New Title 4 (20 page)

One of the werewolves, a smallish teenage girl that the leader had called Snoopy, righted Caleb s chair and ripped the duct tape from around his wrists. He rubbed them as she removed the tape at his ankles, and he looked at Gloria as the leader, who according to Gloria was apparently called Fido, did the same thing for her. He d heard of the Senator Park Lunatics but had never actually met them before. They tended to keep to their own territory of the Hill and he had never had any desire to go looking for them before. He was glad now that Gloria didn t share the same attitude.

Another of the Lunatics, a young guy Fido referred to as Butch, undid Phil s tape as Caleb and Gloria stood up. Phil stood as well when he could, but he took a moment to give an unhappy look to the pile of ripped apart zombies that had been thrown behind them all. Caleb expected him to say something about it, but thankfully Phil kept his mouth shut for now. This was not the time to worry about such things.

Glad you decided to come tonight after all, Gloria said.
I got another call sometime after you left, Fido said. Same guy saying he still had the artifacts, except he also said that the Walnut Creekers would be here. I couldn t let them get a hold of all that stuff to use against us. It s lucky for you that we were running late and heard the zombies groaning on our way over. I saw you guys shimmying around in your chairs. Just what the fuck did you guys think you were doing?
We were trying to dance, Caleb said. So they would pay enough attention to us to try to kill and rip the chairs apart in the process. Wow, now that I say it like that it sounds like an even dumber plan than it did before.
Well if you could move your chairs a little and the zombies weren t really paying attention, Snoopy said, then why didn t you all just move your chairs so the backs were together and then pull off the tap on each other s wrists?
Caleb blinked, looked at Gloria, and then they both stared at Phil. Phil held his hands up in a warding-off gesture. Hey, don t look at me. I m not the only one who completely failed to think of the most logical way to escape.
Look, it doesn t matter now, Gloria said. Fido, we need your help. We think that any minute now Lucas is going to use one of the artifacts to kill everyone here.
Then let s get the fuck out of here already, Fido said. I don t know who else showed up, but if the Walnut Creekers are here I really don t give a shit how horribly they die.
Actually, Caleb said, he ll probably end up killing the whole rest of the world right along with them.
Oh, Fido said. That s kinda not cool.
Right, so we need to get going, Gloria said. It could happen at any moment now.
They re at the center pavilion, Caleb said. Come on.
They ran as fast as they could, which was actually a little too fast in the case of the five Lunatics. Gloria had to call out for them to slow down, but she kept her voice down as she did it. Caleb supposed that made sense. There was no telling if the noise they had made at the eastern pavilion had been heard at the center one, but if it hadn t then they would want their attack to be at least semi-stealthy. Caleb ran alongside Gloria and tried not to breathe too hard. If they survived this tonight he decided it might be a good idea to invest in a gym membership.
So are we actually going to have a plan this time? Caleb asked.
Why start now? Gloria said. It s not like any other plan we ve had all night worked even a little bit.
Well at least we have to figure out how we re going to get the Amulet of Water away from him first. As soon as he starts to use it we re officially screwed.
How exactly is it that someone uses the amulet, anyway? she asked.
He has to put the cord of the amulet around his neck and then say the magic words.
Which are?
We don t need no water, let the motherfucker burn.
Okay, fine. So he probably already has the amulet around his neck, right?
No, probably not. It s big, about the size of like a tea plate or something, and kind of thick. If he had it on, even underneath his shirt, people would be able to see it and know something is up.
Gloria gestured for all the Lunatics to stop and put a finger to her lips as they approached one of the hills. If Caleb had the layout of the park right, then the central pavilion would be just a short distance on the other side. He even thought he could see the head of one of the zombies poking out just slightly from over the hill, but it was turned away towards whatever was going on at the pavilion. There was a loud voice speaking that sounded like it might belong to Lucas. He seemed to have started the auction already.
Okay, Gloria whispered to Caleb. So if he wouldn t be wearing it then where would it be?
I don t have the foggiest, Caleb whispered.
Ooh, I know that one, Phil said. He had it in one of the pockets of his pants.
Pocket of his pants. Gotcha, Gloria said. So here s the plan, and hopefully this time we have one that will actually work

