No Surrender (13 page)

“Now it doesn’t?”

“No.” She shook her head. “See, I’ve had that freedom all along. I’m completely, utterly unfettered by anything. There’s nothing holding me here. Or anywhere. That’s the problem. I don’t want to be tossed around on uncertain seas. I want roots. I want a family. And I realized I had that, too. With you.” Then she rushed to add, “With Rachel, Lynnie and Eric, too. Sometimes family is a choice.”

“So you’re going to stay here?”

She nodded. “I love my business, and I love the people here. I want our baby to have a network of friends, family—those roots that will hold her grounded and strong but give her wings, too.”

“I like that way of looking at things.”

“Were you really going to move to wherever I wanted to go? I was seriously considering Vegas. There’s a great market there for restored Bettys. I could have a pretty thriving business.”

He turned up his nose. “Vegas is dirty, loud and expensive. And hot as hell.”

“It’s a dry heat.” Kentucky grinned.

“So is the sun,” he grumbled. “But of course I’d go.”

“You’ve done everything you said you would so far.” She nodded. “I wanted to tell you that it means so much to me. Not just because I want my way, but because it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I really can do this. We can do this and we don’t have to lose each other.”

“Why would we have to lose each other?”

“Fighting over things with the baby. Where I’m going to live, the job you’re going to have, what brand of car seat to use, who will pay for what...” She shrugged. “Stupid stuff where we forget what we meant to each other.”

“That is never going to happen. I promise you, Kentucky.” It was a promise he meant to keep, the same as any other that passed his lips. “Maybe we should start hammering out some of those things.”

Her hand went down to her belly, and then she laughed. “I’m not even showing yet, but whenever I have something I need to think about, I just seem to use it as a kind of touchstone.”

“She won’t lead you wrong, I’m sure.”

“Do you think it’s a girl or a boy?”

“We seem to keep saying
she
, so maybe it’ll be a girl.”

“Would that disappoint you?” she asked tentatively.

“Of course not. Healthy is all I care about.”

“Me, too.” She sighed. “If it is a girl, I want her middle name to be Lynnette. Would that be weird for you?” She pressed her lips together. “I mean, naming your child after your ex. That’s weird, right?”

“No. She was our best friend. We loved her. We still love her.”
But that doesn’t take away anything from the way I feel about you,
he wanted to say. “If it’s a boy, his middle name should be Lyn, too. New life honoring what’s lost.” He nodded.

She flung her arms around him then. “Thank you.”

Oh Christ, but it felt so good to hold her. To feel her softness pressed up against him in perfect trust. He was starved for her—the feel of her in his arms, the scent of her hair, the softness of her skin.

He could drown in her forever.

“Stay with me,” he whispered. When she stiffened and began to pull away, he added, “Just for a little while. Just let me hold you.”

She sniffed a giggle. “I’ve heard that before. I know where that leads.”

“Nowhere you don’t want it to go.” He searched her face. “I’ve kept all of my other promises. Won’t you believe I’ll keep this one?”

15

K
ENTUCKY
ALLOWED
HIM
to lean back on the hospital bed and take her with him.

It felt better than anything had in a long time. It felt better even than the first time he’d touched her. The first time he’d made love to her.

She almost believed that she could lay down her burdens on his shoulders and he’d be her shelter, her home, her forever.

It was what he’d offered.

But she knew he’d offered it only out of duty. The worst part was, she knew he’d talked himself into believing it was actually what he wanted. She was going to save him from that. She didn’t want him to wake up ten years from now wondering where the hell his life had gone and wishing he hadn’t made this choice. She didn’t want him to give up being a pilot, give up what he felt was his purpose in life just because she couldn’t handle it.

Lying there, cradled in his arms as if she were some kind of treasure, touched places inside her that she’d known were sore without understanding just how broken, how exposed, how very raw they actually were until he strummed them with his kindness and his devotion.

Thinking that her future could be filled with moments like this one almost lulled her into a sense of complacency. Of letting herself say yes to a future with him.

Until fear reared its ugly head and whispered to her all the ways he could, and would, be taken from her.

Until it reminded her what it would be like, even if he worked with Eric—God, then she’d be waiting to hear about losing them both.

