New Title 4 (12 page)

Gloria s apartment was just over two blocks away from the Squamous Nightmare Café, but Caleb had been afraid it would still take too much time to get there and they might run out of things to say. Silence to him felt even worse than having it filled with his trademark verbal mistakes. To his surprise, though, they were able to fill up the whole walk there with plenty of pleasant if meaningless banter. All the while, though, he continued to dwell on the fact that this was the end of their date. And the end of a date was traditionally supposed to include a kiss.

He honestly had no clue whether or not that was going to happen tonight.
Truth be told, he had been on much worse first dates in the past that had ended with a kiss (and considering this date could have resulted in the end of the world, that was saying something), just as he had been on better ones that hadn t. But on this one he cared more than usual. Somehow, in the time since he had first worked with her at the OneStop, his mild little crush on Gloria had grown into something more. Not love yet, most definitely not, but a certain genuine affection. Also a whole lot of lust, he supposed, but he didn t think anything along those lines was going to happen tonight. If it was just a kiss, he would be more than happy.
Gloria s apartment building wasn t too much different from his own except for the two extra stories on it. They continued with the meaningless chatter up the steps to the building s front door, and it was there that Gloria stopped and gently set down the garbage bag. They stood in front of the door, both no more than a foot away from each other, and that was where the awkward pause finally came into play. Um so Caleb said. He felt absolutely silly for this feeling, like he was a teenager finishing the end of his first date. Tonight kind of sucked a little. How about we try it again some other time?
Maybe, Gloria said. She looked away as though she had to think about it, then shrugged. Probably. But not right away. I guess I kind of realized something tonight. I ve got a few issues I need to deal with. And I need to deal with them on my own.
Now who s the one with the whole lone wolf thing going on?
Right. Point taken. So we ve got that much in common, huh? But I just need to deal with things. I guess I can deal with that, Caleb said, but he didn t really agree with his own words. We ve taken this long just to get here, I supposed it doesn t really matter if it goes on for longer.
And I just need you to realize it might go on for a lot longer, Gloria said. I m not even sure if I m comfortable yet with giving you a kiss good night.
Caleb s shoulders sagged, but he couldn t say he was at all surprised. Right, I get it. The sexual tension is just going to keep building over each new adventure we have together, with all kinds of little things happening in between to get in the way, misunderstandings and such, until eventually we finally give in long after we should have done it to begin with.
Gloria smirked. You ve done this before, huh? No, I just read a lot of book series.
Gloria smiled, then turned away from him as she pulled the front door keys from her pocket. Well, good night.
Reality unzipped. The air flashed purple and green. Caleb was naked in bed next to Gloria.
He was on his back, his breathing ragged. He turned to his left and looked at Gloria, his eyes going wide at the site of her nude body tangled in bed sheets he didn t recognize. Except he did recognize them. They were Gloria s, and he had seen them as they were desperately trying to get each other s clothes off. And then other things had happened. A whole lot of things. A few of them he didn t even know how to spell.
None of it had happened. And yet it all had.
They both bolted up straight in bed, looked each other in the eye, and said the same thing at the same time.
Oh shit.

On the way to Caleb s apartment before work, Lucas had passed a dead werechipmunk carcass in an alley with a tire tread on its burst stomach. He had taken it as a good sign. He knew the Hill s secrets, and the neighborhood was afraid of him.

Of course, that delusion hadn t lasted long. The Hill wasn t exactly afraid of him at all. Its buildings, its denizens, its general spirit, they all thought of him more as a joke than anything else. That was because this place, these people, defied the natural order of things. They thought they were above and better than the real world. It was exactly that sort of cockiness that would bring it all down. By the time he was finished with all the ridiculous and dangerous indignities of tonight s shift, all the beasties throughout the Hill would be truly and utterly afraid of him.

