New Beginnings (110 page)

“If I have my way, we never will be.” He leaned in closer, treating me to a whiff of that spicy cologne he always put on when he got out of the shower. “You’re not the only one who’s changed in the past six months, Mac. I have too.”

“How?” I knew if I was capable of change, so was Ryker. But I still hadn’t seen any evidence of it, so I was skeptical.

According to the boys, he still worked hard, drove too fast, watched sports with them, and holed up in his garage to tinker with his motorcycles while they talked on the phone or did homework. Sounded like the same old Ryker to me.

“I’ve never been clearer about what I want and what I don’t want.”

“Okay.” I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I was scared too. It would be too easy to fall in love with Ryker all over again, to believe that we’d changed and could finally have our happily ever after, only to be disappointed when I realized nothing had changed.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

I knew we’d had a nice, comfortable life together. Home-cooked meals every night, the kids’ sporting events on weekends, TV in the evenings. But it wasn’t enough for me anymore.

I wanted a man who kissed me passionately, who complimented me once in a while and didn’t roll his eyes when I suggested going to a concert or taking an impromptu vacation. I wanted hot sex before I got too old to remember what hot sex felt like.

I wanted to feel alive again, like I wasn’t just going through the motions but was really living and breathing and loving and laughing and sharing my life with my soul mate. That was the real problem. I wasn’t sure if Ryker was my soul mate anymore.

“Being alone isn’t easy,” I agreed. “But you’ll get used to it.”

“I don’t want to get used to it. I want to be with you and the kids.”

It was difficult to tell which Ryker missed more: being my husband, my lover, or a full-time dad to his kids. I knew I had to figure that out before I decided whether my marriage was worth saving. I didn’t want to be one of those couples who stayed together for the sake of their kids, and maybe that made me selfish. But I wanted to be one of those couples who loved each other so much they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, the way it had been for us when the boys were small.

“I want my life back, Mac. I loved our life together.”

“What did you love about it?” I could tell the question caught him off guard, but we needed to be able to step out of bounds and learn to communicate in a way we never had before.

“What do you mean?” He set a hand behind my head, and I couldn’t help being fascinated by the play of hard muscle. “I loved everything about it.”

“Be honest,” I said, hoping we could have this conversation without one or both of us getting our feelings hurt. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but I couldn’t continue lying to myself either. “I’m sure there were things you loved about our life together, but there must have been a lot of things you didn’t like too.”

I set my wine glass aside. Even though I’d only had a couple of glasses, I wanted to be clear-headed for this conversation so I wouldn’t forget a single word in the morning.

“I liked the way you could always make me laugh,” he said with a smile as he set his calloused hand on my knee. “I liked knowing you’d always be there for me, no matter what.”

I knew he’d meant it as a compliment, but it felt like he’d been taking me for granted. But I couldn’t blame him entirely. I knew I’d taken him for granted too. This wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t my fault. It was our fault, and we needed to figure out how to fix it. Together. If that was even possible.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asked, combing his fingers through my hair and settling his large hand on the back of my neck.

“No. Go on.” I closed my eyes when he began to knead the tense muscles in the back of my neck. I’d been hungry for his touch for such a long time. It was hard not to react after so much time without it.

“I liked those sounds you made when I kissed your neck.” He inched closer, and my breath hitched.

“Ryker.”

I set my hands on his shoulders, hoping it would serve as a silent warning that we couldn’t let this go any further. It would be wonderful to fall back into bed with him, to make love the way we used to, but he would think that meant we were getting back together, and I was nowhere near ready for that. I didn’t know if I ever would be.

He dipped his head, inhaling my perfume. “I liked the way it felt when you wrapped your legs around my waist and…” He reached for the tie on my dress, and I had to grasp his wrist to stop him. “Wouldn’t let me go.” His eyes collided with mine as he whispered, “Do you remember that, when you never wanted to let me go?”

