No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (7 page)

Having said that it hadn’t been easy. She had enjoyed basking in the warm glow of shared memories. She could have been tempted to indulge herself totally in a rose-tinted view of times gone by, had it not been for the shadow falling over her whenever she remembered Matthew’s misdemeanour and the future he had cruelly shattered. The future they had spent hours talking about the night before they left for college. The one with the barn conversion and the dogs and the kids. She hadn’t forgotten one detail of what they had planned and neither had she forgotten one moment of the weeks and months she had spent grieving for it. Eventually when she could cry no more Katy had decided that she was never going to go through that again, vowing that she would rely on herself for happiness, not a man.

When she had said goodbye the morning after the reunion, telling him to have a good life, the look on his face was all she needed to know that finally, after all this time, she was totally over it. Crestfallen and bewildered, he clearly had not expected her to be the one to call time on this albeit brief reunion.

Ben had returned that day from his stag-do visibly surprised at the renewed spring in Katy’s step and her desire to bed him immediately. He protested mildly, saying he stank of lager but she had been on a mission, keen to banish her sexual expedition with Matthew to the back room of her memory and replace it with some hi-jinks with Ben.

Everything had settled down again until the day Katy discovered she was pregnant.

“How the hell did that happen?” were Ben’s first words when she finally told him she was pregnant, having decided to ignore the slim possibility that it could be Matthew’s.

“I think it must have been when I had a couple of really bad hangovers from entertaining clients over Christmas and I threw up. I guess it must have stopped the pill working.”

She looked at him nervously, waiting for his reaction. In the end she had to wait for it to evolve over time. He did stunned, he did aghast, he did upset, then he phoned his mum and following an earful from her, he settled on an ongoing state of resigned and detached, with the occasional whiff of secretly excited. As for Katy, having overcome the traumatic task of telling Ben and pushing Matthew’s possible input firmly to the back of her mind, she chose to treat the pregnancy as a non-event. There was no way that she would become a baby-obsessed android like every other woman she knew who got pregnant. She was determined that her personality – and Ben’s – would remain intact, and it would not change their relationship. Life was to carry on as normal.

Normal however was not the word that sprang to mind the when she arrived at work the day after the antenatal class. A second possible father turning up in Week 35 was certainly not covered in the pregnancy guide given to her by the midwife. Neither was there any advice on how to avoid your own baby shower which to her utter dismay was scheduled for that day. She knew she had zero chance of getting out of it since everyone in her office had been surprisingly overexcited at the prospect of throwing her a celebration to mark the impending arrival.

“Well a baby shower is the new wedding darling,” declared Daniel when she had expressed amazement at the elaborate invitations he had designed.

“But it’s just a bunch of people from work going for a drink and a few nibbles isn’t it?” asked Katy.

“Foolish Katy, foolish. Foolish to think that I, Creative Director extraordinaire of this fine establishment, would pass up the chance to vent my huge creative talent on something as cheesy and as far removed from the life of a gay man as you can get as a baby shower.”

“Aah I get it now, you are feeling just a little bit left out of all this procreation stuff and so you are going to do your damndest to gayify it. Loving the fact that I am actually giving birth to Judy Garland on the front of the invite by the way.”

“Don’t mention it. I considered Kylie of course but there was no way a woman of such petit proportions was coming from your genes.”

“You are so right, Kylie would have been preposterous,” she had said at the time, not knowing that giving birth to Kylie would have been infinitely preferable to her current situation.

She heaved a huge sigh as she gathered up her bag and headed out through the door of the agency, painting a fake bright smile on her face to create the illusion of a woman in control.

The smile was knocked right off her face the minute she walked into the restaurant on the fourth floor of Harvey Nichols and saw herself in at least six-foot-high splendour, hanging from the ceiling. Actually it was pretty stunning picture of her if you could get past the fact that her face had been superimposed onto the body of Demi Moore in the famous fully pregnant, fully nude shot that had graced the cover of Vanity Fair in the nineties. Daniel was standing beneath it with an extremely satisfied grin on his face. He rushed over as soon as he saw her.

