Not To Us (39 page)

There is nowhere inside of me to put these competing emotions of rage and jealousy and sadness. I look over at Michael as I strive for some form of control, but I feel powerless to contain it.

“I’m sorry, Ellie. They wanted to help and I thought that it would be…I didn’t know it would be so chaotic. I’m sorry.”

Exhaustion overtakes me. Tears well up on my lashes and I know I am about to cry for a multitude of reasons that Michael will not understand. I know all of this.

I turn away from him and head to the closet to find clothes to change into. Can I wear something besides maternity clothes, now? The errant thought gives me enough pause to prevent a crying jag.

Michael comes up behind me and gently puts his arms around me. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I didn’t think it would be so…overwhelming. I didn’t mean to upset you. They wanted to help, to be here.”

“I know. I’m sorry for being such a baby. I’m sorry for being unreasonable. I know that all those people down there are just thrilled to be a part of all of this as you and I are. I know that.” I turn into Michael’s open arms and feel them gather around me. “I love you, Michael.” I bury my face in his shirt and listen for his heart beat striving to feel his assurance.

“Let’s just have them help out for an hour or so. Let them do their thing and then, they’ll leave. I was thinking Robert and Carrie can take Mathew and Emily with them and that would give us a day to acclimate with the twins. Are you okay with that?”

“I don’t know. Are we excluding them too much? Maybe, we should leave it up to them. If they want to stay and help; that would be great, too. I don’t know…maybe I’m over thinking it. Maybe, it would be best for them to be with Robert.”

“I think, you’re exhausted and I think we should take up any offer of help that we can get. Mathew and Emily will have plenty of time to be with the twins and us, but . . . Ellie, you really need to get your rest. I know you didn’t sleep most of last night.”

I look up at Michael and nod. “I am exhausted.” The tears stream down my face. “I’m so tired I can barely stand.” He carries me over to the bed and sets me down, takes off my shoes and helps me shimmy out of my jeans. He brings over a pair of pajamas and begins putting them on. “What about all those people?”

“I’ll take care of it. I’ll be back in a few minutes with a cup of tea. Just close your eyes and rest until I get back.”

Michael kisses my forehead and disappears through the doorway. I close my eyes and long for sleep, but all I can see is Nick’s handsome face.

I cannot explain why, today of all days, grief transports me back to despair. If I’m not seeing Nick’s face, I’m seeing Elaina’s.

Sleep eludes me as this overwhelming sorrow takes hold. Fifteen minutes later, I’m back out of bed, dressing in an old pair of jeans, and pulling on a sweater and slipping into sandals. I fix my make-up and apply lipstick and ensure my wig’s in place and head downstairs.

I take the tea off the tray that Michael’s been busy preparing. He looks over at me in consternation. “I thought you were going to take a nap?”

“Later,” I say with a yeah-team smile. It’s not one of my best and I think he knows this, but he walks over to me and kisses me, apparently unconcerned with the audience that watches us from everywhere.

“You and I will take a nap a little later,” he whispers.

I hug him back, then move out of his arms intent on finding Robert. I want to solidify the plans with Emily and Mathew first.

Surprisingly, Robert is just as intent on finding me as I am him. He pulls me into the office off of the family room. His face is serious and troubled.

“What’s up?” I ask. He’s looking at me strangely as if afraid of how to begin and this is alarming. The man is rarely at a loss for words.

“We’ve had an offer on the house,” Robert says to me now.

He studies my face as I respond with, “That’s great news.”

“It’s an all cash deal. Four hundred thousand more than the asking price.”

“
What
? Why would someone offer so much above the asking price for our house?”

“I don’t know. It’s an all cash deal. I’ve done some checking and the transaction is being done through a law firm downtown. The client has requested anonymity.”

“Okay. Do we care? I mean four hundred thousand more is a lot of money, Robert. I know that Michael has been taking care of all the medical bills, but I’m sure we could really use the money.”

“Yes, Michael and I have talked about that. I don’t want you to worry about the loan. He can pay me back whenever it’s convenient.”

“What
loan
?”

“Oh. . . Oh God, I thought he told you. Oh, Ellie, okay this is…I told him to talk to you about this. I don’t understand why he would keep this from you. You always took on the finances with us. Well, he says with a sigh. “You should really talk to Michael.”

“I intend to,” I say cutting him off. “But, right now, I’m talking to
you
. What loan? For how much?” My tone is all business and I know Bobby knows this.

“I loaned him two hundred thousand, a few months ago . . . while you were . . . away. It was, well, he got into trouble between buying the house, the medical bills, and not being able to perform surgery. He was completely stressed out about all of it, whether you were coming back or not. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.”

I practically sway on my feet from exhaustion as I try and take in what he’s telling me. “Okay, so we sell the house to this anonymous buyer. Obviously, we need to do this. Michael and I owe you money.”

“I don’t want you to worry about that,” Robert begins.

