Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set (30 page)

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have a small country to buy?”

“Nah, that was this morning.” He came around and nuzzled into my neck, making me giggle.

“What about your meeting?”

“We finished early.” He pressed kisses to my skin. “You sounded so happy that I had to come spend the rest of the day with you.” His lips landed against mine finally.

“This makes today even more perfect then.” I laced my fingers into his and we walked through the store together.

“What are we looking for?” he asked as I stopped in front of the cookware.

“Nothing really. I just love stores like this.” I picked up a big All-Clad sauté pan.

“I think maybe we should get some new pots and pans. The ones we have now are from when it was just me. You should get what you really want.” He tucked my hair behind my ear.

“In that case, we’re not in the right store.” I grinned wickedly.

“Who knew cookware got you all hot and bothered?” He laughed. “Okay, so where do we need to go then?”

“Williams-Sonoma.” I sighed and clasped a hand over my heart.

“You are such a dork, but I love you all the more for it.” He led me out to the car that was idling at the curb.

I slid in next to him and cuddled against his chest. I had forgotten what this was like, normal life. Being a newlywed with an insanely sexy husband who only wanted to make me smile.

“Tell me what we’re going to be shopping for?” He ran his hands through my hair as we drove through the busy streets.

“Le Creuset. I’ve wanted my own set since I was a teenager. My mom always cooked with it when I was growing up. It was always too expensive for me to get. I just couldn’t ever justify spending that much on cookware.”

“Well, my darling, now you can buy as much as you want.” He kissed the top of my head.

I felt like a kid in a candy store when we walked through the doors. I made a beeline right to the cast iron section and practically drooled over all the pretty colors.

“What color are you thinking?” He walked behind me as I stopped in front of the cherry red section.

“The OCD part of me wants all one color, but the other part of me wants a rainbow in my kitchen.” I sighed and ran my fingers against a big round French oven.

“How about we do both? You can do all one color here and then send the rainbow ones to our place in Chicago.”

“That’s a lot of money to drop on pots and pans, Logan.” I gave him an incredulous look.

“Kitten, we have it to spare.” He shook his head and smiled.

“Fine, let the spoiling commence then,” I squealed and hugged him.

After kissing me thoroughly, Logan motioned for a salesperson to come over and help us.

“What can I help you with today?” The woman smiled brightly.

“My wife would like one of everything in…” He turned to me. “What color did you decide on?”

“Um… the cherry.”

“Okay, my wife would like one of everything in the cherry.”

“One of everything?” The woman’s eyes got really big.

“Well, actually it’s going to be two of everything, but she wants a rainbow of colors for the second set. And I assume you ship as well?”

She nodded, her eyes as big as saucers. I could only imagine the commission she was going to get on this purchase.

An hour later, Logan and I were on our way to the apartment thousands of dollars lighter. I couldn’t stop smiling; this had been the best day.

“I love you. You know that, right? Even when I’m not really myself and I’m short with you. My love for you will never waver.” I sat on his lap and kissed him gently.

“Of course, I know that. And I also know that none of that is you. This has been a tough road we’ve had to walk down and I think you’ve done remarkably well with it all.” He caressed my cheek, and I leaned into his palm.

IT WAS NINE DAYS AFTER
the insemination and still another week before they had the blood test scheduled.  I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin with the waiting. Every twinge or weird symptom made me feel like I was pregnant.

I bit the bullet and bought a bunch of pregnancy tests from the drug store the night before so I could take them first thing in the morning, which was when the urine was the most concentrated. I peed in a cup and started dipping all the sticks into it. I had bought one of every brand.

After they had all been dipped, I set them all out on the counter and ran into the bedroom to wait so I wouldn’t stare at them the whole time. I set a timer for three minutes to be safe and sat on my bed. I knew there was a very real possibility that this was too early to test and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But they were up, nonetheless. They were at the ceiling.

When the timer on my phone beeped, I sprinted into the bathroom to look at all the tests. I picked up one of the pink dye tests and stared down at it. My jaw dropped. There on the test were two pink lines. One was quite a bit lighter than the other, but it was for sure there.

I picked up another test and saw the same thing. I had five tests with faint lines on them. Tears fell down my cheeks. I was pregnant, and I loved the little life inside of me already.

