No Surrender (9 page)

“Ha, you should be so lucky.”

“I should. So would Eric.”

“He’s proud. He lost his parents, his sister. I know he’s feeling a little bit like the world might be against us. You know, like it’s a chink in his armor for him to love someone so thoroughly.”

“So he wants to pop the question, but he’s afraid.”

“Maybe a little. Like as soon as he admits he wants me forever, something will take me away.” Rachel shook her head.

“You know, I understand that. I really do. I feel a little bit like that, too.”

“Complicated things, my friend. I mean, I can’t promise nothing will ever happen to me. Anything can happen to any of us. Everything that we think is a guarantee isn’t. Nothing is absolute. I wish I could change that for both of you. Maybe you’re luckier because you know that.”

“Maybe,” Kentucky agreed. “But I’d love to have no idea that’s how things work. I’d love to— No, you know what? That’s not true. I don’t feel that way at all.” She had some things she needed to think about.

“Are you guys going to talk the rest of the day away or come swim?” Sean waded over to them.

They frolicked, splashed and laughed until dark, when they went their separate ways. Once they were back at Kentucky’s place, Sean said, “So was today a good day?”

“Yeah, you totally thought of everything. It was like all the old times became new.”

“It was like healing balm for me, to replace old memories of those places with new ones. Even if the old memories were good.”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “The best memories are layered things with different depths and textures that all come together to make a certain whole.”

“Exactly that.” He pulled her into his strong embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head.

She felt so safe, so warm and for one horrible minute as if that was exactly where she belonged. Horrible because that just wasn’t possible. Sean Dryden couldn’t be her idea of home.

“Can I stay?” he asked.

“Yeah. You can stay until your leave is over.” She turned her cheek against his shoulder. “If you want.”

“I’d like that.”

10

S
EAN
D
RYDEN
HAD
started to feel a sense of contentment and peace that he’d never had. And it was all thanks to Kentucky. As much as he believed he needed to be worthy of the way that she looked at him, he didn’t feel as if he had to be something he wasn’t when he was with her. He felt that if he gave his best for her, for himself, then it was enough.

It was a strange dichotomy that made him want to be better, be more, even though he felt as though his self was enough.

His guilt about Lynnie had started to fade ever so slowly.

Being with Kentucky wasn’t the only factor. Spending time with Eric and Rachel, coming back to Winchester, and exorcising all the old haunts had helped, too.

The first time he’d spoken to Eric after Lynnie died...the first thing he’d said was “It’s not your fault.” That had been a knife that twisted so deep in his gut he hadn’t known if he’d ever be able to dig it out. Now, instead of a wound or a weapon, it was a balm.

He was so grateful that he hadn’t lost his friendship with Eric, too. If Eric had blamed him, he’d never have gotten over it.

Kentucky felt so good in his arms that he wanted to keep her there.

He started wondering what it would be like to have her for always, not just for now. Except he knew that wouldn’t be fair to her, not with his current job.

His phone started buzzing on the nightstand. He could see from the caller ID that it was his commanding officer.

Yeah, for exactly this reason. This was why it wouldn’t be fair to her.

He untangled himself from the warm, sweet woman in his arms and answered.

“Dryden, you’ve been recalled.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Report to Fort Leavenworth. And, Dryden?”

“Yeah?”

“Move your ass. Shit went south and it went south bad on an op in Colombia. It’s not a rescue mission, because there are no survivors.”

“Yes, sir.”

A knot tightened in his gut. He knew the mission he was talking about. This group of guerrillas had just called down a wholesale slaughter on themselves.

He looked down at Kentucky and scrawled her a note. She deserved better than a note on her pillow, but he didn’t have time for anything else.

Sean got dressed and took one last look at Kentucky before he headed back to the motel where he’d left his gear.

He looked at his phone to check the time after he packed up the few things he had scattered across the room. It was 3:00 a.m. He texted Eric to see if he was awake.

His phone rang shortly after.

“Yeah, I’m awake,” Eric said. “What’s up? You okay?”

“I just got recalled. My leave is over.”

“Thought you had another week?”

“I was supposed to have another three.”

“Shit, what happened?”

