No Surrender (8 page)

Kentucky scrubbed a hand down her face. “Oh my God.”

“Look, I always figured it was just the cherries. At first I thought you were just trying to make me feel better.”

“Did it work?”

“Yeah, momentarily. Until I realized you were hammered.”

“Well, I’m thoroughly embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. We were kids.”

“I’m also irritated that I can’t remember it. It would have saved me a lot of angst.” She covered her mouth. “Forget I said that part.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s gross.”

“Gross? How? You think I never saw how you looked at me?”

“Oh, let’s not do this.”

“Why not? You were talking about intimacy earlier. A connection. It goes both ways.”

“I have to confess my pathetic teen crush? That’s more embarrassing than laying a kiss on you at some impromptu party in the sticks.”

“Fine. I’ll make a confession of my own. It wasn’t the way Lynnie looked at me that made me want to be a better man. It was you.”

She looked as if he’d struck her. “What do you mean?” Her voice was practically a whisper.

“Lynnie could see the good in everyone. That was one of her gifts. But not you. You always saw the darkness—you saw every contingency and prepared. For death, betrayal. But that didn’t stop you from letting people in. But the way you looked at me...” He shook his head. “Christ, Kentucky. You made me feel like I was a hundred feet tall and could carry the weight of the world as if it was nothing more than a gym bag. I wanted to earn that. Be worthy of it. I guess in a way, when I was deciding between college and enlisting, I enlisted because I wanted to be worthy of that from you. If I was worthy in your eyes, I’d be good enough for Lynnie, too.”

9

K
ENTUCKY
’
S
EMOTIONS
WELLED
over her like a typhoon.

She’d always known that he saw her, who she was, but she hadn’t realized she’d had that kind of impact on him and what he’d chosen to do with his life.

If she were the kind to lay guilt on her own doorstep, she could blame herself for his split with Lynnie. Only she wasn’t that sort and Sean was a grown man who’d made his own decisions. She’d never interfered with their relationship.

Even this kiss they were talking about, it had happened while they were broken up.

“Sean, you could never be anything but worthy.”

“I’m not so sure, but thanks for believing it.”

“Well, I am sure. So that’s all you need to know.”

She wondered why he’d brought her here, the significance. He’d obviously planned the whole day. He was taking them around to the stomping ground of their youth. This place didn’t have any super significance, or it hadn’t until he told her that she’d kissed him here.

Part of her wished that she could remember it, and the other part, not so much. She was glad she hadn’t had to fret about having kissed her best friend’s ex-boyfriend, or fret about it once more when they started dating again.

“Ready to go?” It was his turn to change the subject.

“Yeah, but where are we going now?”

“Swimming at Mossy Rock.”

She grinned. “Yeah, but whatever will I wear?”

“I actually thought ahead. I packed your swimming suit.”

He really had gone all out. “Wow, okay. You thought of everything.”

They cleaned up the remains of their picnic and packed their trash in the cooler to dispose of it back at her place. Then they were on the road again and she was driving.

He’d taken her flying; now it was her turn to take him—only they were flying on the open road.

She liked feeling his strong body pressed against hers, liked that he didn’t have some weird machismo bullshit about riding on the back with her. Liked that this whole day had been about the two of them together.

There was a small part of her that was glad he was leaving, that this was temporary. Maybe she didn’t know exactly when he was leaving, but it helped to know that he was. That knowledge in the back of her mind was like a wall, keeping her safe. Because she could get used to this, she could let herself want this, but even if he wasn’t leaving to go back to his post, he’d leave to go on missions. She’d never know if he was coming home or not, even if he wanted that kind of future with her.

Kentucky was a lot of things, but she knew her own weaknesses. After everyone she’d lost, she couldn’t invest her whole heart in someone who lived that kind of life.

Hell, what was she thinking about, anyway? He didn’t want a commitment. They’d agreed. She hated that she had to keep warning herself of that. Maybe she wasn’t as grown-up as she thought she was.

Maybe this was about more than grief for her. This was about fulfilling a teen fantasy that she hadn’t known she still needed. Only Sean Dryden wasn’t the golden boy, she kept reminding herself. He wasn’t a boy at all but a man. Damaged and hurting.

She flung those thoughts to the side of the road and increased the bike’s speed, causing her heart to beat faster, the blood to rush through her veins as the thrill bloomed through her.

It seemed like only a second until she had to slow so that they could creep down the dirt path on the opposite side of Mossy Rock. This took them right through the farmer’s land, but he didn’t seem to be anywhere in sight.

