Never Stopped Loving You (24 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

There was movement, a shifting of heat and soft body. Wade came awake enough to realize Kara was slipping away from him and easing out of bed once again. He caught her by the hip and dragged her back to the front of him. Things were fantastic between them in a complete day-by-day way, but she gave nothing else. It was chapping his ass hard. He was ready for more. Words didn’t have to be spoken, but if she’d just stay with him all night long and through the morning, that would be progress. They’d been through this. Just like the morning they put together the swing set, she still left, still went back to her mom’s old house that she hated.

Hated it. Here he was offering her a chance to stay away from the place, and she still went back every morning.

The past few times he’d feigned sleep as she left him, but not today. He couldn’t stand having her leave him before dawn as if they were sneaking in his own damn house. “Mine.”

She stilled and then softened back against him. “I have to go home, Wade.”

He glanced to the window and confirmed what he already knew. It was still dark. “Way too damn early.”

She chuckled. “I want to get home and change clothes before starting work today. You know that.”

They were exactly the same as they were three weeks ago when they agreed to take a next step. The exact. When anyone was around, he knew to stay hands off, friends only, and somehow fight the big smile that tried spreading across his face every damn minute of the day. And that was fine. He could live with that. He really could.

On Saturday nights they’d bake since they didn’t go out. And that was a lot of fun. Especially when Whitney headed out with Tasha to see a movie. He was more than fine baking with Kara alone in the house because he’d discovered what it was like to lick the extra cupcake frosting off her naked breasts.

During the week he’d often find her in the fields. Or in the kitchen with headphones in her ears. Sometimes he’d leave her a sexy note next to her mixer while her back was turned. All of that, okay.

Night was fantastic. He had Kara in his bed every night. They didn’t always have sex and even those nights were great because he still had her. The mornings were the real bitch, though, because in the mornings, Kara was always missing.

She wiggled toward the edge of the bed, but he didn’t release her. “Wear what you wore yesterday. Or wear my clothes.”

“We’ve had this conversation at least eight times, you know.”

He kissed the back of her neck and her shoulder. Even after bathing in his soap last night, sleeping in his bed afterward, there was still this special Kara scent coming off her. “There’s plenty of time.”

Her cute little ass, that pranced in front of him anytime they were naked, sat against his lap. He thrust his hips forward to show why she wasn’t going anywhere. The muscles of her stomach under his palm firmed and then she sank against him. Her hips pressed back and he knew she was all his. She wasn’t going anywhere. For now. And if he had his way, they’d be right back in this spot first chance they got.

“Maybe there’s a little bit of time.”

It was risky, but he prodded and pushed a little this morning. Maybe he could get her to put a pair of pajamas in that drawer he’d cleaned out. Or a shirt in the closet. If she would just bring something other than the toothbrush, it would be sign, but so far nothing.

Was a pair of socks too much for a guy to ask for? “If you’d bring a change of clothes back with you tonight, we wouldn’t have this problem in the morning.”

“But then I might as well move in.”

He cupped her breast and rolled her nipple until she moaned. “I think that’s the best thing you’ve said all day.”

She laughed. “And it’s still so early. I am on fire today.”

He eased her on her back. “I think you’re on fire every day, but hell, you are here most of the time anyway. What difference would it make? You said yourself you wanted this to be your home, all you have to do is take it.”

Her gaze left his and she stared into the dark corners of his room. Already disappointment settled in his gut. The drifted-off look couldn’t be mistaken. She was still picking a place she hated over somewhere she loved. And for what reason, he couldn’t answer.

She didn’t look at him. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right yet.”

“Kara, do you know what you want?”

She pulled in a breath and relaxed. Any sexual glow had begun to die from her body. Just as well because he had a feeling he wouldn’t be the least bit interested once this conversation finished. “I want to be happy.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

She bit her lower lip and she didn’t have to say it. He fell to his back and unwound his hands from her. Her voice was soft in the early morning. “I’m sorry, Wade. I know you’ve been understanding, but I’m doing my best. We’re both happy and I don’t want to chance something that could screw that up.”

Back to this. Always back to this. Did she even realize she lived for the day they would break up and lose everything instead of just being with him? So many times he’d wanted to point that out, but held it back. “How about we stay at your house tonight? Then you won’t have to get up so early.”

Her wide, round eyes met his. “You don’t want to stay at Mom’s. I don’t even have a real bed!”

