No Holding Back (24 page)

Not
entirely clear on just happened, Wade got up and walked to Chris’ room. When he pulled back the partition, he already found her curled up into a ball and lying on her bed.

As quietly as he could, he stepped inside and pulled the partition closed behind him and sat at the other end of her bed.

“Chris?" he began, shaking his head in confusion. "Look uh…I’m really sorry-.”

Chris whispered,
“It’s okay.”

“Too much? Too fast?”
Wade guessed.

Chris
sat up slowly, but she couldn’t look Wade in the eye just yet.

“It
’s just a lot to take in all at once, y’know? Like I said before, I’ve been here for a while but it’s still hard to believe. I’m living my dream every day and I’m just afraid that one day…I’ll wake up.”

“Fair enough,” h
e nodded.

But
then, Wade couldn’t help but notice something that Chris did only when she was close to him.

“
Hey, Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Why is it that whenever I get close you, you kinda push me away? Do I stink?” he joked.

But her expression was anything but light-hearted.

“I-I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “It’s just a stupid defense mechanism.”

“
From what?” Wade asked, but he bit his tongue. He already knew the answer, but the light bulb didn’t come on soon enough. “I-I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t mean t-.”

“
Don’t worry about it," she said quickly. “You’re not the one who raped me.”

Wade
’s head fell to his chest and he slumped down further onto Chris’ bed. He was certain that if he ever met that son of a bitch, he’d put him at the other end of a baseball bat.

“Chris…I
’m so sorry.”

She
shrugged her shoulders in response but then sunk back down into her bed, drawing up the covers around her almost protectively. As much as Wade’s inner-beast wanted to ravish Chris, he knew it was out of the question. So instead, he took off his shoes and fell into bed with her, cradling her in his own protective embrace.

It felt good to be ‘home’ again. Heretic’s short reprieve at the hotel left Chris with a sort of gap to where after a few days, her hands felt like they were tingling. She had been away from her drums for too long and her hands were punishing her for it. At one point, it got so bad, it felt like bees were stinging her fingers.

Right before they were set to go on stage
, Wade was hit with a sudden bout of anxiety - owing it up that their relationship might have an adverse effect on the way they both played. He feared a small part of Chris wouldn’t be the same after that night in the hotel but he was never glad to be so wrong.

He looked back at her several times to find h
er completely lost in her zone. The only time she looked at him was to pick up the queue to begin the next song.

But Chris
did
play differently. The truth was, since the night at the hotel, they were both on cloud nine. In fact, she played better than she ever had while on the road with Heretic. She felt invincible, untouchable, and coupled with her Snakeskin drumsticks, there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do.

Even Wade couldn
’t deny his own playing and his singing felt like someone turned up his internal volume. He heard himself hitting notes with his powerful lungs that he never could before. Heretic was gorging themselves on success and the metal community was taking notice. After far too long, Hess’ crime that hung over their heads now seemed a distant memory.

While not on the bus
, Wade had to keep a proverbial lock on his lust while in public. He had to be careful so that he didn’t look or touch Chris in a way that might seem suspicious.

But such a simple task was torture. And one such mistake almost cost him.

On their way back to the bus after a concert and surrounded by a sea of people, Wade smacked Chris on the butt. It earned him an evil look from her and after realizing his mistake, he did the same thing to Joe and Os, playing it off as a ‘good job guys’.

Joe took it well, even shoving his butt at Wade and urging him to do it again - telling him that he had been
‘naughty’. But Os’ temper turned foul and despite Wade’s apologies, he made it clear that no one should be touching his ass - not even his brother.

Often, Chris and Wade would
wait in angst for Os and Joe to go to bed before they attacked each other with ruthless abandon. And by then, it was all Chris could do to keep Wade from undressing her right at the front of the bus. At random times, Wade would count down from five - barely giving Chris a head start before he would start chasing her.

But
even a month later, nothing seemed to deviate from the new norm other than the fact that Wade rarely got Chris to sleep with him in his room. More often than not, he would curl up next to her on her bed long enough for Joe to come trudging in – telling them they had an hour to get ready before their next show.

A
fter spending so much time together, Wade was impressed with Chris’ ability to continue to be a guy. She still didn’t complain or even so much as want recognition. But soon, something had to give, and Wade had another feeling in his gut that just wouldn’t go away.

One night before a show in Denver, Wade was getting
dressed in the bathroom. He knew Chris and Pete were the only souls left on the bus. Os had already left with Joe to help set up with the rest of Heretic’s crew.

The huge bus
rocked slightly due to fans wanting to get a sneak peek at Heretic. Of course it was nothing new. Fans with all-access passes seemed to accompany them wherever they went. By now, Wade grew accustomed to the yelling and screaming, even as he finished spraying his hair in place.

“Chris?
You ‘bout ready?” Wade called from the bathroom.

T
here was no answer.

Wade finished up and walked out
, finding Chris planted in her seat.

“
Chris? You alright-?"

His voice trailed off when he saw her sitting
at the booth, staring out the window of the bus while fans screamed from outside.

