No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (17 page)

Alison looked completely taken aback by Matthew’s outburst. “What on earth has got into you? Enjoy myself here? Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You came, you came. I can’t believe you really came.”

An oversized cloud of brilliant white rushed past them out of nowhere almost knocking Alison off her feet. For a moment a storm of netting and taffeta obscured the view until Charlene turned and revealed Daniel standing in the doorway with Katy and Ben. Charlene immediately dragged him over to the group of teenage texters. The girls flocked around him, whispering urgently whilst looking over their shoulders and bursting into giggles. The teenage boys in the crowd drew back together in a defensive stance, clearly discussing how they were going to deal with this new alien threat to their patch.

Katy and Ben were left standing alone at the door, Charlene having totally ignored them. Ben took one look at Matthew, said something to Katy then walked back outside without even saying hello.

“I wonder what on earth has got into Ben,” said Alison. “He was so moody when he came to dinner and his manners, well, nonexistent. Then not turning up to the class. There’s something really weird happening there. I think he can’t handle the thought of becoming a father you know. Poor Katy. She’s so lovely and deserves so much better don’t you think?”

Matthew didn’t trust himself to reply so pretended not to hear her.

“Are you listening?” she persisted. “Don’t you think Katy deserves better?”

“Yes,” was all he could whisper, trying hard to suppress the desire to run over and comfort a very forlorn-looking Katy.

“I’m going to cheer her up,” said Alison, striding away, Matthew trailing behind her, wondering whether it had been a big mistake to come.

“So no sign of the baby yet?” Alison asked Katy when they reached her.

“Er, no, not yet,” said Katy, looking nervously at Matthew. “Surprised you’re here?”

“Not as surprised as me,” said Alison. “Matthew insisted we come. I still have absolutely no idea why.”

Matthew could not decipher the look that Katy gave him.

“Well Ben really wanted to come,” Katy said eventually. “Turns out he and Luke have bonded over their impending fatherhood.”

“Well I guess they do have a lot in common,” said Matthew.

“Because they are both too young, you mean?” Katy shot back. “Ben’s not that young you know.”

“You’re right, he’s actually very mature,” said Matthew, unable to withhold the sarcasm.

“Matthew,” said Alison sharply. “Just ignore him Katy. He’s in a foul mood. I’m so glad you’re here so at least I can have a sensible conversation with someone before we make our apologies and leave this excuse for a wedding.”

Katy was shocked at Alison’s visible disdain. “As long as Charlene and Luke are happy that’s all that matters, isn’t it?” she said.

“Well I guess if you get married at eighteen what can you expect? But seriously Katy. Would you be happy if you and Ben ended up having your very first dance as a married couple in a
shed
?” asked Alison.

“Katy and Ben aren’t getting married, they told you,” said Matthew firmly.

“They might,” said Alison. “They might change their minds after the baby arrives.”

“Who knows,” replied Katy, looking around desperately. “Oh look, here’s Daniel coming back,” she said with considerable relief.

“Hello, one and all,” he said as he approached. “What a marvellous party.”

“You seem to be an instant hit,” said Katy. “What on earth did you find to talk about to teenage girls?”

“Music and dancing of course,” he said. “The two greatest obsessions that teenage girls and gay men share. That as well as being in love of course,” he added, giving Matthew a sly smile.

“And also public toilets it would seem,” said Katy digging Daniel in the ribs, pointing out Charlene and her gang of friends trouping into the ladies toilets.

“There is no need for such vulgarity Katy. For your information they have gone to change for the first dance,” said Daniel.

“What, all of them?”

“Yes all of them. Now I suggest we go and find a seat with a good view because you don’t want to miss this, trust me.”

Daniel hustled them to the edge of the dance floor and found seats for the pregnant ladies. Shortly afterwards Charlene emerged from the toilets followed by her entourage dressed, or rather not dressed, in metallic blue, frighteningly short miniskirts and bra-tops. Charlene herself was in a slightly more demure but nonetheless pretty offensive bright red frilly number which was knee length at the back but sadly only just crotch length at the front owing to her bump. She staggered across the dancefloor in ankle-breaking high heels to the front door of the hall.

“You lot. Put your fags out and come in here now,” she shouted to the puffing throng outside the door. “If you don’t I am shutting the bar, because this is my wedding and you have to do what I tell you.”

