No Holding Back (25 page)

As the bus barreled past the sign welcoming them to California, Chris found herself thinking back on her first performance with Heretic: the flashing lights, the pounding music, the screams of so many people. She was so excited that first night that she couldn’t wait to get on stage. She was just beginning her new life then. But California meant so much more to her now than it did over a year ago.

She hoped that after she won, she would get to leave California as a
girl - ending once and for all, all the secrets and the lies that they fought so hard to protect. Less than forty-eight hours remained until Chris Rebman would play alone in front of thousands of people.

She knew she would win hands down,
but winning over Heretic’s fans as a girl was something else entirely. Rarely had any rock band in the metal community taken a girl under their wing, but she was determined to prove that she could play better than any guy. But she wasn’t stupid.

She knew she needed to turn up her game one hundred percent.
She had the perfect plan that would have people in the metal community talking about it for years to come. She thought about the ace she had up her sleeve - the one that she had been hiding all along - saving it for the perfect time. And that time was now.

She grinned evilly
at the flawless perfection of it all. But no matter what, she couldn’t tell anyone - especially Wade. Not until it was said and done.

As the bus moved passed the familiar buildings she
’d once seen over a year ago, every thread of nervousness disappeared from her entirely. She stared out of the window with deadly conviction. She’d show them. She’d show every last one of them. Christine Rebman was the best and no one else even came close.

Chris yawned as
the sun stretched over the horizon. She slept little the night before and now the only people at the front of the bus were her and Pete. Everyone else was sound asleep although the only snoring she couldn’t make out was Wade’s.

After going over the plan in her head for the umpteenth time,
she decided to try and get some sleep. So she got up and tip-toed quietly back to her room and drew apart the partition. 

“Wade?”

Wade sat on the edge of her bed as if he’d been waiting for her all night. He looked tired and his hair was completely disheveled. There was hardly any light coming in through her window, but Chris didn’t need it to see how bloodshot his eyes had become. He got up to meet her but looked ready to fall over at any moment.

“I didn
’t even see you come in here.”

Wade didn
’t answer but looked down at her as he held onto her shoulders.

“I just…wanted to tell you something.”

One of Chris’ eyebrows rose. “Okay?”

“I
’m not mad or anything…about all this.”

Chris steadied him as he teetered back and forth between sleep and consciousness.
But she sighed and did her best to pat down his wrinkled clothes.

“Wade, it
’s okay. You’ve done a lot for me. You’ve got every right to be upset. You, Mike, and everyone else had to change their schedules because of me. All because of me…”

Wade shook his head.

“No, listen: I wanted everyone to know who you were since the beginning…there was just so much shit going on...”

Chris dropped her head ashamedly
. For a brief moment she almost wished there wasn’t a drummer’s competition - that they could all go back to their regular routine and play badass songs from coast to coast.

“But not
once
…have I ever regretted taking you with us.”

“Wade, I-."

“No, no, no - look at me.” 

She did, but wished she didn
’t have to stare directly into his bloodshot eyes. Come to think of it, she couldn’t remember the last time either of them got any solid sleep.

“If you
win this…if you…no -
when
…you win this…we both know that there’s a chance that you won’t have to hide what you are anymore. I guess a part of me is scared to death of losing what we have.”

Of course Chris thought about that. She thought about that a lot. Truth be told, neither of them knew the outcome if she chose to reveal herself, even if she
did
win. Worst case scenario, she’d get booed off the stage and she’d never play drums in front of anyone ever again.

But the thought alone made her defensive and she resolved it would be a cold day in hell before she
’d ever allow that to happen.

“You reall
y need to get some sleep, Wade. I got this. Easy. You’ve got nothing to worry about. I…"

She stopped, coming so close to revealing her plan, but she bit
her tongue.

“
I’m telling you,” she came back after collecting her thoughts. “I can do this with both hand tied behind my back.”

Suddenly, Wade
’s face brightened just a little.

“Mmmm…don
’t give me any ideas.”

