No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (8 page)

“What can I get you to drink Louise?” asked Daniel, still staring at Katy.

“White wine and lemonade please,” replied Louise.

Daniel visibly shuddered at the prospect of having to ask the cute barman for such a concoction.

“Come to the bar,” said Daniel to Katy, already taking her arm to avoid a refusal.

“What the hell,” he spluttered as soon as they were out of earshot. “Is that the Matthew I think it is? I thought he had been confined to the back and beyond of your life?”

“I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet. He turned up at my antenatal class last night. He’s moved back up here,” she hissed back.

“What the hell was he doing at your antenatal class?”

“His wife is pregnant stupid. Why else would he be there?” she said hysterically.

“You have got to be kidding me. You mean he’s having a baby with his wife and he could also be having a baby with you at the same time?” said Daniel, stopping in his tracks.

“We don’t know if my baby is his. I did only sleep with him once. We’ve been over this remember?” she said firmly.

“I know, I know. But now that he’s back in your life, that’s different isn’t it? What are you going to do?”

“Well,” she said, trying to calm down. “This can’t change anything can it? You were right the first time. I still have to ignore what happened. Even more so now his wife is pregnant. I have to assume it’s not his.”

“But he’s already called you,” said Daniel. “He could be enquiring whether you have a good recommendation for babysitters of course but I somehow doubt it. Do you think he suspects anything?”

“Well we all had to say when our babies were due…”

“Oh that is just too weird,” interrupted Daniel. “Imagine being in a room and knowing when the last time everyone had sex was,” mused Daniel.

“Why would it be the last time?” asked Katy.

“Oh come on, you heteros only ever have sex over the age of thirty to procreate. The reason why pregnant women look so serene is because they have been relieved of their carnal duties. So what did Matthew do when you gave your date?”

“He went white and walked out and he didn’t come back.”

“He suspects it could be his then, definitely?” pressed Daniel.

“I guess so.”

“So?” he asked.

“So what?”

“What the hell are you going to do?”

“I have no idea,” said Katy starting to panic again. She looked around the room desperately, hoping the answer might leap out at her only to catch sight of her two naked bodies on public display.

“This is not how it’s supposed to be happening,” she turned to Daniel angrily.

“Hey girl, no need to take it out on me,” said Daniel. “Let’s all just keep calm shall we? You’re absolutely right. This doesn’t change a thing. The plan remains, especially now you know that his wife is pregnant. Matthew is history; Ben is the father, get on with it. You just need to tell Matthew that. Then everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

Chapter 8

Katy dropped a pound coin in the hat of a homeless guy begging outside the pub. For luck, she thought, in the absence of a wishing well. She pushed open the door and immediately knew there was no way she would be seen here by anybody she knew. She noticed with relief the gaudy torn wallpaper that perfectly complemented the mismatched furniture littering the room. Dirty mustard-yellow foam oozed from every padded seat onto the slimy grey carpet, battered by years of abuse. A couple of slot machines tinkled merrily in the corner providing the only hint of cheer in the depressingly awful place. It was empty apart from three people sitting at the bar who looked like they’d been there since lunchtime, possibly the previous day’s lunchtime at that. They were slumped forward talking in a series of high and low pitched noises rather than words, but seeming to still understand each other.

The only other inhabitant was a very fat old lady dressed in a long dirty blue raincoat and a clear plastic headscarf sitting in the corner nursing a pint. She shouted over to Katy as she stepped gingerly over the threshold.

“He’s over there love, made a friend already he has,” said the woman.

Katy looked over to where she was pointing to see Matthew looking as out of place as she must. He was dressed in a smart navy suit and tie and had a very large German Shepherd dog lying across his feet.

“Is that the latest accessory you people from London wear to keep your feet warm,” she couldn’t help but comment as she sat down.

“The bloody thing won’t move and I daren’t kick it or it might bite me. Worse still its owner might,” said Matthew, looking nervously back over to the woman who gave him a big toothless grin.

