Nikki's Heart (3 page)

“You look ridiculous, Nikki. Shut your mouth,” My mother said. “Don’t pretend you didn’t notice the way she looked at me; you were watching her.”

I laughed. I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I couldn’t help it. Her eyes got wide as she looked at me. “Sorry,” I lied. “She only glared at you like that because of the imprint of your hand on my face.”

“You told her?”

“Yeah, I told her, Mom. I got in the car and said, ‘Can you believe this shit?’ Of course I didn’t tell her. I didn’t have to, it was obvious.”

Evidently my mother had nothing more to say. She walked off, slamming the door behind her. I sat there for a few minutes with my hand over my mouth, trying not to laugh.

November 23

He loves me!

Tonight Cody told me he loves me. I feel as though I have been waiting my whole life, just to hear him say those three words. If only everything in the world could be this perfect.

I love him, too. I’ve known it for a while, maybe even from the first moment I saw him. He makes my horrible world happy. He makes me feel beautiful, smart, and special. I’ve never loved anyone this way before, and I am sure I will never love this way again.

Cody, you are my world. I am nothing without you.

Nothing.

November 24

I can’t believe it; my parents are actually fighting. They go years without speaking and when they finally do, it’s to argue.

Every year I spend Thanksgiving with Mandi and Dad. For some reason though, my mom wants me here this year. It’s stupid really, since she never does anything special. My mom is still burning about that thing with Mandi, though; I imagine that is what it is all about.

Now they’ve decided to leave it up to me. They say they want to be fair. They say I am old enough to decide where I want to be. “It’s up to you, Nikki; we won’t go against your decision.” At church tonight, we talked about being thankful for what we have and not dwelling on the things we don’t. I should be thankful both of my parents want to spend the holiday with me, even though they don’t want to spend it together. Does it count when my mother is only trying to get revenge? I should be thankful they leave the final decision up to me, even though they are only fooling themselves. It doesn’t matter which place I choose; one of them will be unhappy and hurt.

After church, Cody took my hand. “What is it, Nikki? What’s bothering you tonight?”

“It’s nothing really,” I answered. “Just something I have to work out myself.”

In my mom’s driveway, he put his arms around me and held me tight. I wrapped my arms around his neck, wishing we could be this way forever. I wish I didn’t always feel like crying when he held me close like that. I just feel like it’s okay to let myself go and cry my heart out to him. But I can’t do that. What would he say if he knew how things really were in my house?

“I know it’s short notice and everything,” Cody said. “Mom and I were wondering if you might want to come over on Thanksgiving.”

Sometimes I swear he can read my mind.

“We know you probably have at least two dinners to eat. Mom said you could pick the time if you want, and we’ll wait on you. Anyway it’s whatever; don’t feel bad if you can’t make it. We just wanted you to know we would love to have you,” he said gently.

I was touched. “Would it be okay if I give you an answer in a little while?”

His face lit up. “Absolutely.”

I went straight to room and called my stepmother. I told Mandi how unfair I thought Mom and Dad were being, and that Cody had now asked me, too. Now I had three invitations, and I had no idea what to do. At least Cody mentioned going to his house after I went everywhere else. My parents couldn’t even do that, and it made so much sense.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I think no matter what I do, it’ll be the wrong thing. Whoever gets left out will be hurt. Except Cody and Trish, of course.”

“I think you’re right,” she answered. “Nikki, I would love to have you here, just like every year. More important though, I want you to be happy. Go where you want to go, and if your mom and dad don’t like it, remind them they left it up to you.”

I called Cody and accepted his invitation.

November 25

It was a wonderful day! Cody and Trish made me feel like I had been having holiday dinners there forever.

I am thankful for Cody. I am thankful for his wonderful mother. I am thankful for Mandi, who never seems to take sides. And who always treats me like I am her daughter, even though I’m not.

I am thankful for Dad, who loves me unconditionally.

I try so hard to be thankful for my mother. It’s not easy when she’s not thankful for me. Actually, she’s not even talking to me right now.

How small and petty and selfish can she be?

November 30

Will my mother ever regret the way she treats me? When she is old and needing someone to take care of her maybe? Or maybe when she has grandchildren to impress? Will she be wonderful to them, hoping it will somehow make things better between us?

December 3

Tonight I did the unthinkable. I told Cody everything about my mother. I told him how we fight, and how I can’t stand her. I even told him about how she hits me.

I told him because I have had enough. I can’t take anymore. And I told him because of the huge blow up we had just before he picked me up. My mother has not said much of anything to me since Thanksgiving. She would ask if I needed anything from the store or if anyone called while she was out. But there was no conversation and no sitting down for dinner together.

