Nova (32 page)

With a smile he said, “I can ride a horse—if I have to—but I just… Well, it’s not a good idea.”

I led Wild to the gate and Ben held it open for me.

“You mean
because of Austin
?” I asked him directly.

He waited until we were heading for the barn before he said, “
Yeah
.”

“Well I invited you, so it’s only polite to accept.”

We entered the stables and he smiled, but I didn’t give him a chance to turn me down and told him to grab a horse.

“I’m getting pretty good at this tacking up thing, so don’t let me beat you to the creek.”

He gave me a playful glare, but he seemed to accept my challenge and turned down a different aisle.

I led Born To Be Wild to the tack room and hitched him up to a post. By the time I had a saddle hoisted onto his back, Ben hitched Bench Rider next to me.

“Don’t hurry too fast,” Ben smiled. “I wouldn’t want your saddle to slide off.”

“You just mind your own duties and get that horse ready.”

“Yes
,
M
a’am.”

We both worked in silence for another minute, occasionally glancing at one another with a smile. Finally Ben chuckled and said, “I feel like I’m
thirteen
again. My sister and I used to do this all the time.”

“Oh, yeah?” I replied, glancing at him over my horse’s shoulders.

“Yep. She was pretty competitive, no matter what we were doing.”

“So who was faster at saddling a horse?” I asked
,
just about to finish up with the bit.

“Me,” he smiled, grabbing the reins to lead the horse out of the barn.

I
laughed
to myself
and quickly finished up, following after him about ten seconds later. He was waiting for me outside and hadn’t left for the creek yet. I mounted my horse just as Sam came around the corner from the fields.

“Hey, grab a horse and come with us,” I told her.

She paused, seeming to really think it over. It was obviously a struggle because she kind of whined and said, “Oh man, I don’t think I should but…” She glanced over to the barn and said, “My dad has something to go over with me, and then maybe I’ll catch up to you.”

“Okay, no problem. I think I’ll just take on the East Trail today.”

“Perfect. I’m not sure how long I’ll be but if I don’t catch up to you, don’t bother waiting.”

“Okay,” I nodded.

Sam headed for the barn so Ben pulled himself onto his horse with ease and we headed out.

“So you don’t do this much?” I asked him.

He slightly shrugged. “Mm, not really. This is actually the first time I’ve ridden a horse in
a few
years,” he added.

“Really?”

“Mmhmm.”

We passed the main house and took the trail for the creek. It was a beautiful day, sunny but cool, and I couldn’t imagine living anywher
e but California at that moment
.

“So what’s Austin up to today?” he asked.

“Mm, driving in
Irwindale
.”

He slightly nodded. “He’s gotta get his fix, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s his life.”

“And you don’t agree
with that?”

“I didn’t say that. It’s who Austin is.”

“And what, you’ve ‘accepted’ that?” he chuckled.

I cast him a glare and said, “Why do you have to be so antagonistic?”

“Antagonistic?” he repeated. “Why do you have to be so sensitive?”

“I’m not sensitive.”

He gave me a look but only smiled,
and
didn’t say anything further.

“Okay, so maybe I am,” I admitted.

“There’s nothing wrong with being defensive about the things that hit close to home.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you know you and him have a difference of opinion, and the fact that an outside party can pick up on that bothers you.”

“It’s not a secret that his racing worries me.”

“Ah, but I sense that it’s more than that.”

I scoffed with a smile. “And what do you know about our relationship?”

“I know that you’re both on two entirely different roads.”

“That’s
a pretty lame assessment
,” I retorted, even though I felt really uneasy about how close to the truth he really was.

He shrugged. “Maybe so. But
you
gotta
understand something about Austin. And maybe you know this, but maybe you just need reminded…”

I’ll admit I took the bait, so I said,
“I’m listening.”

“Austin is…
unbounded.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning
you can’t hold him down. He doesn’t like to feel restricted. H
e likes variety, different routines. If he had the same thing, day in and day out, he’d get bored. He likes change. Life is more exciting to him that way. Why do you think he works a few different jobs? Besides racing, if he was stuck with
the same job everyday
…he’d get bored.”

I slowly nodded my agreement. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“
But do you understand what I’m saying?” he added, glancing my way. “Same goes with relationships.
I’m actually surprised he even has a steady girlfriend.”

“Oh jeez, let’s not get on this subject.”

“Why not?
I’m trying to tie it up here, in reference to my ‘two entirely different roads’ theory.”

I groaned to myself, but I’ll confess that I was really intere
sted in what Ben had to say. He’d known
Austin
longer
than I
had
, and I was curious to learn anythin
g about him that could have an a
ffect on my future.

“Okay, I’m listening,” I finally said.

He eyed me for a few seconds as we both crossed the shallow creek, Ben allowing me to go first. When we were both on the other bank, side-by-side on the trail, he smiled at me.

“You’re too curious to not let it go,” he stated.