“Well I think you can safely say his bark is going to be worse than her bite,” she quipped.

Christ where did that come from, she thought. Suddenly I’m a comedian just as I am about to have the conversation from hell.

“Very funny,” said Matthew. “I assumed you wouldn’t be drinking so I got a mineral water rather than a rum and coke. But I’ll get you something else if you would prefer?”

Katy was immediately thrown. She had not drunk rum and coke in years. In fact she had forgotten she ever used to drink such a foul concoction. Matthew clearly hadn’t.

“Water’s fine,” she said, taking a sip. “So how are you?” she asked not quite ready to enter hazardous conversation territory.

“Oh you know. Fine, considering. You?” replied Matthew.

“Yeah, OK I guess, considering. You?”

“You already asked me,” he said. He looked at her through eyes loaded with a thousand questions. He closed them abruptly before opening them again and shaking his head as if in disbelief at what he was about to say.

“Could it be mine?”

She was shocked. She hadn’t expected the question so directly and so quickly. She had imagined plenty of preamble, with them hovering around the real issue for a while, allowing her time to work out how to conclude the meeting. With the absence of time to craft her words, her response was blunt.

“Yes,” she said.

He slumped back in his chair. It was out there now. No going back. Solid earth had been ripped from under them in a moment to be replaced by something so shaky, unknown and unchartered that there was no way of knowing even how to begin to take any steps forward.

They sat there for a long time in silence, both lost in their own internal battle of what to say and do next. Eventually the German Shepherd stirred, looked up at them both and, assuming they needed some time alone, got up and ambled slowly back to his owner.

It was Matthew who was finally able to make the first step into their new world.

“When you say yes, do you mean definitely yes? What about the guy at the class?”

“That’s Ben, the guy I told you about at the reunion. It could also be his. I just don’t know, Matthew.”

“What have you told him?”

“Nothing. As far as he is concerned it’s his. Look Matthew, I found out I was pregnant, did the maths and worked out there was a chance that it could be yours, but surely the fact of the matter is that it’s much more likely to be Ben’s,” Katy babbled. “We only spent one night together for goodness’ sake. I was trying to forget what happened between us. Why worry about something that might not be true? I convinced myself that Ben was one hundred percent the father and that was that.”

“And what do you think now?” asked Matthew.

“It’s easier to forget something when you don’t have any reminders. You turning up here means the tiny little doubt I had won’t shut up.”

Matthew leaned forward and put his head in his hands, covering his eyes. After a moment he started to shake. To Katy’s horror she thought he was crying until he finally lifted his head and appeared to be laughing.

“I have absolutely no idea what you find funny about this?” Katy said.

“The fucking irony Katy,” he replied, looking somewhat manic and angry now.

“The fucking irony that I have been to hell and back for the past five years trying to get pregnant with my wife. Her lack of fertility turned her into a miserable cow quite frankly, which is probably why I ended up in bed with you. But, oh joy of joys, finally it works. She’s pregnant and almost the woman I married again. My life is back on track then you drop the bombshell that after one, just one night of sex, I could have hit the fucking jackpot and fathered another child. I guess all my Christmases must have come at once.” He slumped back in his chair looking utterly defeated.

“This is no Christmas for me either you know. I didn’t plan to get pregnant and not know who the father was.”

“So what were you doing then? How come you are pregnant? I admit I am mortified that I wasn’t smart enough to use contraception but I figured a woman of your years and experience would have it sorted or have the maturity to ask me to use a condom.”

“What on earth is that supposed to mean?” asked Katy angrily.

“That you cannot have been a stranger to that kind of situation and there are no little Katys running around, so I guess you have previously been successful in avoiding pregnancy.”

“You make me sound like some sort of slapper,” said Katy, raising her voice. She hadn’t come here to be insulted. “I don’t just sleep with anyone you know. I only slept with you as some sort of revenge for what you did to me all those years ago. Do you think I would have looked twice at you otherwise? You’re not exactly lighting anyone’s fire anymore, are you Mr. Boring Finance Boy? And yes, I did have it sorted. I was on the pill, but I had been ill and that must have stopped it working. It happens, Matthew.”

