New Beginnings (69 page)

“I kind of miss the old neighborhood.” He glanced out the patio doors to the backyard.

They’d both grown up nearby in larger versions of the house Rennie shared with her son. So many times they’d talked about how great it would be if Zach could get a contract pitching for the hometown team so their kids could grow up near their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. All these years later, they were so close, yet so far from the life they’d dreamed.

“Why didn’t you move back here? They built some beautiful homes backing on to your parents’ golf course.”

“Yeah, but they live there.” He chuckled. “That would’ve been a little too close for comfort, if you know what I mean?”

His parents were good people, but she knew his mother had strong opinions about how Zach should live his life. She also had the tendency to meddle when things weren’t working out according to her plan. In fact, Rennie was a little surprised Lenora hadn’t been banging her door down demanding to see her grandson.

“My mama would’ve been walking in whenever she damn well felt like it, and that could’ve been awkward.” The color rose in his cheeks. “I mean—”

“It’s okay, Zach. I know what you meant.” She smiled reassuringly, hoping he couldn’t tell how much the idea of him being intimate with other women bothered her. “A lot of years have passed since we were a couple. We’ve both changed a lot. You don’t owe me any explanations about how you’ve been living since I left.” The only thing that mattered was that he was willing to step up and be the father their son needed.

“One thing will never change, Ren,” he said, stepping closer.

“Hey, Mom, I…” Tyler looked from his mom to Zach. “Sorry, I was just gonna ask—”

“No problem, Tyler.” Rennie smiled at her son. She was grateful Tyler had interrupted. Whatever Zach had been prepared to say, she didn’t think she was ready to hear it. “What do you need, hon?”

“Can I have a diet pop?”

“Sure, just remember one is your limit,” Rennie said, following Zach into the kitchen. She had to put the flowers in water.

“It’s too bad we can’t toss the ball,” Tyler said, looking at Zach’s injured shoulder.

“How is it?” Rennie asked, glancing at Zach over her shoulder.

“I’ll survive.” His full lips twisted into a wry grin. “Injuries like this go with the territory.”

Rennie knew that. Icing, massage, and physical therapy had been a part of his life as far back as she could remember. “Shouldn’t you be wearing a sling or something?” She reached for a crystal vase from an overhead cabinet. “You know, so you don’t overdo it?”

“They wanted me to.” He moved in behind her to get the vase.

Rennie closed her eyes when his front brushed her back. Her son was only a few feet away, yet the urge to turn into his arms was compelling. That was the effect he’d always had on her. He made her forget reason and jump in with both feet. She’d believed with age came the wisdom to instinctively make better choices, but his chiselled chest and killer smile still turned her brain to mush.

“But you know how I hate to be incapacitated,” he said, just loud enough for her to hear.

She sucked in a breath. Zach was reminding her of a time he’d been on the disabled list the year he went pro. He sustained an injury and one of the team doctors suggested a sling, but that night, he showed her all of the things he could still do to her… in spite of his injury.

“Um, I should turn the grill on.” She turned fast enough that she bumped into the solid wall of his chest. Her kitchen was small, and he was…
so not
. A lethal combination. Especially with her innocent child standing by, watching them dance around their attraction to each other.

“You take care of the flowers,” Zach said, grinning. “Tyler and I can take care of the grill.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, already reaching into the drawer for the igniter. She couldn’t get him out of there fast enough. She needed time and space just to remember how to breathe.

“You forget you’re talking to the grill master,” he said, laughing.

He was right. Manning the grill had always been one of his many talents. At parties in high school and college, he had always been the one their friends nominated to grill the food. “Of course.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll skewer the shrimp while you heat it up.”

Zach gave her a look that said things were hot enough already, but thankfully he had the good sense to keep his mouth shut in front of his little sidekick.