Chris rolled her eyes and tried to maintain a serious sentiment. She just
couldn’t stand to look at Wade anymore in his state.

“Wade, here.
Let’s get you back to bed-.”

“No, I wanna stay here with you.  Please…please just lay down with me…”

Suddenly, Wade lost his balance and practically fell onto Chris.

“Whoa
-whoa-whoa!”

Chris cried out as she and
Wade crashed onto the mattress. She tried moving Heretic’s hulking front man, but he was already deep in sleep, using Chris’ lap as a pillow.

She sat stroking his hair
for the longest time while she stared off into space. She thought again about how her life would change in the near future - for better or for worse.

Half
of her already wished all of this was over. The other half teemed with excitement as they drew closer to the amphitheater. She smiled again as she laid her head fell back against the hard wall and she soon fell asleep.

“Hey!
Hey - wake up you two! We’re here!” 

Joe
’s voice broke through the air - abruptly snapping Chris out of her sleep. She rubbed the back of her sore head while she used her other hand to rock Wade from his coma.

“W
aaade…” she said, yawning his name.

“Hmm?
”

“We
’re here. C’mon.”

It took a few minutes to get him to come to,
and when she did, she followed him to the front of the bus in a tireless stupor. But when they both spotted the same view just outside the window, they became awake in no time.

“Whoa,” she sighed.

Chris parked herself next to Wade as the two of them stared outside at a sea of band buses and other vehicles. Wade could already see the back of Joe’s head as he talked with other musicians from other bands out in the parking lot.

“Looks like we
’re late,” Wade said just as his phone began to ring. 

It was Mike again.

“Yeah, hey Mike. What’s up?”

“Hey man, you here yet?”

“Yep, just pulled in. Looks like it’s a full house,” Wade commented, scanning the competition.  

He saw b
uses as far as the eye could see and the massive amphitheater in the distance.

“You got about fifty other competitors lined up but I
’m afraid I got some bad news for ya.”

“I don
’t need that shit, man,” Wade said, looking at Chris briefly.

“No, no.
Everything’s fine. But it looks like calling in three weeks ahead of time still wasn’t soon enough.”

“
Whaddya mean it wasn’t ‘soon enough’?”

“I
’m sorry man, but I couldn’t get him in any earlier. Chris has to go last.”

“Fuck, man. Are you serious? They
do
know who Chris Rebman is, right?”

“You can thank your buddy
, Rick, for that one. I gotta feeling he had something to do with this.”

“
No shit. This whole competition reeks of Dark Water.”

Wade knew the lead singer from Dark Water but he was no friend of Wade
’s. Rick Delanost had been Wade’s rival since they both scored record labels but Heretic became an overnight success first. Every time they met, Rick never failed to be less than ‘pleasant’. And whenever he was interviewed on TV, it seemed he thrived off of Heretic’s bad luck with Hess and rubbed salt in the wound claiming his music was better, but Wade shrugged it off.  He knew the truth. Heretic may have had more talent, but Rick’s father was a wealthy bastard.

“Lemme guess: daddy owns the building,
doesn’t he?”

“
And
half the buildings in Anaheim,” he sighed. “Sorry, man.”

“Don
’t sweat it, Mike. It doesn’t matter any way. First or last, we got this.”

“Glad to hear it.
They’re going to start the competition tonight but Chris isn’t scheduled to go until tomorrow night at ten exactly. Good luck. And don’t be late.”

Mike hung up while Wade looked down at Chris trying to glean whatever information he could from her ca
lm expression. To Wade, she appeared no different than what she did on any of their other gigs. She appeared neutral and utterly indifferent to everything else that went on, and that made Wade’s gut do back flips.

“Th
ere’s something you should know,” Wade began.

“I
’d rather go last anyway,” Chris finished, unable to drop the partial smile from her face. But try as he might, Wade couldn’t sate the nervousness in his stomach that made him want to vomit. He wasn’t the one playing drums yet he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this anxious.

“Look, as far as I
’m concerned, your biggest threat is Dark Water’s drummer.”

