New Beginnings (106 page)

“I just need time,” I said, praying I wouldn’t cry. “Maybe after we’ve been apart awhile—”

“You’ll let me come back?”

He sounded so hopeful it almost made me question whether we could find our way back.

Looking at him now, I realized how unfair it was that he was sexier now than he’d been the day we met. He was over forty, but he was still muscular, thanks to the hours he spent in our home gym at the end of the day. The silver streaking his stylishly cut black hair made him look hot. His biker look had become refined, trendier. Now he wore Boss jeans with artful tears instead of grease stains, fitted button-down shirts under buttery leather jackets with tattoo-inspired graphics that rivalled those decorating his powerful arms. He was the face of Steele Choppers, the man behind the empire.

“I don’t know what will happen, Ryker. I just know I can’t go on like this. I’m not happy, and I know I’m not the only one.” The fact that he didn’t deny my claim told me he shared my pain.

“What are we going to tell the boys?”

“The truth.” I pretended to be much calmer than I was. The thought of telling my kids that their dad, who they idolized, was moving out at my insistence terrified me. I didn’t want them to turn on me, to tell me they were going to live with their dad instead of staying with me in the house they’d grown up in.

“I’m not even sure I know what the hell the truth is, Mac. So why don’t you fill me in before we tell them?”

“We’ll tell them—”

The door slammed, and our two sons, Zane and Cole, rushed in. At fourteen and fifteen, they were caught in the awkward phase between boys and young men. I feared the news we were about to impart would evoke tears, though they both claimed they were too old, too tough to cry.

They were their father’s sons. Tall, both with black hair and piercing blue eyes, filling out in a way that hinted at the muscles to come. But to me, they were still my little boys. I’d sneak a kiss when I could, ruffle their hair when I woke them up in the morning, and tell them I loved them before they went to bed at night, even though they’d often roll their eyes instead of saying it back.

“Hey,” Zane said, looking from me to his dad and back again. “What’s going on?” He met Ryker’s gaze, holding it for a beat before he asked, “What are you doing home so early, Dad? It’s not even six.”

Ryker cleared his throat before glancing at me. “Uh, your mom asked me to come home early. We had some things to talk about.”

“Cool,” Zane said. “What’s for dinner? I’m starved.”

“Homemade pizza,” I said, knowing our news would quash their appetites. “Uh, sit down for a sec, guys. Your dad and I want to talk to you about something.”

Ryker sent one more pleading look my way, silently begging me to reconsider, to give it more time, but I knew if I didn’t speak my mind now, I’d live forever in this limbo, feeling unwanted, undesirable, hurt, and confused. I needed more. I thought I deserved more.

Zane and Cole sat down next to their dad. The three people I loved more than anything stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to deliver the words I knew would tear all of our lives apart.

“So, um, your dad and I have been talking.” I rubbed my sweaty palms on the thighs of my cotton leggings. “And we’ve decided it would be best if he moved out for a while.” I said for
a while
to soften the blow. My gut told me once Ryker got a taste of freedom, he wouldn’t come back to me.

The boys’ jaws dropped in unison before they gaped at each other.

Zane, the oldest, was the first to find his voice. “You guys are splitting? For real?”

“We’re taking some time apart,” Ryker said gently. “That doesn’t mean I won’t be moving back home someday.”

I hated that Ryker was giving them false hope, but I understood. He was trying to ease their pain, perhaps mine as well. In spite of his faults, he’d always been a compassionate man, at least with his family.

“No,” Cole said, shaking his head. “No way. Not you guys. You’re tight.”

I understood why our sons would think that. Ryker and I didn’t argue very much. We still laughed and smiled when our eyes met. We attended all of our sons’ sporting events together, hugged when he walked in at the end of a long day, even held hands in the car. But that was the extent of the intimacy we shared. We were just friends, and I wanted more. I wanted passion. I wanted someone to find me appealing again, to look at me the way Ryker used to.

Maybe I was going through a mid-life crisis. Could be I’d wake up tomorrow and have a panic attack when I realized what I’d done, but it was a chance I had to take. If I didn’t, I’d spend the rest of my life living in the gray area, not happy but not sad. Not alive but not dead.