“And you don’t have to rub it in.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “No, I’m not holding that against you. I’m only here to help.”

“Right, and what’s in it for you?”

He thought about that for a second. “Absolutely nothing. But look, Nova…
I really am
trying to be helpful here. I know Austin doesn’t think much of me, but I still care about him. I don’t know if we’re ever going to be friends again, but
if we do,
I doubt it will be anytime soon. But I do care about him and the things going on in his life. That includes you.”

Yeah, I could sense that from Ben and I knew it to be the truth. But I also knew that Austin probably wouldn’t be too thrilled to find out that I was talking to Ben about this kind of stuff. He had already agreed that I had the right to be friends with whomever I wanted—even Ben, since he was a part of the “family” again—but talking about such private matters most likely wasn’t
included in that
.

But Ben was right: I was too curious to not let it go.

“Okay, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say, but I reserve the right to disagree with you at any time.”

“Of course. And I wouldn’t expect anything different,” he added with a smile.

“Fine, so back to the whole ‘on different roads’ thing. What makes you say that about two people that are in love and completely devoted to one another?”

He
laughed
sarcastically. “Exactly that,” he said. “The fact that you would say that, out loud, when obviously it’s not true.”

“Obviously? What do you mean?”

“Okay, so we have
Austin—a
guy that has everything
, including a thrilling career that puts him on top of the world, something that he loves more
than anything. Then we have you—a
girl that’s smart, driven, hardworking
, happy, passionate, unselfish…
willing to give it all up for one unexpected
relationship
that just jumped out of t
he water and bit her in the ass…
You see this going somewhere?
”

“No,” I glared
defiantly
.

“Okay, here’s Austin on the road to glory,” he smiled, directing his hand forward to illustrate. “There’s no way he’s looking back now, no way he’s going to let anything slow him down. He’s headed for his life of thrills and fame, all the things that can bring constant excitement for him. Oh look, it’s a
beautiful
girl that he just has to land. She’s different,” he said, matter-of-factly. “She’s just the kind of change he’s looking for—nothing like all the snobby rich socialites that he’s always been used to dating. No, she’s a new, exciting challenge. Something that could mix things up again so his life stays interesting.” 

“You are so treading on thin
ice
right now,” I
scowled
.

“No, actually I have four steady hooves under me. I think I’m good.”

“Why are you still stuck on the fact that Austin only pursued me because there was some other motivation to it? First it was
because
he felt sorry for me; n
ow it’s because I was
‘an
exciting challenge
’
?
So the bottom l
ine is, in your opinion, that I’m not
good enough for Austin.”

“What? No, that’s not what I’m—”

“Come on, Ben.
Everything you say is telling me that. I get it okay? I’m not the
greatest catch in your opinion. Whether it’s because of my background or my status in life, you don’t think I’m an equal match. B
ut Austin seems to thinks so. No, I
know
that Austin feels that way. You can’t fake the kind of relationship that we have.
”

“I agree with that, but I wasn’t finished. The truth is that he does love you, but you’re too stubborn to realize that
it’s never going to go any further than that.
He. Will. Never. M
arry you.”

Chapter Seventeen

It’s hard when you beat yourself up over the same thing on a regular basis. But when someone else
points out your Achilles heel—t
he one thing that you keep so private because it
hurts too bad to think about—y
ou almost feel so completely transparent that
it becomes
such a humiliating moment.

That’s how I felt when Austin and I had our little discussion about marriage and I realized that he didn’t want to marry me. At the time I hoped that he only meant “for now.” But the more I thought about it, the more I began to dread the obvious.

Ben was right. Everything that he said about Austin was right. He was a free spirit, a maverick. His life consisted of things that he had complete control over, and they were things that
he
wanted
, and the way that he
wanted
it
. Yes he treated me wonderfully, and we did have a great relationship, but he really didn’t want anything tying him
down, and that included me. I
like
d
to think that I had some sort of power over him to change his mind, maybe in time he’d reconsider like my grandpa suggested, but it truly did
seem like the facts were there
and I was only kidding myself.

“I’m really sorry,” Ben finally said quietly. “That was…
I
t
was really harsh to s
ay it like that. But I just—
I see what you guys have
,
and it kind of
worries me
. For you, I mean. I don’t want to see you get hurt, Nova. I mean I care about Austin, but right now he’s not really seeing what this is doing to you. He’s always had that ability to persuade, to get people to agree with his way of thinking. That’s what makes him great at business. But with the personal stuff… I just want you to have your eyes open.”

I wasn’t naïve, and I trusted
Austin more than I trusted Ben
just because I knew him better. But everything Ben had said about Austin made sense.
Even things that Austin had said in the past: “I’m going to win…” “I’m going to be racing…” “I won’t back down…” “Racing is a lifestyle…” He was saying it in so many ways without actually saying it to me: He wasn’t willing to put me first in his life.