New Title 3 (22 page)

I gestured to Connor, indicating that I needed to speak to him alone. While Sara and the guys inventoried our new stash of party snacks, Connor and I went into the backyard, out of earshot.

“
What have you been doing at nights?” I asked him.

“
What?” He recoiled, and then frowned, as though I’d just overstepped my bounds.

I persisted. “Is it you back there? You digging up that earth next to Gil’s grave?” I stared at him, hard. “Is it, man?”

Connor glared. Then he lowered his head and approached the picnic table, where he slowly sat down. I followed.

“
What’s wrong with me, man? There must be something wrong with me...” His jaw muscles flexed.

“
Is it like a sleepwalking thing?”

“
Yeah, yeah, I think it’s something like that. Or maybe I’m going crazy.” He ran both hands through his hair and bit his lip.

“
Don’t say shit like that. You’re not.”

“
Joel, I can’t explain what’s happening to me. It’s like I’m under the control of someone else. That doesn’t make any sense, I know, but I don’t know how else to describe it.”

“
Like you’re outside looking in?”

“
No, like I’m actually someone else, walking a path that they’d once walked. Like when I let the déja-vu run its course. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about.”

“
Are you kidding? You could get shot walking around in the woods in the middle of the night! Then we’d have to bury you in the grave you dug yourself. That’s messed up!”

“
Maybe I was digging a grave for someone else.” He looked sick at the thought. “Maybe it’s for the baby... for Julia’s baby.”

He caught me off guard with that one. “The baby?”

“
Yeah, maybe this means that the baby won’t make it to term and be a miscarriage!”

God, it was a horrible thing to hear coming out of his mouth but a better scenario than him dropping dead.

Slapping his shoulder, I stood up. “Come on, let’s get back. We’ll figure out what’s going on somehow.” Together we resurfaced from our hidden position under the balcony and walked out into the sun.

During lunch, Connor drank more than he usually did. I didn’t stop him: he was dealing with a lot. I limited myself to the tainted tap water, which was now bearable thanks to some flavor crystals that Sara had found in the dry storage, but lit a joint to accompany my sickly sweet drink. We wondered how Earl, Sonny, and Fred were making out. Julia stated again that she thought the expedition was a bad idea. Connor looked up from his third glass of straight gin and blurted, “Why do you have to be so negative? Don’t tell me it’s PMS: you’re pregnant, remember?”

Everyone gasped. I fought the urge to strangle my best friend. All eyes fell on Julia. Her quivering chin sank and she blinked in slow motion, as though trying to erase the last thirty seconds. Then she slowly laid down her sandwich, stood up, and left the kitchen.

I pushed down on Connor’s shoulder as he started to rise. My touch was hard: he got the message. Sara also gestured for him to stay put.

“
Let me, Connor.” She wasn’t asking permission. She pushed her chair away from the table and followed her best friend.

Silence hung over the kitchen. Then Kevin asked, “When did this happen?”

Both Connor and I shot him a look. He shut up and feigned interest in his water glass.

“
She’ll be fine, Connor,” John added. “Caroline missed her period once too, man, it doesn’t always mean they’re pregnant.”

“
Julia hasn’t had hers for two months,” Connor replied dully. “She is going to hate me for saying anything. She’s going to hate me.”

“
She’s not going to hate you, man,” I insisted. My anger had dissipated and I started to feel sorry for him. “It had to come up eventually.”

“
Yeah, really, Connor what was she going to do, claim to have found a baby somewhere?”

Kevin’s special brand of sarcasm wasn’t helping. Connor didn’t react though. He just stood up and went to the basement. I left him with his thoughts and stepped onto the patio with Kev and John. Kev lit a cigarette as we planted ourselves on some lawn chairs. John slipped a joint from his pocket and lit it using Kev’s smoke. When he offered it to me I took a deep toke. It had been a hell of a day.