“Are you serious?”

“You’re not worried?” Wade asked.

“Worried about Geoffrey Henz?
Please. He always starts off too strong. He uses too much energy at the beginning and ends up making the last half of his performance sound like shit. He gets going too fast and he misses a beat. No one else notices, but I do.  Believe me, I’ve listened to him play longer than you have. I’m more worried about getting jock itch.”

Wade
snickered and marveled at her inner strength and confidence yet he sensed something else entirely. He narrowed his eyes and studied her closely and as if in response, his gut stirred again.

“
Is there something going on that you wanna tell me?”

“Yeah,” sh
e fired back with playful vigor. “Go in there and tell the judges to give that fat check to Heretic and save everyone a lot of time.”

Wade laughed o
ut loud and for a moment he almost forgot how tired he was. He picked her up and squeezed her while she squirmed and giggled.

“Gah! Put me down!
I need to take a shower!”

“Ohhhh - okay!
”

“Alone!”

“Awe, but-!”

Chris wriggled free, but when Wade tried following her into the bathroom, she shut and abruptly locked the door.

He laughed again, but turned his attention to the parking lot that was jam-packed with band buses. Some of them he recognized right away; E.O.P., Strife, and way in the distance, he could clearly make out Dark Water’s bus. It was by far the biggest and most immaculate. He didn’t mind coming face to face with his rival but it was Chris he worried about most of all. 

When he heard the showerhead turn on, he began rummaging through the kitchen cabinets to find some antacids.

Wade protested without end but he found that he was no match for a woman with Chris’ persistence. Despite objections from both him and Joe at being seen, she insisted that she watch the competition from the audience - as a girl.

“Just let me go by myself. I
’ll be fine! Besides, if the crowd says anything, I wanna hear it.”

“What do you expect to gain by this?” Wade asked
, watching Chris put on makeup. At that moment, he hated how stunning and shapely she looked in her skinny jeans and didn’t want to admit that he was more nervous than he let on about exposing her to a sea of balls and testosterone.

“I want to size up the competition
and
I wanna know what to expect when I step on stage, y’know? Like a recon!”

Chris finished putting her black hair up into a ponytail and allowed her bangs
to hang over her eyes that she filled with more mascara. To Wade, she was mouth-watering.

“C
’mon, Chris! Lemme go with you! You’re not the only one who looks good with a ponytail!”

Chris
laughed as she gave her hair a final tug, but Wade interjected.

“Absolutely not. Chris is one thing, but if just one person spotted you, it would raise too much commotion!”

“Will you guys relax?” she groaned. “I won’t be gone
that
long!”

“
Jesus…” Wade palmed his face yet again. Another sick feeling slammed into his gut, and at that moment, it was all he could do to keep his lunch down. “Alright look - if you’re gonna go, then at least make sure you have your phone.” 

She slapped the back of her jean pocket
playfully. "Already ahead of ya."

“If you
’re not back in
one
hour-!”

“Alright, alright!”

Chris rolled her eyes as she walked out of the bathroom. She scanned the parking lot through the windows, but it was nearly devoid of people. She assumed they were all inside the amphitheater as well. 

“Hey, where the hell is Os?” Wade asked Joe. 

Come to think of it, as soon as they arrived, Wade hadn’t seen hide nor hair of his older brother.

“The hell should I know?  Maybe he found a hot dog stand…”

As much as Wade wanted to laugh at his friend, he wrinkled his forehead and punished Joe with a deafening stare. But it didn’t matter; Chris laughed for the both of them and continued to scan the parking lot.

“Okay, now
’s a good a time as any," Chris guessed. "I don’t see anyone.”

“Alright, you ready?” 

Wade took his position behind her - ready to give Pete the signal to open the door and release Chris. He looked over her head one last time before he banged on Pete’s plastic partition.

“Ok
ay, go!”

The door flung open and Chris sprung from the bus as fast as she could. The last thing Wade saw was her tight little ass as it disappeared into the mass of buses. Such a picture made him smile.

