New Beginnings (111 page)

“It hasn’t been easy without you,” she admitted. “There were so many times, late at night, when I couldn’t sleep and I wished you were there.”

“You could have called, any time, day or night. You know that.”

“I know.” She nudged my foot with hers. “So, your brothers must hate me, huh?”

My younger brothers loved Mackenzie. When they heard she’d kicked me out, they asked what I’d done to deserve it. “You know they could never hate you. They blame me.”

“That’s not fair, Ryker. It takes two people to make a marriage work and two people to let it fall apart. I’m as responsible for the breakdown of our marriage as you are.”

“Does it really matter who’s responsible?” I asked, glancing at her. She looked so beautiful I just wanted to press her back into the cushions and kiss her until she forgot all the reasons she’d asked me to leave. “The only thing that matters is that we fix this, Mac.”

“But how do we do that?” she asked. “Therapy?”

I hated the idea of spilling my guts to a stranger, but I would do anything to save my marriage. “If you think it’ll help, I’m game.”

“I don’t know,” she said, crossing her arms as she sat upright. “Is it too late to fix it? Have we drifted too far apart?”

“It’s only too late if you’ve stopped loving me.” I only wanted her back if she could say she loved me as much now as she did the day we got married.

“When I asked you to leave, I can honestly say I wasn’t sure how I felt. But now? I don’t know that I’ll ever stop loving you, Ryker.”

I exhaled slowly, saying a silent prayer of thanks that we weren’t too lost to find our way back.

“You’ll always have a piece of my heart.”

I sensed some hesitancy in her voice, making my stomach twist painfully in anticipation of what she was going to say next. “But…?”

“But I can’t go back to the way things were. Ever. I hate how disconnected we were in the end. It was like sharing a bed with a stranger instead of my best friend. It wasn’t just the lack of intimacy that got to me, it was the distance. It felt there was a gulf between us that grew wider every day.”

I wish I could claim ignorance, but I’d felt it too. I just wasn’t brave enough to acknowledge it. I feared if we admitted it, we would have to confess the reasons behind it. My biggest fear was that she would tell me she just didn’t love me anymore. I knew I could never come back from something like that. Losing her was bad enough. Losing her love would destroy me.

“So we work on rebuilding,” I said, thinking it was the most logical option.

“How do we do that?”

“We get to know each other all over again.”

She smiled. “You know me better than anyone, Ryker.”

“I want to get to know the new you.” I meant it. I wanted to know everything about her new life, so I could figure out how to fit into it. “I know you’re not the same woman you were when I left. It’s obvious just by looking at you. It’s like you’re alive again, and I love seeing you this way.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, touching my arm. “That means a lot.”

“You mean a lot to me, Mac. That’s why I’m willing to start all over again. I’m in no hurry for us to get back together.” Though every night without her seemed longer than the last. “I’m more interested in fixing what was wrong and figuring out what works.”

She opened and closed her mouth before asking, “You really think we can do that, start all over again?”

“We could try.” I knew it would work. It had to. “If you’re willing.”

“What would that entail?”

“Spending time together, just the two of us, talking on the phone, going out for dinner once in a while, maybe to a movie. If things progress the way I hope they will, maybe away for the weekend. Up to the cottage?” We used to love spending time there during summer vacations, but I hadn’t been there since Mac and I split, and the boys told me she hadn’t taken them either.

She laughed. “It sounds like you’re asking me to date you.”

“I guess I am.”

She sat up straight, turning to face me. “You’re serious about this?”

“Why not?” I asked, shrugging. “What better way to figure out whether we’re still compatible?” Truth be told, I was looking forward to wining and dining my gorgeous wife again.

“If we decide to do this,” she said, biting her lip, “we should set some ground rules.”

“Agreed.” I knew the first one I wanted to propose. “Neither one of us dates anyone else. If we really want this to work, we both have to be fully committed.”

“An exclusive relationship, hmm?” she asked, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “I think I can agree to that. How about sex?”

Just hearing her say that word stirred me up. “Let’s play that by ear. If we want to, we will, but not until we’re both ready.”