“Your mom and I will always be friends,” Ryker said, reaching for my hand. “We’ll always be a family. I don’t want you guys to worry about that.”

I loved Ryker for trying to make this easier on our kids, to present a united front, instead of telling them the truth, that I’d been the one to ask him to move out.

“Who will we live with?” Zane asked, crossing his arms over his midsection. “You or Mom?”

I was almost afraid Ryker would ask them who they wanted to live with. If it came down to it, I feared they may choose him over me. He was cool. He let them stay up late, drink out of the milk carton, and play video games instead of doing their homework. I was the boss, the disciplinarian, the bad guy.

“We’ll figure things out,” Ryker said, putting his arm around Zane, who was seated beside him. He grabbed the back of Cole’s head at the same time. “This is new to all of us. We’ll have to adjust. Maybe you’ll spend weekends and one or two nights during the week with me.”

It sounded like he was proposing joint custody, which I supposed would be better than losing my boys altogether. “Perhaps.”

“Man, this sucks,” Cole said, hanging his head.

Ryker closed his eyes, obviously trying to compose himself. “I know it does, buddy.”

***

Ryker

Seeing my kids in pain was almost worse than the agony I was experiencing. I couldn’t believe Mac didn’t want me anymore. I’d built my life around this woman. I’d left behind a life of petty crime and running with the guys because I wanted to make her proud.

I built a successful business from the ground up, worked eighty hours a week in the early years because I wanted to give her and my kids everything they deserved. How had this happened? How had I let it happen?

“Where will you go?” Zane asked.

“I might just crash with your Uncle Nex for a bit until I can find my own place.” I prayed it wouldn’t come to that. I wanted to believe Mac would miss me after a few days and ask me to come back home. But judging by the blank expression on her face, I may have been expecting too much.

“I have a belt ceremony next week,” Cole said. “You’ll be there, won’t you?”

Both boys were pursuing their black belts in karate. “Of course I’ll be there.” I raised an eyebrow at Mac, daring her to argue with me.

She may be able to kick me out of my own house, but I’d be damned if I let her challenge my right to be a part of my sons’ lives. Not that I thought she would. She was a good woman. The best. And I was losing her. God, I’d been such an idiot, letting this rift between us get bigger instead of making more of an effort to repair it. Now it was too late.

“You guys have homework,” Mac said. “Why don’t you head downstairs and do it before dinner? I’d like to discuss a few more things with your dad.”

Both boys gave me a tight hug and told me they loved me before they grabbed their backpacks and headed downstairs.

Mac waited until they were out of earshot before she said, “I packed a suitcase for you, Ryker. You’ll find everything you need for a couple of days in there. I thought it would be best if you picked up the rest of your things when the boys are at school.”

She wanted me to take
all
of my things? Damn. That couldn’t be good. “Mac, we don’t have to go through with this,” I said, gripping her hand as panic tore through me. “Just because we told the boys we’re separating doesn’t mean—”

“We have to do this,” she whispered, squeezing my hand. “I can’t go on like this. I’m not happy, and I know you aren’t either.”

I wasn’t happy. I missed the way it used to be, when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. But lately, I got the feeling my wife didn’t want me to touch her, let alone make love to her, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

“I don’t want a divorce.” I could barely spit out the word. It tasted vile and disgusting. “I still love you, Mackenzie. I live for you and those boys. You know that.”

Her smile was sad when she brushed her hand over the ever-present stubble on my jaw. “I know that. You’re a good man. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for my children. Maybe I’m being selfish, breaking up my family, but I can’t be a good mom to them if I’m not happy, Ryker. I’ve been sad, dissatisfied for so long. I need to figure out how to fix that. How to fix myself.”

I wanted to argue, to make her believe I would do anything to help her, but I knew it was too late. She’d already made up her mind, and I was on my way out.

“Where do we go from here?” I gripped her hands between mine, kissing them. “I don’t know how to do this. You’ve been a part of my life for so long. I can’t remember what it was like before. I don’t want to remember.”