He grabbed her hands and held them tight. Hands always seemed to be forgotten when it came to touching, but he loved the feel of her impossibly soft skin next to his rougher ones. “I want to stay with you. If that’s at your mom’s on an air mattress, then that’s okay by me.”

Her head tipped to the side. “I go home, by myself, because it helps keep me grounded. I need that time away.”

“Right.” He sighed and closed his eyes, knowing better than to toss out what he really wanted say. That this, whatever the hell this was, wasn’t enough. He needed more and she was going to have to give it to him. An ultimatum. One that was far too risky because he knew Kara would pick her fear. While he was ready for more, he wasn’t at the point he would risk her leaving him. So more time, then.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I wish I could explain it better. I like being here. I want to stay in the mornings, but I need that time.”

The morning sex they usually had was not happening today as she slipped out of bed and he let her go. When he’d normally watch her, he simply stared at the ceiling, wondering how they’d ever get out of this endless cycle of never going anywhere. Never moving beyond what they were.

He wasn’t even sure what they were. They were together. That was it. For almost a month, it had been more than enough. Now he wanted more. When someone came up to him and asked what was going on with him and Kara, he wanted to be able to finally give an answer rather than hedge his way around the question. He wanted to say this was the woman he was going to marry. The one he was going to have his kids with.

He was getting older. He wanted more things from life. She eased a knee on the bed and leaned over him. She’d dressed and pulled her hair back. “Wade, I...”

He waited.
I
...what? Wanted to end this? Thought they shouldn’t have started on? Knew what she needed to do so they could move on from whatever they were into something more? Hell, when it came to Kara, he never knew. Usually he found that a bit endearing about her. Not so much now. “You what, Kara?”

She sighed. “I’ll see you in an hour. Whitney asked if I’d make her some cinnamon pancakes, if you want some.”

She dropped a quick kiss over his mouth and left the room.

The gentle thuds of her going downstairs echoed out in the silent early morning. He didn’t even hear birds yet, it was that early. The front door opened and closed and her car started soon after and she was gone. He slung the covers back and dressed to take advantage of the predawn hours. More than ever he was working in the barn to get it transformed into a home.

One he hoped he’d be able to share with Kara, but more and more he wasn’t so sure that would ever happen. Damned if he knew what to do about it. What else could he do? Like hell would he break up with her because she wouldn’t talk about the future. He wasn’t that aggravated by it yet, but how long was he supposed to remain patient before she realized what they had wasn’t about to fall apart?

Again, she’d left him with no choice but to go along, and that was really starting to rub.

Coffee scented through the halls of the house and he all but floated down the stairs for it. Bless the timer on the machine.

He filled his mug and found the latest information on their sales off his sister’s desk to read as the coffee soaked through his veins. He no more than got the file opened across his lap when Kara’s car was coming back up the road. He would know her engine anywhere.

He stood as her footsteps ran up the front and he met her at the door. She wore the same clothes as when she left a few minutes ago. Her cheeks were paler, though, as she looked down at her phone and then slowly lifted her gaze to his. Her normal bright blue eyes were all but faded. “What happened?”

She blinked hard and fast. There weren’t any tear stains on her cheeks, but by the water filling in her eyes, it wasn’t going to be long. She lifted her phone. “The nursing home called. Mom is asking about me. My battery died yesterday afternoon and I plugged it in my car. I got down the road and had a voice message.”

“When are you going?”

She paused in raking hair back from her face. “I...don’t know that I will. After the last time, I swore I would never go back.”

He rubbed her arms. He couldn’t make that choice for her, but if her mom was in her right mind, he wanted Kara to go. “If she’s lucid, you can possibly get some answers out of her.”

“What would I ask?”

He looked at her and wished he had an answer. He didn’t. He brought her in against his chest. Any answer had to be better than something. While Kara didn’t talk about her mom a lot, he wasn’t an idiot and knew some of her reservations about them had to do with her mom. “Anything, but don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to go. It doesn’t make you a bad daughter.”

Her hands around his back tightened. “Thank you.”

“If you want to go, I’d like to go with you.”

“You don’t want to be dragged through that circus.”

“I happen to like the circus, but I don’t want to go to see her. I want to go so I can be there with you.”

She pushed off him and shook her head. “What would we talk about?”

“Whatever you want.”

She hugged herself and one of those tears finally slipped out. “All I ever wanted to know was why she forgot about me.”

“Honey, she didn’t forget about you.”

“When I was a kid I remember wishing I was something she could buy at a store.”