“Nice view, huh?” Joe remarked as he stared out the window, smiling too.

“The hell
’er you lookin’ at, perv!?”

Wade punched Joe
at half-strength, while his friend did his best to defend himself.

“Dude! I meant the view outside! Fuck, man! The fucking
sunset
!”

“Oh…sorry.” 

Wade chuckled to himself as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He rubbed his fingers across the keypad thinking about his direct link to Chris.

One hour. He
’d be on pins and needles for a whole hour.

“
Oh and hey, man. Just so we’re clear?”

“
Yeah. What’s up?” Wade said without looking at him.

“
You hurt her? I’ll kill you.”

Shocked by the sudden seriousness in his statement, Wade slowly peeled his gaze away from t
he window, but he could tell that by Joe’s expression, he was far from joking.

Nearly
out of breath, Chris finally reached the double doors that led into amphitheater. The competition started hours ago but a few people still trickled in behind her. She held out the all-access pass that Wade gave her to get in, and the security said nothing as she walked through the double doors. As soon as she stepped inside, the building was ablaze with screams, cheers, and the lovely sound of drums. And what Chris saw next took her breath away.

A warm feeling of euphoria seeped into Chris as she followed a trail of people that led her to the biggest on-stage setup she
’d ever seen. Her senses teemed with excitement, and already, her hands and arms tingled with the addiction that she wanted to feel - would feel, very soon. 

The massive auditorium loomed before her and this one put all others that Heretic had been to, to shame. It easily accommodated several thousand people and she could make out the tiny figure of a man sitting on stage way in front, buried behind a drum kit. 

Projector screens loomed everywhere and she could see the drummer from Art of War and the blur of his sticks, even from way in the back. People filled every seat, crack, and crevice and the room had three levels, all filled to the brim with adoring fans that cheered and screamed for their favorite drummer.

She spotted one of the box seats high above on the third l
evel that held the five judges. She recognized them all immediately as they all held ties to the metal community in some way. A former death metal singer, three drummers of bands long past and, of course, the host of Metal Madness: Axel Freeman. They were all scribbling notes down on a clip board and bobbing their heads slightly in tune with the drum play on stage.

She smiled as she thought about her panel, making her way with some difficulty through a mass of hot, sweaty bodies. It was only about eight o
’clock in the evening, but people everywhere had their shirts off and drinks in hand as they thrashed about uncontrollably in mosh pits everywhere.

Chris carefully avoided flailing arms and floating bodies as she eventually made her way to the front where it was no less crowded. People all around her were screaming at the top of their lungs as one drummer came off and another took his place. She stole back at the judge
’s panel as Axel used a microphone to introduce each drummer saying their name, the band they were from, and the drum solo from which song they would play. To Chris, it seemed simple enough.

“Please…”

Chris sneered out from under her breath as she saw the drummer from Darkness Superior miss a beat from their most popular song: Dead Time. But no one else seemed to notice. Either they were too drunk, too beat up from most pits, or they were too damn busy jumping up and down spastically while others flashed their cameras and cell phones on stage.

Chris studied the stage she would soon be on. The entire drum kit was surrounded by microphones and amplifiers in order to give fans and judges alike the best possible advantage at hearing every note they hit. She strained to see other band members watching from beyond stage left and right as they cheered on their own drummers.

They were doing the same thing she was - sizing up the competition. Chris remembered the schedule that Wade showed her and when she would perform. She would go last, but that didn’t bother her. The only person that would go before her was Dark Water’s drummer. Wade explained to her that they set it up that way on purpose - to psyche her out. But she blew it off and shrugged her shoulders. Daddy may have owned the building but the judges were left alone.

Wade didn
’t seem too worried. He explained to her that such tampering would create a bad name for Dark Water forever.

Chris stayed long enough to listen to
three drum solos before she realized she was pushing her time limit. She turned to leave but found it was more difficult to get out than it was to get in. As she shoved her way past hundreds of people, men everywhere shot remarks and sexual comments before she broke free. She looked one last time at the small clock attached to the wall before walking out. She had five minutes to get back to the bus.

