Nikki's Heart (5 page)

December 25

Mom woke me up at eight o’clock this morning. So I guess I got about two and a half hours of sleep. If I hadn’t been so tired, I probably would have strangled her. She was so happy and excited.

“Get up, Nikki, it’s Christmas,” she laughed. “You must have been a good girl this year, because that doesn’t look like coal under the tree.”

I forced myself not to groan or roll my eyes as I crawled out of bed. And once I was on my feet, I forced myself not to wrap my hands around her throat. I told myself the least I could do was make it a nice Christmas. She was obviously trying to do the same. So I plastered a stupid smile on my face and followed her into the living room.

I couldn’t believe there were actually about ten presents under the tree, not counting the two I had for her. Most years our little tree looked like something out of a Charlie Brown cartoon, since there were only two of us.

“See? I told you someone was a good girl this year.” I could tell she was proud of herself.

I sat on the floor by the tree where I knew she wanted me and waited for her to get the camera. After she had a couple of pictures, she handed me gifts one at a time. I opened them, making sure to show the expected amount of excitement over each one. I actually was surprised, really. There was a gold watch and some jeans. She even got me this pair of boots I had been wanting. When I showed them to her in the store, she acted like she hated them.

Finally I took the camera and handed her the gifts from me. She opened the big one first, which was an espresso machine. She squealed with delight. My mother loves cappuccinos and lattes, so I knew she would like that gift. She was ready to run off to the kitchen and get started right then.

I pointed at the other gift beside her. It was very small. I held my breath as she started to open it. I was shaking as I held the camera. It was important to me that she liked this one.

“Oh my gosh,” she whispered as she opened the box. “Oh, Nikki, it’s beautiful.”

She looked up, and I snapped the picture. She was smiling, but there were tears on her cheeks. I knew she liked it, and I released my breath. I watched her take the ring out of the box and put it on her finger. It is a 14 karat gold ring, with letters that spell out mom. The O is shaped like a heart, and in the middle of it is a pink stone. The stone is pink zirconium, and it is my birthstone.

Mom got off the couch, and wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you, Nikki, it is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever given me.”

I hugged her back, truly believing she meant it.

We went to the kitchen to make breakfast and try out her new coffee machine.

I have wanted to buy a mothers ring for her for a long time. One year I actually asked my dad to buy her one. He said it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to spend that kind of money on his ex-wife. When I turned thirteen, Mom started giving me spending money out of her monthly child support checks. I saved hard for that ring. I am so happy she likes it. Several times today I actually caught her admiring it.

And to think I almost didn’t buy it for her this year.

The icing on this Christmas, though: my mother didn’t touch any alcohol at all!

Merry Christmas!

January 1

Happy New Year!

It is exactly 1:07 in the morning on January 1.

I brought the New Year in with the sweetest kiss of my whole life. Cody and I sat at his house and watched the ball drop in New York City.

I don’t know where my mom is tonight; she didn’t tell me where she was going. She has been pretty happy since Christmas, though. I hope it lasts at least a little longer.

I hope she is safe, wherever she is tonight.

January 2

Mom still hasn’t come home, and I am starting to get worried. I don’t know why she can’t at least call when she’s on a binge. I should have bought her a cell phone for Christmas.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who she went out with. Maybe I should call Lisa? I wish I could call Mandi; I am sure she would know what to do. The only problem with that is she would be furious with my mom for leaving me alone for days at a time. She would probably come over, which would be bad if Mom showed up.

I am so sick of this. Why does she do this to me? Doesn’t she know I worry when she disappears? Doesn’t she know I am awake all night, pacing the floor? Can’t she see what she is doing to me? She is tearing me up, wearing me out.

I am going to find the card that policeman gave me, and if she’s not home by tomorrow, I will call him.

January 3

It’s Monday, and I was supposed to go back to school today. I was so tired this morning, I could hardly move. I’ve only had about three hours sleep in the last few days. I can’t go on like this.

