Obsession (Forbidden #2) (31 page)

He shouldn’t have come here.

But he did.

He came here.

He found me.

Something I always knew he’d do.

And now I’m faced with a reality I’ve been trying to ignore for far too long…

Neal

I feel my heart break – a real, physical pain – as I watch him, and Kira. Together. And there’s a huge part of me that’s screaming so loud, so fucking loud at me to get in there and stop this; to pull her away from him and get him out of here. But it’s too late. The damage is done. I’m watching my beautiful girl have sex with a man she was once in love with. But that love, I don’t think it ever died.

I thought she’d try and pull up those barriers, and she did, at first. She had them pulled so high around her I really thought we were gonna be OK; that we really would get through this. That all I’d have to do would be to watch her fuck him quickly then we could move on. I thought we were heading towards that. But something happened in there, in that room. I can’t hear what’s being said, all I can do is read their body language, see their facial expressions, but that was all I needed to see to know that something happened in there. Something changed. And it happened way before he started fucking her.

I briefly look away from the screens in front of me, all of them showing him and Kira together, and I take a deep breath before turning back to face them. And he isn’t fucking her. She isn’t fucking him. They’re not even having sex, they’re making love. And with a realisation so harsh it physically knocks the breath right out of me, I know that’s something we’ve never really done, me and Kira. We might think we have, but we haven’t. Not really. We’ve never made love. Not like that.

‘
Shit!
’

I throw myself back in my chair, dragging both hands through my hair. I’ve never felt so defeated. So sick. So empty and lonely and tired. I want that woman with every fibre of my being but I don’t think I can have her. Not fully. Not totally.

I slide my chair back towards the desk and flick the screens off. I can’t watch any more. I don’t need to. I’ve seen all I need to see. I’ve seen everything I never
wanted
to see. I’ve seen enough to know that, no matter how much I love her; how much I need her, I can’t fucking have her.

Does she still want
me
?

I don’t think that matters now.

Even if she does, I’m still walking away.

Kira

He pulls out of me and I sit up, draw my knees to my chest and hug them tight, resting my chin on them as he sits back against the couch, his chest still rising and falling as he tries to catch his breath.

He throws his head back and lets out a small sigh, and I don’t know whether that’s a sigh of resignation or realisation. I don’t know all that much anymore. Except that things are a hundred times more complicated than I ever thought they were back home.

This man here, he’s so different to Neal, but maybe that’s why I was attracted to him – to Neal. Because there was nothing about him that reminded me of the man I loved but couldn’t have.

‘I’m sorry, Jon.’

He turns to look at me. ‘What have you got to be sorry about?’

‘Everything’s such a mess.’

‘It was a mess a long time ago, Kira. It’s been a mess for as long as I can remember.’

I drop my gaze and watch my fingers as they wind nervously together. ‘If I’d just listened to you. Back then. If I’d just been brave enough to face up to everyone and…’

‘Hey, come on. I wasn’t exactly brave either, was I? I could have said something, I could have forced your hand, but I didn’t. I kept quiet.’

‘It wouldn’t have made any difference.’

I get up and walk over to the other side of the room, to the pole in the corner and I stop in front of it, reaching out to run my fingertips over the cool steel.

‘It could never have happened. You and me. Everything was always stacked against us.’

I feel him come up behind me, feel his hand rest on my hip and his lips brush the back of my neck. ‘Maybe it was. Then.’ His mouth brushes my skin again, moving down to my shoulder, his hand stroking the curve of my waist. ‘But now…’

He doesn’t finish the sentence. And I know why. Both of us know why.

I reach back and bury my fingers in his hair, closing my eyes as he continues to kiss my shoulder, working his way back up and I turn my head slightly and catch his mouth and we’re kissing again – hot, hard kisses that cause my skin to prickle and my heart to race.

With his hand still on my hip he swings me around and pushes me back against the thick metal pole, the coolness of the steel sending a shiver rushing through me and I gasp out loud in shock, and then I laugh, and so does he. And suddenly the only memories I can remember are the ones where we’re doing this, we’re laughing. We’re happy. But then he looks at me, right at me, his eyes burning deep into mine and nothing’s funny anymore. This – it isn’t funny. It’s messy and complicated and it’s playing with people’s lives. But it’s happening. And I’m not sure there’s anything any of us can do to stop it.

I reach up behind me and grasp the pole, holding on tight as I wrap my legs around his hips and he holds on to me to steady me, thrusting into me so hard my back slams against the metal. He’s back inside me, and it’s beautiful and wrong and everything I want. He’s everything I need, I think he always has been. I just couldn’t go back, to that life, and that’s exactly what he represented in my mind; the past. And I can’t go back there. But can I really keep on running? For the rest of my life? Because that’s all I’ve been doing since Simon gave me no other choice.

His fingers dig into my hips as he pushes deeper into me, and I can feel him, there inside me, moving and thrusting and I don’t know whether I want him to stop or stay there forever. I just know that, if I stay
here
, with Neal, I’m still running. I’m still fucking running, and Jon, he won’t ever go away. He’ll always find me, he’ll always be there, and I know that. Now. He won’t ever let me go. Because
I
won’t let him.

