Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (43 page)

“Something like that.”  Uriah
nodded disinterestedly.  “Continue.”

The translator nodded, refocusing
on her task.  “He has no plans to harm your Small Bird, but at the same time,
he questions your boastfulness and speculates that he will need to kill you
to…”

Uriah took off his hat, showing his
shaved head and long ponytail.

The room fell into silence.

“Does that mean something?”  The
girl asked softly, then bit her lower lip in nervousness.  “Oh, dear.  I think
I’ve missed something here.  This is the problem with translating the language
of a culture so deeply rooted in colloquialisms, kinesics, and symbolic acts.” 
She turned and started to ask her master what was going on, but Tzadok cut her
off.  When he was finished speaking, she turned back to face Uriah again.  “My
Master informs you that he is allied with your brother, across the step and
through the swamp forest.  He joins him in his fight against the Demon of the
Gold and the Demon’s ‘Fist Woman.’”  She paused.  “Your brother kills men… he
kills men ‘good.’” 

“That describes several of my
brothers.  He’s going to have to be more specific.”

“The…”  She frowned slightly,
looking uncertain and afraid of making a mistake.  “Skin of… bear?”  She
sounded hopeful.  “Does that make sense?”

“Yes.”  He nodded.  “He’s an
asshole.”  Uriah summarized.

She beamed.  “Oh, hurray!”  She
clapped her hands together in excitement, then quickly frowned.  “Not because
of your brother being a reprobate, just that I thought for sure I had
mistranslated.  In their tongue, the word for ‘bear’ is actually the same as
their word for…”

Tzadok bellowed something,
obviously wanting to know what Uriah said and didn’t want to wait for the girl
to finish chatting.  She rapidly communicated Uriah’s words and Tzadok boomed
with laughter, obviously enjoying the fact that someone else hated Uriah’s
brother.

“My master agrees with your assessment.” 
The translator nodded.  “But your brother trods a path of… wait, no… entrails of
the…”  She frowned, having difficulty with the translation again.  “Well,
’blood’ I suppose is as good a word as any.  ‘He trods a path of blood’ and is
thus always welcome in my master’s domain.”  Her brow furrowed again.  “The
‘blood’ in question has a suffix indicating that it’s ‘unworthy,’ obviously.” 
She added.  “Just in case that wasn’t clear.”

Tzadok leaned back in his throne
and pointed towards the door, speaking in a calmer tone.

The girl nodded and began
translating his words.  “You, Uriah, Brother of the Bearskin, may go in peace
with your ‘no-eyed woman,’ the small boy, ‘Salt Mummy’ and ‘Man Child,’ and
travel through my master’s kingdom, until reaching the horizon, if that is your
wish.”  She mirrored his gesture towards the door, believing that it needed
translation as well for some reason.  “You may take what supplies you need.  Use
them well.”

“What just happened?”  Ransom
whispered to Uriah.

“I have no idea.”  Ryle said
softly.  “I’m still trying to figure out what a ‘modal particle’ is.”

“He knows my brother.”  Uriah
explained.

“And he recognizes that fact
because of a haircut?”  Ransom sounded amazed.  “Is he your brother’s barber or
something?”

“It’s a
special
haircut.” 
Uriah put his hat back on.  “You have to kill a lot of men to get it.”

“And that somehow makes it a unique
identifier?” 

“A
lot
of men.”  He
repeated, emphasizing the huge number to drive the point home.  “Enough that
you never have to worry about any of their friends and family ever bothering
what’s yours again.  Because you killed their asses too, just to make sure.”

“Ah.”  Ransom nodded, finally
understanding.  “Did you leave little signs on their bodies like they did with
Maggie?”

“There wasn’t enough of their
bodies left to try it, once I was done.”

The diplomat began translating her
master’s words again.  “My master relates a colloquialism about cave snakes
which you wouldn’t understand and then a wish of fair travels on your journey. 
Specifically, that your enemies be easily bested, their horses be swift, and their
women be curvaceous.  But it really is much more beautiful than that.”  She
assured them honestly, as if defending the integrity of the blessing.  “It
loses a lot in translation.”

Uriah rolled his eyes.  “I’m sure.”

“My apologies.”  The woman’s mood
brightened.  “It really is a lovely language.  If you wanted to stay here for
an hour or so, I’d be happy to work on it and provide you a more direct
translation of the sentiment so that you could fully appreciate what it is
that…”

Tzadok held out his hands again,
looking confused as to why the girl was still talking when he hadn’t said
anything for several moments.