Thank you all for coming, Lucas said. All the people, if these things could really be called that, turned to look at him as he stood in front of the tables. He had Fluffy and Tuffy shine flashlights on him so that even the creatures without night vision could see him. He d waited a few more minutes than he should have for the Lunatics to show up, but they still hadn t made it across the park to join the gathering yet. He sent two of the zombies out to lead them here, just in case they couldn t find where the meeting was, but he hadn t been able to wait any longer. If he didn t start acting like he really intended to auction the artifacts off then some of them might start to get suspicious. Unfortunately, while he had certainly planned for this possibility, he hadn t actually prepared himself for the idea of talking in front of so much evil as though he belonged among them.

So, um, it s all here, Lucas said. Or at least most of it. I, uh, sort of had some problems with a few of the items earlier in the night, so the Confused Amulet of Fire and Rubik s Ultimate Cube will not be up for sale, but I m sure excuse me, sir. Where are you going?

A two-headed man near the back of the group had started to walk away from the crowd and towards the perimeter of zombies, but he stopped and looked back at Lucas when he spoke. Sorry, the right head said, but the only reason I came was because I heard you had the cube.

Good luck with everything else, the left head said, and then they started moving towards the edge again.

No, sir, please just stick around, Lucas said. I m sure that maybe there s something else here you might be He trailed off. This was just ridiculous.

He shouldn t have to be stammering like a nervous sales person trying desperately to make his only possible commission of the day. He was the lone hero against all these agents of depravity, and he had to make himself act like it.

He felt the urge to stick himself with the last syringe he had in his left pocket, but that wouldn t help. It would only make things worse at this stage. But he desperately wanted to do it anyway. He had to concentrate.

As the two-headed man came to the outer ring of zombies Lucas had two of them grab him by the arms. The man struggled for a moment, but the zombies proved to be stronger than whatever special abilities he might have.

Look, it s quite simple, Lucas said. I m sure everyone here understands that under the circumstances security is of the utmost importance. And for security reasons, I can t let anyone leave until the auction is over. Is that understood?

Now look here, the right head said. Do you have any idea who I am? If you don t get your thugs to unhand me

Lucas was so sick of this. So many of these things thought they were important, that they really mattered. None of them had a place in the real world, yet they refused to see that. And the urge to pull out the syringe just got so much stronger. He hated it all so much. Just hated it so much

He didn t quite realize he was giving the order to the zombies until after they followed through on it. One zombie punched right through the ear of the right head and directly into the brain. The other let go of the arm it had been holding long enough to get a grip with both hands on the upper and lower parts of the left head s mouth, then ripped the jaw right off before proceeding to start digging in the head s eyes. Lucas actually jumped at the sudden brutality of it. Maybe that hadn t been a good idea. Maybe the rest of the guests would be spooked now and try to run

He looked out on the crowd. One or two had gone pale at the gory display, but not a single one seemed to be shocked. Just further proof that they were all monsters.

Lucas had to struggle to make himself heard over the wet ripping sounds the zombies made as they dug into the man s brains. As I was saying. No one leaves until the auction is over. And since I m sure everyone would like to get back to their lives as soon as possible, let s start then. The first item we ll be bidding on tonight is the Flute of All Flesh. I m, um, sure that some of these later items you will want demonstrations of to make sure they really are what I say they are, but you ve already just seen a perfect example of what the flute

Lucas!
The word came from the top of the hill to Lucas s left, but he didn t even need to turn and look at it to realize who it was. That was the same condescending voice that had treated him like he was useless the night before. Granted, Lucas had been trying to look like he knew absolutely nothing about the Hill, but he had found himself resenting it anyway. And now the bastard was free and well, Lucas couldn t really be sure what the hell it was Caleb was doing.