Not that he’d have said anything. They weren’t kids anymore.

It seemed that Eric and Rachel were of the same mind. They were currently in the middle of the pond, splashing each other just like when they were kids.

Kentucky took off her helmet and waved.

Rachel waved back and Eric took that opportunity to lunge for her and push her under the water. She came up spluttering, cursing, with the promise of retribution.

“Looks like they had the same idea,” she said.

“No, I told them to come. All of us together, like old times. Eddie’s was good, but it was grown-up us. Here we can be kids again.”

“I’ll change into my suit.”

“Can I watch?”

“With Eric and Rachel here?”

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” He flashed her an evil grin.

“So that’s how we’re going to play it.” She nodded slowly and with an evil grin of her own. “You just wait.”

Kentucky sauntered over to the “changing bushes” where everyone used to get dressed and slipped into her pink bikini, then bounded toward the water.

She dove right in, the water just the right temperature. Of course, when night fell, if they stayed that long, she’d be freezing her ass off again.

Kentucky thought about that first night here, them together.

No matter what happened between them now, Mossy Rock would always mean something else to her. Those memories of that night would be superimposed on everything else.

Rachel didn’t hesitate to hug first Sean and then her. “I’m so glad you asked us to come. Eric and I have been here all day. We even cooked out.” She nodded over to the sandy beach and the small fire pit.

“Did you save any for me?” Kentucky asked, rubbing her stomach.

Rachel narrowed her eyes. “Sean said you guys already ate.”

“I did. It was delicious. But you know I can’t resist a crispy hot dog.”

Eric laughed. “Yeah, I saved you two. They’re on the spit.”

“Extra well-done?”

“Practically charred,” he answered.

“You love me.” She smiled.

“You know I do.” Eric used Rachel’s inattention to grab her yet again and submerge her in the water.

When Rachel came back up, she said, “I don’t know how I stand you.”

“Yeah, me neither.” He kissed her forehead. “But I’m lucky you do.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

Kentucky watched the moment play out between them as she stuffed a hot dog in her mouth. He was right—it was practically charred. It was just the way she loved them. She wasn’t actually hungry, but the memories that came with this place, with burned hot dogs and long summer evenings with friends, whet her appetite.

Her emotion suddenly choked her. No matter what she did to store up these memories, no matter how many times she unfolded the quilt of moments to touch it, sense it, feel it, they would never be the same again because Lynnie was gone.

She wasn’t coming back.

It wasn’t just that her memories were different. The whole world was different.

Tears welled hot and acidic in her eyes and she inhaled deeply to center herself, to keep those traitorous tears from falling.

“Hey, you okay?” Rachel had come up onto the beach next to her.

“No, not really.”

“Lynnie.” Rachel nodded. “It’s weird to be here without her.”

“More than you know.”

Rachel put a hand on her shoulder meant to comfort her and they both turned to watch the guys in the water. “I’m glad they’re getting time together. Eric’s missed him a lot. Been worried about him.”

“He seems to be doing better than he was.” Or maybe it was just because he spent all of his time between her legs. People couldn’t, or shouldn’t, be sad when they were having that much sex.

“Where did you guys go today?” Rachel asked.

“We made a day of it. We had breakfast at The Ruby Slipper, he took me up in a plane to show off his piloting skills, then lunch at that old hunting place... Remember that?”

“So you were really making the rounds, huh? It kind of seems like he’s letting go.”

She supposed that he was. Kentucky got the feeling that he was saying goodbye. He was giving her something pretty to store away in her memory box with the rest of them.

Kentucky knew it was ending, but she’d sort of expected him to spend all of his leave with her. They’d never talked about it.

“I guess that’s a good thing.” It was. She didn’t want him to hold on to his guilt or his pain. She wanted him to be whole, healthy and happy.

“Yeah.” Rachel hugged her again. “You going to eat that other hot dog? If not, that bad boy is mine.”

“I wasn’t even really hungry. But you know, we come to Mossy Rock, we need hot dogs.”

“Memory taste,” Rachel agreed. “I know what you mean.” She picked up the last hot dog with two fingers and took a tiny bite.

Then she looked out at Eric and made sure he could see her before stuffing as much of the hot dog as she could into her mouth. Kentucky could almost swear Eric could hear the audible snap of teeth as she bit down on her mouthful, because he cringed and Rachel smiled sweet as that apple fritter she’d had earlier.

“Well, aren’t you just diabolical.”

“He kept dunking me. He needs to learn that the only thing that’s changed between us is our relationship status on Facebook. Just because I happen to be a little bit enamored with his smile and...other things...that doesn’t mean I won’t crush him like a bug the way I used to when he’d get out of line.”