I wrap my legs tighter around him and I feel his fingertips dig deeper into my flesh as he continues to fuck me, every thrust of his cock pushing me further and further towards an inevitability that was always coming for me. It always has been. It was just a matter of time.

‘I need you, Kira,’ he murmurs, and I feel that beautiful ache, that glorious pain start to take over as he explodes inside me, and I take it all; I accept the power he still holds over me. ‘Jesus
Christ!
’

I need him, too. And I’m crying again, for that life I could never have with this man. I’m crying because I
could
have had it. I could have loved him;
been
loved by him, for all these years. Everything could have been normal and ordinary and the tears won’t stop falling, they’re crashing down my face so fast and so hard I can’t breathe as years of pent-up pain and frustration spill out of me until I collapse into his arms, and he holds me tight, rocking me like a baby, stroking my hair, whispering to me that it’s all going to be alright. It’s going to be OK.

He’s got me.

He always had me.

There was never anyone else.

Twenty-Eight

Neal

I look up as she walks into the room. It only seems like five minutes ago that she was walking in here for the first time, her face a picture of awe and surprise as she caught sight of the view over Manhattan, and I thought we were about to start our new adventure, together. Two lost souls who’d found each other; needed each other. I thought we were gonna be OK.

She sits down on the chair opposite me and drops her gaze to her hands clasped together in her lap. I’ve never seen her look so sad. The distance between us now is so real and so sudden I don’t think I’ve completely got my fucked-up head around exactly what’s going on here; what happened tonight.

‘Alan said you left the club just after midnight. I didn’t know if you’d come straight home, but, I guess you did, huh?’

She can’t look at me. But I want her to look at me. I need her to look at me, just so I can be certain.

‘You should never have asked me to do this, Neal.’

‘You should never have kept him a secret.’

Her head drops even lower and every nerve ending in my body is crying out for me to tell her it doesn’t matter; we can still get through this. But that’s a lie. I don’t think we can.

‘I saw, Kira. I saw it all.’

She slowly looks up, and her eyes meet mine, and the pain in my chest is crushing, it’s unbearable. ‘I’m so sorry, Neal.’

‘So am I, baby.’

She gets up and walks over to the window, folding her arms against herself as she looks out over a view I once thought was gonna become as familiar to her as the Tyne Bridge back in her home town of Newcastle.

‘I told you, didn’t I? When you first said you wanted to be with me…’ She turns around and leans back against the glass, her arms still folded, her face tired and still so sad. I guess tonight’s taken its toll on everyone. ‘I told you it was a mistake.’

‘We weren’t a mistake, Kira.’

I’m angry that she even thought that. I don’t regret a minute with her, in spite of the mess we all seem to be in now.

I get up and go over to her, and for the first time in so long I’m not sure if touching her is something I should do. I don’t know how it’s going to make me feel; how it’s going to make
her
feel. Does she
want
me to touch her?

‘We were never a mistake, darlin’, you got that?’

Her eyes lock with mine and I feel my heart contract with a fresh wave of pain so raw that for a second I can’t catch my breath.

‘You deserve better than me. What I did… What I kept hidden from you, after everything you told me about Lisa…’

She turns her head away from me and a sadness so brutal engulfs me; takes hold of my soul and clenches it tight until I can barely breathe.

‘I wanted you to be enough, I really did. But it wasn’t fair on you, Neal.’ She looks at me again and I don’t think I can bear it, this aura of utter devastation that surrounds us now. ‘
I
wasn’t fair on you. What I did was selfish. I should have walked away when I had the chance.’

I shake my head, because she’s wrong. She wasn’t selfish. She was only doing what she had to do to get over something that had messed her up. ‘I never wanted you to do that.’

She smiles weakly, and I just want to wrap her in my arms and hold her tight and refuse to let her go. But she was never really mine to hold on to. I was never gonna get her for keeps. ‘I really did think I was falling in love with you, Neal.’

I reach out and touch her cheek, a reflex action I’d undertaken before I realised it was happening. But she doesn’t flinch or move away. She covers my hand with hers, our fingers threading together, and I move a little closer, the smell of her perfume filling my head. She’s obviously showered before coming here because I can’t smell him on her. There’s no trace of him there, but the memory of him touching her, fucking her; of what that’s now led to – that’s gonna stay with me for a long time.

‘Just because I wasn’t the one who could love you like you deserve to be loved, Neal, doesn’t mean that that someone isn’t out there, somewhere. Someone who
will
love you.’

I try to smile but it’s hard. I don’t feel much like smiling right now. ‘Are you sure, Kira? About what you’re doing?’

She doesn’t miss a beat as she nods, and her expression is so certain it feels like another knife to my already hacked-up heart. ‘I have to give us this chance, Neal. Me and Jon. I have to. I’ve been running from it for so long and now…’ She bows her head, but she keeps hold of my hand, ‘now I need to see if we really
can
be together.’

‘Are you going back home? To England?’

She looks up, and her expression is once again sad. Defeated. I know how she feels.

‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I
want
to go back; if we
should
go back, so, right now, I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I guess I’m about to head off on another adventure, huh?’