“Lord help me,” Rennie muttered as soon as they stepped outside. Being around Zach was harder than she thought. Pretending, for the sake of her son, that they were just old friends reconnecting after years apart, when they would always be so much more than that, was impossible. After their son went to bed, they would have to talk about when and how to tell him the truth. One thing was for sure, it had to be soon. Rennie didn’t know how much longer she could keep up the appearance of normalcy without cracking under the pressure.

“I had a great time tonight, Ren,” Zach said, sliding a strand of her hair through his fingers. They’d just said goodnight to Tyler, and they were settling in on the sofa with a glass of red wine. He knew he could happily spend every night for the rest of his life doing that. As much as he loved baseball, he loved spending time with his family even more. Because even though they didn’t have a piece of paper or a ring tying them together, they had Tyler, and he represented forever.

“I did too,” she said, swirling the wine in her glass. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t know what to expect, but it was… easy.” She smiled. “I didn’t think it would be so effortless.”

He shifted closer, remaining mindful of his injury. He’d purposefully avoided taking pain reliever that afternoon so he could enjoy a glass of wine or two with dinner. He knew Rennie wouldn’t indulge without him, and he liked the rosy glow he saw on her cheeks, the softness in her eyes that told him she was relaxed and content. “I know I’ve said it before, but Tyler is an amazing kid. You should be really proud of the job you’ve done with him.”

She shifted, looking uncomfortable. “I didn’t do it alone. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I can’t disregard Nathan’s part in Tyler’s life. He was important to him and me. I don’t ever want Tyler to forget him.”

Zach let his hand fall, and he leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. His shoulder protested the sudden movement, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you I’m okay with another man stealing the life that should have been mine?”

“Nathan didn’t steal anything from you, Zach.” Rennie set her glass on the oak end table beside her. “You didn’t want that life. He did.”

“How long are you gonna punish me for that?” he asked, clenching his wine glass. “Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Forever?” When she didn’t respond, he looked over his shoulder. The sadness in her eyes melted some of his anger. He knew it hadn’t been easy on her either. “I’m sorry. It just kills me to think about… you loving someone else, some other guy raising
my
kid.” He set his glass on the table when he feared he might shatter it.

“Nathan was—”

“I don’t want to hear it,” he said, clenching his teeth. “I don’t wanna hear that he was a good man or a caring husband or a responsible father. I don’t want to hear that you loved him or he loved you or that he really stepped up when you needed someone to help you with Tyler.”

“But he—”

“Did. I know.” When he couldn’t sit still another second, Zach paced the small room. The things he’d been afraid to say churned around inside his head. He risked alienating her if he spoke the truth, but since she claimed honesty was a deal breaker, he decided to go for broke. “I hate him. I hate that he got to share your bed every night.” He knew his fury was evident when she seemed to shrink back when they made eye contact.

“Zach, I—”

“I hate that he was the one to introduce my son to baseball. That should have been me!”

“Please be quiet,” she said, looking desperate. “You’ll wake Tyler.”

He forced himself to take a few deep breaths. “If there is one moment in my life I could take back, it would be that conversation with my brother.”

“But we can’t go back.” She tucked her legs under her.

“Would you, if you could?” He looked her in the eye, praying she would tell him what he would give everything to hear. “Would you go back? Would you marry me? Would you give me a chance to be a father to our son?”

A tear slid down her cheek, and she covered her mouth with her fist, refusing to look at him. “You’re asking me if I wish Nathan had never been a part of my life. I don’t.”

Zach turned away, closing his eyes. His own tears were too close to the surface. She was telling him if she had to choose between him and her late husband, she would choose Nathan.

“Please try to understand,” she said quietly. “He taught me so much about myself. Things I may never have learned had I stayed here with you.”

Zach didn’t trust himself to speak without losing his temper, so he said nothing. He wanted to yell, scream, throw something, put his fist through a wall… hit his knees and beg her for one more chance. And that, he knew, was the most pathetic of all the emotions raging inside of him. Another man would have been her first choice, and he still couldn’t walk away.