Mom showed up at nine o’clock tonight. I was actually standing by the phone, with that card in my hand when she walked in. She staggered through the door, a total mess. Her hair was greasy and uncombed. Her makeup was smudged under her eyes. Her clothes were wrinkled and dirty, and she smelled horrible. A combination of sweat, beer, and cigarette smoke.

I was rushing to the front door until her appearance stopped me dead in my tracks. I had been so happy to see her, I was about to throw my arms around her.

“Where have you been?” I demanded.

She looked at me blankly for a second, then her face clouded over. “Excuse me?”

“I asked where you were. I have been worried sick,” I answered. My eyes filled with tears, and I bit my lip to keep them back.

“Don’t go soft on me now, Nichole,” she sneered. “Don’t pretend to suddenly give a damn.”

My mouth dropped open. How dare she be that way!

She stumbled to the couch and dropped down. I watched her bury her face in her hands and cry. I knelt down in front of her, and put my hand on her knee.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

She looked up and shoved my hand away. “What in the hell do you care?”

I got up and came to my room. Finally I fell on my bed and cried. Why is she like this? Why? Do I deserve this? Oh God, please help me. Please save me from her. I can’t do this anymore. Oh God, I am just so tired.

January 7

My mother needs help. If she doesn’t get help, she is going to die. She doesn’t eat, and she hasn’t been going to work. Maybe she lost her job. All she does is drink and sleep, and drink some more. She won’t talk to me. She won’t even look at me if she can help it.

What am I going to do? I am afraid every time I leave her she will be dead by the time I get home. The fear I feel when I open the door is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It almost paralyzes me. My heart beats so hard it pounds in my ears, and my whole body breaks out in a sweat.

What am I going to do?

January 8

I am so alone.

And I am so tired.

January 9

Cody came over tonight. I have not seen him since New Years, and he was worried. I didn’t want him to come inside, so I tried to keep him on the porch. He finally grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house.

My mom was on the couch, passed out with a bottle of rum beside her. She was wearing the same bathrobe she has been in for a week. I thought I would die of embarrassment.

Cody looked at her for a minute, then turned to me. He reached out and gently turned my face towards his. I couldn’t look away.

“I want to know what’s going on, Nikki,” he whispered. “I want to know now.

I led him to my bedroom and closed the door. He held out his arms, and I went to him. I buried my face in his chest, choking back a sob. When he wrapped his strong arms around me, I began to cry. For a long time he held me, and I cried an ocean of tears.

Finally when I ran out of tears, I told him. He already knew the basics of course, that my mom is a raging alcoholic. Now I told him about Christmas and New Years. I told him how she’s become since she came home after New Years. I told him about my fear of leaving her alone, in case she might be dead when I get home.

His sigh was so long and his eyes were so sad, I thought he was going to cry. He held my hand and brushed the hair out of my face. I know I looked like hell, but he didn’t seem to care.

I was so exhausted from crying. I was so tired from babysitting my mother. I eventually fell asleep in Cody’s arms. When I woke up several hours later, I was laying on my bed with the covers pulled over me. Cody was on my window seat, looking out at the night. As soon as he heard me sit up, he jumped to his feet.

“You’re awake.” He smiled at me.

“I’m awake.” I was suddenly insecure. I said a silent prayer that my mom was still passed out on the couch. Only horrible things could come out of her finding him in my bedroom.

Once again he read my mind. “She’s gone. She got up a couple of hours ago and left with some woman.”

“Oh God, did she see you in here?”

“Don’t worry, Nikki, she barely even noticed my car in the driveway.”

I sighed with relief. “Did you see what the woman she left with looked like?”

“Washed up, burned out blonde—ring any bells?”

I laughed. “Sounds just like Lisa.” His description perfectly fit Lisa and my mom. That’s exactly what they are—washed up, burned out blondes. That is all they will ever be.

January 14

Mom was gone for three days again. It is always when I am ready to report her missing that she comes home. It is almost like she knows her time limit. I gave up on pacing the floor and running to the door every time a car goes by. I have a life to live, too.

