Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (28 page)

“I’ll check with Faith, but I’m almost positive she’ll say yes. Let me know what Grace says after you talk to her.” He sounded upbeat for the first time in the conversation.

Grace came out of the bedroom a moment later ready to go to our appointment.

“Okay, I have to run. I’ll call tonight and let you know for sure.” I hung up and went to join her in the hall. “Ready to go?”

“Smith?” she asked.

“Yeah, we needed to talk after what happened when he was here last,” I said carefully.

“I don’t see him as the enemy, Logan. You know that, right?” She put a hand in my arm.

“I do.” I kissed her cheek. “Come on, let’s get going, we don’t want to be late.”

Grace sat silently next to me. As hard as I tried, she had closed herself off to me. The only good thing was that she was finally speaking to Faith on a regular basis. The rule was that neither of them would talk about what they really wanted to.

Irene was waiting for us right at check-in. She smiled and patted Grace on the arm. “Don’t give up yet, honey.”

Grace nodded, and we followed her back to the room.

“The doctor will be with you in a moment.” She waved and we were left alone in the small room.

“How are you doing?” I squeezed her hand.

“Okay for now. Trying not to stress out too much. You?” She looked at me and really saw me for the first time in a month. She could see the worry, and the pain that always lurked just below the surface.

“I’m worried. I’m not going to lie, this is scary for me, too. It’s hard to stand by and watch you wither away inside.”

“I’m still here, Logan.” She touched my cheek.

“Are you?” I shot back.

The doctor came in before Grace could respond.

“Okay, so how are we?” She sat on the little rolling chair and slid toward us.

“Could be better.” Grace shrugged.

“I wish we’d had success with the Clomid, too, but we have more options to try. So, don’t give up on me.”

We both nodded.

“Our next step is injectables. Daily shots in your stomach. Is that something you would be willing to do?”

“What would that all entail?” Grace asked.

“Well, like I said, it would be daily shots in your stomach. And also a lot more appointments and blood
work than with the Clomid. We would need to see you every other day to monitor your progress. This is a lot, so think it over. There are a lot more side effects, as well. You have a greater risk of multiples, a one in ten chance of twins. Plus, there is a risk of something called ovarian torsion, which is when the ovary becomes so heavy and full that it falls over and twists up in the fallopian tube. But that is a very rare side effect, and one of the reasons you will be monitored.”

“When would we start?” I asked.

“Most likely in three weeks. We would like Grace to start birth control pills today so everything will grow at the same rate once we start the injections. If you are on board with this, you will pick up everything you need from the pharmacy and make an appointment to come in and see Irene before you are due to start the injections so she can show you how to mix the medicine and the best way to do the injections. I’ll step out and give you a moment to discuss this.” She smiled and left us alone.

“What do you think?” I asked Grace. It sounded really intense to me.

“I think we should do it,” she said slowly. “I know it sounds like a lot, but we have to try. I’m not ready to give up yet.”

“Okay then.” I would back her up on this if it was what she wanted.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’m with you one-hundred percent, baby. We’re a team. If this is what you want, we’ll do it. You just have to tell me when it gets to be too much.” I was terrified that she was going to kill herself with all the trying. I knew her well enough to know that she would keep it close to the vest, and I would have to pry it out of her.

“I will, I promise I will.” She breathed a sigh of relief.

Dr. Welsh came back in a few minutes later and gave us a bunch more instructions. We made the appointment to come in and see Irene next week.

After picking up her meds from the pharmacy, we went to lunch. I approached the subject I wanted to bring up with extreme caution.

“So..” I started.

“Yeah?” She looked up from her menu.

“I think we should invite Smith and Faith to come visit,” I said carefully. I didn’t want to fight about this, but it wasn’t good for her to continue this way.

“I don’t know.” She bit her lip.

“It’s been four months, Grace. I think you need to see her. It will never get easier if you keep putting it off.” There, I’d said it. Now maybe Smith would stop hounding me day and night. I knew it was the right thing, but I still hated doing something I knew would cause her pain.

“I know I’m being selfish by not seeing her.” She sighed and put her menu down. “When do you want to invite them?” The resigned look on her face was not exactly what I was hoping for, but I would take what I could get.

“How about this weekend?” I hoped she said yes because I had already told Smith to come.

“So soon?”

“It’s not soon, Grace, this has been a long time coming. Suck it up and say yes to this.” I gave her a stern look.

“Fine.” She looked away. I knew she was mad; she always looked away when she was mad.

“Don’t be mad at me for this. You know you’ll thank me in the long run.” I reached across for her hand, but she pulled it away.

“I know it will. But I still kind of hate you.” There was a hint of a smile on her lips.

“You know you don’t. You both need this. It’s not healthy for either of you to be apart this much.” I gave her a pointed look.

She looked away; I could see her emotions at war with each other. “I’m scared.”

“Of Faith?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how to be around her anymore. Over the phone
,
it’s easier because I don’t have to smile.”

