New Beginnings (117 page)

“Your first and last date?” Barbara asked, laughing. “I don’t understand. Was it so bad you’ve sworn off men?”

“All except for one.” Barbara knew the story of Mac and Ryker almost as well as I did. She knew the reasons I’d asked him to move out and the fact that I was still struggling with my feelings for him. “Ryker.”

“You’ve spent time with Ryker?” she asked, sounding surprised. “How did that happen?” I relayed the story about the key and our late-night chat at his place before she said, “It sounds like your sons want their parents back together, which isn’t surprising, but the question is, what do you want, Mac?”

We’d spent a lot of time over the past six months trying to uncover what I wanted and what was holding me back. I could understand her concern about me reverting to old patterns for the sake of safety and security. “I never wanted to get a divorce.” Which was code for
I’m afraid to be alone.
Even though Ryker had moved out, I still didn’t feel it was over. I believed as long as we hadn’t filed papers and he still had some clothes hanging in the closet, there was a good chance he was coming back.

“No one wants a divorce,” Barbara said gently. “But sometimes it’s for the best.”

“Sometimes it is,” I concurred. “But I’m not convinced it’s the best thing for me and Ryker.” I knew I sounded defensive, but after the day I’d had, I felt I was justified in defending the one thing I still knew for sure. I loved my husband.

“Let’s come back to that,” Barbara suggested. “You have more news?”

“I’ve decided not to pursue the real estate thing.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

That was typical Barb. She didn’t offer her opinion. She just asked the questions that helped me find the answers on my own. “I met with some brokers like you suggested.” We’d talked about taking bold first steps. Barb claimed any goal could be achieved through measurable action steps, and my homework for the week was to meet with a few brokerages and decide whether any of them felt like a good fit for me.

“Obviously it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped?”

“I was basically told I was too nice, but not before the broker suggested the only way I would succeed is if I was willing to use Ryker’s name and contacts.” I sighed. “That’s not what I want. In fact, it would defeat the whole purpose. I want to do something important, something that’s meaningful to me. I just don’t know what that is anymore.”

I hated sounding so dejected and defeated, especially after we’d made such great progress over the past several months, but it was hard not to feel lost when I felt like I was right back where I started.

“I read the assessment you emailed me the other day.”

Barb liked her clients to complete reviews every few months to ensure they were making progress and felt her service was beneficial. I’d been on a high when I completed it, believing things were finally starting to fall into place. If I had to complete it now, I would likely respond very differently.

“I drew some interesting conclusions from it,” she said. “Things you may not have been aware of.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you have it handy?” Barb asked.

I reached for the folder containing all the documents pertaining to our sessions. She often requested that I complete homework and she liked me to keep a record of it so I could monitor my own progress. “Right here,” I said, pulling the stapled pages out of the file. My eyes scanned the document as I recalled the questions she’d asked and how I’d felt when I responded.

“Do you see a pattern there, Mac? Take your time. Read over it.”

Many of the questions pertained to my core values. I referenced my family a lot, as well as how important it was for me to give back and feel as though I was contributing something of value to the world. I wanted to feel needed and appreciated. Respected would be nice too.

“I see it, but I’m still not sure how that relates to my current dilemma. I need a job, and I can’t figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be doing with my life.”

“When we first started working together, you told me that gained a lot of satisfaction from volunteering at your sons’ school when they were younger, right?”

“Yes.”

“That made you feel like you were doing something important and your time was valuable?”

I thought of the dozens of causes I’d been a part of over the years. Everything from fundraisers to help families who’d fallen on hard times to coat and food drives. “Yeah, I felt a real sense of accomplishment being a part of a successful campaign, but it’s been a while since I’ve done anything like that. Most of it was through the boys’ school, and since they’re older now, we don’t really get as involved anymore.”

“Right,” Barbara said. “You were the one they would always call on to head up the committees or rally the troops.”

“Something like that.” I didn’t want to take too much credit. It was definitely a group effort, and I couldn’t have accomplished anything without a committed group of volunteers to help me.

“Were you happily married then?”

“Excuse me?” I wasn’t expecting the shift in conversation and didn’t understand how the two topics tied together.

“Were you happy with Ryker then? It’s a simple question.”

I thought back to whether I’d been satisfied in my marriage several years ago. “Yes, I guess I was.”

“Do you think that may be because you were happier with yourself?”

It was a valid question, one that would definitely require some more soul-searching. “Perhaps.”

“So, it seems you’re happy with your marriage when you’re happy with yourself. Is that fair to say?”

I suspected Barb had been working her way around to this for a long time now. But learning that I’d spent time with Ryker had given her the opening she needed. “I suppose so.” I was already much happier with myself in many ways. I felt better than I had in years. I had more energy and liked the reflection I saw in the mirror. That was a start.

“So what would make you happy?”

I wanted to tell her I was paying her to help me figure that out, but I knew that would be a cop-out. “Feeling as though my time is being well-spent. Going to bed at night with the knowledge that I accomplished what I intended to that day. Waking up in the morning excited about what lay ahead. Making decisions other than what to pack for lunch and make for dinner.”

Barbara laughed. “You want to feel as though you’re being challenged and stimulated again?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” she said, sounding excited. “Here’s your homework for the week. Do some research into local organizations that could use someone with your particular skill set. Also, determine which careers would align with your interests. You know what you love to do. Decide if any of those things could be a profitable business.”

“Okay, I’ll look into it.” At least I had a plan now. That made me feel better.

“Now, about Ryker. Where did you leave things with him?”

“We agreed to take things slow, spend more time together and see where things go. And we also agreed we wouldn’t date other people.”

“That’s probably wise,” Barb said. “It’s difficult, if not impossible, to rebuild a marriage when there are other people involved.”