“Shit!” she hissed.

She high-tailed it back to the parking lot while looking everywhere to make sure no one was watching her. Slowly, Heretic’s bus came into view. She was so close, practically arm’s length away and then, she’d be safe.

“Why, hello there.”

Chris stopped dead in her tracks as a dark figure appeared from out of nowhere, deliberately stepping in front of her. She clutched her chest and thought she would die of a heart attack when she realized she was looking at none other than Rick Delanost - lead singer and front man for Dark Water.

“H-Hi,” Chris stuttered back. 

She never saw him up close and in person before. If she didn’t hate his guts so much she might have actually thought he was model material with all of the wildly long, blonde hair he had complimented by a five o’clock shadow. The heavy eyeliner he wore magnified his crisp, blue eyes, seemingly intent on holding her hostage.

“So
, what’s a pretty little thing like you wandering around alone back here?” Rick asked, closing in on her. “You know, this is restricted area…” he purred.

Chris tried to think of something to say, but her heart raced a million miles an hour
as she began searching her pockets for her phone, but instead, her hand found something else.

“I-I uhm…I have this.” 

She held out the all-access pass that Wade gave her, but Rick hardly seemed to notice it before he turned his attention back to Chris. She swallowed audibly and mentally kicked herself for taking the stupid chance of being on her own and now, she was paying the price.

“Ahhh.
Well, then I’m sure you’d love a tour of Dark Water’s band bus,” he said, closing the gap between them both.

But when Chris tried to back up in kind, she walked backwards into something hard. And when she looked behind her, she found herself almost wedged between two buses.

Panic-stricken, she looked at Heretic’s bus over Rick’s shoulder.

“I….I
uhm….I don’t think I-.”

Rick lowered his head in a predatory manner and narrowed his eyes.

“You from around here?”

Unsure of what to say or do, she broke into a sprint before he completely cut off her escape route again and grabbed her by the wrist.

“Whoa, whoa, who
a…where’er you goin’, gorgeous?”

He grinned and licked his lips, and to her horror, he started to back h
er into the corner again.

“I-I
’m here to see Heretic!”

Chris had hoped that her random comment would strike a chord with Rick, and to her surprise, he stopped in his tracks and sneered at her. But
he still held onto her wrist tightly.

“
Heretic
?" he spat. “Why the hell would you want to see them when you could see a
real
band?”

“CHRISTINE!”

Both Chris and Rick’s head snapped in the direction of a booming voice.

“Wade,” Rick said snidely. “Me and…
Christine,
was it? We were just talking about you.”

Wade stood a short distance away with looks that could kill.
Each step he took towards them was purposefully slow and methodical, like he had every intention of snapping Rick’s neck if he got close enough. She couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that Wade had appeared just in time.

“You really think man-handling Joe Bedden
’s little sister is a good idea?”

“
His
what
?” Rick asked.

"You heard me," Wade warned.
“And you and I both know he’s got one helluva temper.” 

Wade
fixed his threatening stare permanently onto Rick without so much as blinking. Rick, however, seemed unfazed by Wade’s intimidation while Chris understood the necessity of pulling her off as one of Joe’s siblings.

Without taking his eyes off Chris, he motioned to the bus behind him with a nod of his head.

“Christine? Joe told you not to wander around alone. You should head back to the bus.”

“O-Okay,”
she said timidly.

She
glared at Rick, trying to pry her fingers from her sensitive wrist, but he sneered back at Wade, determined to win the staring contest. When Rick saw Wade making a balled fist, he finally let her go.

Chris rubbed her wrist
and looked at Rick with utter disgust. But Rick just smiled and winked at her.

“
Jerk,” she mumbled and ran past Wade.

“I
’ll see ya around!”  Rick called out, but she ignored him.

Chris didn
’t stop until she was safely on board her home of steel. She plopped down in her seat and from there, she watched from the window at what reminded her of a Texas shoot-up.