“You do love it, don’t you Katy? You have never looked better,” he gasped.

“Fantastic. So you’re telling me that I am at my best with my head attached to someone else’s pregnant body?” she asked in amazement.

“But look at your face. Colin in repro worked on it for hours. It took the whole of Tuesday night just to sort out your complexion. But the result is spectacular. Just see what you could look like if you took facials seriously and spent some real money on beauty products.”

“Daniel, you are a true friend. Remind me to call you anytime I need convincing that suicide is the only option,” she said turning away. Normally her banter with Daniel gave her huge enjoyment but not today. She smoothed down her designer maternity dress, bought to show her young colleagues that being pregnant did not mean she had lost her cool. To her horror however she could feel the tears welling up as she headed towards the table which had been tastefully festooned with pure white marabou feathers surrounding a bobbing sea of tiny white storks on the ends of pieces of wire.

“Very nice,” she managed to splutter out as she approached the expectant faces awaiting her arrival.

“Me and Lenny did the table,” said Kim, one of the junior art directors. “We had to fight with Daniel though to stop him going off on one over a drugs theme. He wanted to dangle epidural syringes from the ceiling filled with pink and blue liquid and then for the entertainment to get hold of a canister of gas and air for us all to have a go. Fortunately the restaurant manager put his foot down and said they weren’t insured for customers to bring their own gas onto the premises.”

“Wow, lucky escape,” she said sitting down, painfully aware that she was the centre of attention just when she wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. There was an awkward silence for a moment as Katy found herself at a complete loss, until her boss, the consummate professional, broke the ice to get the celebration going.

“So Katy, tell us all about the nursery, what theme have you gone with?” he asked.

“Oh the room was painted white anyway so we have just left it like that,” she replied.

“Lovely, no need to go overboard eh?” he said sympathetically. “Can’t stand those mega-themed nurseries anyway when absolutely everything has to be bloody Winnie the Pooh. Who needs a fat stupid bear peering at you from every nook and cranny when you’ve only just arrived in the world?”

“But my little Alfie loves Winnie,” said Jane the receptionist. “Honestly Katy, he does. I can go with you to Mothercare if you like. You can get everything to match, it’s fantastic.”

“Erm, if I get time,” said Katy, looking at her boss desperately.

“Right, why don’t we get on with the formalities and then I can relax and have a drink,” he said.

He stood up and tapped a spoon lightly on the side of his glass to get everyone’s attention. Christ, thought Katy. This really was turning into a wedding.

“Well ladies and gentlemen, I have to say it is something of a surprise to be standing here today to toast Katy on her imminent launch into parenthood. I have known Katy sometime now and I am finding it pretty hard to dispel the images I have of Katy when she has behaved, shall we say, not exactly maternally.”

A knowing titter floated around the table.

“Sadly I fear we will never again enjoy the sight of Katy giving a lap dancer a piece of her mind for trying to overcharge one of our clients on a night out to celebrate the success of their ad campaign. I believe your words were, “If you think you can charge a hundred quid to shake your arse in that man’s face, then I think you’ll find me charging double to wave two fingers in yours.” That’s what I love about Katy. She always has one eye on her expense claims.”

Everyone laughed whilst Katy smiled through gritted teeth.

“Also the memory of her insisting on adjusting the position of a male model’s penis for an underwear shoot as she knew exactly how the client would want it, will probably have to be confined to the past, for fear of embarrassing her offspring.”

“She wouldn’t let me get anywhere near his cock, the selfish cow,” muttered Daniel. “If there is anyone who should know how to make a penis look perfect it’s me, surely?”

“This all goes to show how well Katy adapts to any position she is put in. I know despite the fact that she has openly resisted any possibility of domestic bliss in the past, she will adjust just as she always does and be a very successful mother indeed.” He turned to address her directly. “I mean that, I really do,” he said sincerely, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Katy sat paralysed. A successful mother? He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew her current state of affairs.