*****

Later that night, when Kevin and I shared guard duty with Sara, she told us Julia’s wrenching story. It was one of self-pity, a loathsome emotion we were all familiar with, as well as survivor’s guilt, another deeply traumatic sensation everyone had to deal with. But unlike us, Julia chased all of those painful and self-destructive emotions and nourished an enormous sense of self-hate over allowing something like a pregnancy to happen at all. She was adamant that she couldn’t let a baby be born into a damaged world like this.

“
The way she was explaining herself - trying to justify her reasoning –was frightening,” Sara went on. “I think I might have talked her out of an abortion. I mean, I could try to perform it for her but it’d be dangerous. Besides, I told her that a baby would be a beautiful addition to our group, a representative of hope. Anyway, I think I gave her something to sleep on tonight. Connor will take it from there. I just can’t believe she didn’t come to me with this information as soon as she knew.”

“
Sounds like maybe you’ve gotten her off on the right foot again,” Kevin offered.

“
Thanks,” Sara said. “I hope so.”

When twelve o’clock rolled around, Caroline and John came in to relieve us. Sidney was behind them, looking too tired for someone about to begin the night shift.

“
Ready for eight hours of this?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“
I figure it can’t be much worse then the four to eighter,” John replied. “Just knowing that the sun’s going to rise is enough to keep me up.”

“
Amen to that,” stated Sidney, taking his place at the north window.

“
Enjoy...” I waggled my fingers. Then Kevin, Sara and I took our leave, never guessing what the morning would bring.

“
J
oel!” My eyes flickered open. I could hear the distressed voice of my best friend. “Joel...”

He began to shake me. Sara woke up too, and was the first to see the look of helplessness and horror in Connor’s red-rimmed eyes.

“
Oh no,” she whimpered, knowing instinctively that it had something to do with Julia. Her chin trembled and tears streamed down her cheeks. When Connor nodded at her, confirming the worst, Sara jumped out of bed and charged out of our room.

“
What is it? What’s happened?” I sat up. Sara could be heard crying frantically in the spare bedroom, Connor and Julia’s room. Peering closely at the hunched figure of my best friend, I saw with alarm that blood covered the front of his shirt.

“
It’s Julia.” Connor couldn’t speak further. When he began to sway, I scrambled out of bed, ignoring the pain in my leg, and caught him. I could see Sara across the hall, kneeling beside Julia’s bed, holding her lifeless white hand. Jesus, there was blood everywhere!

I helped Connor onto my bed. He stayed there, gripping the blankets and pulling them over his head. Then I ran across the hall and dropped next to Sara.

Julia was dead, and had been for hours from the look of her. The stench of blood was overpowering. My eyes fell to her hands, where I saw deep, vicious cuts in her wrists. The morning sun permeated the room, enhancing the contrast of red on white, red on everything.

Sara remained kneeling beside the bed, weeping into Connor’s pillow as I massaged her shoulders. Glancing back into my room, I saw Connor sitting on my bed, swaying back and forth and pulling at his hair. He’d never be the same either. Just when you think you’ve mastered your situation, fate throws you a curve ball. We’d come so far, I thought we were actually getting a grip on this. I would never overestimate myself or my friends again.

*****

Sara stayed with Connor in our room while Kevin and I wrapped Julia in a soft yellow sheet. It was now painfully obvious as to who would fill the plot Connor had so diligently - albeit unconsciously - dug over so many sleepless nights. We would lower Julia’s small and delicate vessel into the plot beside Gil.

During the brief funeral service, only the Lord’s Prayer was recited. Words, even prayers, were powerless to soften the grief and melancholy. Connor never spoke. His chin rarely left his chest as he stared at the grave and accepted handshakes or hugs without offering any eye contact. I showed my support by sitting with him constantly, being there should he wish to open up after the funeral.

Which he did. We were seated at the edge of the backyard, overlooking the woods, the newly erected grave marker in plain view.

“
How bad could it have been?” he whispered. I said nothing, just listened. “Having a baby... how bad could it have been?” He lifted his head to look at me, eyes beseeching me for an answer.

