Nova (47 page)

“Someone else?” he asked. Then he lightly laughed. “Nova, I’m
not
seeing anybody right now. I told you that I’m not interested in being in a relationship until I feel like I’ve got my feet under me.”

That was at least a relief, but I knew the disappointment he was speaking of had to do with not being in a relationship with
me
as well.

“I can accept being just friends with you Austin,” I
told him
. “If that’s what’s worrying you, I promise that I just want to spend some time with you as friends.
I don’t feel like we should give up that part of us.”

He paused briefly before he said, “I would love to see you if you can make it out here.”

I was elated
and we spent the next few minutes discussing the plans.

Two weeks later I arrived in North Carolina, and Austin himself had arrived at the airport to pick me up. I was waiting for my suitcase at the baggage terminal when someone
tapped me on the shoulder. S
eeing him stand
ing
there didn’t even seem real.

“Hey,” he said.

Holding in your emotions can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, and that moment was no exception for me. I couldn’t do it, and I felt tears slide down my face when he wrapped his arms around me for a hug.
We stood there for a long time
and I could feel myself holding on to him for dear life. He knew I was crying too, but he chose not to say anything. Finally he seemed to clear his throat when he said, “Uh, that’s your bag, right?”

Without waiting for an answer he moved away from me and grabbed my luggage from the carousel. I could totally tell that our reunion had affected him as well, but he played it off much better than I could, and he motioned with his head for us to leave.

“You look…different,” he said as we walked to his car.

“Do I? In what way?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Is your hair differ
ent?” He reached over and ran his fingers
through it. “It’s a little shorter, right?”

“Ye
ah, I cut it about a month ago. But j
ust a few inches.” It was still past my shoulders, but
I guess it
was noticeably shorter.

“
Hm
,” was all he
said.

“You don’t like it?”

“What? No, I like it. It looks fine.”

“What does ‘
hm
’ mean?”

He smiled and shook his head. “It meant nothing.”

“Well if you like it longer I’ll let it grow out again.”

He gave me another smile but shrugged. “I like it just fine.
You look beautiful any way you wear your hair.
I was only trying to figure out what seemed different about you.”

We reached his car—I guess I wasn’t surprised it was a Lotus—and he
stuck
my bag
in the back hatch. Then he opened the passenger’s door and held it
for me
as I got in
.

“Nice wheels,” I told him.

He smiled as he shut the door and walked around to the driver’s side
and sat down
. “It’s not mine. I just wanted to impress you.”

“Really?”

“It’s Drake’s car. One of his ‘back burners.’ ”

“Back burners?”

“Yeah, a car he barely drives because he likes his other ones better.”

“Jeez, just tell him you’ll take it off his hands.”

“I did, so
now
he let’s me drive it.”

We pulled away from the airport
and I allowed the silence while Austin navigated
through
traffic. After a minute he asked, “You hungry? I figured you’d be ready to eat, so I haven’t eaten
yet
.”

“I’m starving.
I’m ready for you to take me to eat some of the good food you’ve been talking about.”

He grinned. “Will do. Where do you want me to start?”

“You can pick. I’m all yours.”

I m
eant that in more ways than one
and I’m sure
he
knew that.

The next two days with Austin were bittersweet. I enjoyed my time with him, but it was difficult. Difficult in the sense that I could tell we were both uncomfortable being around each other as “friends.” There were so many moments where I had to catch myself from doing or saying something that would have displayed how close Austin and I once were. I could tell he
felt the same way, holding back when he’d normally put an arm around me, or kiss me goodnight.

But the third day… The vibes betw
een us had been way too strong,
even
when he met me for breakfast at
the
hotel
I’d been staying at
.
I just knew one of us was going to break the friendship barrier, either by habit or just
out of
pure weakness. It all started when we left the raceway that afternoon, and as Austin was talking to Drake and a couple of other guys from management, out of habit he slid his arm around my shoulder while we were heading out.

It was kind of interesting because he didn’t even realize it until he stopped talking.
He kind of gave me a funny smile as he removed his arm, but I really just wanted that kind of affection fro
m him
and I slid my hand into his as we walked to the parking lot.

“Drake thinks the world of you,” I said, mainly to redirect his attention.

He kind of chuckled. “Yeah, he’s probably the only one.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

He barely shrugged. “I just haven’t been very consistent lately. Things haven’t been working for me. Things around here
have been
a little
tense
, too.”

“How do you mean?”