“Yes.” His skin was bare and smooth and warm, reminding me of how safe I’d felt in his strong arms. They were around me now, not holding me tight, just barricading me so I couldn’t run.

“Do you remember those nights?” His lips skimmed my neck, and I felt a rush of heat between my legs. “When we’d make love again and again and again?”

“Yes.” I wasn’t capable of more than one-word answers when he looked at me like that, conjuring up memories I’d never been able to forget.

“When I’d walk in the door and take you right there against the wall ’cause we couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom?”

That had been before the boys were born and we got preoccupied with being parents. “I remember.” His lips brushed across mine, and just that brief touch seared me. I was still gripping his shoulders, but instead of trying to hold him at bay, I was bringing him closer.

“Remember how hot it was when we were trying to get pregnant?”

The first time had taken some
work
, but the second time was a happy accident.

“God, I couldn’t get enough of you.” His hands were wrapped around my waist as his lips trailed over my cheek, scraping me with his ever-present stubble. “I was dying to see you pregnant with my baby.”

I shivered at the intimacy of his words. When I’d shared the news with him that I was pregnant, he made love to me so tenderly, kissing every inch of my body reverently, as though I’d given him the greatest gift he’d ever received.

A tear slipped down my cheek as I remembered being in that hospital bed with him by my side as I brought our son into the world. He’d been the first one to hold him since I’d had some minor complications and the medical team had to tend to me. I’d never forget the look on his face as long as I lived.

This big, tough biker, tattoos decorating his massive biceps, who’d been in and out of jail as a youth and had been in more barroom brawls than either of us could count, had cried at the sight of his newborn son. He’d rested his forehead against Zane’s, and the tears fell on our tiny son’s perfect little face. Their blue eyes locked while Ryker told Zane how much he loved him and how long he’d been waiting to meet him.

I fell in love with him all over again that day.

“Hey,” he said, brushing away my tears. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“You didn’t,” I said, sniffling. “I was just thinking about the day Zane was born and the way you’d reacted.”

He sat back, swiping a hand over his face. His voice was husky, filled with emotion when he said, “People talk about how a baby changes you, but you have no idea until it happens. I took one look at him, and I knew my life would never be the same.” He kissed my hand, his eyes capturing mine. “And it hasn’t been, Mac. Those kids you gave me, they changed me in the best possible way. I wanted to be a better man because of them. They made me want to work hard, to make something of myself, so they could be proud of me.”

“They are proud of you,” I assured him.

They were always bragging to their friends about how cool their dad was. He was the one who’d take a big group of them to a ball game or toss the football with them in the backyard. He was the one they talked to about girls because they knew Ryker had seen it and done it all and wouldn’t judge them or reprimand them for making mistakes.

“I wanted to be the kind of dad I always wanted to have.”

Ryker had grown up in an abusive home with a father who couldn’t hold a steady job and took his unemployment out on Ryker and his five younger brothers. His father drank too much, cheated on his wife, and had his whole family walking on eggshells most of the time. They’d been homeless more than once, stayed with family and friends, lived in cars, and in shelters. That’s why he’d gravitated toward motorcycle gangs as a teen, because he was desperate to belong somewhere, to someone.

“I wanted my kids to have a stable home, go to a nice school, and have all the things their friends had.” He stared out the window, though it was too dark to see anything. “I didn’t want them to be embarrassed of me.”

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, to tell him he could never embarrass our kids, but I couldn’t speak. I was afraid it would come out as pity, and I knew Ryker hated to be pitied.

“When we moved into that swanky neighborhood, I’d see all the other guys going to work in their shiny sedans, wearing expensive suits, briefcase in hand. And I felt like I didn’t belong. They’d all gone to these private schools, graduated with their fancy degrees, and I barely made it out of high school.”

I let him talk without trying to interrupt because he’d never said these things to me before. I had no idea he’d felt inferior while trying to give us the life he felt we deserved.

“I didn’t want Zane and Cole to compare me to them and feel like they’d somehow got the short end of the stick.”