I wondered if I had made the wrong choice. If inviting Smith and Faith here was going to make everything worse. “It will never get easier, Kitten. There’s going to be an actual baby in a few months, what kind of aunt will you be if you can’t even be around Faith when she’s pregnant?” That last bit was pushing it; I hoped she wasn’t going to be angry

“I know.” She sighed. “I want to be the same kind of aunt I am to Gray, but I’m scared out of my mind that I won’t be. This situation has changed me. Promise me you’ll hold my hand through it?”

“I’m always there to hold your hand, you know that. It’s part of the job description.” I reached across the table and took her hand in mine.

MY HEART FELT LIKE IT
would beat out of my chest as we waited for Smith and Faith to get to the restaurant. Logan had wanted them to come to the house, but I needed it to be in public for now. I didn’t know how I was going to react seeing her for the first time, and it felt easier doing it at a neutral place for some reason.

“You’ll be fine.” Logan squeezed my hand and reassured me for the fifth time in ten minutes.

Would I be fine? I honestly didn’t know if I would be or not.

I saw a limo pull up out front, and I held my breath as Smith emerged from one of the doors. He leaned down and held a hand out for my sister. There she was, gorgeous as ever, with a small rounded bump tucked under her sweater. My heart clenched.

“Still okay?” Logan whispered as they walked toward us.

I nodded, my tongue deciding to stop working. Damn nerves.

As they got closer, I saw the strain Faith was under. Dark circles colored her eyes and her lips were drawn in a tight line. I wondered how I looked through her eyes.

“Grace.” She started to hold a hand out for me and dropped it.

Tears choked me and I took a few steps forward. Why was this so damn hard? We had always had such an easy relationship, and now she felt like a stranger. I hated myself for what I had done to us.

“Don’t cry, Gracey.” She took me in her arms, and I felt her tears join my own on my cheek.

“God, I’m so sorry, Faith.” I hugged her tight.

“Don’t be sorry. I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I would probably hate you if the situation were reversed. Don’t ever be sorry for your feelings with me.” She rubbed my back in slow circles.

When we finally broke apart, we found the guys smiling at us. I knew this would be a huge load off Logan’s mind. He had been so worried this rift between Faith and I would be permanent.

Instead of getting lunch like we had planned, Faith said she wanted to go for a walk with me. Logan and Smith went back to our apartment, and she and I set out into the early afternoon sun.

“So,” she started.

“This is weird. It’s never been weird with us.” I sighed.

“We’ll get through it.” Her tone was sure, and I almost believed her. “What’s been going on? Tell me all the things you haven’t said. This causal friendship isn’t working for me anymore.”

I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to share this with her, but it scared me because there was no possible way she could understand how hard this was.

“What has Mom told you?”

“Not much, she said she didn’t want to get in the middle of us, and it wasn’t her place to tell me.” She twined her fingers with mine as we walked.

“Nothing’s working. It’s been months of failure.” I tried to pull my hand away, but she wouldn’t let me.

“Let me be here for you, Grace. You’re my best friend, and this distance has killed me. I won’t talk about the baby, but please don’t shut me out anymore,” she pleaded.

God, I wanted to tell her okay. I wanted to agree to anything she asked of me, but I couldn’t make myself say the words. I was a horrible person. I was punishing her for what she had that I couldn’t seem to get no matter what I did. I didn’t deserve her love.

“I can try. It’s so hard to talk about this with you.”

“But why?” She honestly didn’t understand.

I didn’t know if I could explain it right. “It just is. You have so much joy in your life right now. It’s hard to hear it in your voice and see it on your face. My life is dark right now, Faith. As much as I want to be the same person, I’m not. This has changed me inside. I want a baby so badly; it’s all I can think about most days. I can’t even work anymore. I’m a mess.

“I don’t care how dark you are inside, Grace. You’re still my sister; let me give you some of my light. Let me help you.” Her voice was thick with emotion.

Tears fell down my cheeks. “I don’t want to feel like this, Faith. I hate this. I never imagined it would be so hard. I always thought once I got married it would all be so easy.”

She dropped my hand and pulled me into her arms. “Honey, I’m so sorry. Tell me more about what’s going on.”

We started to walk again, heading toward Central Park. We were only a block away.

“The doctor wants to have me try shots now. Basically, it’s me giving myself a hormone shot in the stomach once a day. Hopefully
,
it will help my eggs grow more than the pills did.” Even to my own ears, I sounded dejected.

“This will work. I know it will.” She sounded so full of hope. I used to be like that, too, so hopeful that everything would be fine I was rapidly coming to the conclusion that it wouldn’t work, that nothing would.

“I don’t know. I’m not as optimistic as I used to be. All of this has rapidly sucked all of my enthusiasm out of me.”

“Of course it has. This is so much to deal with. How has Logan been doing with all of this?” She sat down on the first in a row of benches in front of the trees.

“Good, I think. He’s so strong. I wish I could be as strong as he is.” I sighed and leaned my head on her shoulder.

