Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (31 page)

I walked the streets, a ghost of who I used to be. I worried that this would break us, that my inability to give him a baby would be the end of the happiness we shared. I watched as happy couples with little tiny bundles wrapped up against the cold strolled through the streets. What did they have that I didn’t? Why did they get a baby? I ached for it, to feel a life inside of me. The tiny kicks and movements. I wanted it so bad.

The phone in my pocket buzzed. I knew it was Logan without even looking at it.

“Where are you? Faith said you left.” His voice dripped with concern. It was his permanent tone these days.

“I’m out walking. I know what you were trying to do when you brought her out here, but I wish you hadn’t. It hurts me to look at her, Logan. It kills me that she has the one thing I want most right now. And then I hate myself for feeling that way, for being jealous of my own sister and her happiness.” The tears fell again. I didn’t care what I looked like, or what anyone thought.

“Kitten.” His voice was thick. “I didn’t realize that it would be so hard for you. What can I do? Tell me how I can help and I’ll do it.” He sounded desperate.

“Give me a baby,” I whispered before hanging up. I didn’t blame him for this because it was my fault. I was the source of all of our misery and heartache.

Neither of us could give the other what they needed right now. I walked and walked, going nowhere in particular. I just needed to be alone. Even with the crush of people around me, I felt alone. No one was looking at me with sad eyes, saying they understood my struggle. They couldn’t.

At some point, Logan fell into step beside me. I didn’t know how he found me, but I wasn’t surprised. His fingers intertwined themselves with mine, and we walked in silence for a few blocks. His strength sustained me for the moment. He could be strong for me right now.

“Tell me how I can help you. I can’t watch you die inside every
day, Grace.” His voice was steady.

I leaned my head on his shoulder while we walked. “I don’t know. I feel like a crazy person most days. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m sure as hell not the woman you married. I don’t know who I am at this point.”

“I don’t care who you are, Kitten. I signed up for better or worse. This is just one of the times when it’s not sunshine and roses all the time. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything.” He stopped and took me in his arms. His lips brushed against my cheek.

I wanted to believe him so badly. I needed to hold on to his words, hold them deep inside, and hope that we would get through to the other side.

“You believe me right?” He took my cheeks in his hands and looked into my eyes.

“I want to,” I said softly.

“Hold on to me when things get too hard. I can be strong when you can’t. Lean on me, Kitten. Let me in. I can’t live on the outside anymore. It’s been months. I’m hurting, too. I want this as much as you do.” I could see the pain in his eyes.

Logan. My heart, the breath in my lungs. “I love you,” I whispered.

“I know you do. I love you, too. Please just let me in.” He placed his hand on my heart. “I miss you.”

I missed me, too. “This will get better.” I hoped that I wasn’t lying.

“Come on.” He took my hand again, and we walked to the limo that was waiting on the curb. I smiled, he was so practical.

He helped me in first and slid in next to me. I leaned my cheek against his chest, the wool of his suit felt scratchy. He had dropped everything to be with me.

“What were you doing when you called?” I snuggled against him.

“I was in a meeting when Faith called. I told them I had to go.”

“Logan, you have to work. Things can’t just stop for me.”

“Why the hell not? I own the fucking company. I can stop when I need to. And today I needed to. You needed me more than they did.” He tipped my lips up to his. “I told you before, I’ll always come when you need me.”

“I don’t want to go home,” I whispered. The thought of seeing Faith made me sick to my stomach. I hated this. I couldn’t stand the distance between us anymore. I wanted to be over the moon for her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t force a smile anymore.

“I know you don’t. We’re not going home today. I spoke to your sister. We’re going to stay in a hotel tonight and take care of each other. We both need it.”

“I feel awful about Faith.”

“She understands.”

Of course she did, she was a better person than I was. Every time I pushed her away, she came running back with open arms.

“I hate this. Feeling this all the time,” I said in a small voice. All I did anymore was hurt people. I wasn’t the Grace I used to be.

“I know.” He stroked my hair as we watched the buildings streak by. “For just tonight, let’s be you and me again. How we were before all of this started.”

I could give him that. I couldn’t remember the last time we made love for fun. It was all about schedules and fertile windows. There was no fun or romance in it. I forgot that sex with him was amazing. Letting him take me to places I had never been. Soaring together. He needed this today; I could feel how desperate he was for me. When I let myself think about it, I felt the same. I didn’t want this distance between us to grow into something we couldn’t come back from.

Logan got out when the limo pulled in front of the Plaza. I looked down and was horrified to see I was in sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt. My hair was a stringy rat’s nest, and I didn’t have any make-up on. I was beyond embarrassed.

“Ready? We’re all set.” He leaned back through the car door.

“Yeah, can we hurry? I’m a mess and kind of embarrassed.”

“Who cares what they think?” he challenged.

I did. Or at least I used to be the kind of person who cared what I looked like when I left the house.

I sighed and slid across the seat toward the door.  His arm was around me as soon as I was upright. Protective, always there.

When the elevator doors slid closed, sealing us inside, I let out a sigh and sagged against him. I was so tired. I never slept anymore, and when I did, the dreams I had were anything but restful.

