Nikki's Heart (4 page)

My mother has a serious problem. There is no doubt in my mind now that she needs help. I do not know what to do, though. She barely even talks to me anymore; I’m sure she won’t listen when I talk to her.

Sometimes I am afraid to be alone with her. What will I do if she gets drunk and goes crazy on me? Next time I might not be able to push her off of me. I don’t understand how an alcohol problem can get this bad so fast. Just a few months ago, she hardly ever touched the stuff, and she certainly never got falling down drunk. She was just Mom then. I liked her better that way, even though we still didn’t get along. She never would have had me on the floor, beating the crap out of me then.

I want to tell my dad, or at least Mandi. They could make her get help. I’m pretty sure they could. Mom would kill me, though. She would never forgive me. Maybe I should just move in with them and let Mom fend for herself. I am afraid of leaving her alone. What if something happened to her? Who would be here if the police brought her home again?

I don’t even know why I still care.

December 21

I have not seen my mother since Sunday night. When I came in Sunday, she was on the couch channel surfing. As soon as she saw me, she got up and went to her room.

Monday morning she was gone when I left for school. She hasn’t been back since.

Naturally I wonder where she is. Christmas is in four days, and we don’t even have our tree up. We used to put it up together the day after Thanksgiving. I don’t have to go back to school until January, and we used to use this time for Christmas shopping.

Now I sound selfish, though, and I’m not trying to be. I am worried about her. I have no idea where she is; maybe she is in the hospital. I hope she isn’t in jail. Maybe those policemen picked her up again. She would get a phone call, though, wouldn’t she? I would think she would call me, or at least have someone else call me. And those cops know I live here with her alone, wouldn’t they tell me?

Again I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to go to my dad’s house tomorrow, and stay until Christmas Eve. Dad and Mandi celebrate on Christmas Eve, so I can be with them because Mom insisted on having me on Christmas day. Should I just go, even if Mom doesn’t come back? If she is not here when I leave tomorrow, I will tell my dad. Maybe it would be for the best.

December 22

Mom showed up around three o’clock this morning. I was sleeping of course, but I woke up when I heard the car pull into the driveway. I looked out the window and saw some guy I have never seen helping my mom to the door. She was weaving really badly, and the guy was practically holding her up. As soon as they got to the door, I hid in my closet. I was determined she wouldn’t find me, if she even bothered to look. I was hoping if she saw my empty bed, she would just assume I was gone. There was no doubt she was drunk, though, from the way she was walking. I wouldn’t fight with her.

I was only huddled in the closet for a few minutes when she came into my room. It was pitch dark in there, and I was hiding behind my long dresses and a ton of shoes. I was sure she wouldn’t be able to see me. Not that she had a reason to be searching my closet anyway.

She came in, making a lot of noise. She was saying something, but her speech was so slurred, I couldn’t understand any of it.

“There’s no one in here,” her companion said. Great. Another overly intelligent one.

Mom said something else impossible to make out. She started calling my name, like I was a dog or something. She made some noise, and shuffled around a little bit. I was trying to remember where I put my journal, because I am sure if she found it, she would read it.

I thought my heart would stop beating when she opened the closet door. She poked her head in, but thankfully she didn’t move anything. Finally she closed the door. I heard her mumble something like, “Guess she didn’t move out,” and then they left my room.

I stayed in the closet until I was sure she wasn’t coming back. I locked my door and crawled back into bed. I couldn’t sleep, though, because I was afraid she would come back in. I was hoping that if she was as drunk as she sounded, she passed out the second she sat down.

I heard the guy she was with leave around five. I waited until six to get out of bed. I tiptoed to the kitchen, not wanting to wake up my mom, and put on a pot of coffee. As soon as I knew Mandi would be up, I called and asked her to pick me up. Even though it was eight o’clock in the morning, she didn’t ask questions.

December 24

I woke up this morning and celebrated Christmas with my dad’s family like it was the happiest day of my life. In all reality, I was miserable. I did not sleep well last night, and everything makes me feel like crying. Even watching Mandi beam every time the twins opened a present made me want to cry.

Dad and Mandi gave me a iPhone 6 for Christmas. That was a huge surprise, and I was very excited. I think everyone I know wanted one of those for Christmas. Mandi told me when we were alone later that she wanted me to be able to call from anywhere if I needed to. How much does she know?

Cody picked me up in the afternoon and took me to his house. Trish greeted us at the door and wrapped me in a hug.

“Merry Christmas, Nikki, I’m so glad you could come!”

“Thank you for inviting me.” Her affection touched me so much, I almost started crying.

My mouth fell open when I noticed the man standing beside Cody. I knew he was Cody’s dad, because of the pictures of him around the house. He was smiling at me, and I could see why Mandi used to have a crush on him. He was a very good-looking man. Cody really did look just like him. He came over to me and stuck out his hand.

“Hello, Nikki. I’m Mark, Cody’s dad. I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s good to finally meet you.”

I forced my mouth closed and shook his hand. After a few minutes, Cody took my arm and led me to the living room. As we put the presents I had brought under the tree, he told me about his dad. He sounded like an excited little boy.

“You’ll never believe it!” he said. His eyes were shining. “Mom and I got up this morning, and he was in the kitchen fixing breakfast. I thought Mom was going to have a heart attack, she was screaming and jumping up and down.”

“Of course he doesn’t tell you how he reacted,” Trish said from behind me. “He did his fair share of screaming and jumping, too.”

“You would have thought Santa was in the kitchen cooking breakfast this morning,” Mark added.

“No, it was much better than Santa,” Trish answered. She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.