She strutted back across the hall towards the DJ as the rowdy smokers trickled in and headed straight for the bar.

Charlene’s mates were now all standing in a vague line in the middle of the dance floor doing some bizarre limb wriggling as if preparing to set off for a sprint. Charlene spent a few moments shouting in the DJ’s ear before he gave a thumbs up. She then picked her way back through a maze of cables and speakers until she was in the centre of her assembled crew. She shouted something and they instantly formed a rigid straight line with about two feet between each of them.

“OK, ladies and gentlemen,” said the DJ interrupting his utterly predictable Motown section. “If I could have your undivided attention, we have something very special for you tonight. Apparently our handsome groom Luke didn’t want to do a first dance because he’s too shy. Let’s hear a big aaaah for Luke everybody.”

The room was silent apart from a small child shouting, “Get off my ninny,” from underneath a table.

“Come on people, a big aaaah for poor old Luke,” begged the DJ.

A feeble aaah came from the old fogeys’ corner who were now taking it in turns to go into the kitchen to ask what time the buffet was being served.

“So anyway, our Charlene, not being the shy type herself, decided that she would still have a first dance, but with her mates instead, and dedicate it to her brand new husband. So here for one night only are the Hussycat Dolls of Leeds performing for your delight
Don’t Cha Wish Your Husband Was Hot Like Mine
.”

“Bravo, bravo,” cheered Daniel wildly. “Just inspired. Fan-bloody-tastic. You go girls.”

The line of girls were all gently nodding at each other in time to the music as the intro bars to the song came pounding over the speakers. Then they all seemed to draw breath in unison before launching into flamboyant, not quite synchronised arm waving which took them through the entire first verse. This was followed by a moment’s respite before they braced themselves for the chorus. As the first line came up they all jumped forward in the air in unison then stood and gyrated wildly whilst shouting the adapted lyrics at the top of their voices.

Don’t cha wish your husband was hot like mine?

You really shouldn’t wish ’cause from today he’s all mine?

Don’t cha

Don’t cha baby

Don’t cha wish your husband was right like mine?

If you try and steal him I will fight you ’cause he’s mine.

Don’t cha

Don’t cha Baby

The effect was very disturbing. Some of the girls had clearly spent hours perfecting their gyrating whereas some of the more physically challenged looked like clay on a potter’s wheel in the hands of a very poor potter.

By this time Daniel was hysterical.

“You couldn’t pay for this,” he said as he wiped his eyes. “Even my creative genius couldn’t make this up. Although I have to admit I did give Charlene the idea but I never dreamed it would turn out like this. I think I might sign them up. They would be best in show at gay pride, I’m sure.”

To their credit they kept it together right until the last chorus when Charlene lost it. The little kids in the room clearly thought that the all singing, all dancing troupe had been brought in for their entertainment and were now standing in line in front of them attempting to copy their every move. It was not this however that upset Charlene. It was Scott who had stuffed two balloons and a cushion down his front. His bright blue and red cleavage could be seen bursting out of the top of his shirt whilst a gold tassel dangled jauntily out the bottom. He was standing directly behind Charlene mimicking her every move as well as stopping every few moments to clutch his back and pull a pained face behaving every bit the heavily pregnant girl. Charlene finally caught sight of people laughing at something behind her and whirled round to find Scott in mid flow.

“Mum, get Scott away,” she wailed. “Why does he have to ruin everything? It’s not fair. Muuuuuuum, now.”

Charlene’s mum appeared from nowhere and attached herself to his ear and dragged him off.

This took only a moment then Charlene returned to the routine as if nothing had happened.

“What a pro, what a pro,” shouted Daniel as he leapt up for the final line of the song to lead the standing ovation. “Brilliant, just brilliant.”

“She’s quite a performer, your wife,” said Ben, loitering by the bar with Luke who was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

“Tell me about it,” he muttered.

“What do your parents think of her?” asked Ben, trying not to stare at Charlene’s too short skirt bouncing up and down to reveal way too much underwear.

“Don’t care.”

“Where are they? I’ve not seen them yet.”

“Gone home.”

“I see.”

Ben took another long slug of his extra strong lager, the third pint he had managed to down since he had arrived.