She quickly explained her offer.

He stared in disbelief, as if
assuming she was joking, then yelled something.  He paused for a beat, still
obviously trying to process her plan, then incredulously repeated his shouted
words in his language.

They required no translation.

“We’re good.”  Uriah announced,
letting the girl off the hook.  “Thanks though.”

She communicated that to her master
and then listened to his reply.  “He is
Tzadok
.  Wasteland Butcher. 
Slaughterer of Slaughterers.  Lord of Salt.”  She sat down on a small stool
next to the throne.  “And he has spoken.”

“Well… spoken by proxy, anyway.” 
Ryle clarified.  “So can we go or what?”

“We are already out the door,
Swab.”  Uriah grabbed Ransom and started pushing his way through the mass of
Wastelanders towards the exit before one of them decided to second-guess their
leader.

“Umm…”  The translator raised her
finger, trying to call their attention to one final thought.  “If you get a
chance, could you please notify the government of Galland that I’m here?”  She
sounded hopeful.  “I would really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, we’ll get right on that.” 
Ransom assured her, somewhere between sarcasm and apathy.

Uriah kept walking, straight to
where the supplies and horses were located.  Long experience with his people
told him to get out of here as quickly as possible.

“Should you do something about
that?”  Ryle pointed back towards Tzadok’s tent.

Uriah shook his head, quickly
beginning to fill containers with water and strap them to a horse.  “Nope.”  He
grabbed another vessel of water.  “As my mother always said: ‘never put out
fires that aren’t burning you.’”

Ryle frowned.  “You don’t care at
all that he’s probably going to rape that poor woman?”

Ransom shook her head.  “Nope.”

Uriah scoffed dismissively.  “Oh,
she’ll be running the damn place in a month.  He’s not going to touch her. 
She’s fine.”

Ryle didn’t look convinced.  “How
do you know?”

“Trust me, I know.”  He moved on to
grabbing as much food as their new horses could reasonably handle.  “The girl
has little
smiling frogs
on her clothes, for fuck’s sake.  His life has
given him no way of dealing with that.  If there’s one thing in this world I’m
an expert on-- besides desserts and killing-- it’s violent assholes from the
Grizzwood and how they react when women who are w
ay
too good for them
come into their lives, okay?  I know what I’m talking about.”

“Speaking
as
a hostage,”
Ryle held a hand to his own chest, “I just really think it’s an issue which we
need to address.  I mean, not to harp on what’s obviously a personal crusade
for me, since I’m a captive, but I don’t think our team devotes
nearly
enough time to freeing people from their bonds.”

Ransom snorted in amusement.  “You
wanna go in there and tell the barbarian king and his murderous horde that he
can’t play with his new toy anymore, you go right ahead and do it.”

“We won’t stop you.”  Uriah
agreed.  “Just please wait until we’re gone first, yes?  Because it won’t be
good.  Generally speaking, my people
keep
what they take.”

Ryle crossed his arms over his
chest, sulking.  “I don’t like it.”

“Fucking idealists, ‘Rai.”  Ransom
sounded complexly disgusted with the boy’s attitude.  “Always know what we
should
be doing.  He gets this from
you
, you know.”

“Uh-huh.”  For the first time ever,
Uriah didn’t have time to flirt with his partner.  “We need to go.”  He said a
little too sharply.  “Right now, Rance.”  He unhooked the horses and hurried
out the door.  “Ryle, go and retrieve our clients, please.  Quick as you can.”

“We in trouble?”  Ransom asked,
suddenly serious.

“
Most definitely
.”  Uriah
immediately started to hoist her onto the horse, not willing to even wait for
her to do it herself.  “If this goes bad, just ride, okay?  Just. 
Go
.”

“I’m not going to leave you with
these people, they’re...”  She began.

“I
am
these people.”  He
interrupted.  “Which is why I know that we have about another three minutes
before they start to change their minds and decide to kill us after all.”

Ryle took off running towards the
tent where their clients were located, obviously believing him.

“You want to just go?”  Ransom offered
solemnly after a beat, not liking the idea of leaving the Swab but willing to
if it came down to it.

Uriah mounted one of the other
horses, thinking the matter over.  “We wait for the boy.”  He decided.  “I
won’t
go without him.  But if it comes to it… we leave the others.”