The affection between them was like an electrical current. Mark lifted her off of her feet and swung her around in a circle. I couldn’t help laughing with Cody as Trish squealed with delight. I have never seen such love as when Cody’s parents looked at each other. What a shame they live so far apart most of the time.

We shared a wonderful dinner, with all of the best Christmas foods. I wonder how Trish found time to cook so much, and still spend time with her husband. I wish I had been there much earlier to help her out.

After dinner we gathered around the huge Christmas tree to open presents. I could not believe how many were under there for me. How thoughtful of Trish to buy me so many things and include me in their family time. She really seemed to like the charm bracelet I bought her. I was afraid she might think it was dumb. I found it at the mall; it is silver, and the charms all have something to do with shopping, like a shopping cart, a cash register, that sort of thing. She put it on her wrist and didn’t take it off again while I was there. A couple of times I actually saw her looking at it, and smiling. Good job, Nikki.

I bought Cody a silver key chain that looks just like his car, which is a Mitsubishi 3000 GT. I had Forever Love Cody engraved on the back. He loved it so much or he’s a really good actor! I have never seen him smile so big.

Cody got me a necklace. Actually it is two necklaces; he gets to keep half of it himself. He was wearing his half under his shirt the whole time I was there, and I never knew it! Anyway, when you put them together they make a heart, and there is a poem you can only read when the two pieces are stuck together. It says:

The Lord watch

Between me and thee

When we are absent

One from another

My half has Cody engraved on the back, and his half says Nikki. What a special gift, it brought tears to my eyes. I could tell his mom and dad were impressed, too.

After all of that, we went to the candle light service at church with them. It was the most beautiful church service I have been to. The whole place was dark except for the candles in the windows. Pastor Jim talked about the birth of Jesus and what it meant for all of us. We took communion, and then everyone lit the candles we were handed on the way in the church. While we held the candles, we sang a few Christmas carols, like “Silent Night,” and “Away in a Manger.”

It was all so beautiful, I couldn’t help crying. When I looked over, I saw Trish was crying as well. She reached behind Cody and grabbed my hand. I felt so peaceful there tonight. I don’t know why, but for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt perfectly happy and content. I wanted the service to last forever, but of course, it couldn’t. All good things must come to an end right? I hope I will find that feeling again. I hope it wasn’t just the mood and the atmosphere around me.

By the time Cody took me home, it was almost one o’clock on Christmas morning. “Merry Christmas, Nikki, I hope it’s been wonderful for you,” Cody whispered at the door.

“I’ve never had such a wonderful Christmas,” I answered honestly. “I’m grateful to your family for having me, especially since your dad was able to make it and everything.”

“Me too. I love you, Nikki, and I could stand here all night just looking into your beautiful eyes. It’s late, though, and it is freezing, so I better go for now.” He bent and kissed me lightly on the lips.

I watched him drive away before I opened the door. Suddenly that peaceful feeling was gone. Just like that, like it was never there to begin with. I wanted to run down the street, and catch up to Cody. I just knew if I could catch him, that feeling would return. Instead I took a deep breath and opened the front door.

My mom was sitting in the middle of the living room floor with boxes and Christmas tree branches all around her. She was sitting Indian style, with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. She was crying.

My first instinct was to panic. I assumed someone had to be hurt or dead. Why else would she be making so much noise in the middle of the living room?

“What’s wrong?” I knelt down beside her.

When she finally lifted her head, the first thing I noticed was the smell of alcohol. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her nose was runny. Lipstick was smeared around her mouth. For a second I thought she might have been in a fight.

“We don’t have a tree,” she sobbed.

“What?” I was confused. I mean the tree was all around her. It certainly wasn’t something to cry about.

“It’s almost Christmas, and we don’t even have the tree up.” She was crying so hard, I could barely understand her. I just stood there staring at her, convinced she finally made it over the deep end. It was obvious she had been trying to assemble our artificial tree by the mess in the middle of the living room. I couldn’t help wondering how long she had been sitting in the middle of the floor like that. Obviously long enough that she didn’t realize it was already Christmas. “Please, Nikki, will you help me with this?” Man, she was wasted. “I can’t do it by myself, and we have to get it up quickly.”

I wanted to tell her no. For one thing, she was pretty drunk, but I didn’t feel like pretending to enjoy myself with her either. It was already Christmas morning, kind of late to be putting up the tree. I only wanted to go to my room, and fall asleep remembering every wonderful moment of my Christmas Eve.

“Nikki, please,” she cried.

I couldn’t leave her there, no matter how badly I wanted to. I just couldn’t walk away while she sat there crying. I didn’t say anything to her; I just started separating the tree branches by color. Pretty soon she caught on and started helping me.

We worked side by side in silence, and finally we had it finished. Together we stood back and admired our work. Mom slipped her arm around my waist, and when I looked at her she was smiling. When was the last time I saw my mother smile? It was the Saturday before my birthday. The day she went to the concert with Brad.

Now we stood there together, at four o’clock on Christmas morning, beaming at our tree. If it wouldn’t have been four o’clock on Christmas morning, it might have been normal.

When I finally went to bed, I was too sad to sleep. Instead I sit here with my beloved journal. I can’t help wondering why we can’t be happy, my mom and me? Why can’t we have a normal relationship? Why can’t I be the most important person in her life? Why doesn’t she truly love me? Or if she does, why can’t she show it?

I can hear her in the other room; she’s humming, and bustling around. I imagine she’s bringing out whatever presents she managed to pick up at the last minute. I’ll get up in a little while and open them, pretending to be an excited little kid. Because that is what she will be expecting. And she will pretend the whole tree thing never happened. Maybe she will honestly forget it happened. I won’t. I’ll remember this night forever.