Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (32 page)

She moved to straddle my thighs, pressing her slippery body against my chest. “I’m so sorry. It’s always been easier for me to internalize my feelings. I know you’re in this, too, but you’re not in my body with me. You don’t experience it in the same way, and I know you said that but it’s so much more than you know. I promise that from here on out I’ll let you in more.” She kissed me, and I could taste the salt from her tears.

“That’s all I want, Kitten. Now I’m done talking.” I shifted her hips and kissed her neck. I let her take a bit of the control as she slid against me, seeking her own pleasure. The sounds of her soft sighs almost made me lose control before we had even started.

“I need a bed now.” I hauled her out of the tub, both of us streaming water onto the marble floor. I took my time drying her off, paying extra attention to her soft breasts, using my lips and tongue.

My lips found hers again, and I backed her out of the room toward the bed. “Lay on your back,” I ordered.

She complied and I ran my tongue from her feet all the way up her body to her neck, biting and kissing as I went. This was a body that needed to be worshiped, and it was all mine to enjoy.

She sighed and squirmed underneath me, which drove me crazy, I had to make myself go slowly.

“Do you think you’re ready for me, Kitten?” My voice was hoarse.

“God, yes.” She looked up at me through her lashes. “Please, Logan.” Her arms were open for me.

I gripped her hips and pulled her down toward me, rubbing myself along her slippery entrance like I knew she loved. I was immediately rewarded with a moan as I pushed in slowly, easing in inch by inch. She fit me like a glove, made just for me.

I knew that I would have to fight myself for control tonight. This would be slow—I wanted us both to enjoy it.

“Do you need this, Kitten?” I demanded. I looked at her, daring her to disagree and tell me that she didn’t.

She was lost to her own pleasure. All that she
could do was nod as she panted and clawed at my skin.

I shifted positions so our bodies could be touching and slipping against each other. I reached down underneath and cupped her ass, making each stroke as deep as it could go. I bit my lip and slowed down, she felt too good, too perfect.

I knew she was close, her whole body was shaking. I almost lost it as her back arched off the bed and she tightened around me and went slick. I slowed down even more, rising to my knees, taking her hips with me. Pulling her against me with each stroke. We didn’t need words tonight; all we needed was to feel each other and remember who we were together.

I was so close, teetering at the edge of the cliff. I never stopped, only wanting to feed her pleasure.

“Logan.” She sighed and reached up for me. As I leaned down to meet her lips, she whispered to me, “I need to feel you now, let me feel you, let me hear how good it is for you.”

I lost it then. “Fuck. Grace. It’s so fucking good.” I gripped her hips and pushed us both over the edge, stars exploding behind my eyes as I collapsed on top of her.

We lay panting in a tangled mess for a moment, both of us satisfied.

“Remember me now?” I grinned into her lips and felt hers mirror mine.

THINGS HAD BEEN BETTER SINCE
that night in the hotel a few weeks ago. Logan and I were solid, more so than we had been in a long time. The hormones were still a bitch, but I felt better about life because I knew Logan and I were good.

Week three of the shots. Earlier in the morning, I had received my trigger shot by Dr. Welsh. Things had progressed way faster than the last two rounds of shots. She told me I had three really good follicles so she was very optimistic this month. I wouldn’t let myself get excited yet. We were scheduled to go in for the insemination in a day. The waiting after that was what kills me.

I was making more of an effort in life, not letting this process consume me the way I had been before. Faith and I talked on the phone a few times a week. She sent me pictures of her belly once a week.

My phone buzzed on the table and I saw that it was a picture message from Faith. It was a belly pic, but my eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw the huge diamond on her finger.

I snatched up the phone and called her immediately. She answered on the first ring.

“You’re engaged!” I screamed into the phone.

“I’m engaged!” she yelled at the same time.

“When did this happen?” I had no idea it was coming.

“This morning. We were lying in bed, and he was feeling the baby move. He looked at me and leaned over to his nightstand and came up with the little blue box. He said he wanted to do it in some huge romantic gesture, but this felt perfect to him. In bed with me and our baby moving under his hand. He said he would love me as long as there was breath in his body.”

