No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (22 page)

She had no idea how many times the cattle prods returned by the time she heard a loud knock at the door.

“It’s open,” she shouted.

There was a pause followed by a louder more insistent knock.

“Katy, it’s me, I have hot towels and tequila. Let me in,” came Daniel’s voice.

“It’s open,” she shouted even louder.

Another pause.

The knock came back again.

“Katy, are you alright?”

“For god’s sake just open the bloody door,” she screamed.

“Can I help dear?” she heard her neighbour say to Daniel out on the landing.

“Yes, it’s Katy. She rang to say she’d gone into labour and now she’s not answering. Do you know if she left already?”

“Not recently. It’s been dead quiet. Mind you there’s been men coming and going all day. Making a right racket they have, shouting and screaming. I said to my Dave at one point that he should come over and see what’s happening, what with her condition and everything. But he’s bloody useless. Can’t get his arse off the sofa for love nor money. Do you want me to go and knock on our living room wall? It connects to her bedroom and the walls are like paper. We have to turn our telly up some nights, if you know what I mean.”

“Really,” replied Daniel. “Have you had to do that recently then?”

The door flew open.

“The door was unlocked you useless poof. Get in here and do something. Good night Mrs. Jenkins.”

Daniel ran like a startled rabbit into the apartment and the door slammed shut behind him.

“Useless poof? Useless poof? Katy, I normally find your insults entertaining but please use a little creativity. The obvious is so beneath you.”

Katy was holding onto Daniel’s shoulders and puffing like a forty-a-day smoker having just run up the stairs.

“What’s with the white suit?” she finally managed to puff out.

“You mean my labour partner outfit. Well I figured white was really the only option given the medical nature of the event. But we must be careful to not get baby gunk on it as I need to wear it again to Alan and Chris’s civil ceremony next week.”

She gave a low guttural growl.

“Is that really necessary? I have left a cowboy Strip-O-Gram I met last night at Steve’s birthday bash, gagging for it at home, so stop being so mean to me.”

“It’s coming,” she grunted.

“It was but you put a stop to that darling.”

“Not you stupid, a contraction it’s coming just about… now.”

She howled. Then swore. Then howled a lot more.

“Oh my god, what is that thing doing to you,” said Daniel, who looked petrified. “Shit Katy, is this really normal? Jesus Christ, I am not supposed to be doing this. I have made a lifestyle choice that entitles me to have nothing to do with childbirth. What the hell am I doing here?”

“Just help me,” said Katy weakly. “Help me back to bed and then just hold my hand or something.”

“Back to bed. Are you mad? We are going to the hospital now. I can’t be alone with you in this state. You need to be near people with knives and things, for your own safety.”

“No Daniel. The contractions aren’t close enough together yet. I need to wait a bit longer. Call the hospital and tell them I’ve started and that we’ll call them when the contractions are five minutes apart.”

“OK, OK,” said Daniel, who was already breathing as fast as Katy.

Daniel took Katy’s arm and started to lead her back to the bedroom.

“Don’t do that thing again just yet, will you? You know, the wailing thing,” asked Daniel.

“I’ll try,” she said, plopping back down on the bed. “The number is by the bed in the front of that book. You have to ask for the labour ward.”

He picked up the phone and dialled with his back to Katy, hoping that if he ignored her she wouldn’t start making horrible noises again.

“Labour ward and be quick,” he barked.

Katy could vaguely hear the gentle ring at the other end as Daniel was put through.

“They’re not picking up. What are we going to do? Let’s just go down there Katy, please. I can get you there really quick,” said Daniel.

“Labour ward,” said a woman’s voice on the end of the phone.

“Christ, you are there are you? Right, I have a woman here screaming blue murder. Tell me what to do.”

“Is she in labour?”

“No, she’s in Timbuktu. Of course she’s bloody well in labour, why else would I be talking to you?”

“Hey now, just calm down. I know it can be very frightening but you need to be calm for your wife now. You getting upset will not help.”

“She is not my wife,” said Daniel angrily.

“I am sorry sir, girlfriend.”

“She is not my girlfriend. I have more sense. Now please tell me what to do.”

“How far apart are her contractions?”