“Classified. But needless to say, I’m going. I don’t want to leave Kentucky vulnerable. That girl deserves more from me than a note on her pillow.”

“Probably,” Eric agreed. “How can I help?”

“Can you tell her that I was recalled? I mean, I left it in the note, but that feels like such a shitty thing to do.”

“You could wake her up.”

“And spill my guts all over her about how I don’t want to leave her, make her worry? I’d see the look in her eyes and want her to know I’d do anything not to see it. You know?”

“Yeah, man. I do know. I really do,” Eric said. “I’ll tell her if I think she needs to hear it. But you and Kentucky have never been in the habit of lying to each other. So I’m sure she’ll take your note at face value.”

“We might have something, Eric.”

“Might? After I saw the way you two were looking at each other, there’s no doubt in my mind you have something. But if it’s a real something, it’ll still be there when you get back.”

“I don’t know about that. Timing is everything.”

“Sean?”

“Yeah?”

“Take care, brother.”

“As much as I can.”

“Your enlistment is coming up, isn’t it?”

“What does that matter?”

“I’m getting out.”

“Why?” Such a thing sounded so foreign to him. Sean was army for life. He loved his job. Loved what he did. He thought Eric did, too.

“I’ve already got the approval from the Department of Defense to be an independent contractor.”

“You mean mercenary?”

“Yeah. I’m starting my own company. I want you to come work for me. I need a pilot. The money is better and the benefits will be, too. And when you need to be home, you can.”

“Thanks for the offer.”

“But?” Eric prompted.

“But that’s not something I ever considered. Even the idea of it sounds crazy.”

“More money for the same job you do now plus autonomy? Gee, man. Wild.” Eric laughed. “Just think about it. I don’t need an answer tomorrow. The door is always open. I’ve got some top-secret clearance that makes me think that I’m going to need more than one pilot for the foreseeable future.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it.” It would take some pretty serious life changes for that to happen, but the idea wasn’t without merit.

“But not while you’re on this mission. Let me know when you’re back safe and sound. I’m sure Kentucky will want to know, too.”

“I will. Take care, brother.” Sean hung up.

* * *

A
ND
FOUR
DAYS
LATER
,
when his chopper went down over the Colombian jungle, Kentucky Lee was all he could think about.

All the reasons why he had to get back to her, and all the reasons why he should just let things end as they had.

In many cases, the reasons were one and the same.

While Sean was looking up at a canopy of trees, hiding in underbrush from the guerrillas who’d shot him down and praying to God Almighty that the clutch of giant bird-eating spiders nesting near him didn’t decide he looked tasty, he wondered what she was doing.

If she missed him.

If she thought of him.

If she understood why he’d had to leave.

When he heard the men hunting him murder tribesmen while questioning them as to his whereabouts, he wished he could hear the sound of her voice.

Even when he considered showing himself to save those innocent lives, he wondered what she’d want him to do. If she wanted him to come home to her a coward for holding his position in the darkness and letting men die to preserve his secret, or if she’d rather he die a hero.

He didn’t want to die, but if he had to, he’d rather go out having made the world a better, safer place.

But if he revealed himself, these people still wouldn’t be safe. They’d still be under the thumb of this cartel.

He kept thinking about completing his mission.

He kept thinking about going home.

But first he had to find the rest of his team. He wasn’t about to leave anyone behind.

These fuckers had already killed other operatives. Sean Dryden was going to wash that blood off their hands with their own. There was no prettier sight, other than Kentucky Lee with the moonlight on her hair.

He moved stealthily away from the tiny hidden village and looked for broken underbrush, twigs and torn leaves. He looked for signs or markers carved into trees, something—anything—that would help him find the rest of his team.

There were predators in the jungle that were almost as dangerous as the men who hunted them. Almost.

As soon as he knew they were going down, his team had jumped. They were several miles away from the drop site. He knew anyone who could make their way there would.

Even with his head in the game, Kentucky was still there in the back of his mind. Still waiting for him in a place that was soft and smelled of home. It burned away the scent of gunpowder and fire in his nose.

He kept moving, kept searching, determined that things wouldn’t end this way for him or his team.

Sweat poured down his face, the humidity making all movement feel like walking through warm water, making every inhalation feel like breathing it, too.