“How could you think that?” I whispered, running my hand over his hair the way I’d done a thousand times before when I was trying to comfort him or just let him know I cared. “Those boys idolize you, Ryker. They always have.”

He gave me that half-smile that always made my stomach flip-flop. “They idolize me because I gave them reason to. I set a goal and worked my ass off to achieve it because those kids deserved a father they could look up to. Not someone who would make them feel ashamed of where they’d come from. I was determined to give them that. I didn’t think about the cost.”

I hesitated before skimming my hand over his face. “I’ve always admired your ambition. If you think that was the reason our marriage fell apart, it wasn’t.”

“I hope not.” He grabbed my hand, trailing it down his chest until it rested over his heart. “I haven’t figured out how to fix this yet, Mac. But I will. I swear to you, I will.”

Ryker

It was three in the morning. We’d been talking for hours, but I hadn’t tried to touch her again. I knew if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop, and I wasn’t stupid enough to believe sex could solve our problems. We needed to dig deeper, get to know each other all over again. Say things we’d been too afraid to say before.

“You should just crash here tonight,” I said when Mac tried to hide a yawn behind her hand. “I’ve got four bedrooms.”

“I wouldn’t want to give the boys the wrong idea if they woke up in the morning and found me here.”

I knew she was right. Our kids wanted us back together; they’d made no secret of that, and it wasn’t fair to give them hope until we knew for sure we were back on the right track. “So we’ll tell them you got here late and I invited you to stay in the guest room.”

Instead of responding to the invite, she said, “That key thing, did you put them up to that just to get me over here?”

I chuckled. “No, I didn’t know anything about it. They came up with that all on their own.”

“And they just happened to be in bed when I got here?” She smiled. “At home, it takes forever to get them to turn the lights out.”

It usually did at my place too. They were always up late playing video games, watching TV, or talking to friends on the phone, but tonight they’d yelled through the bathroom door while I was in the shower to let me know they were tired and planned to hit the sack early. Oh, and their mom was stopping by to drop the house key off on her way home.

They wouldn’t get an A for subtlety, but I had to thank them for giving us this time together. It had been a long time since I’d felt so close to Mac.

“You can’t blame them for wanting their parents back together. Splitting their time between us has gotta be rough on them.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I hate putting them through this.”

“Hey,” I said, nudging her shoulder with mine. “You have nothing to be sorry for, you know. You have a right to be happy, and if I wasn’t making you happy anymore, you did the right thing, speaking up about it.”

“I can’t help but feel selfish,” she said, resting her head against my shoulder. “I’m putting my needs above what’s best for my kids. What kind of mother does that?”

I hated to hear her berate herself, especially since Zane and Cole couldn’t have asked for a more committed mom. She attended every sporting event, volunteered at their school, served on the P.T.A., baked cookies for bake sales, chaperoned their dances, and had even coached some of their teams when they were younger.

“You’re an amazing mom,” I said, my voice harsh. “And don’t ever let me hear you question that again.”

“Have they said anything to you about me?” she asked. “Do they hate me for kicking you out?”

“No. Why? Have they been giving you a hard time about it? If they have—”

“No.” She wrapped her hand around my arm, as though she craved the closeness as much as I did. “We just haven’t been as close. They don’t seem to want to talk to me anymore, and I know that’s because they blame me for breaking up our family. How could they not, right? I was the one who asked you to move out.”

As much as I wanted to move back home, I didn’t want her to take me back for the kids’ sake. I wanted her to want me back, in her bed, as her husband and best friend.

“We’re not the first couple to need a breather. The kids will understand that when they get a little older.”

“You really believe that’s all this is?” she asked, looking up at me. “A breather?”

“Don’t you?”

I couldn’t deny there were days when my hope waned. When weeks turned into months, I’d begun to wonder whether my wife would ever ask me to come back home, but I believed we’d made real progress tonight, and I was determined to build on that.