He broke apart inside listening to the serious tone wrapped around her sad words. He didn’t consider what her life was like when they were kids. He’d asked Mom once why she slept so much at their house and his mom said because she wanted Kara to and to not ask that again. “She did value her possessions.”

“Value.” A huff blew out of her. “I did a lot of reading when I got to my grandma’s. People who hoard think their piles of crap is a treasure to value.” Her brows pulled in and she looked up at him. Tension pulled at the corners of her eyes. “I never considered how we survived growing up. I know I got through because of your parents, but Mom didn’t work. She got alimony and child support from Dad. She used both for what she wanted. Countless times I remember her buying crap Dad would like for that elusive time in her head when he would return.”

“She never thought he left. Is that right?”

She nodded. “For the most part. Sometimes she seemed to know he was gone. Generally she seemed to think he’d be there any second and that’s why she bought stuff for him. You know, every time I’d ask, she would never, ever come home with my favorite fruit snacks your mom always kept for me? She’d bring in bags and bags of junk for a man who didn’t live there and I wasn’t allowed to touch any of it, but she couldn’t bring me a box of snacks one time. If she didn’t forget about me, then what was I in her mind?”

“There’s no easy answer to that, but she’s the only one who would know.”

Two more tears went over her cheeks and tore off another piece of his heart. A sob cracked out of her. “But what if she says I wasn’t good enough to remember?”

He rubbed his hands over her arms and leaned his forehead to hers. “That is not true and if she says that, she’s even more insane than I ever thought possible.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Kara tipped her vibrating phone out of her pocket just enough to see it was the home calling again. She directed the call to voice mail and returned to her lunch.

Wade glanced up from his sandwich. “Was that them again?”

She nodded. “I’m sure they’re leaving me another message.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?”

Yes. No. She didn’t know. She lifted a shoulder and pushed her food away. “What am I going to say to her?”

“Anything you want. Or nothing at all. Maybe she wants to apologize to you?”

She bit her lip and glanced away from him. She’d had that exact thought—hope—more than once over the past couple weeks since the phone calls started. It’s not that they called every day. This was just the fourth call. Each buzz of her phone and soft-spoken message almost had her caving.

Hi
,
Ms.
Duncan.
This is Rebecca Lassle at Fresh Morning Nursing Home.
Your mother is still asking for you.
If you’ll give me a quick call
,
I’d like to just talk.

So tempting to return that call. Her phone buzzed again and she pulled back to see she had a new voice mail. Another of the same thing from this Rebecca woman.

Wade picked at his sandwich and pushed his away too. “Calling
again?
”

“And leaving another voice mail.”

“You’re not going to listen to it?”

“It’ll be the same. She wants to talk.” Or guilt her into visiting. Kara wasn’t interested in either.

“So talk to the nurse. You might find out what your mom wants without having to go.”

“You sure are interested in me seeing my mom all of a sudden.”

He reached across the table and patted the back of her hand. “I’m worried about you. I know this is on your mind. Don’t call back for your mom’s sake. Call for yours.”

“Fine. If I call the nurse, will you stop?”

He lifted a shoulder and leaned back. “I’ll stop worrying a little.”

“I’ll call, but I’m not going to visit and get accused of stealing her candy again.” She punched over the phone to the caller list and selected the home’s number with all the indignation flooding through her. The number flashed on a new screen with options to send a message or call and she stopped. A knot was tight in her throat as she mashed the call button.

It was just a phone call. Nothing more. The ache in her said it was way more. Like a drum pounding her ribs in two. The phone clicked and Rebecca’s familiar hello was on the line. Kara forced a swallow past the thick double knot that was supposed to be her throat. “This is Kara Duncan.”

“Ms. Duncan! I’m so glad to have finally reached you.”

“Kara is fine.”

“Good, good to talk to you, Kara. As I mentioned, your mom has been asking about you for the last month.”

“I’m really not up for a visit.”

“I understand. I see your last visit didn’t go well.”

To put it lightly, but okay. “No, it did not.”

“I’ve looked at your mother’s file a lot and I can say with confidence, she’s grown a lot over the last few years. She regularly attends group therapy and is like clockwork with her medicine. She speaks of you all the time and of the pigtails she used to put your hair in.”

No. To Kara’s knowledge, her mother never even brushed her hair. “I don’t remember that.”

“She’s really remembering a lot. It could be good, for the both of you, if you could visit one day.”