Her beanie and hoodie was off and she rested her bare face against the glass while she traced the palm of someone
’s hand. Chris sighed against the tinted windows at the muffled sound of her name being.

Wade
made no attempt to be quiet as he approached Chris until he stood right behind her. She sighed again and left a small fog on the glass.

“Hey.”

Surprised, Chris looked up from the window, but found it was only Wade. She smiled weakly in response.

“Hey.
”

“C
’mere," he begged, gesturing for her hand.

She gave it to him and allowed him to pull her in close.

“Chris. I want you to know how much this means to us…to me.”

“It
’s no big deal," she tried shaking off.

“
It’s a
huge
deal.”

Wade fought the temptation to kiss her while
he spoke with an underlying conviction in his voice. 

“You
’ve sacrificed everything about yourself - who you are…just to play.”

“You know I love this stuff.”

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “But one day, they’ll see you." And with a nod of his head, he gestured out the window. “They’ll see you how
I
see you.”

Chris
’ eyes grew moist in response, but she sniffed away the emotional upset and allowed her head to fall on Wade’s chest. Wade held her in return and pressed his lips against her forehead before Chris finally put some space between them.

“
So, you ready or what?” Wade asked in an upbeat manner.

In response,
she smiled and placed her beanie and hoodie back over her head.

“Lead the way
.”

Before they walked off, Wade
knocked on Pete’s partition, giving him the signal to let them out. Just as they stepped off and into the fray, Wade made a mental note to call Mike later. Fans with full-access passes were driving him crazy.

Ever since they hit the road to their next show, Chris pounded on her invisible drums and that was five hours ago. In her own world, she wasn’t sitting at the front of the bus across from Joe. She was in her secret place - a place no one ever knew about. A place she knew she would never be bothered. It was just her and her drums.

She beat mercilessly on the toms until her forearms stung with pai
n.

“Chris…”

She was there. She was it - the beat. The beat and her. It consumed her until not even the sound of her heartbeat could be heard. The drums
were
her heartbeat. It was that simple.

“Chris.”

She thundered louder, harder, until even her shin started to shake violently from hitting the bass drum. She had this - no music was past her understanding or her comprehension.

“CHRIS!”

Chris snapped out from her seat in a rush of panic. She felt as though someone shot her, but when she looked around the bus, she found only the rest of Heretic staring at her. It wasn’t like she didn’t do this before, but somehow, something was different. Even Os stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

“Yeah?”
she asked her speechless audience.

Wade said nothing and only nodded in the direction of the flat screen television that hung at the front of the bus.

Chris followed his gesture and gave her attention to the TV show that came on. She tried collecting her thoughts as best she could when Axel Freeman, the host of Metal Madness, appeared and began to talk excitedly to some nameless co-host.

“-that shit!
You heard it here first! Battle of the Bands will be hosting their first Drummer’s Competition-!”

Chris became sober in a second and got up from her seat, inching towards the television screen.

“-and this bad ass event that you won’t wanna miss will be in California! That’s right, bitches! All the top bands will be there and you should too and while-!”

As
Axel continued to speak, Chris got as close to the TV screen as she could and froze.

“-so get your ass on over to the Anaheim Convention Center on August 7
th
where once again, I’ll be hosting along with past rock legends. And to all of you drummers out there: the winner gets one hundred thousand dollars and of course….bragging rights!”

As soon as it cut to commercial, Chris
turned and faced the rest of the group, but it was Joe who spoke up first.

“Holy shit.
August seventh? But that’s just three weeks away!” 

But his voice was nothing more than an
echoing mess in Chris’ head. She squeezed her drumsticks so hard in her hands they pinched her delicate skin. A fascinating realization came to her:
this
was her chance.

While Joe squealed with excitement, Chris
made straight for her room, unable to hear Wade call her name. She was too busy trying to process everything she had heard Axel say as she ducked into her room. A part of her thought that someone was playing a sick, evil joke on her and yet the other part told her she was still dreaming - that none of this was real. She didn’t want to think that she was still lying on her seat up front - lost in her zone.

She pinched herself - twice. But the golden oppor
tunity was still there, just three precious weeks away.

She stood frozen in her room and didn
’t care about Wade’s intrusion when he came in behind her. Chris was still in a daze when a single question blared in front of her. 

What would it be like to not have to hide anymore?

“Hey,” Wade said, putting his hand on her shoulder. 

Finally, Chris snapped out of
her stupor and turned to face Wade.

“You know what this means?”

“Yeah, I know what it means," he answered quietly.

“I-I-I-I can finally get out there and be who I am!
I’ll fucking win that piece of shit competition and-!”

“I
know
you could win, Chris! But that’s not what bothers me!” Wade said, shaking her slightly. “It’s just…something about this doesn’t feel right.”

Chris wrinkled her nose.

“Whadd’ya mean?”

Wade tested his gut again, but like before, it fluttered and tos
sed like had the worst case of nausea.

“
I can’t put my finger on it. I just get the feeling that…this was planned.”

