New Beginnings (115 page)

“Is it because I rocked your world?” he whispered, his voice husky. “Made you forget that loser you were dating?”

It was true he couldn’t have been more different from my high school boyfriend. Jared was sweet and kind while Ryker was tough and dangerous. I’d always been the girl who played by the rules, but Ryker barrelled into my life and taught me how much fun it could be to live dangerously once in a while.

“Do you remember our first time?” I asked, letting that night play out like a movie on the big screen. I still remembered every detail, from the smells to the sounds to the clothes we were both wearing.

“Like it was yesterday.” His lips floated over my cheek, across my jaw, to my ear.

“Really?” I set my elbows on the stone surround behind me, trusting him to support me. “I thought only women held on to sentimental memories like that.”

“How could I not remember the night that changed my life?”

His words made me shiver, reminding me how defenseless I was when he turned on the charm.

“You told me you loved me that night. That’s when I knew I could never let you go.” I’d known weeks before that Ryker was the man for me, but I tried fighting it, knowing my future with him would be anything but safe and sedate. “That night resulted in a pregnancy scare, remember?”

“I wasn’t scared.” He looked into my eyes. “Would you be mad if I admitted I was kind of hoping you were pregnant?”

I licked my lips, drawing a soft moan from him as he tilted his hips forward. “Why?”

“I knew a child would connect us for life.”

“And our kids have done that, haven’t they?”

He shifted, setting me on a built-in bench in the shallow end. “Let me ask you something.”

“Sure.” The pensive expression coupled with his slight grimace made me hold my breath in anticipation. “What is it?”

“Would you have filed for divorce by now if not for the boys?”

Wow. Didn’t see that question coming. “It’s difficult to say. Would you be as determined to work through our problems if we didn’t have kids?”

“Yes.”

I set my palm against his chest, a slow smile spreading across my lips. “You sound pretty sure of yourself.”

“I don’t love you because you’re the mother of my kids, Mac. I love you because you’re you.”

When he said things like that, I wondered how we’d ever lost our way in the first place.
This
was the man I loved. My best friend. My soul mate.

We broke apart when we heard Cole and Zane traipsing through the kitchen, calling for us.

“Out here!” Ryker shouted. “In the pool!”

“Oh, hey.” Zane grinned when he spotted us. “What are you guys doing?”

I could feel the heat sear my cheeks at the sight of Cole’s knowing smile. They weren’t little kids anymore. They knew exactly what we’d been doing. “Just going for a dip,” I said. “It’s hot out here. You guys want to join?” I figured the invitation would make it seem innocent enough.

“No,” Cole said. “We’re hungry. What’s for dinner?”

Ryker laughed. “You guys are always hungry.”

“That’s one of the perils of having two teenage boys in the house, isn’t it?” I asked, smiling at him. “Frequent trips to the grocery store.”

“You know it,” he replied. “Hey, Cole, grab us a couple of towels from the pool house, would you?”

“Sure.”

“Um, I was planning on grilling steaks,” I said, daring a sidelong glance at Ryker. “You’re welcome to stay if you don’t have any plans.”

“You have to stay,” Zane said, folding his hands under his chin. “Please, Dad. Mom chars everything.”

“I do not,” I said, stepping out of the pool when Cole returned with the towels. “Tell him, Cole.”

“Uh, Mom, no offense, but steak isn’t supposed to have that black crust on it.”

I tried flicking my son with the towel he’d brought for Ryker, but he grabbed it and got me good, prompting me to squeal and run in the opposite direction.

“No running around the pool,” Ryker said, grabbing the towel from Cole before he could zing me with it again. “You two know the rules.” He chuckled while wrapping the towel around his waist. “I guess I’ll have to stay to save you all from another grilling disaster.”

I glared at him, hands on my hips. “That’s not fair! You haven’t even tasted my steaks.”

“And with any luck, I won’t have to,” he said, grinning.

I grabbed the bottles we’d abandoned earlier and handed the beer to him, but not before I pretended to consider throwing it at him. “You suck, Ryk.”