Tonight she walked into my room while I was getting ready for my date. I was standing in front of my mirror, buttoning my light blue shirt. She stood there for a minute, staring at my blue and black stretch miniskirt.

“Where are you going?” I could tell she was drunk by the tone of her voice.

“Out with Cody.”

“Dressed like that?” I looked in the mirror. There was nothing wrong with my outfit. I would have been comfortable wearing it to church.

“You look like a tramp.”

“Gee thanks, Mom.”

“Where did you get that trashy skirt?”

I smiled coldly at her. “You bought it for me.”

“Well take it off, it looks sluttish.”

“I will not take it off, it looks fine.” I was hoping she would just go away. Instead, she came all of the way into the room. She was on me before I even knew what was happening. She grabbed my shoulder and threw me to the floor. I screamed as my hip slammed into my vanity table.

“Take it off,” My mother yelled. Her face was inches from mine. I turned away as she tried to smack my cheek; she got my ear instead. My head was filled with a ringing, and white spots danced in front of my eyes. She kept hitting me over and over again.

“Mom, stop!” I screamed. “Stop, you’re hurting me!”

But she didn’t stop. She grabbed me by my shirt and lifted me off of the floor, only to push me back down again. My head bounced off of the floor once, twice, three times. I was going to black out. The whole world was going black. I was sure she wouldn’t stop until she killed me.

I was screaming and screaming, but she wouldn’t stop. Somehow I managed to get my arms up, and I shoved her as hard as I could. She flew backwards into my vanity table, smacking her head on the chair. I jumped off of the floor before she could recover and ran for the door.

That’s when I saw Chris. He was standing there, leaning on the door with a beer in his hand. There was a disgusting smile on his face. Suddenly I was filled with rage. How could he just stand there while she did that to me? Why hadn’t he tried to stop her? I ran for the door, ready to hit him if he didn’t move. He casually stepped out of the way. I ran out of the house and up the street, sure my mother would follow me.

I ran to the end of the next block before I stopped. I looked over my shoulder, expecting my mother to tackle me to the ground. She wasn’t following me; the block was empty.

I bent over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. The cold air slashed at my lungs like a sharp knife, and my whole body was trembling. It was thirty-two degrees outside, and I wasn’t wearing a coat or shoes. God, I was cold. I just stood there shivering, too cold to move. Suddenly there were headlights in my face. I felt like a trapped deer, I couldn’t move. I just knew it was my mother, even though it was coming from the other direction, and I was convinced she was going to run me over. Still I couldn’t move. The car came up beside me, and the driver slammed on the brakes.

I screamed.

“Nikki? Oh my God, Nikki, what’s wrong?” It was Cody. He was beside me, putting his arms around me. “Are you okay? Nikki, what happened?”

I buried my face in his shoulder and bawled. He struggled out of his coat without letting me go and wrapped it around me.

“We have to go,” I whimpered. “We have to get out of here before she comes.”

Somehow he got me in the car, and wrapped his jacket around me. He climbed in the front seat and adjusted the heat to full blast. He said nothing as he put the car in gear and drove away. He pulled into the park and turned to me.

“Tell me, Nikki,” he said softly. “I want to know everything.”

It’s getting dark outside; the words are harder to see. I tap the touch lamp on my nightstand, filling the room with light. There are wet spots on the journal and when I touch my cheek, I feel tears. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

The memory of that night is still fresh in my mind. I can almost feel the ache in my chest and the pounding in my head as I spilled it all to Cody. I can practically smell his cologne, as when my face was buried in his shoulder. He held me so tight that night, trying to make sense out of what I was saying.

When I had spilled my heart and could control my sobs, I looked up at him. His beautiful grey eyes were dark with anger, and his jaw was clenched. For a moment I had been afraid of him, even though I knew he wasn’t angry with me. He grabbed me and held me to his chest, and he was crying, too.

I will never forget how wonderful his arms felt that night. I felt so safe with him. I savored the way his heart beat against my cheek. I will never be able to erase that powerful feeling of love from my mind.

It was at that moment I realized how much I loved Cody. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Most people say I am too young to experience true love. They say I will experience love hundreds of times before I get married. That is not true, though. Cody was my soul mate. I knew it, and so did he. We were meant to be together. We were meant to be one.

As I sit on my bed with fresh tears running down my cheeks, I know this. When Cody left, he took my heart with him. He also took my will to live and every ounce of happiness I have ever known. I may be normal again someday, and maybe I will even get married. I will never forget him, though. I will never love anyone as completely as I loved Cody. As I
love
Cody.

I’ve never told anyone this, but sometimes I dream about Cody. He’s just as I remember him, and we sit and talk like he never left. He tells me I should go on with my life and that he’s worried about the way I am always sad. I cry and tell him I don’t want to go on without him, and then he cries, too. We talk like he is still here. We discuss everything.