Of course, he had rented out the Penthouse Suite. We walked right out into the stunning living room area. All decorated in shades of cream. I didn’t care about the beauty, I just wanted to rest.

Without speaking, I went in and sat down on one of the big couches. I felt hollow inside. Dead. This was no way to live. I just didn’t know how to get better.

“Let me ask you a question.” He sat down opposite me.

“Okay.” My tone was wary.

“Is this still what you want?”

“Is what still what I want?” I knew what he meant; I just wanted him to say the words to me. For some reason
,
I needed him to say them.

“All of this. The trying, all of the hormones. Is it still what you want? I don’t want you to kill yourself over this because you think you owe it to me. I love you no matter what, if we have kids or not.” He studied me as I absorbed his words.

“I want a baby. Plain and simple. Do I want all of this? No, I really don’t. I wish so much that I didn’t have to stick myself with needles every day. And that every time I got my period I didn’t cry. I miss being happy. I miss just being us.” I put my face in my hands.

“We can stop at any time, baby. Or take a break. It doesn’t have to be now or never.” His voice was gentle.

“Do you want to stop? Is that what this is?” I was terrified he would say yes. I got up and paced the floor.

“I don’t know. I just know we can’t go on like this for much longer.”

That scared the life out of me. What would happen to us if I kept pushing this? Would we cross a line we couldn’t come back from?

IT WAS SO HARD FOR
me to watch Grace die inside little by little. None of this was easy. I would move mountains to see her smile again. I planned on showing her just how much I loved her. Reminding her who we were together and why we got married in the first place.

“Come here, Kitten.” I held my hand out to her.

She took a few hesitant steps toward me. “I’m not going to bite, Grace. I’m still me. With everything that’s happened this year, I’m still me.”

“I know you are, Logan. The only one who’s changed is me.” Her face was so sad that it broke my heart to look at her.

“You haven’t changed, Grace. You’re still in there somewhere.” I felt like I was fighting for our life together. She was pulling away, and my grasp on her was failing.

“What if I can’t give you a baby, Logan,” she whispered.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Let’s just focus on today and remembering why we love each other.”

“I’m scared, baby. I’m so terrified that we won’t get through this whole. There are
pieces of me already missing.” Tears slipped down her cheeks.

“Don’t think like that. We can survive anything if we’re together.” I pulled her against me and nuzzled into her hair. “Lean on me now. There’s two of us in this.”

“Make me forget tonight. Please. Tell me you love me and just make me forget about all of it.” She clung to me like she would drown if she let go.

I lifted her into my arms and carried her into the bathroom. With one foot, I kicked the door closed and deposited her onto the counter. The tub was gigantic, big enough for four grown adults. I turned on the water and turned back to Grace.

I hated how nervous she was. How uncertain she felt.

“You’re beautiful,” I whispered against her cheek.

“I’m not.” She turned away.

“Never say that. You don’t get to tell me what I see. I would murder anyone who told me different. So, you don’t get to talk bad about yourself in front of me.”

I lifted the shirt over her head, kissing the soft skin of her chest. “God, so perfect.” I could feel her closing herself off. Wanting to cover up. “Don’t leave. Just feel. Let me take care of you, Kitten.”

“It’s hard for me. Do you understand that? I’m not the same person I was. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I feel like a pincushion.” She hid her face from me.

“You promised me tonight. Give me that,” I murmured into her neck. I wanted to worship her in the way she deserved.

I undressed slowly; sometimes it was about the show, and she needed to see it. She needed to remember me, to remember how crazy for each other we used to be.

Her gaze never left me as I unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it from my shoulders. I kicked my shoes off and let my pants fall to the floor in a puddle around my feet.

“Remember me?” I asked as I stepped out of my boxer briefs.

She licked her lips and nodded, her eyes darkened. The flicker of recognition crossed her expression. I had her now.

“Come here now.” I held a hand out, and she didn’t hesitate this time. We stepped into the steaming hot tub together, and I settled against the wall with her in front of me.

“Do you remember how good it used to be?” I whispered in her ear. “When it was just about us?”

“Logan…” She tried to turn around, but I wouldn’t let her.

“No. Tonight is for me.” I held her in place, kissing her neck. “We fit together so perfectly, Kitten. Just remember us and trust in me.”

I moved her into a sitting position and rubbed her shoulders trying to ease some of the tension she always carried with her these days.

“When I married you, I promised I would take care of you and cherish you. I’ve failed you on both of those. I’m going to make it my goal to make you feel just how much I love you each and every day.” I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. I wanted to be enough for her. To give her what she needed, but I felt helpless. I didn’t do helpless.

“Logan, you’ve always made me feel that. This situation that we’re in isn’t because we don’t love each other.” She succeeded in turning to face me and took my hands in her own. “I know exactly how you feel for me because I feel the same for you.”

“Grace, I’ve sort of let you take the reins in our relationship the past six months because of all of the fertility stuff. I see now that it was a mistake to do that. I let you push me away because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to risk losing you by being too demanding. But I’m your husband, and I can’t be pushed away anymore. You can’t carry this all on your own anymore, either. We’re both in this. I know I’ll never experience this the way you do, but I feel the loss as well. Stop pushing me away; I can’t live like this anymore. I miss my wife.” I pulled her against me, water sloshing over the edges of the tub.