“I’m going to love you so much.” I laid a hand over my midsection and spoke to the ball of cells that was growing into my baby.

I had to tell Logan. It was 9:30 so he was at work already. I scooped up all the tests and threw some clothes on quickly. I looked a hot mess, but I didn’t care.

I ran down the hall to the elevator and then down to hail a cab. I gave the cabbie the address and sat clutching the bundle of white sticks in my hand. As we drove, I got more and more excited.

When he pulled up in front of the building I realized I had left without my wallet.

“I forgot my purse.” I blurted as I opened my door.

“Hey, wait!” he yelled.

“Do you know this building?”

He nodded.

“That’s my last name on it. Stay here and someone will be down to pay you okay?”

He looked me over. “Your last name’s McFadden?” He didn’t believe me.

“Yes. Grace fucking McFadden!” I yelled back. “I’m in a hurry. Stay put and someone will be down.” I bolted before he could protest further, but I heard him coming after me.

He caught up to me halfway through the lobby. Security swarmed around us in an instant.

“Is everything okay, Mrs. McFadden?” Scott, the head of security asked.

“Fine, Scott. I forgot my wallet at home, and he doesn’t believe I am who I say I am. But really, I can’t blame him with how I look right now.” I laughed. “Can someone please pay and tip him for me? Logan will pay you back when he comes down.”

“Don’t worry about it at all. You go on up.” He nodded and motioned to the elevators.

“Thanks, Scott!” I kissed his cheek and ran to the elevators.

James was waiting for me when I stepped off. “What kind of commotion did you cause in the lobby, Grace?” he asked with a laugh.

“The usual, you know how I roll, James. Is he in?” I prayed that he was. It never occurred to me on the way over that he could be gone.

“Yeah, but he’s got someone in there with him.”

I nodded and went to the door anyway. I didn’t care who was in there, I just wanted to tell him we were going to have a baby. I burst through the door and both Logan and the other man looked up.

“Grace?” He got up from his chair.

“Sorry to interrupt.” I ran to him.

“Are you okay?” He looked me over to see if I was injured or what the problem was.

“More than okay.” I smiled and held out the pregnancy tests for him to see.

“Mark, I’ll call you tomorrow and we can finish this?”

“Of course.” Mark excused himself.

“What am I looking at here, Kitten?” He squinted down at the white sticks.

“See those lines?” I pointed to them.

“Yeah.”

“That means we’re going to have a baby. I’m pregnant, Logan!” The tears started falling again.

He caught me up in a hug and swung me around in a circle. “Really? We’re having a baby?” His eyes were shining.

“Really.” I kissed him.

“We did it, baby.” He kissed me all over—my eyes, my cheeks, my lips.

My heart was so full, I thought it would burst. We had really done it. After all of the heartache, we were going to be parents.

“I still need to get the blood test and all that. This is way early to find out, too. But five tests don’t lie.”

“No, they sure don’t.” He stared down at the tests again. “When do you go get the blood test?”

“I have to call Dr. Welsh and set it up. I came right over after taking the tests. I didn’t even shower.” I motioned to my crazy appearance.

“I think you look beautiful.” He kissed me, his hands fisted in my hair. He packed so much love into that one kiss that I was breathless when he pulled away.

I picked up his desk phone and called Dr. Welsh’s office to set up the test. They told me to come right down and take it. Logan and I scrambled down to the limo giggling like little kids. Both of us were so giddy.

After the labs had been done, we went home and celebrated with a day curled up in bed talking and dreaming about what our baby would be like.

The next morning, they called with my results. I was pregnant, but my levels were low. They said it was really early still, so not to worry. I was scheduled to come in the next morning to test again.

I tried not to worry, but really that was easier said than done. Logan worked from home so he could be with me during the day.

“I can see the wheels turning in your head over there,” he said from across the table. We were both set up on our laptops in the kitchen.

“I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until tomorrow’s test.” I was a ball of anxiety.

“There’s nothing you can do about it no matter what, right? So, worrying about it is only going to hurt you. No Googling anything.” He gave me his best stern look.

“I’m not on Google.” I quickly exited the screen I was on.

“Kitten, I’m serious. Please don’t go looking up why you have low levels. Dr. Welsh said it was still really early.”