I certainly didn’t want to think about him dating other people and I knew he felt the same way, so I felt good about our decision.

“Have you talked to Ryker about your interest in working outside the home?”

“Some.”

“Do you mind if I make a suggestion?”

“Of course not.” I appreciated the fact that Barb always asked permission before expressing her opinion, so as not to influence my decisions.

“Talk to Ryker. You said yourself he knows you better than anyone. He may be able to help you gain some clarity. Often the people who know us best are able to shine light on our strengths, even when we can’t see them for ourselves.”

I knew she was right. This was an important life decision, and I wanted to include my husband, to get his advice and feedback. The idea of talking to him about it made me smile, reminding me we were slowly learning how to communicate again, just like we’d done during the early years of our marriage when I was happier and more fulfilled than I’d ever been.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Good. If you need me before our next session, just fire off an email.”

“Will do, thanks, Barb.”

Ryker

I was surprised and a little nervous when Mac called and asked if we could meet for coffee. I didn’t want her to tell me that she was reconsidering our new arrangement.

When she walked into the crowded café, every man turned to stare and she didn’t even realize it as she made her way to my table. Mac had always been humble and completely unaware of how irresistible she was to the opposite sex. Luckily for me.

“Hey, beautiful,” I said, standing to kiss her cheek. “I ordered coffee. Do you want anything else?”

“No, that’s fine for now,” she said, smiling at the waitress who delivered two cups of our favorite brew to the table. “Thank you.”

I took a moment to appreciate her while she prepared her coffee. She was wearing a long, multi-colored summer dress with flat black sandals. It was completely shapeless, but the decadent cleavage made it obvious she was hiding an incredible body under the layers of delicate fabric.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she said, “Thanks so much for meeting me, Ryker. I hope I didn’t drag you away from anything important.”

I chucked. “Just a
Mentalist
rerun.”

She smiled, obviously remembering our deal. I’d watch the sappy reality shows with her if she watched the psychological dramas with me.

“I’ve been watching it this season,” she said, pressing her lips into a line to keep from smiling. “I have to admit, there have been some pretty interesting plot twists.”

I gaped at her. “I thought you only watched it because I made you watch it with me.”

She shrugged. “I only said that so you’d watch the
Bachelor
with me.”

From her romance novels to her reality shows promising a happily ever after, Mac was a sucker for a good love story.

After a shared smile, she said, “I met with Mr. Baxter from Baxter reality today to talk to him about the possibility of me joining his firm.”

I had mixed feelings. I was happy she was including me in her decisions and grateful that she hadn’t called me here because she’d had a change of heart, but I hated the thought of her working for that old letch. “The boys mentioned you were considering getting your real estate license.”

“Turns out I’ve changed my mind about that.”

I could tell she was torn about the decision, and I wanted to be supportive. “Why’s that?”

“I spoke to Baxter’s trainer, and she made me realize I may not be cut out for that business.”

“She doesn’t know you like I do. When you set your mind to something, you do it, so if this is something you really want, don’t let anyone dissuade you, Mac. Baxter’s may not be the best fit for you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find another brokerage that’ll appreciate you.”

I hated the thought of anyone making Mac feel she wasn’t good enough. I realized I’d wasted too many years not encouraging her the way I should have, but that was about to change. Her goals were my goals now and I would do anything I could to help her.

“Baxter implied that I should use your connections to build my client base.” She made a face as though she’d eaten something sour. “I told him I was determined to make it on my own, but he acted as though that was laughable. I’m blessed with a rich and connected husband, why not use him, right?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

Anyone who would even suggest that clearly had no concept of the kind of woman Mac was. She hated asking me for favors, even when we were together. There were so many times she had hosted important events and needed donations for a silent auction or a recognizable guest M.C. and she would be afraid to ask me because she didn’t want me to think she was taking advantage of me.

She didn’t know I would have given her anything and everything she asked for. Then and now.

“Anything I can do to help you, you know I will, sweetheart.”

“I appreciate that,” she said, smiling as she wrapped her hands around her coffee mug. “But the only help I need from you right now is a little advice.”

Nothing she could have said would have pleased me more. Just knowing that she valued my opinion and wanted me to weigh in on her future meant everything to me. “I’m listening.”

“So, I had a session with Barb today.”

“Your coach?”

“Yeah.” She took a sip of her coffee before leaning back against the upholstered chair. “I told her about what happened with Baxter and the fact that I was having second thoughts about getting my real estate license, and she suggested I analyze my interests and skill set to figure out what I might like to do. We talked about how much I’d enjoyed volunteering, so maybe something in the non-profit sector, but I don’t know for sure.”

Mackenzie lived to help others and felt most fulfilled when she was working as part of a group to further an important cause, so that made perfect sense to me. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“You do?” she asked, brightening at my enthusiasm.

I didn’t realize until that moment how much my encouragement meant to her, and it made me wish I’d given it every chance I got. From now on I would, just as she’d always supported me, even when my dreams looked like long shot. “Absolutely. I know how much you’ve always enjoyed volunteer work.”

“There are a few non-profits offering paid opportunities, mostly part-time, but I’m not sure I’d be qualified. I don’t have any formal work experience.”

“Come on,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You’ve chaired every type of fundraiser I can think of, from formal galas to bake sales. I’m sure you’d get a hundred people to vouch for you, no problem.” Before she could interject, I said, “Paid or volunteer, it doesn’t matter, Mac. As long as you’re doing something that makes you happy.”

She shifted in her seat, and I could tell she was uncomfortable talking about finances. Nothing had changed since I moved out. She still had full access to our joint bank account. The houses and cars were paid for, as were the property taxes and school tuition. I never asked Mac how she spent money when we were together and didn’t need to know now. I trusted her.