“I’m not boring,” retorted Matthew almost shouting. “We can’t all pretend we’re still seventeen you know, working in that grown up playground they call advertising. Some of us decide to get married, settle down and make something of ourselves, get a serious job with a future.”

“Is that what you think? That I have never grown up? It’s a damn sight more mature to do a job you love rather than the dull crap you must do all day.”

“That’s bollocks Katy,” said Matthew, banging the table with his fist.

Suddenly they were aware that they weren’t alone. The barman was standing right in front of them and the lady in the raincoat was peering from behind his back.

“Look, can you just keep it down. You’re upsetting me regulars who have just come in for a quiet drink,” said the barman.

“That’s right. You’re making my dog quite jumpy an’ all,” said the woman.

They looked over to the bar where the three men were slumped, virtually asleep.

“OK mate,” said Matthew quietly.

“And that baby in there int’ gonna grow up contented like, if its mum and dad are arguing like cat and dog,” added the woman for good measure.

“We’re fine,” said Matthew quickly. “Thanks.”

The barman and the old lady shuffled away, satisfied they had sorted out the posh couple.

“Great, even a daft old bat thinks the baby is mine,” said Matthew.

“Look Matthew, this is pointless. You are off the hook, just walk away,” said Katy, deciding to put a swift end to this unpleasant encounter. She got up from her seat and found herself stroking her belly protectively as she looked down at Matthew.

“There is a slim chance, a very slim chance this baby could be yours but doing anything about it will only lead to heartache. You have a wife expecting twins. They need you. We have to make a pact to forget the thought of this small possibility and leave it at that. There is no other way. Now, I need a pee and by the time I come out I expect you to be gone.” She turned and strode to the toilet without a backward glance. The whole situation had given her a headache and she wanted the thinking and the talking to be over. “Enough,” she murmured as she opened the door to the ladies toilet.

Matthew watched her walk away and found himself hoping that she would at least turn around. She didn’t.

“It was good to see you,” Matthew found himself saying as he gathered up his coat and walked out of the door.

Chapter 9

“The primary school down the road has an excellent Ofsted report so we’re hoping that the head is still there by the time the twins are ready for school. Unfortunately the secondary school we are in the catchment area for is pretty poor so we think we’ll have to move before they get to eleven but that gives us plenty of time to check out which the best schools in the area are and where we really want to live.”

Katy was staring at Alison open mouthed. She was yet to buy a single nappy never mind do any thinking on schooling. She was actually still in shock that she was sitting there having a normal, well normal-ish, conversation with Alison at all. After her clandestine meeting with Matthew she had called Daniel with the news. The deed was done. It was over. Daniel of course with his eager beaver nose for searching out the flaws in anything Katy did asked immediately what they were going to do about the baby training class thing that they were both attending.

“Well I am sure that Matthew and Alison won’t turn up again. There’s no way Matthew will risk it. He’ll make some excuse I’m sure,” she said at the time.

“Mmmmm, OK, if you say so,” replied Daniel.

“Don’t say it like that. Look he has too much to lose. You really think he’s going to let his wife get within one hundred yards of me again. He got away with it last time. Letting it happen again would just be plain stupid.”

“Really stupid,” Katy murmured to herself as she glared at Matthew across the classroom. He didn’t look like he was concentrating on the group discussion with the other birthing partners about support options during labour. She kept catching him glancing nervously over to her and Alison. The women were supposed to be discussing pain relief but somehow the conversation had wound around to what Alison thought her kids might be doing in eleven years time.

“Another idea for you to consider is a Happy Box,” cut in Joan trying to steer the conversation back on track. “A Happy Box is a collection of things that make you happy or smile or relax. Like maybe a favourite photograph or soft toy or maybe even a poem. My husband read a whole poetry book to me when I gave birth to our fourth and it was by far my best birth. Can any of you think of something that could help you in the same way. What about you Katy, what relaxes you?”