January 15

Cody took me out tonight and gave me the princess treatment. He showed up at my door holding a half a dozen roses. He opened the car door for me and he took me to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. The waiter actually held my chair out for me.

While we waited for our meal, Cody pulled a small wrapped box out of his jacket. He handed it to me, and I ran my finger over the gold foil paper. I was confused, embarrassed by all of the unexpected attention. He must have seen that on my face.

“Go ahead, Nikki, open it.”

I carefully took off the paper, not wanting to tear it. When I lifted the lid from the box, I gasped. Inside was a beautiful silver bracelet. It is hard to describe, but I will try. It is very thin, and it is all one long piece of silver. The silver bends and loops around to spell my name.

I looked into his smiling face. “What is all this for?”

“Because you are beautiful, and I love you,” was his only answer.

How could I be lucky enough to have Cody? I have never done anything to deserve such wonderful love. I am so blessed. Thank you, God, for bringing us together. I know I don’t deserve him, but please don’t take him away from me.

“Nikki?” I am snapped out of my reverie by the knock on my door. “Nichole, open this door right now.”

There is no way to avoid her now; she knows I am home. I reluctantly open the door and let her in. The smell of her perfume pushes into the room. Fire and Ice—fitting, don’t you think?

“Why are you hiding in your room with the door locked?” She looks concerned. It is a new emotion for her. I shrug my shoulders. I hardly ever speak to her. Only when I absolutely have to. “Are you okay?” she asks. “Why are your eyes so red and swollen, Nikki? Have you been crying?” I shift my gaze to the floor, but she grabs my face and turns it back up. “Did you go to counseling today?”

I nod my head, which is still in her hand.

“How did it go?” she asks. I wonder if she really cares. Maybe part of her therapy is to ask about mine.

I shrug my shoulders again. Annoyance flashes across her face.

“Talk to me, Nichole,” she says. “You can’t ignore me forever.”

“What do you want me to say?” I ask quietly. The words feel scratchy in my throat.

“Anything, Nikki! I would be happy if you would just say anything at all.” Her eyes are full of tears. I watch as a tear escapes and slides down her cheek. It leaves a line through her makeup and lingers on her jaw for a moment before falling on her T-shirt.

She finally releases my chin, and my head automatically drops. I focus on her Nikes.

“Have you been taking your medicine?”

I nod. My doctor put me on Elavil a couple of months ago. It is an antidepressant, and it is supposed to make me feel better; it doesn’t. Nothing can mend my broken heart.

My mom grabs my arm and leads me to my window seat. She sits down and pulls me with her.

“Come on, Nichole, please. I need you to talk to me. I want to do the right thing. I want to help you.”

My eyes fill, and I try to hide my face in my hands. My mother grabs me and pulls me to her chest.

There was a time in my life when I wanted my mother to do the right thing. I needed to talk to her for a really long time. That time is past. I need her no longer. I need no one. Where was she when I needed her? Where was she when I wanted her to love me? My sobs are uncontrollable. My whole body shakes against her chest. I can feel her heart thundering against my forehead. Fire and Ice fills my lungs.

“Oh God, Nikki.” Her voice is cracked. She is crying with me. Or maybe she is crying for me. “Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry. Oh God, I am sorry.”

For a while we cry against each other. Anyone looking in from the street would think we were crazy. Maybe we are. I do not think I am insane. I’m just lost. I am lost and alone in the middle of all of these people.

My mother pushes me back, so she can look at my face. Her makeup is smeared under her eyes.

“What have I done to you?” she whispers. I know she isn’t waiting for an answer. I force myself to hold her gaze, to look into her eyes.

“We will get over this, Nikki,” she promises. “I will not stop trying until we overcome this.”

I watch her leave the room without saying a word. I wish I could cry out to her, to beg her to stay with me. I can’t, though. I cannot bring myself to ask my mother for help. I cannot ask my mother for anything at all.