“Agreed.”  She nodded.  “I think
that’s…”

“Guys?”  Ryle stuck his head out
from the tent he’d just entered.  “We have a slight problem here.”

“How bad was your life that living
in the Wasteland with ‘Xiphos the Despoiler’ seemed like a better option?” 
Ransom wondered aloud, not for the first time.

As it turned out, the ‘slight
problem’ the Swab had mentioned involved Dory not wanting to leave with them. 
No. 
Refusing
to leave with them, to be more accurate, because she
simply liked Xiphos more than her idiot husband and horrible, horrible mother.

Not that Ransom could really blame
her for that, but it was still surprising.  She hadn’t thought the girl had
that much of a spine.  But Dory proved she could absolutely just ditch on her
own life like that.

For a woman in Ransom’s position,
watching someone walk out on everything they’d previously been was downright
inspirational.

Ransom wanted nothing more than to
abandon her former self and forget about ever being anyone but Ransom.

Good for Dory.

For his part, Xiphos had been
equally insistent that the girl stay with him, which Ransom
could
blame
him for, since Dory was fairly annoying and Ransom couldn’t imagine anyone
wanting to be around her for any real length of time.  He’d undoubtedly spend
an hour with the girl and then the novelty of her would wear off.  And then
he’d be stuck with her.

Ransom wasn’t terribly sorry to
leave the woman behind, all told.  Hell, she would have left her with a fucking
boa constrictor if it had promised to take the girl far, far away from Ransom. 
She might respect the girl’s decision because of the guts it took, but that
sure as hell didn’t mean she wanted her around.

Uriah had been preoccupied with worrying
about the Wastelanders and said he didn’t have time to be a marriage
counselor.  He had pulled Dory aside to quickly talk to her privately about her
decision and explained that he would back whatever choice she made, but
wouldn’t
be able to help if it turned out to be a mistake.

Dory chose the Wasteland.  So…
Uriah left.

Surprisingly, both Din and Ester
also
chose to leave Dory behind, which probably said more about their
relationship with her than anything else. 

Their family… wasn’t close.

Ransom had regained her memories
and could now remember having two different families.  Her own biological evil
family, and what she now considered her
real
family with Uriah, and of
the two, having a loving family was definitely the way to go.

Ransom didn’t blame Dory for
dumping their unsupportive asses.

Not at all.

“I don’t know, she seemed happy
enough to me.”  Ryle decided, apparently being a romantic at heart and choosing
to view it like a love story rather than simply a woman who was willing to pick
any
life over the one she currently lived, even one which involved
living in an empty hellish wasteland with a complete stranger.  “They’re sweet
together.  I thought he seemed to really care for her.”

Ester snorted in contempt and
continued climbing up the rocky trail.  “Oh, he’s a mindless barbarian. 
Savages like that ‘care’ for anything with a vagina.”

Ryle began choking.

“Oh, grow up, boy.”  Ester’s voice
dripped with dismissive contempt.  “You’ve been married, haven’t you?  If the
word embarrasses you that badly, it’s no wonder she left you.”

Ryle stammered for a moment.  “I
just don’t think…”

“Fine.”  Ester heaved a dramatic
sigh, as though humoring him.  “What do
you
want to call it then? 
You’re the expert, apparently.  What’s your
preferred
term for a vagina,
boy?”

“Ummm…”  The Swab sounded like he
was looking around desperately for someone to save him from this conversation. 
“Umm…”

Everyone ignored them.

Ransom would have expected Din to
be a
little
more upset about his wife abandoning him for a Wastelander,
but the asshole seemed to be taking it in stride.  He hadn’t even mentioned
Dory in the last day and a half and it was beginning to seem less like he was
avoiding a painful issue and more like he simply didn’t care.  “How much longer
do you think it will be, Captain?”  He asked Uriah.  Again.  He seemed to ask
that question every ten minutes or so, completely focused on his treasure.

“I don’t know.”  Uriah told him for
the hundredth time.  “I’m not the one with the map.”

“Idiot.”  Ransom said under her
breath, sick of their client.

“Steady.”  Uriah whispered to her. 
“We only have to put up with him for a little longer.”

“That’s what you said an hour ago.” 
She reminded him.