I nodded. I had peed on more tests this morning and the lines were lighter than they had been the day before. I didn’t tell him about that. So, now I was in agony worrying about what it could mean.

Everything I had read told me that your levels were supposed to double every other day. And that pee tests had varying degrees of sensitivity so I shouldn’t be stressing about it just yet.

The rest of the day slipped by in a blur of anxiety and worry. Logan did his best to keep me occupied with movies and begging me to try out my new pots and pans and make something for dinner. It worked for the most part, but the nagging worry was still there in the back of my mind.

We were at the lab when they opened at 7:30 the next morning. Dr. Welsh had told me if we went early, I would get my results by lunchtime. I had peed on more tests before we left and the line was almost nonexistent. I was sick to my stomach as they took my blood. I knew what the results would be.

Logan knew something was wrong, but I wouldn’t tell him what. We were losing this baby, I knew we were. I just had to wait until the results came in to be sure.

“Do you want to go to Williams-Sonoma?” he prodded.

“No.” I stared blankly out the window, trying not to break down.

“Kitten, tell me what’s wrong.” He turned me so I was forced to look at him.

“We’re losing the baby,” I said in a flat voice.

“What? You can’t know that. We just took the test, Grace,” he tried to reassure me.

I shook my head, and a few tears slipped down my cheeks. “No, I do know. I’ve been taking the pee tests every day. The line is going away.” I choked on the words, hating myself for having to say them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He took me into his arms and held me tight.

“I wasn’t sure until this morning,” I whispered.

“Well, you still don’t know for sure.” He said in a matter-of-fact voice. My Logan, so logical. He wouldn’t believe it until Dr. Welsh told us.

I didn’t bother arguing with him about it. I let him drag me around the city for the whole morning. I knew he needed to do this to keep his mind occupied.

My phone buzzed at 11:30. It was Dr. Welsh’s office.

“Grace?” It was Dr. Welsh herself.

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Well, we got your results and I’m afraid they aren’t what we want. Your number has dropped from twenty-five to seven.”

“Okay. So what does that mean then? What do we do about it?” I tried to stay calm.

“There’s nothing to be done at this point. You’re having what we call a chemical pregnancy. That means that the embryo didn’t attach itself to your uterine wall for some reason.” She sounded sympathetic.

I passed the phone to Logan, I couldn’t talk anymore. My world had dropped out under my feet.

“Dr. Welsh? This is Logan. Grace can’t talk.” He paused and listened for a moment.

“Okay, I’ll have her call the office in a few days to schedule her next appointment.

Chemical pregnancy. Such a clinical world for the crashing down of all of my hopes and dreams. It didn’t matter that I never heard the heartbeat or felt it move, this was still my baby and I had loved it and it was mine.

“Kitten.” Logan’s voice was hoarse. I could see the tears slip down his cheeks. He had loved this baby, too.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked.

“For losing your baby,” I sobbed.

MY HEART WAS BREAKING IN
two. All of this was too much. I hated myself and what I couldn’t give him. After losing the baby the month before, I had thrown myself into trying again. I was determined to give Logan a baby.  No one ever fully understood, not even Logan. Sure, he was in it with me, but he wasn’t in my body. The body
that
I used to think was beautiful was now pumped full of hormones and covered in pinpricks from daily shots. The weight piled on, and the tears felt like they would never stop.

I sat in our apartment, staring out the window. Once again we were unsuccessful. Another month of failure for me. There was nothing inside of me but emptiness. All of the years I was on birth control, when in reality it never would have mattered since I couldn’t get pregnant anyway. The realization that all of this was for nothing was slowly dawning on me. There would be no baby; I needed to stop deluding myself into thinking there would be. I just wanted to cry and be left alone, but Logan had seen to it that I wasn’t. He had called my mom to come, but she couldn’t so Faith had flown in the night before and was walking on eggshells around me.

“Honey, do you want some breakfast?” she called from the kitchen.

I didn’t answer; I couldn’t make myself speak. I loved her so much, but seeing her right now was rubbing salt in the wound. I didn’t blame her for the child she carried, or maybe I did, and that made me hate myself even more. I grabbed my coat and fled the apartment. I couldn’t be strong today. I couldn’t put on a smile and pretend I was okay, because I wasn’t. I was light years from okay.