Caleb stood at the top of the hill with Gloria and Phil on either side of him. When Lucas looked up all three of them started waving their hands wildly in the air at him. Hey dude, Caleb screamed. Where did you learn to tape up hostages? You suck! The other two erupted into a repeated chant of You suck! You suck! and Lucas couldn t do much more than stand there and stare in disbelief. Not only were these three the epitome of all that was wrong and evil with the Hill, but they also apparently had the emotional maturity of twelve-year olds.

Even as Lucas thought that, all three of them turned around, grabbed the backs of their pants, and mooned him.

Damn it zombies, kill them already! Lucas screamed. He didn t actually have to say it out loud, but he felt his patience going. It couldn t matter how far away the damned werewolves were now. They had to be close enough that the amulet would take them out along with everyone else, and none of the people in the crowd would notice if he pulled it out and put it on now. They were all too busy looking up at the hill and staring at the three clerks with their fraternity-reject shenanigans. He started to reach for the pocket with the amulet

Caleb pulled his pants back up and turned around just in time to see the Lunatics run through the pavilion from behind Lucas and do their part of the plan. There were zombies lurching towards the three of them now, but Caleb couldn t make himself run just yet. He was too busy trying not to laugh his ass off. The only thing that would have made this better was if Caleb himself were able to be the one doing the pantsing.

But they d all decided that it had to be the werewolves, as they were the only ones among them that would be fast enough to break past any zombies guarding the far side of the pavilion and strong enough to take on Fluffy and Tuffy. Butch and Bruiser came up around the side of the tables and tackled the two cyborgs as Fido went down the center, jumped over the tables, and landed exactly behind Lucas before grabbing the waist of his pants and yanking them down hard to reveal the exact same scorched Spongebob Squarepants boxers that Lucas had been wearing the night before. One of the other werewolves, Spot, ran up behind Sue and picked her up off the ground. Phil had asked specifically that if anyone saw her they would get her out to the way of whatever fight was inevitably about to ensue, which left only Snoopy to try gathering the artifacts on the table. From what Caleb could see, though, things were degenerating too fast for her to possibly grab them all in time.

The instant the werewolves showed up behind Lucas, the crowd erupted into chaos. He couldn t even see where the commotion began, but if what the werewolves had said was any indication it could have been from the small group of humanoid bunnies at the back of the group. There was a scream and they started to rush towards the pavilion, maybe thinking the Lunatics were trying to get the artifacts to use against them, but they weren t the only ones surging the pavilion. Half the people rushed the it while the other half scattered in all directions. The zombies all around tried to stop everyone trying to escape, they were too slow. From someone in the crowd an arc of electricity surged and cut off most of the group from the pavilion. Someone else sent out a ball of fire that slammed into two of the werebunnies, who screamed as their white fur became instantly charred black. A man wearing a suit and sunglasses who had been running away from the pavilion inexplicably bent over and started vomiting. From what Caleb could see the stuff coming out of his mouth didn t look like it had ever been food.

Gloria and Phil both finished pulling up their pants again as several of the zombies got to within a couple feet of them, and Caleb was already pulling them back over the hill. Come on, we should go down and around and back towards the pavilion, Caleb said. Neither of them tried to argue. They both followed him back to the bottom of the hill, getting plenty of distance on the zombies before Gloria took the lead.

I think I saw our duffel bags heaped over at the far end, she said. Caleb let her go first. He looked back up the hill to see several lightning bolts shoot up into the sky followed by some multi-colored blast that hurt his eyes to look at. Some of the screaming had stopped, but the cacophony of sounds that was replacing it didn t sound much better. The plan had been to cause a distraction and a little bit of chaos, but with so many deadly artifacts still over there just waiting to be grabbed by any one of those people, it was possible this was just a little too much chaos.

Lucas only had a second to try to react as the werewolf bitch yanked his pants down around his ankles. Then the second was gone and she pulled them out from under him, sending him sprawling face first to the concrete floor. He tried to scream as his nose broke, but the blood gushing from it already choked him up too much for the sound to come out. He wasn t going to let them stop him, not now. He d come so close to finally wiping these God-forsaken people from the face of the Earth and he wasn t going to let ridiculous high school pranks like this keep him from giving everyone the karma they had coming.