“Goddamn Smith, he sure knows how to make a lady cry.” I wiped at the tears.

“I know.” She sniffled into the phone. “I’m surprised you’re so shocked by this. Logan took him ring shopping the last time we were both in town.”

“He never said a word about it.” I laughed.

“Our sneaky men. Look, I have to run. Mom just got here and wants to fawn over me for a while. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay. Love you. And I’m so happy for you guys.”

After hanging up, I sat staring out the window for a while thinking about how far our lives had come in the last two years. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine a man like Logan for my husband. He was everything I never knew I wanted or needed.

I knew for sure that I was enough for him. If we never had a baby of our own, I would always be enough for him. My worry was would this life be enough for me? I had always wanted to be a mother, and the thought of it not happening was a lot to take in.

I loved Logan with an intensity that scared me at times. I was secure in him, and what we had already built. But my dreams were very real to me, and I clutched them tightly in my heart. I didn’t know if I was ready to let them go and find a new dream. What would that be? I wasn’t the optimistic person I was when this all started. Now I was more realistic. There was a very good chance that I would never conceive and carry a baby to term. I just didn’t know if I was ready to accept that yet.

Logan and James walked through the door a few minutes later and scared me to death. I clutched a hand to my heart and breathed heavy.

“What on earth are you guys doing here? You scared the life out of me.”

“Sorry. James is going to Barbados next week with Shaina and I told him I would give him that travel book I have.” He smiled and came to give me a quick kiss before going into the den to find it.

“So, how are you feeling?” He popped a hip against the arm of the couch.

“Pretty good. Anxious. You know the drill.” I shrugged.

“I have a good feeling about this month.” He patted my arm.

“We’ll see.” This was the one thing I hated. Being fake cheery with people. I knew that James meant well, he was a really great guy, but it was hard to put on a smile and say I believed that it would happen this month.

The only person that
I didn’t have to pretend with was Logan. This month had been better with that. I didn’t internalize everything like I had been before. I shared what I was feeling with him, and it was easier because I didn’t have to carry it all alone.

He didn’t always understand the crazy emotions, but he supported me and that was all I could ask of him.

Logan returned with the book a moment later and James waved and left us alone in the living room.

“Home for the day?” I arched a brow. It was only noon.

“Well, I thought maybe we could have a quickie before I head off to a meeting at two.” He loosened his tie.

“Uh-uh. Not going to happen today. We have the insemination in a day and you need all your swimmers for that.” I felt guilty turning him down. It wasn’t often he was spontaneous like this anymore.

“Right. I forgot about that.” He looked dejected and my heart broke a little.

“We can have a little high school fun if you want.” I smiled.

“High school fun?”

“Yeah, making out and groping.” I laughed.

“You know, I don’t even think in high school I did that.” He cocked his head to the side trying to remember.

“You were such a man whore.” I threw a pillow at him.

“Guilty as charged. I think I’ll pass on the make-out session, though, but thanks for the offer. It’s not that I don’t enjoy kissing you, because I do, but it’s usually leading to something and I’m not sure I can walk around with a stiffy all day because of it.”

I laughed again. “Fair enough.”

“How about we go for lunch instead?” He was already fixing his tie and on the way over to pull me to my feet.

“I don’t know. I don’t really feel like going out today.” I had burrowed further into the couch cushions before he reached me.

“Kitten, we’re going to lunch. I told you before that I’m not letting you slip back into depression this time. We need to be normal while we can, when there’s nothing to stress about. So grab your coat.” He pulled me out of my pillow fort and into his arms.

“Okay, you win.” I threw up my hands in defeat. I knew he was right, though. This was what would be the best for me, and for us, in the long run. Logan helped me into my coat, and we headed out into the chilly afternoon sun.