“The way I loved Nathan was so different than the way I loved you. You need to understand that.”

He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how the only woman he’d ever loved could have loved another man more than she loved him.

“He made me feel safe. You made me feel insecure.”

“I made you feel insecure?” he asked, finally facing her. “What the hell are you talking about? What did I ever do to make you feel insecure?”

“You were you,” she said, as though that should explain everything.

“And?”

A sad, fleeting smile passed her lips. “You were the guy every girl wanted to date, and you were mine. A little part of me always wondered why and for how long.”

“What?” Zach couldn’t believe what he was hearing. In all the years they’d spent together, she’d never said anything like that to him.

“You were handsome, smart, sexy, athletic…” She sighed. “Everyone knew you were going places.” She lifted a hand, gesturing to him. “And just look at you now. Not only are you a professional athlete, you own a chain of successful sports bars.”

“So?”

“So what would a guy like you want with a
normal
woman like me?” She raised a hand when he started to protest. “Don’t misunderstand, Zach. I’m not fishing for compliments, and I’m not downplaying my own accomplishments. I know I’m a good mom. I have a job I love, and I give something back to the world. I’m good with that. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted. That’s what Nathan helped me to realize: who I am and what I want.”

“You don’t think you could have figured that out with me?” His bitterness and resentment swiftly rose to the surface at the mention of her late husband’s name.

“No, I honestly don’t.” She ran her fingertip around the rim of her glass as though she was looking for something to do with her hands. “You were right when you told Kevin I’d pressured you into marrying me. I did, subconsciously.”

“No, it wasn’t you—”

“Yes, it was.” She took the last sip before setting her glass on the table. “I must have made you crazy going on and on about the life I wanted. Do you know why I did that?”

When she looked at him with a challenge in her eyes, he was almost afraid to ask. “Why?”

“Because I was afraid of losing you.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stared at the framed photographs on her mantle. There were pictures of Tyler, one of her and Nathan, one of her with her parents, and one of Tyler with his little cousin. “I was so desperate to hold on to you that I didn’t care whether you were ready.
I
was ready. How selfish does that make me?”

He couldn’t stand to see her beat herself up. In spite of what he’d told his brother, he’d loved Rennie and he had been ready to make her his wife. He may not have wanted to start a family right away, but she was the only woman he wanted to share his bed. He kneeled in front of her. “Don’t do this. Don’t take the blame for something that wasn’t your fault. If anyone was selfish, it was me. You had to sacrifice everything for my career. The only thing you wanted was to be a wife and mother. The least I could have done was open my eyes and see that.”

“If I’d stayed with you, that’s probably all I would have wanted.” She tentatively stroked his face. “It may have even made me happy, but I would have missed out on a career that fulfills me.”

She brushed her thumb over his lower lip, and he barely suppressed the desire to draw it into his mouth. Even in the midst of his chaotic feelings, he still wanted to make love to her.

“I started working because I had to.”

Zach swore softly. She had to work to support herself and Tyler when he should have, at the very least, been sending her five-figure child support payments every month.

“Even after Nathan and I got together, I had to work. He didn’t earn enough to allow me to stay home with Tyler, and by that time, I wouldn’t have wanted that. I started working for Sky’s the Limit when Tyler started school fulltime. The office was just a few blocks from his school, so it was perfect. He could hang out with me at work until I was ready to call it a day.”

Zach thought about how different their lives would have been had they married. Rennie may never have found her calling, but he couldn’t accept that things had worked out for the best. He’d missed out on too much with them. Reclaiming his spot beside her, he moved in close, and she didn’t pull away when he put his arm around her. “I’m glad you’ve found a career that makes you happy, Ren.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I found more than just a career. I found myself.”

He’d always thought she was pretty amazing, but he couldn’t deny the changes in her made her even more appealing. She was stronger and more determined. She possessed a quiet confidence she’d lacked when she was younger. She knew who she was and what she wanted, but the question he was dying to ask was… did she still want him?