Those words hurt more than anything, because this adventure was supposed to be ours. Mine and hers. Two broken people thrown together, for a reason. And whatever that reason was, the only thing it’s doing now is killing me.

‘I should go,’ she whispers, gently pulling her hand away from mine and I feel a panic start to take over. This is it. She’s about to walk out of my life and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to watch her do that. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing everything I could to keep her here? She’s my life, my world, my fucking obsession, and I’m just gonna let her walk out of here? I’m not that man. I don’t give up that easily.

‘Stay. Please. Just for a few more minutes.’

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Neal.’

I lean in to her and lightly place my hand on her hip, just as I did the very first time we met, and I kiss her cheek, in exactly the same way I’d kissed it back then, in the hope it’s gonna bring all those memories flooding back. And her tiny gasp tells me that she’s weakening, just a touch, as my hand slides around to cup her ass, and I kiss her mouth, and she falls against me, and I feel everything from happy to sad to painful confusion take over every cell in my messed-up body.

‘Remember how good it felt to let go of the past, Kira,’ I murmur, keeping my mouth against hers, I’m not pulling away until I have to. I’m not ready. If he’s got her for keeps he can give me another five minutes. ‘Remember how good that felt, baby.’

She sighs quietly, but does nothing to stop me from kissing her again, in fact, she responds with a kiss just as long and just as deep, her mouth opening to accept my tongue and I keep so tight a hold of her it would be impossible for anyone to pull her away from me now.

‘I can’t do this, Neal,’ she whispers, but she makes no attempt to pull back from me. ‘I can’t…’ She moans quietly as I slide a hand up under her dress, finding the sides of her panties and I tug at them gently before carefully sliding my fingers underneath the thin material, connecting with her warm, wet pussy. ‘I can’t…’ she groans, and I slowly push two fingers inside her and
 
my cock’s yelling at me to either stop this, or let it take over, but I’m not pulling away now. To give her just a second to think about what’s happening here would be dangerous. So I push deeper into her, thrusting a third finger inside and she cries out quietly but widens her stance slightly to give me more room, and I’ve got no clue what the endgame’s gonna be here; once I’ve brought her to orgasm, is she still gonna walk away from me? Is all I’m getting here one final goodbye…?

Kira

I hadn’t wanted this to happen. I was coming here to say goodbye, to tell him I was sorry; that I have to follow my heart. And my heart lies with Jon, even though it’s Neal’s fingers inside me, Neal bringing me to an orgasm I know is gonna be beautiful, but final.

It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it.

I shouldn’t.

It isn’t fair on him. On me. On Jon. It isn’t fair on anyone.

I pull back slightly and look at him, those heartbreakingly beautiful blue eyes of his staring deep into my soul as his fingers fuck me hard and slow and the confusion that sweeps over me is overwhelming. I’m breathless with lust and fear and a love I could have let myself fall into. If my past hadn’t caught up with me.

But I was weak.

I could have been stronger.

And I’m not proud. I’m really not proud…

Neal

I can’t read her expression, it’s almost impassive as her eyes lock with mine and my fingers continue to fuck her. But it’s the hottest freaking feeling, Jesus, could this get any more messed-up?

My thumb connects with her clit, and it’s firm and warm to the touch, and the sound she makes when I start to rub it makes my stomach flip so many times my head’s freaking spinning! The shit she makes me feel, that isn’t ever gonna go away. I’m always gonna remember they way she brought me back to life. Because even if she
does
walk away from me, I’m not going back to the way things were before. I’m keeping the club, I’m keeping my new life. It’s just gonna be a little more empty, without her in it. If she goes.

If…

Kira

Oh, Jesus! Jesus!

I can feel the tingles start to take effect; my skin burning up as his fingers thrust into me and his thumb circles my clit. I can feel it all starting to happen, and I don’t want it to end. Not yet. He started this, and I’m taking it, but I don’t want it to end. Yet. So I take hold of his wrist and yank his hand away from me, my eyes once more staring deep into his.

‘I want to feel this…’ I touch his slightly open mouth with mine, ‘here.’ I take his hand and rest it against me, and he groans, and I know it’s gonna happen. ‘You got that, Mr Cannon?’

I reach down to take hold of the hem of my dress, sliding it up over my hips, and he immediately sinks to his haunches, pulling my knickers down in one swift action. I step out of them and widen my legs, closing my eyes as he takes hold of my hips and pushes me back against the floor-to-ceiling window. But the second his mouth touches me, something inside me snaps; a switch is flicked, I don’t know. I just know that this shouldn’t be happening. Not anymore.

I reach down and cup his face in my hand, pulling him back up to face me, and he’s confused, of course he is. I am, too. But Jon and me, we were never really over. We never
will
really be over. And I can’t betray him any more…

Neal

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t give me what I wanted, what I needed just one more time. I may have underestimated how much this man really means to her, which just tears me apart even more, the pain ripping through me like a thunderbolt.

‘You know that what you feel for him – that’s how I feel about you, Kira. The way you love
him
, that’s how
I
love
you
…’

‘Neal...’

‘That’s how
I
love
you
.’