“So Luke, you OK with all of this marriage and baby stuff?” asked Ben.

“Yeah.”

“Petrified right? You don’t have to tell me, I can relate to that Luke. Boy can I relate to that,” said Ben, shaking his head before draining his glass. “I mean we’re two young guys in our prime right? Our whole lives ahead of us. We could do anything, go anywhere, be anything, and look at us. One minute you’re thinking that with a bit more practice you could still be a pro footballer and the next minute all bets are off because someone tells you that the next eighteen years of your life have been taken from right under your nose. Just like that. I sympathise with you man. I’m there with you Luke. We’re in this together mate, you and me,” said Ben, flinging an arm around Luke’s shoulders and picking up his next pint.

“And another thing,” said Ben, spilling lager as he waved it in the air. “And I’m sure you’ll agree with this one Luke. So you have a baby right and suddenly you and the mother are supposed to get married and stay together forever, just like that. I tell you, I take my hat off to you mate. I’m young but you’re a bloody child. I know I shouldn’t say this but I can’t believe you’re doing this. I really can’t.”

Luke stared at the ground and started to kick the wall.

“Look you can tell me, man to man like,” said Ben, bending over to try and get Luke to look at him. “Is this what you really want?”

Luke kicked the wall extra hard then raised his head, looking Ben in the eye for probably the first time ever.

“Yes I do,” he said steadily. “Because my dad is a shit. He hates my guts. Just because I’m not like him, he thinks I can’t do anything right. He’s made my life hell. And it’s not the kid’s fault is it? Every kid deserves a good dad. Every kid does, don’t they?”

Ben stood open-mouthed. He had never heard a sentence from Luke, never mind a whole string of them.

“Don’t they?” Luke repeated much louder.

Ben reeled back from the force of Luke’s question and the lager that had got the better of his legs.

Luke grabbed a chair and managed to get Ben to sit on it.

“They do don’t they?” Luke asked Ben yet again.

Ben looked up at him, thinking.

Eventually he said very quietly, “They bloody well do Luke, they bloody well do.” He pulled himself unsteadily to his feet and staggered outside.

Chapter 16

Katy watched Ben get up and go outside from across the room. He’d barely said two words to her the whole evening and she was getting sick of having to make awkward conversation with Matthew and Alison and even more sick of watching Matthew massage Alison’s swollen feet, even if he didn’t look too happy about it. Alison’s smug smile was getting to her in a way she couldn’t bear to think about. She looked away, only to be confronted by the sight of Charlene and Luke locked in a snogathon. She stared at them as they kissed hungrily before participating in some weird ear-biting ritual. When they surfaced for air Luke took Charlene’s hand and led her to a seat. They both sat down and Luke put his arm around her and sat stroking her belly tenderly.

Ben had never stroked her belly. No, that was a lie, she realised. He had done once when she had first started to show. They had been watching a DVD one night and he’d leant over and in one of the most intimate moments they had ever had, he had nudged her top up and gently stroked her bare swollen belly. But it had been way too intimate for her. In her opinion that wasn’t the relationship she had signed up for. They did laughing, they did fun, they did great sex, they did ridiculous conversations way into the night, but they didn’t do intimacy. She’d spent years using intimacy as her warning signal that she was in the potential heartbreak zone, so she had pushed his hand firmly away and got up to go and make a cup of tea.

Just as she was starting to wonder what the hell she had been thinking the DJ’s voice boomed over the loud speaker to introduce the next song.

“For all you lovers out there we have a seriously smoochy blast from the past requested by the mother of the bride herself. So come on you men, get those ladies on the floor and press some flesh.”

Katy shuddered at his turn of phrase then felt her entire body droop as she recognised the opening bars to the eighties hit
Right Here Waiting
by Richard Marx. The dance floor filled instantly and she watched through blurry eyes as a sea of floral dresses squirmed against creased and sweaty blue and white shirts. The song had been a big hit in her first year at university and she remembered painfully how this song in particular had the power to reduce her to a quivering wreck post her break up with Matthew. As she sat there alone watching the love-fest sway in front of her eyes it reminded her far too closely of similar nights she had spent on the edge of the dance floor at the Student Union watching her friends copping off, as she pined for Matthew.