“
Connor….” I started to speak, but stopped. I turned away, closing my eyes against the orange glow breaking on the horizon. Nothing I could say would make any difference.

“
Go back to the house, Joel,” he said softly. “I want to be alone for awhile.”

*****

When night fell, I sat in one of the RVs out front, trying to piece together all that had happened, to find a pattern or purpose. I smoked a bowl, or two or three. When I was ready to reenter the world, I wandered into the house. It was late and my direction was utterly aimless. I ended up in the basement, where I came across Kevin’s gallery of the bizarre. He had moved many of his paintings here from the addition to make room during the occupation.

“
What are you doing, Joel?” asked Kevin. I jumped slightly as he materialized from the darkness like an apparition. My nerves were shot.

“
Nothing, man. Can’t sleep,” I stated. Eyes traveling over his art, I asked, “Aren’t you working anymore on this one?”

I pointed to the multi-canvas piece that captured one of my earlier dreams, one Kevin had shared. It was titled ‘Body Parts’, and featured a torso, wing, arm, horn and other pieces of anatomy.

“
I’ll be honest with you Joel; I can’t seem to find any inspiration in much of anything these days. The one thing that inspired me the most has let me down. I want to see the angel! I want to talk to him, I want more than what he’s willing to give me.” He scratched his face vigorously, suggesting that he’d been into something.

“
Yeah, but careful what you wish for, Kev.”

I was thirsty, so I went to the bar at the south end of the basement. Picking up a glass and blowing it free of dust and cobwebs, I poured the rust-coloured water. “Seriously, Kev, you should be proud of the role you’ve played in this. He gave you that face to draw, the one we all recognized. That face built the theory we exist around. That’s real.”

“
Like I said before, Joel: real to you, real to Connor and Jake, well not Jake anymore... but, how is he real to me? Real means more than just a dream. Christ, since when did dreams or visions define reality?” Kevin sat at one of the stools.

“
Don’t forget Sid’s story,” I reminded him. “Remember, he’d been shown a vision just before he approached Gareth. That was a gift. That’s real.”

“
I suppose.” He paused. “Or plain old adrenaline.” Kev moved back toward his painter’s box and fumbled with a baggie. “You feel like getting high?”

I was. But yes, I did.

*****

Thankfully we slept like the dead or we may well have fallen to our deaths. After smoking enough pot to buzz an army, Kev and I climbed atop the roof, directly above the addition, and stretched out. We were discovered by Sidney and Seth, who’d been looking for us all morning and checked that spot as a last resort.

“
I gotta ask... why?” Seth exchanged amused glances with Sid after I opened my eyes. “You two look like shit.”

“
Why are we on the roof?” I wondered aloud, temporarily forgetting. The sun’s rays felt like lasers boring into my eyes. Sidney took pity on me and handed me his sunglasses. “Thanks, buddy.”

“
That’s what we want to know,” Sid smirked.

Kevin awoke then. When he saw where he was, he pressed his body against the shingles: Kevin was petrified of heights. “Shit! How did you get me up here, Joel?”

Needless to say, we had a hell of a time getting him off the roof. A hit off the Sweet Bitch settled his nerves enough for him to crawl to the antenna secured to the side of the house, which was the only way up, and down.

Kevin and I apologized profusely for causing any alarm. We were all on edge after Julia’s death, and what Kev and I did was our way of blowing off some steam. Regardless, we felt terrible that we were the cause of such a fierce search effort, especially in light of current events.

Connor was melancholy, but he assured us that he was managing and didn’t need our constant smothering. I would respect that. When I invited him to join Sidney and I on a patrol of the property, he assented.

It was a grey afternoon, with no colour save that of the pale sky overhead. But when we came upon the fresh earth that covered our Julia, grey somehow seemed appropriate. Sid and I hung back as Connor knelt before the mound. Resting his hands upon the lifted soil as if he were touching her again, he moved from its center to the outer edges, dragging his fingers slowly across where I imagined her waist was. He placed his forehead against the earth. After a moment he stood, wiping away the trace dirt on his brow.