“Okay.”

“I have one more.” I reached for her hand. “You can say no if you want to…” I was almost afraid to ask, given the incredible progress we’d already made tonight. “But I would really love to see those rings back on your finger. We’re still married, and I want…” I hated sounding jealous and petty, but if we were going to rebuild our relationship on a foundation of honesty and trust, I had to tell her the truth. “I want other men to know you’re not available.”

Her eyes drifted to my wedding band, and she nodded. “That seems fair.”

“What do you want to tell the boys?” I was excited about being back on the right track with my wife, and I didn’t want to overstep and piss her off. “They’ll obviously know that we’re going out together and talking more.”

“Why don’t we wait a while before we say anything, until we’re sure that we’re getting back together?”

“Sounds good to me.” Still, I could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces when they found out there was a good chance of reuniting their family.

“Do we have any rules about kissing?” Her cheeks colored slightly as her gaze roved over my bare chest. “Because I’m not gonna lie, kissing you was one of my absolute favorite things, and I’ve missed it. A lot.”

In one forward motion, she was in my arms. She wound her arms around me, her hands drifting up my spine. Her gentle touch sent a jolt through my entire body, reminding me it had never felt like this with anyone else. I took my time, my tongue tracing the soft fullness of her lips before exploring further.

She moaned, lacing her hands through my hair, intent on drawing me closer as she reclined on the cushions. “Ah, Ryker.”

I moved my mouth with hers in perfect tandem, giving, taking, devouring her softness. The kiss quickly escalated to hungry and demanding. I didn’t even realize I’d reached for the zipper of her dress until I felt her hand curl around my wrist to stop me.

I tore my lips from hers, breathing heavily, my heart pounding as I buried my face in her neck. “Sorry, baby. It’s just been so long, and you taste so good. You feel so good.” My hands were roving her body now, cupping her breast, even as my mind was screaming at me to slow down before I ruined everything.

“I know.” She curled her legs around mine. “But, Ryk, we have to stop now,” she said, panting. “It’s too soon. Sex will only complicate things now.”

“I know.” I forced my hand lower, needing to touch her but not so intimately. “You’re right.” My lips were still rubbing against her neck. I couldn’t tear myself away no matter how hard I tried. God, touching her, kissing her, had been a bad idea. I didn’t want to stop now. My body was telling me this felt right. She was my wife; I belonged inside her, but my conscience reminded me I had to earn that privilege back because I’d taken it for granted for so many years.

“I want you,” she whispered in my ear. “You have to know how much I want you.”

I shuddered, just imagining what it would feel like to sink inside her after so many months without her. “You’ll have me,” I vowed, “when the time is right.” We held each other close, reminding me how much I missed just being held by her. It made me feel loved, as though I belonged to somebody.

I forced myself to break free, to put some much needed distance between us. “We should go to bed,” I whispered in her ear. “Because I don’t know how much longer I can lie here with you without making love to you.”

“You’re right,” she said, smiling against my neck. “Show me to my room.”

I helped her up and held her hand as we walked quietly down the hall toward the bedroom. I stopped at the door to my room. “Just let me grab you something to wear to bed.” She stood in the doorway, watching me rifle through the drawers until I came up with a black T-shirt that bore my company logo with Steele Custom Choppers in fancy script.

“Those drawers are a mess,” she said, grinning. “Maybe I should organize them for you tomorrow.”

I handed her the shirt before cupping her face in my palm. “Did I ever thank you for taking such good care of me?”

She seemed taken aback by the compliment but smiled. “It was my pleasure. I loved taking care of you.”

She was not only an amazing cook, but the house was always immaculate, right down to the fresh flowers on the kitchen table every week and fruit piled high in a crystal bowl on the island. I’d taken those little things for granted, including the neatly folded clothes in the drawers, dry cleaning hanging in my closet, and a new bottle of shaving cream tucked in the bathroom cabinet every time she noticed I was running low. It was all the little things I’d never said thank you for throughout the years that made her think I didn’t notice or appreciate her anymore, that made her think I could live without her.