They had been forced to leave the
horses behind when the ground had become too steep and were now climbing on foot. 
The wind and cold were both worse at this higher altitude, but at least they
were out of the salt.  The air was wetter and she could sometimes feel snow
beneath her feet, interspersed in the washed-out craggy switchback trails they
were following up the mountain.

They had been moving almost
non-stop since their run-in with the Wastelanders, resting only briefly when
they couldn’t take it anymore.  At the moment, Uriah informed her that the sky
was dark and cloudless, dawn not yet here.

“I’ll miss the free candy.”  Ryle
complained, already nostalgic for Dory’s tendency to hand out treats to people
she felt deserving.

“All that sugar was giving her a
fat ass, anyway.”  Ester was apparently unable to keep herself from criticizing
the girl, even if Dory wasn’t even here anymore to hear it.  “I told her and
told her, but she never listened.”  He heaved another sigh.  “And she always
had
terrible
taste in men, obviously.”  Ester made no attempt to lower
her voice despite the fact her daughter’s husband was standing right next to
her.  “Which I never understood.  I mean, not that I don’t understand the
appeal of all those muscles on the Grizzle, but I don’t know why you have to
run off with the fool like that.  His dick will get hard if he’s your husband
or a stranger, so why tie yourself down to someone so inferior to your
position?”

“Love is love, I guess.”  Ryle
decided.  “My sister married an ogre, so I…”

“Married an ogre?”  Ester cut him
off, sounding disgusted.  “How does
that
work?  It’s gotta be like trying
to shove a tree trunk through a keyhole.”

Ryle was quiet for a moment.  “If
it’s all the same to you, I’d really prefer not to think about my sister’s ‘keyhole,’
ma’am.”

Ester ignored that.  “Tear the poor
girl in half, unless his isn’t as big as you’d think… or hers is bigger.”

“Can we please talk about something
else?”  Ryle tried again, desperately.  “Anything else, really.  It doesn’t
matter what.”

“She seems inordinately interested
in the carnal mechanics of interspecies love, Dove, have you noticed that?” 
Uriah asked Ransom.

“Not at all.”  She shook her head.

“Captain?”  Din called to him.  “I
have a question…”

“Is it about estimating the exact
geometry and techniques of transspecies reproduction?”  Uriah asked him, taking
on a tone of the upmost mock seriousness.  “Because I’m not the expert here in
that field.”

“I’m just wondering when we will…” 
Din continued.

“
He doesn’t have the map, you
asshole!
”  Ransom screamed at him, unwilling to even let him finish.  “Just
shut up!”

“I really like her.”  Ester decided
happily.  “I was unsure at first, because she looks like a circus freak, but
she’s proven herself an excellent woman.  If Badroulbadour had wanted to run
off with
her
, I would have completely understood and approved.  That
would have been a
damn
fine pairing.  Sadly, the girl never was that
bright.”

“What business is it of
yours,
old
woman!?!”  Din shouted at Ester, blaming her for Ransom’s attitude.  “Dory is
gone, which means that treasure is mine!”

“YOURS!?!”  Ester shrieked, her
voice cracking it became so shrill.  “That treasure is mine and mine alone!  I
was toying with the idea of giving some to my daughter, but the ungrateful
little whelp has run off, so I’m keeping everything!”

“Except what you owe
us
.” 
Ryle pressed.

“’Us’?”  Ransom and Uriah chorused
at once.

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t get a
cut.”  Ryle sounded indignant.  “I’m risking my neck here too.”

“Your cut comes out of their
share.”  Ester yelled at him.

“Why?”  Uriah sounded confused.  “I
sure didn’t want him around.”

“
Then why did you kidnap me!?!
” 
Ryle yelled in exasperation.  “You’ve dragged me along on every leg of this
nightmare!”

“He’s got you there, ‘Rai.”  Ransom
turned towards her partner.  “You nabbed him.  Giving him some gold might
smooth things over with his sister”

“You know what?”  Uriah started
walking again.  “I reject your imposition of that hateful narrative upon me.  I
choose to view history as inviting opportunities for self-actualization and
retroactive continuity.”

“Huh.”  She made a sound to
indicate that she was unconvinced.  “Translation: you’re going to make shit
up.”

“But with a greater emphasis on my
new accomplishments.”  He took her hand.  “We are going across a bridge, so be
careful.”

She nodded.  “Stone?”

“Rope, sadly.”  He placed her hand
on the rope in question and then took her other hand in his.  “It looks very,
very old and although you can’t see the drop, I assure you that you don’t want
to fall from it.”