His hand found mine as we walked and my heart sped up—the simplest touch from him could make me swoon. He was amazing and all mine. I loved him for how strong he was, and for staying by my side through everything we had already been through. I shuddered to think about what my life would have been like if I had walked away from him in Chicago.

We ate pizza off paper plates in a small storefront place on metal high back stools and people watched.

“Those two look like they’re in an argument.” He gestured to the young couple just outside the window. The woman was waving her hands around as she spoke.

“What do you think they’re fighting about?” I wiped at some sauce on my lip with a napkin.

“Probably the shirt he’s wearing.” He laughed.

I choked on my bite as I laughed with him. “Yeah, that is a pretty hideous shirt.” It was some sort of floral print that did not suit him at all.

“Your turn.” He bumped shoulders with me.

I scanned the crowd and found a young guy by himself with ear buds in. “What do you think he’s listening to?”

“That’s easy. He’s totally listening to the Jonas Brothers.”

“What makes you say that? He doesn’t look like a Jo Bro’s fan to me, more like a Lady Gaga fan.” I giggled.

“Just a hunch.” He shrugged.

The young guy walked past, and I saw a “Jo Bro’s 4Eva” button on his backpack.

“See, I told you.” He laughed.

“I never would have pictured that.” I grinned at him. “Okay, you go now.”

“See that old couple? He’s probably complaining that they paid too much for the taxi.” He pointed to an elderly couple just getting out of a cab.

“Ha! You’re probably right on that one. I know you would complain, too.” I swirled the ice around in my empty cup.

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, first off, you probably wouldn’t take a cab because you have a fleet of limos and cars at your disposal. So, anything that you
would pay would be too much.” I winked at him and bit my straw.

“You may be right. But I disagree with one thing you said.” He tipped my lips up to his.

“And that is?”

“You said I have a fleet. I think you meant we have one. All that I have is yours, Kitten. We share a life and a last name. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give you.” I blinked away tears at the tenderness of his voice.

“There you go saying all the right things. How do you always do that?” I dabbed at my eyes with my napkin.

“It’s a gift.” He shrugged and kissed my cheek.

“Oh, I forgot. Faith and Smith are engaged!” I don’t know how that slipped my mind, but it had. Damn hormones made me so ditzy these days.

“Yeah, I know. He called this morning.” He smiled.

“Why didn’t you tell me you went with him to get the ring?”

“Didn’t feel like my thing to share. Plus, you had other things on your mind.” His smile was tight.

I felt guilty for how absent I had been from life over the past six months. So much time spent feeling awful when I could have been enjoying my first year of marriage with my amazing new husband. The thing most people didn’t understand about infertility and when you were wrapped up in it is that it was all you could think about. It was a full time, all-consuming job.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m trying to be better.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that to make you feel bad.” He cupped my cheek.

“I know you didn’t. But I feel guilty about how bad things have been.” I looked down at my hands and the rings on my ring finger.

“I don’t want you to be sad today. Only smiles from now on, okay?” He tipped my chin up so I would look at him.

“Okay.”

He walked me back home so he could get to his meeting on time. I wandered through the apartment and into the empty room that one day I hoped would be the nursery. I needed a break from this. Feeling sad all the time had taken one hell of a toll on me.

At that moment, I made the decision that this would be our last month on the hormones for a while. I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. I didn’t want to give up, but I was terrified I would lose myself if I pushed anymore.

I MADE A PROMISE TO
myself after the insemination that I wouldn’t do any pee tests this time. It just broke my heart to see one line on the stark white background. Logan was going to the lab with me for the blood test to see if this month had worked. I told him that he didn’t need to go because all they were doing was taking the blood. But he took the whole day off to spend it with me.

“You ready to roll, Kitten?” He stepped out of the bathroom in jeans and a v neck sweater. Dear Lord, he was sexy. Ever since I made the choice to take a break from all the trying, my outlook on life had brightened. I no longer dreaded what the month would bring because I wasn’t expecting any certain outcome.

“Yeah.” I lay on the bed watching him as he moved through our room.

“You don’t look ready; you look like you want to stay in bed all day.” He grinned.