When I wake from these dreams, I’m so excited! I can’t wait to pick up the phone and call him. Sometimes I even get out of bed and grab the phone, before I realize it was just a dream. Then everything comes rushing back to me, and suddenly I’m empty. I sit and cry my heart out. For days I am depressed and alone. The pain of losing him is fresh all over again.

My life had meaning when Cody was in it. I could handle those horrible moments with my mother because I knew he would make me feel better. Now I have nothing. No reason to care.

I pick the journal up and force myself to read. I cannot linger on such dark thoughts.

December 5

I wonder how long I will be able to hide from my mother. I should be home now, doing my homework for tomorrow. I don’t know why I didn’t grab my backpack yesterday when I went to get clothes. I guess I just wanted to get out of there before Mom showed up. At least I grabbed my journal.

I am at my dad’s house. I have been hiding here in my room since I got here. I told Mandi I didn’t feel well, so she has kept everyone away. She doesn’t believe me, though; I can tell by the way she looks at me.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell Mandi everything. What a relief it would be. I can’t do that, though; she would feel like she had to tell my dad, and he would have a coronary or something. I know he would come down on my mom. I know she deserves to have that happen, but what would happen to me? I would be forced to move in here. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and Mandi and the twins. But this isn’t my home. Things are so different here. My dad is always worried about me when I am here, like he is afraid I might not come back if I’m unhappy. He acts different to the twins when I’m around, too, as though I might get jealous. I know that bothers Mandi, even though she tries not to show it. Maybe if I didn’t like Mandi, I wouldn’t care. I do like her, though, a lot. I don’t want to disrupt their lives.

December 6

My mom called last night to find out why I hadn’t come home yet. Mandi told her I was in bed sick, and of course Mom didn’t believe that. Why should she, though? It’s her fault I’m still here. She knows that. She told Mandi I better be home by the time she gets off work today, or she would come and get me. Mandi was mad. She told Mom I would be there if that was what I wanted and slammed the phone down. I wish she wouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t say anything. Mandi said I could stay as long as I want, whether my mom likes it or not. It was almost like she was daring Mom to show up. I made her bring me home anyway.

So I am once again hiding in my bedroom, waiting for the wrath of my mother. It is nine-thirty at night, and she still hasn’t made it home. Not that I’m complaining.

My homework is done, and I am already in bed. I skipped school today, but I know my mom will make me go tomorrow.

December 7

Mom charged into my room around one o’clock this morning with enough force to wake the dead. I forced myself not to move and keep my eyes closed. I expected her to wake me up, but she didn’t. She stood in the doorway watching me sleep for a few minutes, and then she just left. I snuggled deeper under the covers and cried myself to sleep.

When I got up this morning, she was gone. She isn’t here now either, which is perfect for me. With any luck, she will avoid me forever.

December 10

Mom came home drunk tonight and looking for a fight. I know, what a surprise. I called Cody and asked him to meet me at the gas station a few blocks from here. I packed a bag and snuck out of my bedroom window. My mom probably had a fit when she realized I disappeared. I hope she doesn’t figure out how I went out, because she would probably put bars on all of the windows.

I am at my dad’s house now, and I am sure my mom will be calling to make sure. Cody stayed with me for a long time, and he only left when he was sure I wouldn’t go back home.

Mandi invited Cody back tomorrow, to help decorate the Christmas tree. Of course he accepted. Wasn’t that sweet of her to include him in our family like that?

December 11

Can you believe Mandi bought a stocking for Cody? I mean, how sweet is that? And Cody showed up holding a plate full of fresh baked cookies. He claimed to have spent the afternoon baking them with his mom. I would have loved to see that.

Mandi is just great around Christmastime. She goes way out with the decorations. She even has Christmas dishes and towels! And she has a tradition for when we decorate the tree. She makes hot chocolate for everyone, and puts a candy cane in it. We all sip hot chocolate and eat cookies while we work on the tree. Last year the twins had their hot chocolate in their bottles, this year it is their sippy cups.

We had a lot of fun tonight. It was great watching Jaren and Jena get excited over little decorations. We had to lift them up to reach the high spots. Jena spent a half an hour wearing icicles as her hair.

“I didn’t want to say anything in there, but have you heard from your mom?” Cody asked when I walked him to his car later.

“No, believe it or not she hasn’t called.”

“I guess that works, huh? My mom wants you to help us do our tree tomorrow, too, if you’re not busy. We always bake cookies at the same time, and I think she’s secretly hoping you will be better at it. She says I’m like a two-year-old when it comes to baking cookies. Can I help it cookie dough tastes so good?” He was laughing, and I love that lopsided smile of his.