“Things like this affect women in a different way. God wired us differently; it’s why we balance each other out so well. They are so much more logical about things where we are emotional and let our heart lead the way instead of our brain.”

“True. I just wish I could close off my heart during this process.”

“It would make things easier, but then you wouldn’t be you.” She touched my cheek.

“I’m not me now, so it wouldn’t be that much different.” I let out a bitter laugh.

“You’re in there still, honey.”

I had missed her so much. Self-loathing coursed through me for being the one who had pushed her away.

“Tell me about you now. How far along are you?”

“Do you really want to talk about this? I’m totally fine not talking about it.” She turned to face me, her expression so fragile a strong gust of wind would shatter her.

“I want to know.” I put a hand on her knee.
Fake it till you make it
. My new motto.

“I’m twenty-five weeks now.” She put a hand on her belly and smiled.

Wow, I had missed so much. Twenty-five weeks, she was over half done. “Do you know what you’re having?”

She grinned and nodded. “But you have to promise not to tell Smith because he says he doesn’t want to know.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” I plastered on a smile for her.

“We’re having a girl.” The smile on her lips was so radiant, like the sun it warmed my cold heart.

“A girl?” I breathed.

“Yeah, I’m so excited. It’s killing me that Smith doesn’t want to know. It’s hard to decide on names when he still wants to talk about boy names.”

“What are your top choices?”

“I love Aurora and Samantha. Smith likes Amelia and Khloe. I’m not so sure about Khloe, sounds too trashy reality TV to me.” She laughed.

“I like all the names, especially Samantha. We could call her Sammy.” The icicles were breaking away from my heart. My new niece was the bridge for us.

“That was my thought. I like Amelia, too. It’s so hard to decide on names. I mean, this kid’s going to have it for the rest of her life. I don’t want to get it wrong.”

“Understandable.” I nodded.

We spent the rest of the afternoon getting to know each other again before calling Logan and Smith to come pick us up for dinner.

I felt a bit lighter. It still hurt, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be to be around her.

“I’m so proud of you.” Logan kissed me after we walked through our front door.

“Why?”

“For being so strong today. You gave her exactly what she needed.”

“They’re having a girl.” I smiled weakly.

“Smith didn’t tell me.”

“He doesn’t know, says he wants it to be a surprise.” I shrugged.

“I give him one more month before he cracks and demands to know.” He grinned and pulled me into his arms. “Did she talk about wedding plans?”

I shook my head. “It never came up. I didn’t even know they were engaged.” I was so out of the loop. My own pain and misery had taken over my whole life.

“I don’t know that he’s officially asked yet, but it’s a forgone conclusion.”

“I can’t picture Smith getting married for some reason.” I laughed a little.

“I would have said the same about myself two years ago. But then you came and my heart was no longer my own.” There was a fierce passion behind his kiss, one I had forgotten about in the last couple of months.

“I miss you.” He breathed into my neck.

“I miss you, too.” I wrapped myself around him, not wanting anything between us.

“Come on. Let’s go miss each other in bed.” He picked me up and carried me into our bedroom.

I MET SMITH AT WORK
, might as well make this a working trip for him while I had him here. I wanted to bounce a few ideas off him.

“You’re lucky I like you, McFadden.” He groaned as he walked into my office Sunday morning.

“Shut up. You love working as much as I do so get off your high horse.” I grinned and shook my head.

“What exactly was so important that I had to come in today?”

I motioned for the chair across from me, and we spent the next hour going over the specs on a company I was thinking about acquiring in Italy.

“I think it sounds solid.” He stood up and stretched

“I agree. I just don’t know who we’re going to send over there during the takeover. It can’t be me, and it sure as shit can’t be you.” I drummed my fingers on the desk.

“Get a team together now and see who stands out.” He mused.

“Yeah, that’s a good plan.”

“It’s why you pay me the big bucks.” He grinned.

“Speaking of which, when are you going to propose to Faith?”

“How is talking about my salary like me proposing to Faith?” He cocked his head to the side.

“Well, rings aren’t cheap.” I laughed.

“I’ve been thinking about it. I just don’t want her to think it’s because she’s knocked up.”

“She’s not going to think that. Have you looked at rings yet?”

“We’ve looked once. I kind of know what she wants.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“Come on then, let’s go to Tiffany’s. You’ll find something there. Plus, every woman wants to see that little blue box.”

“She’s been dropping a few hints here and there.” He looked a bit pale.

“Are you nervous about asking her, or is it the idea of marriage in general that freaks you out?” I asked as we rode the elevator down to the lobby.

“I know she’s mine, it’s not that at all. I think it’s the idea of marriage. My family was as fucked up as yours.”

I knew he was right. Smith’s was worse than mine, though. His mom left when he was ten. She couldn’t handle his dad’s cheating and didn’t want to be a mom anymore. She took off one day while he was at school and never looked back.

It has messed him up in a huge way. If I was a man whore in my glory days, then Smith was ten times that. He rarely even kept them around for the whole night. For him, it had been all about the moment.