“Now Daniel has organised an extra special present which he has kept a big secret, so it is with great excitement that I hand you over to him,” her boss concluded.

It was only then that Katy noticed something on the table next to them, a white cloth covering something quite lumpy and about two feet high. Daniel was hovering next to it looking surprisingly uncomfortable.

What the hell had he done this time, Katy wondered? She really must remember to tell him she never wanted to see him again.

“Well Katy, I would just like you to remember that a lot of work has gone into this so you had better like it,” said Daniel.

He pulled the white cloth away with a flourish to reveal a pregnant naked torso topped by a pair of ample breasts, all made from some sort of plaster cast and mounted on a dark wooden plinth.

“I recognise those tits,” chirped Martin, one of the account directors.

“Why?” gasped Katy her mouth wide open, her head shaking gently in utter amazement at Daniel.

“Remember I asked if I could do some shots of your belly to help with the art direction for that maternity wear catalogue.”

“Yeah.”

“Well I lied,” he said, giggling hysterically. “I just wanted a good picture of you so I could get this done. Come on Katy, you didn’t really expect me to get you anything useful for the baby did you? The overzealous use of primary colours just brings me out in a rash.”

“But to have to encounter the public display of my naked body, not once but twice, is harsh Daniel, way harsh,” said Katy.

“Once,” corrected Daniel. “The other one is Demi Moore who obviously doesn’t have the same stupid hang up as you do about celebrating the gloriousness of the pregnant body.”

“Daniel, I weigh an obscene amount more than I usually do, I have stretch marks a mile long and I haven’t seen my pubic hair in months. But I am trying very hard to be grateful that my nipples are making their way at a rapid pace around my belly to check that it’s still there. Please tell me what is glorious about that?”

“All right, all right. Never fear, Louise is on her way with the boring present. Don’t blame me when you have to pretend to look excited about a poo bucket or something.”

At that moment Louise staggered into the room laden with gifts. She was Katy’s personal assistant and resident mother hen. Her desk was full of photos of her kids and she never shut up about their latest escapades. Louise had been overjoyed when Katy told her she was expecting and was full of helpful advice on every aspect of pregnancy and motherhood, quite often knocking on her office door to share some little nugget that happened to cross her mind. Katy had begged for her to be moved to another role but her boss had refused, given that he was quite enjoying watching Katy cringe at Louise’s daily account of her three labours.

“Sorry I’m late. Your bloody phone never stopped ringing,” said Louise glaring at Katy like it was her fault she had been inconvenienced by having to do her job.

“Anything urgent?” asked Katy.

“Don’t think so. Mostly clients, so I said you would call them back after your baby shower, which seemed to shut them up. Oh and some guy called Matthew something or other. Said he was an old friend and he was trying to catch up with you. I have sent his number to your Blackberry.”

The sound of Matthew’s name caused Katy to jump and she dropped a fork noisily on the floor. This gave her valuable moments to compose herself as with some effort she bent her protesting body to pick it up.

“OK, er, I think I know who that could be,” said Katy sitting upright again, trying to ignore the heat rising to her cheeks.

Daniel was staring at her in shock. He was the only person she had told the Matthew story to since her friends, whom she rarely saw, would no doubt recoil in a horrified
Stepford Wives
fashion if she told them she had screwed up something as basic as knowing who the father of her child was. Daniel on the other hand had applauded her promiscuity, proclaiming that she could make a good homo yet. However confusion over who might be the father of her child had rendered him speechless. In fact he had walked away and not spoken to her again until some hours later after he had obviously given it some deep thought. He came up to her office, shut the door behind him and told her that, after some consideration, he thought her only option was to forget Matthew. Bury him deep in a place in her mind she rarely visited and focus on being the best mum she could and help Ben to be the “Dad of the Century.” Then he got up and left the room with Katy having said nothing. It was the only time Katy could remember Daniel being one hundred percent serious and it had scared her. If Daniel took this seriously then there was no denying the situation was indeed serious.