Chris
’ shoulders fell. “Of course it’s
planned
,” she groaned. “Our venues are always planned.”

Wade rolled his eyes.

“That’s not what I meant. Did you happen to see who’s hosting our little ‘competition’?” Chris did, but she didn’t give a damn.

“
Wade, please,” she begged, on the verge of tears. “I could care less if that shit-eating boyfriend of yours wants to compare cock sizes! You know I got this! You know-!”

“
I
know
!” he said, raising his voice. Chris jumped, but Wade regretted it, placing his hands on her shoulders in a comforting fashion.

He sighed and took a deep breath.

“I know, Chris. I know you can beat every drummer out there. You can beat any one of those posers into the ground. But I also know Rick is behind this. Dark Water is just trying to draw you out-!”

“
But you won’t let them, right?!” she argued. “If you’re by me twenty-four seven, then what the hell are you so afraid of?”

Wade took a mental step back and wondered that himself. Even though his gut was doing back flips, he knew there was no way he
’d let anything happen to her. But he still couldn’t help but think back on that awful feeling he had the one and only time he lost her.

As muc
h as he wanted Chris to himself and to keep her hidden away from the world forever, he knew that telling her ‘no’ would make him appear utterly selfish.

As she stared back up at Wade with her best puppy-dog eyes, Joe burst into the room with Wade
’s phone in hand.

“
It’s Mike!” he said, breathing rapidly. “He saw it on TV! He wants to know…if Chris’ll do it!”

Wade looked back down at Chris and bit his lip to the point of pain. There was no going back now. Set up or no, he knew one day it would all come down to this. After a few moments of agonizing silence, Wade spoke to Joe while keeping his eyes firmly on Chris.

“Tell Pete to set a course for California. And tell Mike we’ll hit as many venues on the way as we can. We’ll be there in three weeks.”

Joe screamed at the top of his lungs
into Wade’s phone while bouncing his way out of Chris’ room. Distinct cries of “We’ll fucking
be
there man!” rang throughout the bus.

When they were alone, Chris looked up at Wade and smiled.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Wade
smiled as best he could to support Chris. But he couldn’t shake the odd feeling he had.

As they drew
closer to the competition date, the tension was so thick on the bus you could cut it with a knife. Wade spent most of his time on the phone with Mike, scheduling a line-up and a spot for Chris, but he didn’t make much eye contact with her or anyone else. Wade was stressed - that much everyone could see.

After Chris had been accepted into the competition, it forced
Heretic to cancel several shows. Wade wound up on the phone some nights for hours on end with the other bands, venues, radio stations, and even Mike, trying to stick to their original schedule as much as possible.

All of the rearranging that he did made Chr
is feel selfish. Some nights, the entire bus would be completely quiet save for the low rumble of the engine as they sped along the road. But when only days were left between Chris and the competition, Wade’s phone rang again.

Wade
recognized the number and brought it to his ear.

“
Yeah, Mike. What’s up?”

Chris stared at the table in silence while she strained her ears to Heretic
’s agent, but she couldn’t make out a single word. She heard Wade say “Yeah” and “Uh-huh” several times and then, a long, deep-seated silence.

“No, it
’s okay. Its fine, man. It’s fine. Thanks for trying,” he said.

But when she finally grew a spine and look
ed at him, he tossed his phone on the counter and rubbed his forehead much too hard.

Wade got up from
his seat and walked over to a window while he ran his hands through his hair. His entire body seemed to swell and shake as if he would explode at any minute. And then he did.

“Dammit!” 

Wade slammed his fists on the small kitchen counter causing the dishes in the sink to bounce in response. The sudden noise even made Os look with concern at this brother. But no one was brave enough to speak. Eventually, Joe decided to bite the bullet.

“What
’s up, man?”

“The projectors
,” he confessed after several agonizing moments. “They’ll be zoning in on every competitor whether we want them to or not.”

Chris sunk into her seat a little further at such news.

“We’ll just have to deal with it,” he finished.

Never
before had Chris been so unsettled at the prospect of being seen. She always relied on Wade and Mike to take the magnifying glass off of her. However, Wade’s request was out-trumped by Dark Water. 

“It
’s outta my hands,” he said, but then promptly faced Chris. “Now, it’s in yours.”

Without another word, he turned and disappeared into his room.

Chris sighed at the frustration of it all. She brought her knees into herself and let her head fall a little bit too hard against the window. After a while, she peered over at Joe and found him staring back at her in concern.

“
Do you think I’m doin’ the right thing, Joe?”

He sighed, making his cheeks exceptionally large.

“I think…that no matter what happens…things will always work themselves out.”

She
grew teary-eyed and smiled, but when she looked over at Os, he broke eye contact with her as fast as he could and pretended to mess with his guitar.

“
Just remember,” Joe added. “You’ll always be my little buddy!”

Chris laughed
and shook her head, but took the seriousness of his previous statement to heart. It was rare that Joe displayed any words of wisdom and when he did, it just made perfect sense. She was also grateful at Joe’s ability to make her feel better, no matter.

“Thanks, Joe.”