Kentucky laughed. “Yeah, it’s good that some things never change.”

“It really is. I thought that being with Eric might mean the end of us. But it was honestly a natural progression.” She looked around. “I wish I had something else to put in my mouth to taunt him.”

Kentucky found herself smiling again. It was true—nothing really had changed. They were always together, they loved to give each other what for, and it was as though becoming a couple had completed something between them. That things were now the way they were always supposed to be.

“I think you’ve taunted him enough.”

“No, not nearly. If it were you, you’d still be making him pay. Don’t try to say you wouldn’t.”

It made her think about Sean. “Yeah, you’re so right.”

She thought about all the ways she wanted to taunt him and keep taunting him. Although she couldn’t forget what Rachel had said about Sean letting go.

She was right.

It was as if today, even though it had been fun, was a kind of pilgrimage. That could only mean goodbye, but like the old adage said, you never could really go home.

Which ultimately meant that her time with Sean was drawing to a close.

Kentucky looked out across the water at him, the familiar silhouette of his shoulders, the lines of muscle down his back, the thickly muscled forearms and the way the sun glinted off blond hair.

She prepared her heart to let go, too.

He turned and saw her scrutiny and gave her a smile that she somehow knew was only for her. A kind of sweet acknowledgment of this time they’d shared.

She’d remember him like that forever.

“Hey, you disappeared on me again,” Rachel said.

“Yeah, I seem to be doing that a lot lately.”

“You ready to tell me about what happened with you two?”

“Nope.”

“Come on. I’m dying to know. So is Eric.”

“Well, that’s not weird at all. Sean’s dead ex-fiancée’s brother wants to know all about the new girl he’s banging?”

“So you admit that you’re having sex?” Rachel winked, but then seeing Kentucky’s scowl, she backed off a bit. “Eric and I both just want you guys to be happy. What better way than all of us together?”

Kentucky raised a brow.

“That sounded way dirtier than I meant it. You know what I mean. Whenever we’re together, some part of Lynnie will always live on.”

“Yeah, see? That’s the problem. I don’t want to be a vehicle to resurrect the dead. I don’t want to be a second choice. I don’t want to have her hanging between us. And she would. I loved Lynnie. You know that. But I don’t want the ghost of her in my bed.”

Rachel nodded. “I understand that. But I don’t think it would be that way.”

Kentucky shook her head. “I’m not her. I can’t be her.”

“No one wants you to be.”

“I’m the bad girl, the rebel with too many causes.”

“No, you’re not. Not anymore. You run your own business, you’re responsible... Everyone knows you and respects you.”

“Girl like me, we don’t end up with men like Sean Dryden.”

“Why not?”

Yeah, why not?
her brain demanded. Why didn’t they? She was just as good as anyone else. And Sean himself had changed.

She kept thinking about a life and a future. A family.

If she had those things, would she really want them with a man who, every time he left the house to do his job, every time he was called away on a mission, would put her on tenterhooks? Would she always be waiting for that call that could come, the one where they told her that the fairy tale was over and he was dead, too?

She just couldn’t risk it.

She was a daredevil because she wanted to wring every second out of life and all the bounty it had to offer. But at some point, she knew herself. She’d start wishing for the call because she wanted to get it over with, because that was how her own story always unfolded.

God, but she could be so morbid sometimes.

“I can’t talk about this anymore.”

“Maybe you should talk about it with him, Kentucky. The way he keeps watching you, he’s not trying to hide anything that happened, the way things have changed between you.”

“So when are you and Eric getting married?” She flipped the tables on her friend.

“Oh, hell. Not you, too.”

“What do you mean?” Kentucky took no small amount of glee in harassing her friend. She knew that Rachel’s mother had been pestering them to get engaged and set a date. Her mom was super old-school and thought they should be married instead of living together.

“You know very well what I mean. She’s started in on grandchildren. Grandchildren! Do I look like I’m ready to start having babies? Eric and I don’t even know if we want kids. We just want to enjoy each other right now and let things happen as they will. I’m sure we’ll get married eventually, but we want to do it in our own time. Not because my mother wouldn’t stop meddling.”

Kentucky felt a rush of sympathy for Rachel’s mom. “If my mother were still alive, I’d get married tomorrow if that was the trade-off.”

“To Sean or Eric?” Rachel teased.

“I don’t care. Whatever would make her happy and keep her with me. I’d marry you if it would do the trick.” Kentucky grinned at her.