Kara didn’t know a lot about her mom, but she knew one thing for sure. Nothing good ever came of seeing her mom. She’d learned that a long time ago. It was always her heart left in shatters and there were only so many beatings it could take. She lowered her head. “My mother has no use for me. If you want to get her excited, call my dad to visit. He’s all she ever wanted.”

“Your father isn’t the only person she speaks of anymore. She talks about many people she knew from growing up, but speaks of you most of the time. You’re welcome to visit anytime during regular visiting hours without an appointment. If that time isn’t good for you, we can make other arrangements.”

“I’ll consider it.” Kara hung up before Rebecca could get another word in. She put the phone flat on the center of the table and every last joint on her hung heavy. “Happy now?”

The corner of Wade’s mouth pulled down as he reached to her. “I’m happy when you’re happy.”

She laid her head on the table. “Then you shouldn’t be happy right now.”

“What should I be?”

Good question. “Empty feels about right.”

“But I’m not empty. I’m sad, but I have you and Whitney. Tate. Patrick and Tasha. I’m not empty.”

Fine. He had a point there. “Pissed.”

“I can understand that. What does she want?”

“My mom? I don’t know. Nothing, anything. The nurse just thought it would be good for me to visit because Mom’s been asking about me. But I don’t know.” Kara had picked herself up through the hardest time of her life and now things were somewhat stable. Her mom’s only talent was making her miserable. No thanks.

“She’s in Little Rock, isn’t she?”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll only take about two hours to find out.”

To find out if her mom was the same to her? Or maybe she had improved and would answer all Kara’s questions. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to? Yeah. That. Hadn’t she suffered enough?

Kara sighed and looked to Wade. Or maybe he was right and she should go. She rubbed her forehead. How exactly could things get worse with her mom? Kara was happy and stable in her life. Anything her mom did or said couldn’t touch that. “All right, fine.”

“You want to go?”

“Let’s just get this over with.”

He interlocked his fingers through hers and they stayed together all through the two-hour drive to Little Rock. Her palms grew hot with each passing mile. Dampness coated between her fingers. It was gross and she wanted to let go. She couldn’t. Even if she wanted to, Wade’s firm grip likely wouldn’t let her.

He turned on the interstate and somewhere between the on-ramp and looking ahead at the slight hill that would soon reveal the tallest buildings in Little Rock, her heart stopped. The new pavement under the truck was smooth. The roar of the tires was loud in her ears as they inched closer to that little incline, topped it, and there was Little Rock.

No more putting it off now. Wade lifted his phone and checked the GPS directions to Fresh Morning Nursing Home. “Looks like another ten minutes.”

“Okay.” What else could she say?

Turn around and take me back!
She swallowed those words down. She’d come this far, turning around now would just be a waste. The thick tree line along the interstate cleared away as the pavement turned to concrete and led them into the heart of Little Rock. She held her breath over the river bridge and it shuddered out of her as he took the next exit.

The road wound down into bumper-to-bumper traffic, red lights and sidewalks of pedestrians. It forced them to all but a crawl as ten minutes turned to fifteen and then twenty. Finally the blinker clicked on and Wade took them up a little hill, rounded a curve to a brick sign with Fresh Morning Nursing Home stating they were there. Two tall trees hung over the red brick. Shrubs were along the bottom half and flowers in front of them as he drove past and down the long, winding road.

More trees speckled the yard and lush green grass extended all the way to a white building that stretched as wide as a football field. Or more.

Another knot filled her throat and she pushed it down as Wade circled the visitor parking lot and pulled in a slot near the door. He turned the engine off and before he got his belt undone, he looked at her. “You sure about this?”

“Now you’re having second thoughts?”

He shook his head. “I just want you happy and right now, you’re not as happy as you could be. Not even as happy as you were in the few weeks after you came back home.”

She looked down and nodded. He had a point, but she doubted this place held the clues to what she needed. At least now that she was here, the phone calls would stop. She pushed open the front glass door and the scent of hospital mixed with cafeteria food wrapped around her. A shiver went off her shoulders as she approached a front desk and asked for Rebecca.

Off-white tiles of vinyl floor tiered out from the walk-in area and rubbed against well-worn light brown carpet. Old people mingled around a large living room setup. A TV was in the corner and
Golden Girls
flicked across the screen. She watched as Blanche pranced around the living room and Sophia called her a slut for it.