His lips twitched, letting me know the only thing saving me from a naughty response was the presence of our sons.

“Call us when dinner’s ready,” Zane said. “We’re gonna shoot some hoops.”

I knew that was their not-so-subtle way of giving us some time alone. As much as I loved our family time, I was happy to have Ryker all to myself for a while. “Shall we go inside?” I asked. “I’ll prep the salad while you season the steaks.”

“Just like old times,” he said, reaching for a lock of my wet hair. He curled it around his finger while drawing me closer. “God, I missed just hanging out with you and the kids like this.”

“We’ve missed it too,” I said, slipping my arms around his waist.

Ryker

The laughter and teasing floated around me, making me smile. It wasn’t until I realized I’d have to leave soon, that I wouldn’t be curling up on the couch to watch some chick flick with Mac or pulling her close in the middle of the night while we slept, that my mood took a nosedive. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay here, with
my
family, in
my
home, where I belonged.

“You’re quiet all of a sudden,” Mac said softly while the boys argued about some girl who’d just started dating the quarterback at their private school. “Something wrong?”

Things were better than they’d been in six long months. I knew I had no reason to complain, but there was still a heavy weight weighing me down. The weight of uncertainty. “This is nice,” I said, trying to focus on the positive. “Thanks for inviting me.”

She gestured to the small piece of meat left on her plate. “Thank you for saving us all from charred meat.”

I laughed. “How many times have I told you eating a good steak well-done is a sin?”

“You’re right,” she said with a heavy sigh. “I have to admit it’s much better this way.”

Zane pulled his phone out of his pocket as soon as it rang. “Uh, I have to take this.”

We usually frowned on cell phones at the dinner table, but we’d agreed to be a little more lax about the rules tonight while we all tried to figure out our new roles in this new family dynamic.

“May I be excused too?” Cole asked. “There’s someone I need to call back.”

“Sure,” I said, without thinking to consult Mac. A quick nod told me she’d appreciate the alone time as much as I would.

“What are you thinking?” she asked, covering my hand with hers as she sat back in the wrought-iron chair.

“Just thinking there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I used to take dinners like this for granted.” I cleared my throat before reaching for my bottled water. “There’re a lot of things I used to take for granted. I won’t make that mistake again, Mac.” I wanted her to know, without a doubt, that things would be different if she let me come home.

She squeezed my hand before withdrawing hers. “I think this experience has taught us both some valuable lessons.”

I wanted to hear more about her life since I’d left. “This life coach of yours, she’s helped you to redefine things?” She still hadn’t told me about her plans to get her real estate license, and I wanted that to be something she felt free to discuss with me before she made any definite decisions. It’s not that I felt I had the right to weigh in, but I wanted to nonetheless.

“She really has.”

“Tell me.”

Her smile told me she was pleased that I was interested in learning more about her plans. “Well, when you left, I felt kind of lost. I knew I needed to make some changes, but I didn’t know where to begin.”

I could understand her dilemma. The kids had always been her primary focus. Now they were getting older and didn’t need her as much, which left her with a lot more time on her hands. “So, where did you start?” I asked, shifting the chair back.

“Well, she emailed me a lot of questionnaires at first. She wanted to establish where I was, where I wanted to go, what I hoped to achieve as a result of working with her.”

“What did you hope to achieve?”

“I wanted to find myself again.” She shook her head. “That sounds really cliché, but it’s true. I got so busy taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of my own needs. I didn’t really have any hobbies. All of my free time was spent volunteering, which I still love, but I came to the realization that I couldn’t be of value to anyone else until I learned to really value myself.”

“That makes sense.”

She traced her fingertip over the pattern in the outdoor table cloth. “So I started to ask myself some tough questions, things I hadn’t thought about since college.”

“Such as?”

“I narrowed down the things I like.” She smiled. “I even had a few sessions with a career counsellor so we could do some aptitude and assessment tests.”

“Wow, you have been busy, haven’t you?” I admired her for finding the courage to dig deeper and try to find her passion. I was surrounded by people who were just going through the motions, and I didn’t want that for the woman I loved.