Which made the indignity all the worse as he had to wait for an OCD vampire to pay him for a pair of windshield wiper blades with nothing but a baggy full of pennies. That asshole Phil just stood there staring at him with whatever the hell that thing was next to him. He was a cocky son of a bitch too, but at least he didn t have the slightest clue what was really going on here. All plans were still going along exactly as they were supposed to, and that subhuman clerk could do nothing but stand there and play the patsy.

Three hundred and fifty-one, three hundred and fifty-two! Ah ah ah! Three hundred and fiftythree!

The vampire continued his counting, and Lucas did everything he could not to start screaming at the creature. As much as he hated this, it would be better if he continued to act like just another clueless and slightly lazy convenience store clerk. Caleb had mentioned to Lucas last night about how fast word could travel among the low-lifes here, and he had already learned tonight just how true that was. If he skipped out of work now it might get around. Questions might be asked and all the wrong people might make all the right connections about what was really going on. It was best to hide in plain sight right here in the middle of it. As much as he wanted to leave already and start celebrating what could only become a great victory, he had to hunker down and remain quiet until closer to three a.m.

Lucas felt something buzzing in the right pocket of his cargo pants. The pants were a little out of style, but he d needed all the extra pocket room tonight considering a few of the things he needed to try shoving in there without anyone being suspicious. He thought at first that the buzzing was from one of those extra items, and he almost screamed. He d been careful about which ones he had brought with him, but it was still possible that one of those things buzzing could mean he was about to die a very horrible death. After a few seconds and about ten more pennies counted out on the counter, though, it occurred to him that all he was really feeling was his cell phone. Shit. This was not good. Any call he got now was probably one he really needed to take, but he couldn t do it without ditching this brain-dead retard of a customer and therefore looking suspicious. It was going to have to wait a few more seconds. Or even a few more minutes at this rate.

On the other side of the counter Phil leaned over to the zombie and whispered something in its ear before leading her over towards the bathroom and the other door to the back room. He was probably off to do something sexual with the corpse, and the thought churned Lucas s stomach. That was the way everyone around here was, just doing horribly deviant things without any thought for decency or the natural order.

It might be a good thing that Phil was going to be occupied in the back room, however. As soon as Lucas was sure he was gone out of earshot, he put a hand down on the pennies strewn across the counter.

Let s just assume you have enough here, right? The vampire looked up at him like Lucas had just kicked him in the balls. But there are three hundred and ninety-one! Three hundred and ninetyone pennies! That is not enough, no no no!

