work before you get us both into trouble.

Me: I can’t help it that I have a smoking hot wife and a good imagination when we’re apart. In fact, I’m thinking about you naked on our bed right now.

Grace: LOGAN!!!!

Me: Your shouty caps don’t scare me, Kitten. Imagine how good my lips would feel on your skin right now. And where you would like my hands to be.

Grace: LOGAN MCFADDEN! I’M SERIOUS, KNOCK IT OFF!! I’m in a meeting and my red cheeks are not conducive to talking about product growth. I’ll see you when I get home, and if you’re a good boy, I’ll flash you in the car on the way to the theater. XOXOXO

I laughed as I read her texts and gave myself a mental shakedown so I could concentrate on getting my own work done in time.

Grace met me in the lobby of my building after work, which was a surprise.

“How did you know I’d be down?” I kissed her quickly.

“James.” She grinned and tucked her arm in mine as we walked, with her head on my shoulder.

“How was your day?” I asked as we got into the car and pulled into traffic.

“Long. But better now that we’re together.” She sighed and leaned against me as we maneuvered through the cars.

“Did you like my texts earlier?” I smiled into her hair.

“It’s not that I didn’t like them. It’s more that it was the worst possible time to read them.” I could feel her laughter.

“Blame Smith.” I kissed her forehead.

“Blame Smith for what exactly?” She turned and gave me the old side eye.

“I walked in on him asking your sister that this morning.”

“Dear God, my poor ears.” She clapped a hand over her face.

“I think he was joking, but it still made me think about what you were wearing.” The car pulled up in front of our building, and we walked to the elevators quickly so we could change and get to dinner before the show.

Grace put on a slinky red dress that was entirely too sexy to be seen in public, but she looked so happy that I kept my mouth shut. I groaned as I buttoned up my shirt.

“What?” she asked as she slipped on a pair of sky high heels.

“Just trying to decide on how badly I really want to see
Wicked
.” I licked my lips imagining unwrapping her from that dress.

“Logan! There is no way we are staying in to have sex. You can do me after the show. Hell, we can do it in the car on the way back. But we are going.” She stomped her foot for emphasis.

“You win.” I kissed her cheek then we left the apartment.

When we got back into the limo, I gave her a serious look. “I believe there was some talk about flashing me in the car if I was extra good?”

“Oh, my God, you are the worst, Logan.” She laughed and playfully punched me in the arm. “You make it seem like you don’t get it on the regular or something.”

“Just because I get it on the regular doesn’t mean I don’t want it all the time.” I slid my hand up her thigh.

“One boob, that’s all you get.” She shifted her dress down, giving me an eyeful of her creamy skin.

We were still laughing as we got out of the car for dinner. So far, married life was the best. I couldn’t get enough of her; she was a drug I didn’t want to kick.

SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I COULD
feel it in my bones. We had been trying for five months and still hadn’t gotten pregnant. Each month was a letdown. Maybe it was time to talk to a specialist. I had spoken with my normal gyno and was told that sometimes it takes time and to come back in a year if we still hadn’t gotten pregnant. I didn’t want to waste any more time if I didn’t have to.

I picked up my phone and dialed Logan’s office. His new assistant, James, answered.

“Logan McFadden’s office.”

“James, it’s Grace. Is he free?”

His tone changed from all business to his normal warm baritone. “Hang on, Grace. Let me see if he’s done with his meeting.”

The familiar music flowed through the phone while I waited. Not for long, though, as Logan popped on a moment later.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of a mid-day phone call, Kitten?” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Um, I think that maybe I should see a specialist,” I said hesitantly. I don’t know why I was nervous to say it, but I was. Maybe it was too scary to admit that there could be a problem.

“What kind of specialist?” his tone was wary.

“A reproductive endocrinologist,” I blurted.

“Do you think there’s a problem that needs to be fixed?”

I wished I had gone to the office to talk to him, so I could see his face and gauge how he was feeling about this.

“I do. It’s been five months. And I haven’t really had a regular cycle in all that time since I got off the pills.

“And that makes you think there’s a problem?”