So tomorrow I get to decorate another tree. I wonder when Mom will want to put ours up.

December 12

It was a great weekend. I had a ball at Cody’s house. Trish and I had a wonderful time baking cookies, even though we had to keep smacking Cody’s hands. I’ve never seen anyone eat that much cookie dough. I am surprised it didn’t make him sick.

They have the coolest tree; it is actually twelve feet tall! I have never seen a tree that big in someone’s house. Cody had to climb this huge ladder, to get the angel on top. It has to be the most beautiful tree I have ever seen.

But all good things must come to an end right? Now I am back home, where I found my mother passed out on the couch and Chris sitting in a chair holding a bottle of Jack. He was deeply engrossed in the football game. Thankfully he barely looked up when I came in. I came straight to my room and locked the door. For good measure, I also wedged a chair under the door.

Maybe if I focus on the good things about this weekend, I can forget about the drunks in the living room. Maybe I will be able to sleep without worrying about my mother barging into my room.

December 16

It has been almost two weeks since my mother and I have had any kind of conversation. It is hard to believe we never run into each other, even on accident. Once in a while she comes into my room in the middle of the night. When this happens, I stay completely still and pretend I am asleep. Usually she leaves once she realizes I’m asleep. Sometimes though, she stands there watching me. That is the scariest thing. I don’t know what she is thinking, and I am afraid she is going to drag me out of the bed or start screaming at me. Always when she is gone, I jump up and lock the door. I wonder if she knows I’m afraid of her. If she does, does it make her sad?

Cody does not want to leave me at my house every afternoon. He is afraid my mother is going to just blow up when I walk in the door. He thinks she has a serious mental problem or something. I really can’t argue with him. I think there is something wrong with her, too. Also I think it is past time for a fight, and every day I am scared it is going to happen. I am spending the weekend at my dad’s house because I am afraid to stay home all weekend. During the week, at least I have school, and she has work. On the weekends, though, we are both at home. Hopefully I can get through one more day, and then I can go to Dad’s.

I wonder if Dad and Mandi wonder why I have been spending every weekend at their house. If they do, they haven’t asked me about it. I used to only go there every other weekend. That was before my mother turned into a raging alcoholic, though.

December 17

The craziest thing happened at my house last night. About two o’clock this morning, I was woken up by the doorbell. I climbed out of bed and looked out of the window. There was a police car parked in the driveway. My heart fell to my toes, and I practically ran through the house. There were two policemen standing on the porch, with my mother between them. They were literally holding her up.

“Do you know this woman?” One of them asked.

I nodded. “She’s my mother.” The other officer was looking at me sympathetically.

“Is your father here?”

“He doesn’t live here.”

“We found her passed out in front of the Sports Bar. Her I.D. gave this as her address.”

“She was passed out outside?” How embarrassing.

“Yes ma’am. We asked around, but no one claimed to be with her.” That was odd wasn’t it? She usually went out with someone. Well, she used to anyway. Nothing is the same anymore.

“Where is her car?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” The first cop said. “It’s a good thing she wasn’t driving it, though. She might have killed someone.”

I nodded and moved out of the way. They put her gently on the couch; one of them even put a pillow under her head. They were nicer than I would have been. I could only stand there looking at her, full of disgust. I was embarrassed to be her daughter right then.

“You’ll be alright?” one of the officers asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Does she do this often?”

“Well no, she usually makes it home before passing out.” They caught my sarcasm.

“Maybe she should get some help.”

“I’ll be sure to mention that when she wakes up,” I answered dryly.

“Look, we know how hard it is to help someone who doesn’t want help,” the first one said gently. “If we find her like that again, we’ll be forced to put her in the hospital.”

I nodded. That would be the only way she would get help, but there was no point in telling them that. They probably knew it already.

“How old are you?” one of them asked.

“Sixteen.” He pulled a card from his wallet. “Hold on to this, and if you need anything, give us call.”

I nodded, and led them to the door. When they were finally gone, I returned to the couch. For a minute I looked at the card in my hand. What could he expect to happen that I would need to call? It scared me. I watched my mother. She was all sprawled out on the couch, with her mouth hanging open. There was a wet spot on the front of her sweater, and she smelled like a brewery. I didn’t even have to be close to her to smell the alcohol this time. Her lipstick was smeared all of the way to her chin, and she had smudges of black makeup under her eyes. She was disgusting to look at. Man, she sure knows how to make a daughter proud.

How could she let herself get so drunk she passed out in front of a bar? What kind of woman even gets that drunk in public? And who was she with; did she actually go to the bar by herself? Or did whomever she was with abandon her there when she got trashed?