It s good enough. Just take your stupid fucking wiper blades and get the hell out of here.
No, I must continue counting the pennies. Three hundred and nine-two, three hundred and ninety-three
Lucas had spent a lot of time on all his plans for tonight. It had required a level head and absolute assurance that he would be doing the right thing. It had required a massive amount of patience. Patience was something he d always been able to cultivate. It had always been necessary to keep all his seething rage from coming out to the surface. He was good at keeping a straight face to cover up all the anger. With a quick swipe he lashed his arm out across the counter, the pennies flying everywhere in a shower against the startled vampire. I said leave, Lucas said. He just barely managed to force his voice to stay in a whisper, but the vampire finally got the hint. He grabbed the wiper blades and rushed out the door, leaving Lucas staring after him with a grimace on his face and his muscles tightening as he tried to keep from throwing something.
He took a moment to breath and try to calm himself down. This wasn t the first time tonight he had simply lost control of himself, but he supposed it was better this time. At least this time there had been something he could point to as having set him off. Early he had just destroyed Caleb s door for no reason after ripping it off its hinges. He supposed that might very well be a side effect of the extract he had taken. The extract was a thing of wild magic and science that shouldn t exist, just like so many other things on the Hill, so he supposed it wasn t too surprising when there were interesting side effects. It was something he was going to have to be careful with if he had to use it again.
Lucas looked behind him at the door into the back room. It was halfway closed and he couldn t hear anything from the other side, but Phil at least wasn t coming back out. Now would be the moment where he could call back whoever had tried to contact him, but it would be better if he wasn t right where Phil could still hear him if he came out of the back room. He went around the counter, pulling his cell out as he went, and started towards the back cooler. The front door opened on his way there, and a wild eyed man with frizzy gray hair poked his head inside. Lucas had to do a double take before he registered that the man was completely naked.
Excuse me, I don t suppose you guys sell pants here? His breathing was ragged like he had been running.
Lucas was too dumbstruck to give anything more than a straight answer. Sorry, no, but you would think after the last couple days they would think to start.
I m sorry, I don t quite understand what you mean.
Nothing. What I mean is no shirt, no shoes, no service.
I fully plan on taking care of those things after I solve the pants problem. Are you sure you don t sell pants?
Pretty sure. Now go away.
The man grumbled as he closed the door, and Lucas tried not to stare at the fully nude man through the glass door as he walked away. Lucas would have thought after all the many years he had spent on the Hill, after all the horrible things he had seen, he would be used to stuff like this by now. Maybe there were just some things that nobody could get used to. He took one more look over his shoulder at the doors to the back room before he went into the cooler. The cooler was a long room that ran the length of the store, mostly containing large stacks of soda and various drinks. At the far end where they kept all the milk Lucas could see out past the racks of food through the glass doors and out into the rest of the store. From here he could keep a pretty decent eye on the store s front door as well as the door to the back room, but someone on the other side would have to be really looking for him to see him hiding back here. The racks of milk and Lunchables and whatnot covered him pretty nicely. It was probably a better place to do something private than when he had been making phone calls in the back room, but would have looked more suspicious.
Lucas pulled his cell phone from its pocket, stopping long enough for another nervous check to make sure that the other three items he had brought with him were still there and, hopefully, were not about to eat his soul. That was unlikely, as he had specifically picked three that would be more or less easy to carry around yet would not be dangerous in any accidental way. He was happy but not surprised that Phil apparently hadn t noticed any of the tell-tale bulges from the pockets. The penny was not an issue at all, but even in the overly large pockets of a pair of cargo pants someone should have been able to see the shapes of an amulet and a Rubik s Cube. He had been counting on Phil to have seen so much around here that such details wouldn t strike him as important, and so far he had been right.
Lucas groaned as he checked the missed calls on his cell phone. The incoming caller had been marked simply as T. She wasn t supposed to be calling him at all. If she was, then either she was more incompetent than Lucas had initially thought or something had gone wrong.
He hit redial and waited as the phone on the other end rang. It was picked up during the second ring.
Yeah? a female voice answered.
You re a fucking idiot, Tuffy, Lucas said. I told you not to call me unless it was important.
It is important, boss. They found us quicker than we expected.
How the hell did they find you already? You were supposed to be leading them on a chase all over the whole Hill.
Fluffy wanted to stop at the Snake s Sanctum for a beer. They just walked right up to us.