When she is gone, I move to my vanity table. The face staring back at me is not mine. Whoever she is, she looks broken. The black circles under her red eyes are horrible. There is no life in that face. It is the face of a porcelain doll.

How can a face be so empty?

I reach for the broken heart hanging around my neck. I raise it to my lips, and kiss Cody’s name on the back.

The Lord watch

Between me and thee

While we are absent

One from another

I whisper this softly. I know Cody is watching over me, and for him I manage a small, sad smile.

January 17

Today when I checked the mail I found an envelope addressed to me. There was no return address, but I knew immediately it was from Cody by the handwriting. I hurried inside and dropped my backpack, excited yet nervous. I couldn’t imagine why he would send me a letter, especially since he just dropped me off from school.

I tore open the envelope, and a folded piece of red paper fell to the floor. When I unfolded it, it became a heart.

The Lord watch

Between me and thee

While we are absent

One from another

Love, Cody

That’s all it said, but it was more than enough.

January 22

If I never love again, I will be content to have loved. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy to have lived through this week.

Every day this week, there has been something waiting for me in the mailbox. It was never anything big or even expensive, but it was always something special. After the red heart, it was a Hershey’s Kiss. Then there was a heart made out of pipe cleaners, a drawing of our two names intertwined together, and a ring from a gumball machine that says I Love You. Today there was a single red rose, and a CD. There was only one song on the CD, “Lovesong,” by Adele.

I have never felt so special and so loved. I have never looked forward to tomorrow, as I have this week. I wish I could wrap my arms around Cody and never let go.

January 23

Isn’t it amazing how quickly things can go from perfect to horrible? Isn’t it sad how a whole week of happiness can be put aside in an instant? Isn’t it unfair that it keeps happening to us?

I was startled out of sleep by someone banging on the front door. I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. Lisa’s car was parked in the driveway.

Lisa was pounding on the door with one hand and holding my mother with the other. She moved past me and dropped my mother roughly on the couch.

“Don’t just stand there, you better get a bucket,” Lisa barked at me. “She’s been barfing all over the place. And you might get something to wipe this blood up with.”

I was frozen to the floor with my mouth hanging open, staring at my mom. I thought I was going to be sick. Her face was covered in blood, and so was the front of her shirt. Her right eye was swollen shut, already black and blue. There was a nasty cut on her forehead and another one on her lip. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much blood.

“Nichole, did you hear me?” Lisa yelled.

I snapped back to reality. Suddenly I was pissed off. “What happened to her?” I demanded.

“Don’t ask stupid questions, do what I said.”

I spun towards Lisa, my anger boiling. I lowered my voice to a dangerous level. “I asked you a question, Lisa. What in the hell happened to my mother?”

She finally realized I was serious. “She got in a fight. That guy she’s been seeing, Chris? He did this to her.”

“Why?” I was floored. Why would her boyfriend beat her up?

“I don’t know, Nichole. She stays there sometimes. She called and asked me to go get her. This is how I found her.”

“Did you call the police?” I asked. “Did you have him arrested?”

“No, I didn’t call the cops—it’s not my problem. I picked her up; I got her out of there. That’s what she wanted.”

“Get out,” I demanded through clenched teeth.

“What?” Disbelief.

“Get the hell out,” I repeated. “And as far as I’m concerned, don’t come back.” She stared at me for a minute, then walked to the door.

“Your mom needs help, Nichole. The next bastard she hooks up with might just kill her.”

I closed the door behind her, and went straight for the phone. I dialed the number without thinking about it.

“Hello?” His voice was groggy. I woke him up. It was after two in the morning.

“I need help,” I sobbed into the phone.

“Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes, Nikki.” I sat on the floor, buried my face in my knees, and cried.

A little while later, I heard a car screech into the driveway. Cody burst into the room.

“Oh my God.” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw my mother. “Nikki?”

I stood up; he hadn’t seen me on the floor. “I’m here.”