“No. I appreciate what you’ve done. You know that. It’s just, well; we need to retire our debts, obviously. This house didn’t come cheap. We need the money to right our finances. God knows neither one of us needs the other house. You don’t want it; do you?”

“Not enough to walk away from an extra four hundred thousand.” Robert smiles at me now. “We’ll clear most of the $1.8 million. I mean it’s enough money to do a lot of things with.”

I nod. “Fine. Let’s sell it, then.”

“Do you want to talk to Michael, first?”

“No. This is our house. Our deal. I’ll tell him, when I can hand him the check.”

“It won’t take that long. I’ve got a friend of mine, who handles real estate transactions that can work with this law firm. We can wrap this up in a matter of days. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

“Okay.”

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Robert asks with a slight smile.

“Can you take Mathew and Emily with you and Carrie? Michael and I have a few things to work out and we’d like to concentrate on getting the twins settled.”

“Sure.” I watch my ex-husband hesitate for a moment. “Ellie? I just want you to know how glad Carrie and I are that you’re doing okay.” He looks worried. “You’re okay now; right?”

“I’m doing great. I’m fine.” I walk over and hug him and he hugs me back. “Thank you.” I hear his sigh of relief. “Bobby, you worry too much,” I say in the awkward silence between us. He gives me a slight smile as he pauses at the doorway.

“You’re quite something, Ellie,” he says to me now. I just smile at him, shaking my head.

The distant cry of a newborn adds to the muted crowd noise. I follow Robert back out to the family room, where the majority of our visitors are gathered, only to find a flustered Michael trying to prepare bottles for Beau and Ava. I retrieve the formula from Michael’s unsteady hands, fill the bottles, and add the spring water that we picked up earlier. He watches me, as if trying to memorize the steps, as I heat the bottles one at a time in the microwave.

“We should probably be steaming these in a pan of water on the stove, but no sense in making Beau wait,” I say to Michael. He nods at me and I try to smile back. Carrie brings Beau over to me.

“I thought you’d want to do his first feeding at home,” Carrie says.

I take my baby from her. “You thought right,” I say with a slight edge. Carrie is a complication that I’m really unprepared for in person. We’ve done all our communicating via cell phone or e-mail. Seeing her brings back all this hurt, anger, and profound feeling of betrayal. I glance over at Michael, who’s intently watching me in this little exchange with Carrie. He gives me a measured look; I turn away.

“I’ll get Ava,” he says.

I hand him the bottle and head off to the living room. Within a few minutes, Michael joins me and sits with Ava in the chair opposite of mine.

I concentrate on Beau for a few moments taking in his beautiful features. Beau rests his little wrinkled hand over mine. He’s a charmer already; it reminds me of Nick. I kiss his forehead.

“I talked to Robert. He and Carrie will take Mathew and Emily. It’s all settled.” I try to keep my voice even and my tone light, but even I can hear the anger there. Michael looks over at me in surprise.

Beau finishes his bottle and I set it down and put him over my shoulder and ignore the ache in my chest as I do so and head upstairs, knowing Michael will soon follow. Within a few minutes, both the twins are changed and already sleeping in their baby cribs. Michael and I stand over them for a few minutes and then I slip away. Michael follows me now.

“You’re pissed at me, about what, exactly?” Michael asks defensively.

I just nod and then say, “I can’t talk to you, right now. We have twenty-five guests, but yeah, as soon as they’re gone, you and I are going to chat.” I leave him standing there in utter astonishment. I can see that he has no idea that I know about the loan from Robert. It makes me wonder what else he is keeping from me. Distrust seeps back in between us, just like that.

≈≈

Mathew and Emily are both disappointed they’re going back with Carrie and Robert. My two oldest children protest loudly as they gather up their overnight bags with a change of school clothes and pajamas. I almost give in to keep them here, but the prevailing thought that Michael and I really need to have this night to ourselves wins out.

Fatigue begins to take over, but I steel myself against it.

My mother is also a bit reticent about leaving us, but I already arranged earlier in the week for her to catch a flight back to Arizona and I’m insistent that we keep to those plans. I convince her that she’ll have plenty of time over the summer to stay with us and enjoy all the children. I can tell that she is worn out and so am I. Her visit of a month was longer that we both anticipated. I know she’s anxious to return to her life and her friends in Arizona. Michael’s parents have volunteered to take her to the airport. With teary goodbyes, the three proud grandparents leave the beach house with a promise to return in the next few weeks.

Most of the well-wishers have gone, leaving behind baby gifts and promises to visit again soon. I fix a smile on my face as the last of them leave. Carrie gives me an imploring look and I know she wants to have a deeper discussion about us, our friendship or lack thereof. I cannot deal with Carrie tonight and I think my weariness conveys this. She promises to call me in the next couple of days and I absently nod, knowing she will hold me to this. Covertly, I watch the stilted interaction between her and Michael, judging every action between them and looking for some hidden attraction or message.