Okay, two things. One, why the hell would Fluffy want a beer? She doesn t even have an esophagus anymore. There s nothing in her throat except a bunch of wires. And two, I told you guys straight up that was probably where they would go first. I ve been keeping a close eye on these two specifically so I could learn exactly that sort of information, and you don t even bother to listen? She didn t answer right away. There were several bumps and mumbles from the other end, some sounds that might have been a minor scuffle. Lucas could hear shouts of Let me have it! and No, I was talking to him! Get your own cell phone! Lucas rolled his eyes and then nervously peaked out at the rest of the store. A customer had walked in, but there was no sign at the moment of Phil. Crap. He didn t want to go out there just yet. He had a feeling that his minions still had more important things to tell him.
Could you please just hurry up and get one of you overgrown air conditioners on the phone already? he said. The scuffling on the other end stopped, and another much deeper voice came on.
Boss, I m sorry. It was just force of habit from when I could still eat and stuff. I just had the hankering.
You haven t needed to eat or drink anything for over a year now, Fluffy. That s no goddamned excuse. So they found you. That s not great, but it still doesn t merit a call. You knew what you were supposed to do.
Yeah, but there was some more problems. More brief scuffling from the other end, and then from a short distance Lucas could hear Tuffy s voice.
She stopped to fight the guy. What s his name. Caleb.
Lucas clapped the hand not holding the phone to his forehead. He was starting to get a headache, and he was feeling the strange desire to shoot up with that extract again. I told you not to bother trying to take them out. As idiotic as the guy may seem, he s got a reputation. And I don t know enough about the girl to know if she s dangerous. You were just supposed to run, keep them occupied. Get them as far away as possible until three a.m. Is that really so fucking hard to understand?
No boss, but I just wanted to have a little fun, you know? Beat the crap out of him for a little bit. I had Tuffy and Muffy run with the bag just like you said.
No, I said all three of you were supposed to run with the bag. So what s the status now?
Well, I had to get out of there as soon as my clothes disappeared.
Okay, the headache was really getting bad now. That might explain a little bit if I actually wanted to know. So what s the status with you three now? There was a pause. Actually, it s just the two of us now.
What? Where the hell did Muffy go?
More scuffling and mumbling, this time accompanied by Here, you take the phone! and No, I don t want it! You wanted it so bad, you keep it! The scuffling started to sound a little more violent until finally Tuffy s voice came back.
Um, sorry boss. I kind of sort of maybe had to kill him. Ish.
What?
He was about to talk! That stripper chick had cornered us with werewolves or something, and it was bad enough she had the bag
What?!
When we ran she did something that made her able to catch us, and she took the bag. Muffy didn t get a chance to say anything before I stopped him and escaped.
The headache was making it hard for him to think now, but he had to try. Fluffy and her crew had never been intended as anything more than a decoy, and the bag had only been there to add authenticity, but he had done his best to make all the things in the bag hold up to inspection. It had been easy enough to put fake versions of some of the artifacts in the bag. Rubik s Ultimate Cube, for example, didn t actually look any different from an average Rubik s Cube. Some of the items he had needed to fabricate purely from the tales he had heard since he had never seen them, such as the Omega Sword, and he had to hope that no one looked too carefully at them and caught all the little errors he had inevitably made. At least one of the mystical artifacts he had found in Caleb s place, the bizarre bag of green glowing crumbs, he hadn t even been aware existed, and he hadn t had time to put fake ones in the bag. He d had to rely on his moronic crew to finish with that.
Please tell me you at least put the additional stuff in the bags I asked, made those extra changes to make everything more realistic.
Done, Tuffy said. We did the best we could with the amount of time we had.
And you put the remaining real ones where I asked?
Absolutely.
You re sure you didn t screw up at all?
Boss, have at least some faith in us. We want this all to go down just as bad as you do. Maybe even more.
And please tell me you didn t try to use any of those damned things?
Didn t touch them. But apparently you tried to use the ones you took with you.
Yeah, well, the first time was because I panicked. The second time I didn t have a choice.
So what do you want us to do now?
Lucas sighed. I m not sure yet. No matter how much attention we paid to the details on the fakes, they ll have to figure out eventually that they don t have the real artifacts. And when they do I bet the first thing they ll try is coming here for information. I might be able to do something about them if they do, but in the mean time I might have to adjust my plans.
You mean our plans.
Our plans. Keep your cell phone nearby. I ll call you with anything I come up with. He hung up and stared at his cell for several seconds. He could see out of the corner of his eye that the customer that had come in was standing up by the counter, probably wondering where the hell the two clerks were, but Lucas couldn t care less. He didn t care about the customer, or Phil, or the store, or any of the other God-forsaken abominations on the Hill. Very soon Lucas would be done with this place, and by around three-thirty many of those things and people would be dead or destroyed anyway. Whether or not the customer had to wait didn t matter in the slightest.
What did matter was that he adapt his plans quickly. As much as he hadn t wanted to draw that sort of attention this early, it was time to start thinking about maybe killing the employees, both past and present, of the OneStop Mart Convenience Store.