There was a new voice in the back of her mind, though, that reminded her what it meant to love someone. It meant opening yourself to pain, to loss, to suffering. But when had that ever stopped her before?

Why should she let that stop her now?

Why, indeed.

She inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

The life she’d hardly ever let herself dream about was right in the palm of her hand. All she had to do was close her fingers around it and say, “Yes, this is mine.”

But she didn’t.

Instead she lay in silence with him, holding his scarred hand.

The rest of his recovery passed quickly and when he was discharged from the hospital, he took a room at a motel.

That felt wrong, but what felt right was wrong, too.

She wanted to offer to take him home with her, but she knew that would only lead to something they’d both regret.

All of this would’ve been so much easier if he were an asshole. Then she could just hate him and never think about him again.

No, that was a lie. She wouldn’t stop thinking about him, but maybe she could stop longing for him. Stop missing the way his lips felt on hers, the warmth of his body next to hers. That utter divinity when their bodies were joined...

He came over a few days after he’d been discharged with Chinese food.

When she saw him walk through the door of her garage, her insides melted into a happy glow. The very sight of him was a balm.

She grinned and waved at him. “Is that for me?”

“Yes, ma’am.” His grin morphed into a smirk.

“What’s got you making that face?” She arched a brow as she took the bag from him, inhaling the scent of the crab Rangoon and egg-drop soup. Her mouth watered.

“You’re going to be so cute in those coveralls once you really start showing.”

“I’m going to look like a blue beach ball.”

“It’ll be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Are you going to be here?” At the look on his face, she realized she shouldn’t have asked. He’d been the one to keep to her rules. No pressure. Now here she was asking if he was going to stay, which would lead to one of those deeper, emotional conversations that she’d said she wanted to avoid. Why couldn’t they just enjoy their Chinese food?

Because
, that voice answered her,
that’s not how these things work.

“Actually, I have made a decision.” He followed her upstairs to the apartment and set the table. “I thought about what you said, about giving up my dreams. And you’re right—I don’t want to do that.”

“See?” Why did that make her stomach sink?

“But if I did, it would totally be my choice. It’s something I would choose with open eyes. Eric’s offer means I don’t have to. I can have both things I want. Time to be a good father and serve my country, while making much better money. So I’m going to tell him tomorrow and file my paperwork.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“One thousand percent.”

“Okay.”

“There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

She didn’t like the sound of that.

“It’s just an idea.”

Kentucky sat down and stared at him, mouth pursed. She didn’t know why she was already feeling so defensive. He’d been nothing but supportive and encouraging. He actually hadn’t tried to push his agenda at all.

“Okay, go ahead.”

“I think you—we—should consider buying a house.” He studied her face for a long moment before replying again. “Your apartment upstairs is only one bedroom. That’s not viable long-term. If we buy a house, we can afford more together than alone. We could give the baby a more stable environment instead of shuffling back and forth to each other’s houses. And I really don’t need a house to myself if I’m taking ops.”

She stared at him, unsure of what to say. His words made sense, but the idea was scary. It was relationship territory, even if he denied that was what he was doing.

“I don’t know.”

“We’d each have our own rooms. I’m not trying to push anything that way. I can’t say I’d like you dating anyone else. In fact, it would kill me, but I’m not going to interfere in your life. I just want to be close to the baby.”

“Sean...” What was she doing? This man she loved said that he wanted her, wanted to build a home and a family with her.

Why was she so afraid to say yes? Anything could happen. She knew that. Anything bad. Anything good. Why couldn’t she just say yes?

“Just think about it. We have some time.”

“What about the garage? I like the security of someone living here.”

“We could rent it out. Hire someone to help you and make that part of the salary.”

“I don’t need help.”

“You might. I want you to be able to take as much time as you need to and having someone you trust in the shop will give you that freedom.”

“What, no offering to cover all of my bills?” That was the last thing she wanted, but it was as though he had this whole thing all planned out with no thought as to how it made her feel or what she wanted. She knew he thought he was doing the best he could for all of them in the situation but he needed to learn to talk to her about it instead of getting all gung ho as if he were the mission commander and she were the grunt.

“Kentucky, if I thought for one second you’d let me, I’d be all over it. But I know how important your independence is to you.”

“I really wish you’d stop being so damn perfect.” She sighed.