“I know.” She eased down on her knees in front of me. “I know this will be hard for all of us. But maybe it’ll be a good thing. Maybe we’ll all be happier in the long run.”

“I won’t be.” I knew I could never be happy without her in my life.

She hugged me tight, holding me close. “You are the best man I’ve ever known, Ryker Steele. And you have given me the best things that have ever happened to me… Zane and Cole.”

“I feel the same way. I had no idea I could love so much until you made me a father.” I buried my face in her hair so she wouldn’t see my tears. I hadn’t cried in years, not since the birth of my sons. “They completed me.
You
completed me.” It was true. Without her, without them, something was missing, the very best part of myself.

“I hope you meant what you said to them, that we’d always be friends?”

She tried to pull away, but I couldn’t let her. “Of course. You’re my best friend, Mac. No matter what’s happened, that’s always been true.” She’d helped me through some of the darkest times of my life: when my mother died, when I almost lost the business during a recession, and when my best friend and right-hand man was killed in a motorcycle accident that made me question everything. She was the one who helped me up when I would have stayed down.

“I feel the same way.” She kissed my cheek, pulling away slowly when she felt my tears. Looking me in the eye, she brushed her palms over my cheeks. “Please don’t cry. You’ll make me cry.” Even as she said it, tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’m afraid if I start, I may never be able to stop.”

Funny, I felt exactly the same way. For the first time in a long time, we were totally in sync.

Mackenzie

“I don’t know why the hell I let you talk me into this,” I said, smoothing my palm over my stomach to settle the butterflies. “I’m not ready to date. It’s too soon.”

My best friend since our freshman year of high school, Molly, rolled her eyes at me in the full-length mirror. “Ryker moved out six months ago. You’ve been working your butt off, literally, since then. It’s time for you to get out there and show it off, girl.”

My friend was right. I had been working hard at the gym. Every day. Tirelessly. I’d had to hire a trainer since I had no idea how to lift weights, and he’d patiently helped me develop a routine that banished the bingo wings that had always made me too self-conscious to wear tank tops.

“How much weight have you lost now?” she asked, filing her nails. “Twenty-five, thirty pounds?”

“Twenty-eight, last time I checked.” Which had been yesterday. I had a love-hate relationship with the scale. I tried to keep it in the bathroom cabinet in the basement, but that didn’t prevent me from running downstairs buck naked every other day to check my progress.

“That dress is a size freakin’ four,” Molly said, clapping. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve never looked hotter.”

She was my best friend; she had to say that. But I had to admit, I did feel better about myself than I had in a really long time.

“Um, Mac, I have to tell you something, and I’m not sure how you’re going to take it.”

I swung around to face her, knowing the news she was about to impart would be bad. I could always tell by the tone of her voice. “What is it?”

“I saw Ryker out for dinner with another woman last weekend.” She held her breath, waiting for me to say something. When I didn’t, she rushed on. “That’s why I was on you about going out with this guy I work with. Why the hell should your ex be out with some blond bombshell while you’re sitting at home, wasting the best years of your life?”

“Blond bombshell?” I whispered, touching my freshly highlighted hair. I thought the hairdresser went a little heavy on the light-blond highlights “to freshen up my look,” she said. Now I suspected she’d made the right call. Ryker always said he didn’t think my ash-blond hair made me look mousy, but now I had to wonder if he’d been trying to spare my feelings.

“Did they look close?” I could barely get the words out of my dry throat.

“Who knows?” Molly picked an invisible piece of lint off her black jeans. “You know Ryker. He’s not into public displays of affection. But she was definitely into him.”

“Was she…?” I knew I shouldn’t torture myself this way. My life coach, who’d become like a surrogate mother to me since I split from Ryker, told me I had to focus less on his life and more on mine. But that was easier said than done since our lives had been intertwined for so many years. “Gorgeous?”

Molly wrinkled her nose, a clear sign she didn’t want to answer. “Depends on your definition of gorgeous, I guess. Personally, I thought she was too made up, definitely trying too hard to impress him.”