He sighed as we approached the ca
r
and he turned to face me, dropping my hand in the process. “It’s just been tough.
All of it.
I feel like I’m working my ass off, but it doesn’t seem to be paying off. I haven’t
scored well
for two months, and I’ve barely been in the top ten for those two months, as well.”

My first instinct was to say that he couldn’t expect to win them all, but I
knew
he
would say something similar to “winning is the point.”

“Why do you think things have been off for you lately?” I asked instead.

He glanced away from me
and I could see the tenseness in his jaw. I guess I kind of assumed it had to do with me, especially because he’
d mentioned the past two months
and that’s how long it had been since our break up in Las Vegas. I knew that Austin was stubborn—
it’s
why
I told myself to be patient everyday—but what was I supposed to say to him anymore, and how long was I supposed to wait?

“Austin,
” I said quietly.

He was sort of looking at the ground, so I stepped closer to him and put my hand against his arm. He briefly looked at me, but I was so lost when it came to figuring him out lately. I wanted to believe that he m
issed me—that he still loved me
and maybe was willing to give it another shot—but something told me that he just wasn’t going to put himself
out there. It sort of upset me but I tried to put myself in his shoes. I could understand how pressured he felt, but I really didn’t know what to say or do to help him get through it. And…would he even let me?

But maybe it really was time for me to be a little more assertive, to
go for
what
I
wanted for once
and not take no for an answer
.

“You know one of the things I really love about you?” I finally asked.

He looked at me for a few seconds and shrugged.

“You’re so smart.”

That made him chuckle.

“But,” I said, pausing for effect
, “i
t sometimes works against you.”

He realized I was being serious, so he sombered and leaned against the car to listen.

“You just…over think things sometimes,” I continued. “It’s like you have to put everything into an equation, or place some sort of logical...
value or
whatever to it all. I know you have a shot at something big right now, and whether or not you’ve been trying to balance out things in your life, you just seem to think that you can only have a part of it and not all of it. I know you want to do well in your career; I know this
is what you’ve always wanted b
ut
…
what makes you think that you can’t be happy with
me
, too?
”

He looked away again, but I waited for
a long time until he
finally
chose to
respond.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” is what he told me.

I tried not to get frustrated with him—surely there was
something
he could say—but I took a few seconds to keep my thoughts composed, and I said a silent prayer to know what
I
should say.

Nothing came to me.

We stood there for a bit, and I almost got frustrated with myself because I was about to panic. I felt like it was a cruci
al moment between the two of us,
and how it turned out depended on me.

I went with my instinct
and that was to kiss him. I didn’t even question myself on the decision because I knew
I wanted to. He didn’t react initially
, and I kind of felt like a fool
at first
, but then he put his arms ar
ound me and pulled me closer, putting the
passion
into it that I desired.
Because of how I felt when he kissed me like that, I knew my decision was the right one.

I didn’t even expect a verbal response from him at all, and after our friendly moment naturally came to an end, we both
looked
at each other for a few seconds
and then
got into the car.

“So you still okay with the same dinner plans?” he asked after a minute.

It
was such an awkward transition
and I refrained from smiling. I just replied,
“Yep, unless you have something else in mind.”

I kind of left that up for interpretation, but I didn’t give any other indication to its meaning because I busied myself with the music on the radio. When I found something I liked I said, “Me and
Autumn
saw these guys perform a couple of years ago at the Gibson. It was amazing.”

“Oh, yeah?”

And then we
talked about music for a while,
something that was safe and comfortable for both of us.

But d
inner turned out to be another series of familiar habits with
each other
. We sat close to one another
and flirted with smiles, words, or physical contact. I wasn
’t sure where Austin stood
but I told myself
I was giving
up on the whole “friends” idea. I didn’t want that with him, and I didn’t
believe he wanted that either. B
ut I was hoping he would at least kiss me again. By the time he took me back to my hotel, I made a deal with myself: if he didn’t make a move, I was going to.

“So…I’ll be by at
nine
tomorrow?” he asked, opening the car door for me.

I didn’t say anything
as I got out
, and
when
he shut the door, we just sort of looked at each other for a
few seconds
.

Finally I said, “Thank you for dinner.”

He barely nodded as
we stared at each other again.
I guess I could throw my own words in my face because I stood there reasoning with myself about this or that. I w
anted to kiss him again
and I decided that
that’s what I was going to do. Nova was going to keep g
etting her way for as long as she could
.

This time he welcomed it quicker than before, and as we stood there by the car
with each other
,
eve
rything felt like it had before
and
I was
already
convinced
that he was mine again.

“
Will
you come up to my room?” I quietly asked
in
between kissing him.