“How should I know? I just got here and she is screaming so hard I can’t even hear myself think.”

“About twenty minutes,” interrupted Katy.

“She says twenty minutes. That’s close enough right? I’ll bring her straight in.”

“Just hang on one second. Ask her if her waters have broken.”

“Some mucussy discharge,” muttered Katy, bracing herself as the next contraction approached.

Daniel leaned over and held the receiver to Katy’s mouth.

“I love you Katy but there ain’t no way on this planet those words are ever gonna pass these lips. Say it again.”

He pulled the receiver back as soon as Katy had explained what had been going on in the wet stuff department.

“She gave you the right answer, right? I’ll get her in the car pronto, shall I?”

“To be honest, home is where she should be at the moment. Where she’s most comfortable. She’s only in the very early stages of labour and if you bring her in we’ll probably send her straight home again. She is definitely in the right place.”

Katy chose that moment to let out her next yowl. Daniel held the phone up to her mouth again so that the full force of her contraction could be heard.

“Does that sound anything like a woman who is in the right place? She sounds like someone who is in as wrong a place as anyone could be. That is just not normal.”

“Sir, I promise you, it is normal and you will help your friend the most by keeping her where she is and nice and calm. Now call us again when the contractions are five minutes apart or when she thinks her waters have broken fully.”

Daniel stared at the phone.

“Fuck you,” he shouted before slamming it down.

He sat on the edge of the bed, shaking slightly.

“I can do this. This is easy. I have achieved great things with my life. I can get through this. Daniel, this is easy,” he said to himself before taking a few deep breaths and turning around to face Katy with a large fixed smile on his face.

“Fancy a cocktail?” he offered.

“No, I’m pregnant you idiot, I can’t drink.”

“Mind if I have one?”

“Daniel, this is about me, not you. Being my labour partner is about you forgetting what you need and being there for whatever I need.”

“It’s just that you usually say I’m more fun when I have had a few. Thought I might cheer you up more if I had a drink.”

“Daniel, you do have to drive me to the hospital later.”

“Good point,” sighed Daniel.

Katy shifted her body.

“Don’t move too quickly, it may start you off again.”

“I’m fine; my back was just hurting a bit.”

They both stared at the wall for a while.

“You can talk to me you know. Labour doesn’t make you deaf or mute,” said Katy.

“Sorry. I’m just holding my breath waiting for the next contraction thingy.”

“They seem to have gone off a bit.”

“Right, right. So what do we do when that happens?” asked Daniel

“We just wait I guess.”

“For what?”

“For them to start up again.”

“OK, so we just sit and wait. I can do that. That’s fine. We will sit here and chill.”

Both of them fell into silence again.

“For god’s sake,” hissed Katy. “There’s a bottle of brandy in the kitchen cupboard. A small one each shouldn’t do us any harm.”

“Wise, very wise. Good for the circulation. I will be back shortly,” said Daniel scuttling off.

Daniel returned and they both sat sipping their drinks deep in thought. The contractions seemed to have stopped completely for the time being.

“So, are you going to tell me why I am sitting here being your not very good labour partner rather than one of the two possible fathers?”

“Do I have to?” asked Katy, not sure if she had the energy.

“Well yes I think you do, seeing as you are putting me through this. I need to know I’m doing it for good reason.”

She reached over to grip his hand before she swallowed hard and prayed her contractions would give her respite for just a little longer.

“It’s over with Ben,” she said, breathing heavily and increasing the grip on Daniel’s hand.

“How come?” he managed to utter, despite the pain he was in.

“He knows everything,” she said. “Now he’s gone for good and I hate myself.” She released Daniel’s hand and rolled over onto her side to let the silent tears fall unobserved. Daniel shook his hand vigorously to try and restore some sense of circulation.

“Then Matthew came and he kissed me,” she muttered, barely audible.

Daniel leapt up and ran around the bed, throwing himself onto the bed next to her and thrusting his face right into hers.

“You are kidding me?” he said.

“No,” she said, shaking her head slowly, tears dripping off the end of her nose.

“What did you do?” asked Daniel, almost bouncing up and down on the bed with the excitement of the drama.