“I have.” She nodded. “It’s important for me to figure out what I’m good at, what I’m meant to do.”

It was so easy for me to identify her strengths. I could rhyme them off without thinking twice, but I could understand why it was important for her to uncover them on her own after some serious soul-searching. “So, what did you figure out?”

“I like working with people,” she said, smiling. “I like helping people.”

“Right.”

“I need something where I can set my own hours because my family will always be my first priority.”

I knew that, but it was nice to hear her confirm it.

“I had so much fun when we were looking for this house and the cottage. You hated it when I dragged you from one open house to another, but I loved it. Remember?”

“How could I forget?” I teased, rolling my eyes. “I think we saw a hundred houses before we finally settled on this one.”

“I just wanted to be sure,” she said, pouting. “Deciding where to raise your family is an important decision, and I wanted to make sure we wouldn’t regret it.”

I looked around the several acres of land that now felt sacred to me. I remembered when the trees we planted were just a few feet tall. Now they were over twenty feet. I used to complain the landscaping looked sparse during the first couple of years, despite the fact we’d paid a fortune for it. Now it looked lush and full, just like the horticulturist promised it would. We put the pool in the summer before the boys turned seven and eight because Mac swore she would go crazy without something to occupy them over school break.

“I don’t regret buying this place for a minute. To tell you the truth, I miss it every damn day.” I didn’t have to tell her it was the people I missed more than the land and bricks with mortar. She knew. “This was the only real home I’ve ever had.”

We moved out of the little apartment we’d shared when we found out Mac was pregnant. She wanted a backyard for our child, where he could toss a ball and have a pet if he wanted one. We did get that pet. A chocolate Lab named Lyla. She died last year and took a little piece of our hearts with her.

“You ever think about getting another dog?” I asked, sensing she would appreciate a lighter topic.

“I don’t know.” She took a sip of the wine we’d opened with dinner. “The boys are getting older now and dogs are a big commitment, especially if I’m not going to be home during the day.”

I knew it was the perfect opening for me to ask whether she was serious about going to work for Baxter, but we’d had such a good time reconnecting, I didn’t want to spoil it by putting her on the defensive.

“Remember, we said we’d get one dog the boys could grow up with?”

“Yeah, but we didn’t plan on another because we wanted to travel when the kids went away to college.”

“There were so many places we wanted to visit,” she said, sighing. “So many things we never got to do.”

“It’s not too late,” I said, hoping I wasn’t overstepping. “We’ll still be young enough to go anywhere, do anything, when Zane and Cole leave home.”

“I don’t want to think about what that will be like, when they leave home,” she said, flattening her hand over her stomach.

She’d slipped a short, black terry cover-up with a front zip over her swimsuit, but the zipper wasn’t doing its job. It was still low enough to distract me from conversation.

“I’ll miss them like crazy.”

“You still have a few years before you have to worry about that,” I reminded her, reaching for my bottled water. Knowing I had to drive home, I’d stopped after two drinks. “Besides, it sounds like you’re developing a lot of new interests. That should keep you busy.” I didn’t want her to think I didn’t support her choices, so I added, “That’s a good thing. It’s good to be busy.”

“You ever think you’ll slow down?” she asked. “You used to talk about putting in the time now, building it to the point where your brother could run it, and retiring early. Is that still the plan?”

“I thought about doing that so I could travel with you,” I reminded her. “I guess it’ll just depend on what happens with us.” I wanted to remain positive, to let her know that I was committed to saving our marriage, but I didn’t want her to think I was taking anything for granted. I’d made that mistake before. I wouldn’t do it again.

“Would you like some coffee?”

I was surprised by the abrupt change in conversation but didn’t let on. “Uh sure, that’d be great. Thanks.”

While Mac was in the kitchen, I responded to a few emails and deleted a text from the bartender I’d gone out with. I knew I’d have to face her eventually, if only to tell her I didn’t want to see her again. It wasn’t fair to leave her hanging after I’d promised to call. I didn’t want to be one of those guys, even though I knew she wasn’t the woman for me.