“It has me concerned. And I feel like we’re wasting time as it is.” I worried that he would think I was overreacting. I knew in my gut I wasn’t. There was something wrong.

“Okay.” He sighed.

“Okay?” I hoped he was taking me serious about this and not just giving in.

“Yeah, go see the specialist and see what they say.” He sounded resigned. I didn’t like that one bit. I wasn’t crazy; something was wrong with either me or him and we needed to sort it out if we ever wanted a baby of our own.

“Why do I feel like you’re upset about this?”

“I’m not. I just didn’t think we would have to do so much for a baby.”

“We haven’t done anything yet. But even if we do have to, I need to know that you want this as much as I do. I can’t get all the way into it and find out you do not want it.” My nerves were frayed. This wasn’t a conversation I ever thought we would have. I looked out the window at the cars making their way slowly down the crowded street.

“Kitten, I want this as much as you do. This phone conversation just took me by surprise. I hadn’t been thinking about there being a problem, but you obviously have been. So give me a second or two to wrap my head around the idea.”

To his credit, he didn’t sound annoyed or irritated.

“Okay. We can talk more about it when you get home tonight. I’m going to make an appointment for this week if we can get in. Will you be able to take some time off to go?” I hated to ask him to rearrange his schedule for me.

“Of course, I can. I’m wrapping up early today, so I’ll be home in a bit and we can talk more about all of it. I love you, and whatever happens, we’ll get through it.” His voice was like a hug, I felt it wrap around me. His love for me was absolute, I needed to trust in it and trust in us to see this through.

We said our good-byes, and I sat back in my chair. I called my normal gyno after that and asked for a consult with the specialist. After being told my insurance wouldn’t cover it since the doctor didn’t feel I needed to go, I hung up. I decided to do my own research and find the best doctor to help us.

An hour later, I had an appointment with the city’s best reproductive endocrinologist for the following day. There were some definite advantages to the McFadden name. Logan came home not long after.

He found me in front of my computer in my office.  “Hey.” He dropped a kiss on my head and sat on the big couch against the wall. I swiveled my chair around to look at him. God, he was hot. The heat hit me right in the stomach just seeing him sitting on my couch in his suit pants and black button-down shirt.

“Tell me more about our previous conversation. I couldn’t devote my whole attention to you before, but I can now.”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I just feel like something is the matter. It shouldn’t take so long to make a baby, should it? And with how my cycles have been, it’s hard to know when to even try.” I held up my hands in frustration.  I wanted to ask him how it was when Fiona got pregnant, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was obviously an accident, so it led me to believe the problem was me and not him.

“Come here.” He held his arms open. I got up and climbed onto his lap, letting him envelop me in his embrace. “We’re going to figure this all out. I promise you that we will.”

“I’m kind of afraid of the answers, though. What if they aren’t what we want to hear?”

“Stop scaring yourself before you know for sure there is something to be worried about.” He smoothed my hair with his fingers.

“Too late, I’m already terrified.” I buried my face into his chest.

“Look at me, Kitten.” He tipped my chin up. I didn’t want to look at him because if I did, I would shatter to pieces.

“Please. Look at me.” His voice was soft.

I reluctantly looked up and into his eyes.

“Do you trust that together we can get through anything?”

I nodded.

“Stop worrying so much right now. Let’s enjoy the practicing until we come to a point that there is something to worry about.”

“Okay.” I could feel the tears coming on.

“Trust in us, baby.” He kissed me softly.

“I do.” I knew we were solid. I was just so damn scared that we would never have a baby. I wanted to give him a child so badly.

“Let’s get some dinner and cuddle up in bed with a movie for the rest of the night.” He kissed my cheek and pulled me to my feet and toward the kitchen.

After a fitful night’s sleep, Logan and I were in the car on the way to the doctor’s office. If it weren’t for his hand holding me steady, I would be shaking like a leaf.

“I can feel how nervous you are.” He brought my hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to my knuckles.

“This is scary. I don’t want there to be anything wrong.” My voice shook.

“I don’t, either,” he said softly.

The office was not far from our apartment. It only took about ten minutes to get there. The lobby had marble floors and counters, and expensive looking couches lined the walls.