“You know I’m far from it. I’m fighting my own selfishness every day I see you, Tuck.”

She bit her lip. She’d wanted to hear it, wanted to know that he was still just as affected by her as she was by him.

She knew that was just as selfish. “I guess I am, too.”

“Will you indulge my selfishness? Just this once?”

She licked her lips. “How?”

“Let me kiss you.” The plea in his voice was devastating.

“Just a single kiss?”

“I told you, when I was in that hell, all I thought about was kissing you. Coming back to you. I couldn’t stand the idea I’d never touch you again, never feel your lips. I touched your face, just like I’d dreamed about. Now let me kiss you.”

“You’re kind of a bastard.” His words drove daggers into her heart.

Maybe he really had meant everything he’d said to her. That just made it worse.

“I’m a lot of a bastard,” he agreed.

She stepped closer to him and put her hands on his shoulders, staring up into his familiar face.

Oh, how she loved him. She was practically brimming with it. He had new lines around his eyes, a new depth to the darkness, and damn if she didn’t find that even more appealing than when he’d been the golden all-American boy next door.

She drank him in, standing there before her with his heart on his sleeve and that one small request on his lips. Kentucky reminded herself of how she’d felt when she didn’t know where he was, when she knew he was injured.

She reminded herself how she’d felt when she didn’t know if he was going to wake up.

She reminded herself that they’d made this child inside her together.

The reality of him standing there, it wasn’t something she’d ever thought she’d have.

“Kiss me, then.” The way she lifted her chin made it almost a dare.

His lips descended slowly and hovered over hers, their breath mingling, and for a single moment, they breathed as one.

She swallowed hard, anticipation tightening into desire. “Aren’t you going to?” Kentucky whispered.

“I want to remember this.” He brushed her lips with his. “I want to remember the arc of descent as your eyes close and you tilt your face up to me. The way the light from the setting sun highlights your hair. The smell of your skin, the taste of your breath.” He pulled her closer. “The soft press of your breasts against my chest.”

Emotion was like a vise and it squeezed her until she couldn’t breathe. “Why did you ever say that you had no pretty words to give me?”

“When did I say that?” His crooked thumb grazed across her cheek.

“At Mossy Rock. Before we had sex. You said I deserved pretty words but you had none.”

“I still don’t.” His breathing had become more ragged, as had hers as the intensity of their intimacy notched each feeling higher.

“Those you just gave me were beautiful.”

“It’s how I feel, but I guess maybe it is beautiful to feel those things. To share them. But that’s not what we’re doing here, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m giving you everything—all I have. All my darkness, my fear, my weakness. I’m confessing it all. And you’re giving me a kiss.” He pressed his lips to hers softly again. “But it’s okay because that’s all I asked for. All I know I can have.”

“You want me to rip my heart open and spill all my guts on the floor in front of you?”

“No. I just want to kiss you.” This time the press of his mouth was hard and almost punishing, but there was something just so erotic about the blatant expression of his need. “I want to kiss you until the last star has burned to nothing.”

Dear heaven, he should’ve been a poet. He knew exactly what he was doing, the way his words affected her. He was a smart man. She broke away, panting. “You said you wouldn’t push.”

“And I’m not. I’m just kissing you. You said I could. I’m going to kiss you all the ways there is to kiss another person and I’m going to tattoo them into my memory so I don’t ever forget. So I can keep each one with me.”

What could she do when faced with that?

She could burn.

She could melt.

She could surrender.

Kentucky wrapped her arms around his neck and tilted her face up to meet him. Her lips were swollen from the onslaught, bee-stung and tingling. But she wanted more—no, she needed it. She needed it more than the blood in her veins, the heart in her chest or the air in her lungs.

She clung to him, remembering what he’d said about feeling her softness against him, the contrast of his firm chest, the heat of him burning her through their clothes. He was so strong, so vital—so very much alive.

It was as if all of those possibilities that kept her afraid, that kept her from taking everything that she’d always wanted, began to melt.

So she kissed him back.

She kissed him with all the need, all the passion and all the love that had welled up within her, heavy and earthy and somehow effervescent at the same time.

He tightened his grip on her, enveloping her in all that was him.

But she wasn’t ready to step off the ledge.

He broke the kiss and held her against him for a long moment before letting her go. “Our Chinese is getting cold.”