A smile went across Kara’s lips and she breathed easy. Footsteps coming up behind her dashed the humor inside as a petite blonde woman in pink scrubs approached with her hand extended. “Hi, I’m Rebecca. I’m so thrilled you’re here.”

That made one of them. “I’d rather just get this over with.”

The big grin on Rebecca’s mouth died a little. “I understand. I hope this will go smoother than you’re expecting. She really has come a long way. Thank you for coming. The inside is a little busy right now, but we have a lovely garden outside. Would you like to meet her there?”

“That’ll be fine.” Garden. Sounded like there could be places to hide. Perfect.

Wade escorted her to the glass doors where Rebecca gestured. He opened the door and stood back. “You can do this. I’ll be here waiting when you’re done.”

She started to ask him to come outside and hold her hand, but Lord knows this was probably going to be plenty humiliating in some form or another. She nodded and stepped outside.

The wind had died down. The air was still and scented of the many flowers surrounding the patio. A small table sat in a nook just off the doors. It was large enough for a couple glasses of tea and maybe a pitcher. Or a plate of snacks.

Two chairs were around the table, but she couldn’t sit. She walked to the edge of the patio and faced a wall of roses that went up taller than her. She rubbed her hands along her hips as the door behind her clicked open. The sound of Rose talking about St. Olaf washed over her and she braced herself as she turned and found a thin woman being seated at the table.

The brown hair Kara remembered on her mother had grayed. Wrinkles dabbed at her eyes and marked the corners of her lips. Kara couldn’t recall laughter in the house, but the lines marked her face all the same.

Weight had filled in the bony cheeks Kara always saw in her dreams. Or nightmares. There were two ways of looking at that coin. Staring at her mom after all this time, Kara didn’t have words to say and she hadn’t been given instructions. Was she supposed to hug her? It felt like lead filled her arms. She could say hi, but a muzzled dog could talk easier.

Her mother tucked hair behind her ear. “You can sit.”

Clear words spoken and not at all like the mumbling or yelling Kara remembered. “I’m okay standing.”

Her mom nodded and offered a smile as she tapped her fingers over the tops of her thighs. Kara’s fingers itched to do the same, but she fisted her hands. “You look well.”

“Oh, thank you.” Her mom let out a long breath and smiled her way, then looked to the flowers. “I put on my best dress. My daughter is visiting me today.”

“Your daught—” Her throat caught. She looked down and stared at the tips of her brown sandals. How could disappointment smack so damn hard when she hadn’t even gotten her hopes up? “I see.”

Tears burned and she turned away, feeling like the kid back in that hated house all those years ago. She hid her tears now just as well as she did then. She’d forgotten the sheer emptiness and craving for something more from her mom and knowing deep inside that want would never be satisfied. She let out a long breath to get the hell out of there. She was done. “I hope you enjoy your visit.”

“Thank you. I’m excited. I haven’t seen her since she was five or six. She should be about thirteen now.”

“Thirteen.” Kara’s voice cracked, and she was unable to walk away. “Whoa.”

“I had to come here, but I’m better now.”

“Where has your daughter been this whole time?”

“At home with her dad.” Her mom blinked and she smiled. The tapping started back up on her thighs.

The only thing that had changed was her mother’s hateful attitude when she spoke to her. The way she clawed at Kara’s chest with just a look was the same. “Your daughter never visited or called?”

“No. Her dad thought it would be too hard on her. Talking to me, but not seeing me. He always knows best.”

He liked to think he did.

Her mom turned away and glanced through the glass door. She frowned and pointed inside. “That man looks like someone I know.”

Kara followed her gaze to Wade standing just inside. “Who is that?”

“Sam Chester.”

Her heart stuttered. Of course. Wade’s dad. Kara backtracked through the math. Her mom claimed not to have seen her since she was six. That was about the time her dad left them. And she wasn’t so stupid that she couldn’t count the difference between six and thirteen was seven. The number of years she had been away at her dad’s, meaning her mom had pretty much wiped Kara growing up from her memory.

Her mom frowned. “So strange seeing him. Or a man who favors him. My Kara loved to play at his house with his daughter. Sometimes I think she liked it better there.”

She did.

“Before I left, I remember her saying she was going to live with them. She was always a dreamer like that. She gets that from me.” Her mom beamed at her and Kara was going to be sick.

“Good luck.” She forced the words out and got through the doors as fast as she could. Wade caught her by the arms. She didn’t look up, she just shook her head. “I’m ready to go. Now.”