“I miss everything about our life together, Mac. Everything.”

She smiled as she reached up on her toes to kiss me. “You’re not the only one. I miss it too.”

I held her tight, wishing I didn’t have to sleep alone tonight. It would be torture, knowing she was just down the hall and I couldn’t go to her. But I supposed it was better than knowing she was across town, sleeping in the bed we used to share.

“Let me grab you a robe,” I said, kissing her cheek. “You’ll probably want to put something else on before you come to breakfast.”

She giggled as she held up the T-shirt. “You wear an extra-large. This is more of a dress for me.”

I smiled, thinking how great it would be to see her in my shirt again, her hair mussed, and her eyes bleary from sleep. My body responded just thinking about how sexy she would look.

I snagged a black terry robe off the hook in my walk-in closet before sneaking into the bathroom to grab her an extra toothbrush and tube of toothpaste.

She looked at the items as I handed them to her, and I knew she wanted to ask if I’d bought them for unexpected overnight guests.

“I bought them for when I travel,” I said, grabbing the back of her neck and drawing her face close to mine so I could kiss her forehead. “You know I have a thing against packing my toothbrush in my toiletries bag and those damn caps always fall off.”

She chuckled. “I remember. My germaphobe.”

It felt so good to hear her call me hers again, in any context.

“You really think the boys are going to believe nothing happened between us if I come out of the bedroom wearing your T-shirt and robe?” she asked, holding up the garments.

“As long as you’re not coming out of my bedroom, yeah.” I slung an arm around her shoulders and led her down the hall. “Here we are.” I was dying to kiss her again, but I didn’t trust myself, especially with a bed a few feet away. “This bedroom has its own bath,” I said, keeping my voice low so as not to wake Cole and Zane. “You’ll find anything else you might need in the bathroom cabinet. I keep extras on hand in case the boys forget anything. There are clean towels in the linen closet. That’s inside the walk-in closet.”

She looked into the room, taking in the queen-sized bed with matching nightstands and dresser with mirror. The room had been recently painted taupe, with a chocolate-brown duvet and striped drapes. It was simple but functional.

“This is a nice home, Ryker.”

“This isn’t my home, baby,” I whispered in her ear. “My home is with you. This is just a house.”

Mackenzie

I woke up the next morning to the sound of male voices punctuated with laughter. My favorite sound. But when coupled with the smell of bacon and coffee, I was in heaven.

I looked around the room, taking in the neutrality. Much like the rest of the house, it was functional. The furniture was expensive, but it looked transitional somehow, as though Ryker had bought it hoping he would only need it temporarily.

I still couldn’t believe I was waking up in Ryker’s house. If someone had told me this would be happening twenty-four hours ago, I would have thought they were crazy. But there I was. Feeling better about the future than I had in a really long time. After my talk with my husband last night, I felt like we were finally reading from the same page again, committing to our future in a new, and hopefully better, way.

I considered whether to put my dress back on, but knowing my boys, they would tease me about doing the dreaded walk of shame in last night’s clothes. So I put Ryker’s robe on, taking a moment to bury my nose in the collar.
Very Sexual
. That was the name of the cologne he favored, and coupled with Ryker’s natural scent, it was intoxicating.

The sound of Cole’s laughter pulled me out of my inappropriate fantasies as I made my way to the adjoining bathroom to take care of business. I finger-combed my hair since I didn’t want to make it look like I’d taken too much time to primp. Pinching my cheeks to add a little color, I rolled my eyes at my own reflection. It had been years since I’d taken the time to try to impress Ryker in the morning. Maybe that was part of the problem. I’d become complacent and stopped trying to appeal to him.

Considering that possibility as I made my way down the hall, I paused at the entrance to the large open-concept kitchen/living area. Ryker had his back to me. He was flipping pancakes at the stove, but just the sight of him preparing breakfast for our kids again stirred a deep longing in me, reminding me how much I’d missed our family breakfasts.

“Hey, Mom,” Zane said when he spotted me. “Dad said you crashed here last night. Thanks for bringing the key by.”