Ryle made a low whistling sound,
obviously looking over the edge.  “Shiiiiiiit…”

“It’ll be fine.”  Uriah assured
him.  “Adithian rope is basically indestructible.”

“You an engineer now?”  Ryle asked
him sarcastically.  “Wow.  I had no idea.”

“People are always asking me why I
took you on this little trip, Swab,” Uriah told the boy, “and I think it’s time
to finally show them.”  He removed his hand from hers, probably to gesture with
it.  “
You first
.”

“What am I?”  Ryle scoffed.  “Some
kind of sacrificial lamb or something?  You just trot me out to make certain
it’s safe for the rest of…”

Din and Ester’s screaming match
suddenly got so loud that it drowned out the boy’s words.

“
You’ve never supported me!
” 
Din screamed at Ester.  “And I’ll be damned if you’re taking my gold!”

“You’re damned anyway!”  The old
woman snapped.  “A damned fool!  And I will make you a
damned
laughing
stock when we get home.”  She snorted.  “Couldn’t even keep his
damned
woman. 
And after all his big talk, he comes home a damned
pauper
!”

“I will have what’s mine!”  Din
insisted.

“Yes!  You will!”  Ester shouted
back.  “Nothing!”  There was the sound of a struggle.  “It’s all mine!”

“YOU WON’T TAKE MY GOLD!”  Din
sounded unhinged now.  “EVER!”

“Hey!”  Uriah let go of Ransom’s
hand and started towards the pair suddenly.  “I don’t…”

The sounds of the struggle got
louder and more violent.

Cracking wood.

The scrambling of feet on loose stone.

Screams.  Getting fainter by the
second, as they both apparently toppled off the edge in mid-fight.

Uriah, Ransom and Ryle were all
silent for a moment, processing that.

“Well, that did not go as
expected.”  Uriah said calmly.

“Holy shit!”  Ryle exclaimed,
sounding panicked.  “Did you see that?  Did you fucking see that!?!”

“Nope.”  Ransom shook her head. 
“Still blind.”

“Swab, see where they landed.” 
Uriah ordered, returning to Ransom.  “Not that I’m overly enthusiastic about
the idea of them surviving.”

“
You
look over the edge!” 
Ryle snapped.  “I ain’t going over there.”

“Ryle?”  Uriah said simply, like that
would mean something to the boy.  If Ransom had to guess, she assumed the word
was accompanied by her partner gesturing to her, as if to point out to the Swab
that Uriah was too busy looking after her to do it himself.

“Don’t use me to avoid doing stuff
you don’t want to do anyway, Uriah.”  She softly batted at his arm.  “I’m not
your excuse, you lazy dope.”

“Shhh.”  Uriah whispered to her
urgently, afraid the Swab might hear.  “He’s buying it.  Just play along with…”

Ryle started screaming,
interrupting his words.

“Oh, what now!?!”  Uriah sounded
annoyed.  “Every moment it’s something with you, Swab.”

“She tried to kill me!”  Din
gasped, sounding like he was pulling himself back up onto the rocks beside
Ryle, perhaps using the boy’s ankle as a handhold.  “I was just standing
there!  And she attacked me!”

“Uh-huh.”  Uriah didn’t sound
convinced.

“Is it wrong to be sad that he
lived?”  She whispered to her partner.

Uriah heaved a dramatic sigh.  “My
life script is one of disappointment.”  He whispered back.  “But I was rather
hoping for a happy ending here as well.”

“And how am I supposed to feel
about that horrible woman going away?”  She continued.  “I’m honestly not
sure.”

“I have no idea.”  He took on a
somber tone, addressing the deceased.  “Fair winds and calm seas, you
unbelievable bitch.”

Ransom turned her face to the side,
feeling the first rays of the sun on her skin.  “Is that dawn?”  She frowned. 
“Wait… what direction is that?”  She pointed to her left.  “I thought
that
was east…”

Uriah didn’t say anything.

“’Rai?”  She asked again, suddenly
afraid she’d somehow gotten zapped into her mother’s creepy dream-thing again. 
“Hello?”

“Still here.”  He assured her
weakly.

“Then what is it?”  She pressed. 
“We in trouble?”

“No.  I think I just finally have
an answer for our client as to when we will arrive at our destination, that’s
all.”  He breathed.  “I think we’ll be there in about an hour.”