“Can I help you?” the perky blonde behind the counter asked when we walked in.

“I’m Grace McFadden, here to see Dr. Welsh,” I said in a voice that was not my own.

“Have a seat and please fill out this form. The nurse will be out soon.” She smiled brightly.

I took the offered clipboard, and we retreated to the corner and sank down into the soft couch cushions.

The form asked tons of questions about my reproductive health. How many times did I have a missed period? Had I ever had an STD? Things like that. They wanted similar information about Logan’s sexual history as well. I winced as I handed him his portion to fill out.

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t meet his eyes. This was so embarrassing. I hated asking him to put his past out there for the doctor to see.

“Kitten, none of this is your fault. I’m not embarrassed about my past, and I don’t care what anyone sees.” He took the form and filled his portion out within a few minutes.

I bounced my legs nervously, waiting for the nurse to come out and call us.

“Grace?” The nurse poked her head out of a door on the far wall.

I smiled and we both stood up.

“Right through here, please.” She held the door open for us. “I’m Irene, Dr. Welsh’s nurse. I just need to get your weight first, and then a urine sample before we send you back to your room.” Her eyes were kind, and the knot in my stomach loosened a fraction.

I think every woman alive hated stepping on the scale. No matter how in shape you were, you cringed as the number popped up. I was no exception, five pounds heavier since I had last weighed myself.

Logan had gallantly looked away while I was on the scale. I kissed his cheek as I walked past to the bathroom.

“You’ll be in room four, and there are small sample cups in the bathroom for you. Just put it in the little cabinet on the wall and we’ll get it.”

After completing my task, we waited for Dr. Welsh to come in. It felt like an eternity, but in reality, it was only five minutes.

She strode into the room with purpose, tall with long red waves that fell around her shoulders and bright blue eyes. I liked her instantly; she was all business and that was what we needed.

“Grace, I’m Sheila Welsh, it’s nice to meet you. Tell me a little bit about why you’re here and what we can do to help you.” She sat on the rolling stool and pushed closer to the chairs we sat in.

“We’ve been trying to conceive for about five months with no luck. I know that in itself isn’t concerning, but I’ve never had normal cycles except when I was on birth control. I just wanted to be sure nothing was wrong.”

“Hmm.” She tapped her pen on the pad of paper in her lap. “How long have you been off birth control pills?”

“Six months now.”

“How many cycles have you had since then?”

“Just the one since then.”

“Okay. Now, before you were on the pills, you said you never had regular cycles? What do you consider regular?”

I squirmed a bit in my seat. “I think I would be lucky to have two a year.”

“What about weight issues and excess hair?” she fired off.

Oh God, this was not really the conversation I wanted to have with my new husband sitting next to me. “As a teenager, I struggled a lot with my weight. It was hard for me to lose once I gained. And yes, I do have the excess hair issue.” I did my best not to look at Logan.

“Okay. I think I can see what might be the problem based on what you’ve just said. Have you ever heard of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome?”

I shook my head.

“It’s where your ovaries produce cysts instead of eggs. So, you never really get a regular cycle.”

“Okay.” Inside, I wanted to die. This was exactly what I was afraid of. “So, what can we do about this?” I tried not to sound hysterical. Logan gripped my hand, trying to calm my nerves.

“We have a few options. There are some medications we can put you on that will force you to ovulate. But first I would like to run some tests to be sure both of your tubes are open. I’m going to prescribe something to get your period started and then I want you to call and schedule an HSG, which is an x-ray where they shoot dye into your uterus and tubes to be sure they are open. Most women say it’s unpleasant, so I’ll prescribe something to relax you.” She flipped through her the papers in her lap. “As for you,” she addressed Logan, “I would like to get your sperm analyzed to be sure everything is good on that front. Irene will give you instructions on your way out. Once we have all the results back, we will make our plan.”

“Okay,” I said in a small voice. The floor was quickly being pulled out from under me.

“Try not to stress out too much for now. I know that’s easier said than done, but we have a lot of options.” She smiled and stood up.

Irene waited in the hall with a small plastic cup for Logan and a handful of instructions for me.

There it was, we were reproductively challenged. My heart sank to my feet.