“Kicked him out.”

“Come on,” he said, punching the air. “Serve the toe rag right, what an utter slut.”

Katy thrust her head in her pillow and wailed.

“Not you, him,” said Daniel. When she refused to look at him he lay down next to her and pulled her towards him.

“I am a slut,” she cried into his shoulder.

“No Katy. You’re not. One night of unfortunate sex does not make you a slut,” replied Daniel. “Believe me, I know a slut when I see one.”

Eventually the tears subsided and Daniel heard a faint snore. He heaved a huge sigh of relief and gently laid her back down against her pillow. He picked up the bottle of brandy and his glass and left the room.

He went to the kitchen and shut himself in before guiltily pouring himself a very large drink. He downed it in one before pouring another one, this time taking his time over the amber liquid, deep in thought. After maybe half an hour he made a decision. He got up a little unsteadily and started to systematically search the flat until he eventually found Katy’s phone under a chair in the living room. He returned to the kitchen, shutting himself in again and started to scroll through her numbers until he found Ben’s.

He pressed the call button and tried to steady his rapidly beating heart.

“Just calm down Daniel,” he said to himself. “It’s not like you are calling to ask him out.” He shuddered at the image of him and football nut Ben as a couple.

The phone seemed to ring endlessly until finally going through to voicemail. He left a fairly abusive message telling Ben that if he didn’t call back within the next five minutes he would personally nominate him for “Perfect Partners” in next month’s bestselling Leeds gay magazine.

He sat there drumming his fingers, willing the phone to ring. At five minutes on the dot he picked the phone up again and started to scroll down Katy’s phone book.

First he looked to see if “Ben’s Mum” came up or even “Ben’s Dad.” Nothing. He racked his brains trying to remember if Katy had ever mentioned a brother or a sister as he kept scrolling, desperate for some inspiration. He got all the way through the list without finding anything. He started again, praying he might have missed something, and stopped as a name caught his eye.

“Braindead.”

Either Katy had a particular dislike of one of her clients or this had to be a friend of Ben’s. His thumb hovered over the call button. Worth the risk he thought. He took another swig of brandy and pressed down hard.

After a couple of rings someone picked up.

Chapter 20

“I’m havin’ a piss, hold on,” came a voice at the other end of the phone, followed by the unmistakable tinkle of urine falling at speed into a tin urinal.

“Sorry about that, who is it?”

“It’s Daniel here. I am a friend of Katy’s. Ben knows me and I need to speak to him urgently. Are you with him?”

“Who?”

“Daniel. I know Katy and Ben. I need to speak to Ben. Do you know where he is?”

“He’s sitting here. What you calling me for?”

“Because I can’t get through to him.”

“I can give you his mobile number. Call him tomorrow though ’cause he’s shit-faced.”

“No wait, it’s urgent, I need to talk to him now. His girlfriend is in labour.”

“What? Hang on a minute,” said Braindead. “Shut the fuck up will ya. I’m trying to be Ben’s secretary and I can’t hear what this posh bloke is saying,” Daniel heard Braindead shout.

“Say again?”

“I said it’s imperative I speak to Ben now, about Katy?

“And how would you be spelling that?”

“Look it doesn’t matter. Just let me speak to Ben.”

“Well you see I would, but he’s kind of in mourning like. Mourning of the getting utterly hammered variety owing to Katy totally throwing him over a bridge this morning.”

“I know that but I need to speak to him, it’s urgent.”

“Well I’ll try. What did you say your name was?”

“Daniel.”

“Oi, Ben. Some bloke called Daniel needs to speak to you about Katy.”

“Tell the gay bastard to fuck off,” Daniel heard in the distance at the other end of the line.

“He said, tell the gay bastard to fuck off. No offence like mate. He doesn’t actually think you are gay, he’s just saying that because he’s pissed.”

“That’s charming. Just tell him that Katy has gone into labour will you?”

“He says Katy’s in labour.”

“Katy who? I don’t give a fuck.”

“Did you hear that?” Braindead asked Daniel.

“Look I know what Katy did was wrong and she feels terrible believe me, but she needs him right now to compartmentalise his anger and be with her.”