He rushed over and wrapped his arms around me. “Oh thank God. Are you okay? What happened to your mom? Is she breathing?”

All of his questions, and I could only bury my face in his chest. I think I nodded a couple of times, but I don’t think he noticed. He was holding me so tight.

Finally we pulled apart, and he took control.

“Do you have a couple of old rags? And maybe a pan of warm water? We’ll clean her up and see if she needs to go to the hospital.”

Together we gathered everything we needed. Together we cleaned and bandaged my mother. She woke up once and looked at us, confused. She didn’t say anything, and we kept working as she watched. Her gaze rested on Cody, and he gave her a soft smile. Her eyes filled with tears.

Once we had all of the blood cleaned up, Mom didn’t look as bad. We didn’t think she needed stitches, although the cut on her forehead would probably leave an ugly scar.

Cody and I sat by her side for the rest of the night. I finally dozed off with my head in his lap. When I woke up, it was just starting to get light outside. Cody needed to get home, no matter how much I wanted him to stay.

“Nikki, I know it’s not my place to say this, but your mom needs help.” He looked embarrassed.

“I know,” I answered. “I really do. Thanks for coming like that, Cody. I needed you.”

He gave me a kiss. “I’m always here for you, no matter what.”

“I’m going to talk to her. Pray for me.” He smiled. “I always pray for you, Love.”

January 24

Okay, that did not go at all as I had planned. I spent hours working through exactly what I was going to say. I knew exactly what tone of voice I would use. I had it all planned out.

Here’s what happened.

Mom woke up around noon, with a huge hangover and a massive headache. I was sitting on the floor, my back against the couch. I had not left her side since Lisa brought her home for more than five minutes. She did not seem at all thankful for my effort. She sat up, accidentally (I hope) catching the back of my head with her knee.

“Damn, Nikki, why are you sitting there?”

She immediately grabbed her head with both hands, moaning. Unfortunately when she did that, she smacked the bandage on her forehead.

“What the hell?”

Thankfully I had moved by then, because she probably would have run me over. She sprung off of the couch and bolted to the bathroom. I could hear her getting sick, and I prayed she made it to the toilet in time.

“Oh my gosh,” I heard a few minutes later. “What happened? Oh no, that bastard. That stupid bastard.”

I heard her sobbing, so I went down the hall to the bathroom. I wanted to help her. Remember, I know what it feels like to have the snot beat out of you. I stayed right outside the door, wanting a clean escape route if I needed one.

“How did I get here?” she asked when she saw me.

“Lisa.”

“Damn, this shirt is ruined.” I couldn’t believe she made a comment on the shirt. What about her face for crying out loud? It is pretty much ruined, too.

“Are you going to call the police?”

I don’t know why I asked that. It certainly wasn’t part of my long rehearsed lecture. Not only that, it was stupid.

“Am I going to what?” If looks could kill, I’d be dead.

“Nothing,” I mumbled.

“Why would I do that?” she asked. “So he’d have a reason to come after me again?” I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk to her about getting help. At least not today. That much was obvious. I also know she is not going to do anything to Chris. This makes me sick. How can you let someone do that to you and let it go? In my opinion, not doing anything only tells him it’s okay to do it again.

January 28

The swelling on Mom’s face is finally going down. Not that she would notice. I doubt she is feeling any pain with all of that alcohol in her system. She’s even too drunk to be mean. Chris hasn’t been around though; that’s a good thing.

Cody comes over every day. He insists on coming inside with me every afternoon when school is over. He just wants to make sure everything is okay. He wants to know I am safe. I can appreciate that.

January 30

I attempted to spend the weekend at my dad’s house. I needed a break from my mom. I am so sick of babysitting her.

I was only gone for an hour the first time she called. Mandi and I were at Walmart, buying stuff to make tacos. “Oh my gosh, Nikki, where are you?” She sounded nervous, freaked out.

“Mom?” I was ready to push the panic button. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“Nothing is wrong. I just didn’t know where you were. I came home and you were gone. I was worried.”