He heard a rustling up ahead, but he couldn’t risk calling out.

Then the world went dark.

11

K
ENTUCKY
HADN
’
T
BEEN
surprised to find him gone when she awoke. She’d known it was coming. What had surprised her was the note.

Although he’d been gone now for a month and no one had heard a damn thing from him. Not even Eric.

It would be easy to think that he’d exorcised his demons and now he was just done with them and everything from Winchester. It was what it looked like on the outside.

But she knew Sean better than that.

She was worried something had happened to him, felt it in her gut with a sure knowing the same as she’d known her aunt had died before she got home from school the day she passed.

Kentucky was so sure that she’d badgered Eric into using his connections to find out if he’d made it back yet.

Apparently, the mission he’d been called on had been open-ended. It was to continue until they ran out of funding or the mission was accomplished.

Which in Kentucky’s mind meant no one had heard from him and he was dead.

It would almost be better if it were that easy, but she knew it wasn’t. She knew he was still alive and felt it in her bones. She needed to do something to help him, but she didn’t know what.

It didn’t help that she’d been sick as a dog for the past week. She could barely keep anything down except pizza and sour gummy worms, and that wasn’t exactly the picture of health.

Kentucky had started telling her customers that if they wanted to get their vehicles in, they needed to call in advance instead of just dropping them off. That way she could still get their business but she didn’t have to keep the garage open when she felt like shit.

Rachel had come over and brought with her some chicken broth, which so far had been sitting okay.

“Thanks, Rach. You’re a gem. Are you sure you want to sit here and eat with me?” she said over the small round table covered in red gingham that sat in her kitchen. “I could be contagious. This flu is a real bastard.”

“Honey,” Rachel started, “I don’t think you have the flu.” Rachel pursed her lips.

“Well, what else could it be? Food poisoning? I’ve had it for a long time.”

“Yeah, not that either.” Rachel looked at her expectantly.

“What are you...?” Kentucky raised a brow. “Um, no. We were so careful. There is no way I’m pregnant.”

“Are you sure? The only way that’s one hundred percent foolproof is to not let him park his car in your garage, if you know what I mean.”

“Of cour—” Shiiiiit. The last two times they’d had sex, he hadn’t worn a condom. She had been planning to go to the pharmacy for the morning-after pill and she just...hadn’t. “Oh my God, Rachel.”

“Hey, don’t freak out. Everything is fine. No matter what happens, it will all be okay and I’m here for you. Whether that means I go with you to the doctor once—” she nodded meaningfully “—or I’m there with you holding your hand when the baby is born, or if this is just a scare and we’ll laugh about it over beers and pool tonight at Eddie’s. Okay?” Rachel kept nodding.

“Okay.” She inhaled, holding her breath for several seconds before exhaling. Kentucky repeated the act several times before she felt as if her world had come back into focus.

There was a niggling little voice in her head that told her that if she just went to bed and hid herself under the covers, this would all go away and she’d feel fine in a few days.

But it had already been a few days and she felt like shit.

She’d also missed her period.

When the headaches had started, she’d thought it was just her hormones because her period was about to start.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to finish the soup. Then we’re going to go to the drugstore and we’re going to buy a test.”

“Two tests,” she interrupted.

“Five if it will make you feel better, but you’re going to have to drink a lot of water,” Rachel ribbed.

“My mind is going a thousand places at once. Some are amazing and beautiful, and others are...not so much. Others are terrifying and I have never felt more alone. I’ve never missed my mother and my aunt the way I do in this moment right now. I’ve never been more in need of their guidance.”

“I can never take the place of your mom, but you know I’m here for whatever you need. My mother, too. Hey, you know...” She gave her a wicked grin. “If you give my mom a baby to fuss over, maybe she’ll stop bothering me.”

“You are so not funny. Not in the least.” But Kentucky smiled anyway.

“So before you put the cart too far before the horse, before both of us do, let’s go get the test.”

Kentucky tried not to let her mind run every scenario, but she couldn’t help herself. What would she do if she was actually pregnant?

More important, would she tell Sean?

The problem wasn’t that she was afraid he wouldn’t help her. Or that he’d be angry. He’d do the right thing.

If she ever had the chance to see him again.

She tried to push it out of her head, but it was there in the back of her brain like some chant.

Her world was about to change no matter what the test said.

There was part of her that hoped for both outcomes.

The idea of a baby wasn’t as terrifying as she’d initially thought. Especially Sean’s baby. Her whole life had been building up to chasing freedom, but she realized that freedom wasn’t really what she wanted.

She was pretty free now. She had nothing tying her to Winchester. Not really. Her family had all passed and her business, well, she could move that anywhere.

No, the truth, the real reason she hadn’t finished Betty, was that she wanted roots. She wanted a family.

If she was pregnant, she’d get that.

It would be a small family. Tiny, really. Just her and the little life she’d brought into the world. Suddenly, that sounded like a little bit of heaven.

But it was terrifying, too. It would force her to make choices for her child instead of herself. It would cause her whole world to shift.

If she did see Sean, if she was able to tell him, he’d demand to be part of everything even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

He’d have the right to an opinion on her life because it would affect his child. They’d be tied together forever.

And if she wasn’t pregnant, this realization about home and family would be the loneliest, saddest place she could go inside her own head.

So she guessed it didn’t matter what the test said.

Her life had already changed, as had who she was inside.

She’d never been such a twisted-up mess of hope and fear.

Kentucky’s thoughts were on a loop as they drove to the store. As they paid for the tests. They seemed to have more weight than just two little paper boxes should in a small plastic bag. As she carried them out of the store, it was like hauling bricks.

Rachel stopped at the grocery store and bought some ice cream. She just seemed to know that Kentucky would need it no matter what the test told them.

She took both tests in rapid succession and placed them on the sink counter to wait.

They were both almost instantly positive.

Kentucky waited, afraid to breathe, afraid to hope, afraid to experience any feeling until she knew unequivocally what the results were.

She waited three minutes. She waited ten minutes.

They were both still positive.

She was pregnant with Sean’s child.

The terrified feeling didn’t go away and she started crying. Not just watery eyes or a few tears slipping down her cheeks, but big ugly sobs.

Rachel knocked on the door softly. “Kentucky, honey...are you all right?”

“No. Not at all.”

Rachel pushed the door open gently and, seeing the positive tests, pulled Kentucky into her arms.

“It’s all going to be okay. I promise you.” Rachel stroked her hair.

Kentucky let herself be comforted. “What am I going to do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Kentucky dared whisper her secret desire aloud. Dared to fling it out in the universe and own it. “I want to have a family. I want to be a mother.”

“Then that’s what you’ll do, my dearest.” Rachel hugged her tight. “On the plus side, this gives us an edge when it comes to getting information about Sean. We’ll be able to talk to his commanding officer and while we won’t get any classified information, they’ll be able to tell us a little more. Or get a message to him.”

“I’m terrified to tell him,” Kentucky confessed.

“Why? Do you think he’s going to be an asshole?”

“No, I know he won’t be. I know he’ll do what he thinks is the right thing.”

“I understand. You want to be wanted for you, not for the baby you made together.”

Kentucky nodded. “And it’s more than that. He doesn’t want any commitments tying him down and with his job, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to live that way.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never knowing when he’s coming back, if he’s coming back? Living like this, like we are now, in the shadow of doubt. We don’t know if he’s alive, dead or just what’s going on. But I’d never ask him to give up part of himself.”

“You wouldn’t have to ask.”

“I know.” Kentucky shook her head. “Which is why there’s this part of me that just doesn’t want to tell him.”

“That’s not fair, honey. I know this is scary, but he deserves to know. Can you imagine how that would feel to him that you didn’t trust him enough to share this with him? Or even your baby when she is old enough to ask? You’ve never been a liar.”

“No, I haven’t. I wouldn’t do that. It’s just all of these feelings are so intense.”

“If it’s okay with you, I’m going to tell Eric so he can try again to get some answers.”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to if I want to talk to Sean. Tell him.” Kentucky bit her lip. “I hope he’s okay.”

“I bet he’s fine. We’d know if he wasn’t.”

That was the problem. Kentucky did know. He wasn’t fine.