Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan Book 2) (2 page)

Logan shrugged. “My co-worker mentioned it got a bit wild here, so I figured whatever happened, happened.”

I gave him a skeptical look, but thoughts of his motives disappeared when I saw him raise his beer to his mouth.

“Wait!” I exclaimed. “That’s the beer you…” I trailed off, not knowing how to phrase it.

“The beer that I fucked you with?” Logan finished for me, his eyebrow raised. I nodded my head, feeling myself blush. He took a sip of his beer slowly as he watched me. I was mesmerized by his lips on the bottle that had moments before been inside me. It was both titillating and a little embarrassing.

When he lowered the bottle, he leaned down to drop a kiss on my lips. “That’s the best beer I’ve ever tasted. I’ll have to get some more later tonight, straight from the source.”

I smacked his arm but couldn’t deny the thrill that went through me. I would never tire of this. We could be so full of passion in one moment, and then silly and playful in the next. It was amazing and soul satisfying being with Logan and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

After we finished our beers, we’d had enough of the crowd and decided to go home. I was shivering when we got into the car, although Logan immediately blasted the heat. I made a mental note to never to wear a skirt in winter again, even with boots. I smiled to myself at the thought. Things would have been a lot less fun tonight if I had been wearing pants.

It was a quick drive back to Logan’s apartment. We spent most weekends at his place since it was bigger, although the weekdays were split between my place and his. We spent almost all of our free time together, and Logan had tried to convince me on more than one occasion to move in with him, but I was hesitant. I still felt the need to have my own space, because despite being deliriously happy with Logan, there was a part of me that was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the universe wouldn’t allow me to be so happy because of my past misdeeds, and sooner or later the anvil would drop. It was a morbid way to think, but I couldn’t dismiss the thought.

Despite the negative thoughts that sometimes crept into my mind, on the whole, I was finally coming to terms with it being okay that Logan and I were together. I was able to separate the past, where guilt weighed me down for what had happened with Cassie, from my future, which was more optimistic.

“Do you want a drink?” Logan asked, when we were back inside his apartment. The warmth of being indoors was a relief as I took off my boots and stretched out onto the couch.

“Sure, why not,” I said, although my eyelids were already feeling heavy as I sank into the couch cushions. The beer I had drunk at the bar was making me drowsy and our little interlude had made me even more tired.

By the time Logan came into the living room with a glass of wine, I was half asleep. My eyes fluttered open when I heard his footsteps.

“Thanks,” I said as he set it on the coffee table. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. I leaned into him, nuzzling into his chest and sighing contentedly.

“Tired?” he asked as he dropped a kiss on my head.

“Mmm,” I replied, not having the energy to say anything else. The warmth of Logan’s body was soothing, lulling me to sleep.

“I forgot to mention earlier that I have to go to L.A. next week. I’ve been doing off-site consulting with the clients I handed over when I transferred back here, but there are some complicated issues that I really need to be present for, to handle in person.”

My eyes shot open, my fatigue disappearing. L.A. only meant one thing to me—Kristina. I hadn’t heard a thing from her since she left Chicago to go back to L.A., after she had been shattered by Logan breaking up with her. As far as I knew, Logan hadn’t had any contact with her either. I had never outright asked him, but I assumed that he knew better than to have anything to do with her. But now that Logan was actually going to be in the same city as her, I felt doubt and anxiety creep up. I decided that instead of letting it fester and make myself crazy, I would just straight out ask him.

“I can’t help but think of Kristina when I hear L.A.,” I started carefully, not wanting Logan to think I was accusing him of anything. “I have to admit that it makes me a little uncomfortable that you’re going there. How long will you be there?”

Logan gave my shoulder a light squeeze. “I’m flying out Monday morning and I should be back by Friday. And there’s nothing to worry about. Kristina is a part of my past, nothing more.”

I should have been relieved by his response, but the tension in my body didn’t dissipate. “You’ll be gone almost the whole week,” I said with a frown.

“You could always come with me.”

For a moment, my anxiety lifted at the prospect of going to L.A. with Logan, but then I shook my head. “I can’t. I promised Emily that I would dogsit for her next week because she’s going to be in New York for work.”

Emily had recently adopted a dog from a shelter that had become the love her life, but the dog was deathly afraid of strangers; to the point where she peed when people she didn’t know came into the apartment. I was one of the few people the dog actually liked, besides Emily, and I knew no one else could watch her.

The corners of Logan’s mouth turned down at my refusal. “Can’t she ask somebody else to dogsit or put her in a kennel? It seems ridiculous to not come to L.A. because of a dog.”

Irritation flared at his words and I sat up to face him. He was the one that had just sprung this L.A. trip on me, yet he was getting annoyed that I wasn’t willing to drop my prior obligation. As much as I wanted to go with Logan, and as much peace of mind it would give me about Kristina, there was no way I was going to flake on Emily.

“Emily asked me weeks ago to dogsit Lola. You know Lola is scared of strangers, and you’re suggesting we just throw her in a kennel where she knows no one? You’re the one who’s just telling me now about the L.A. trip. It’s pretty crappy that you’re giving me a hard time about not being able to go with you.”

My annoyance was clear in my tone of voice, and Logan put up his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. It just seemed like the perfect idea for you to come with me and I was disappointed. I know Emily is counting on you to watch Lola.” Logan gave me a placating smile that was full of boyish charm, meant to disarm me. “I’ll miss you.”

I laughed at his blatant attempt to get me back in good humor, and I allowed it to work. Logan pulled me up from the couch and carried me into the bedroom. I was too tired to do anything besides sleep, and Logan seemed to read my mind and just held me close in bed. I drifted off to sleep contentedly and was almost able to push the worry about Kristina out of my head. Almost.

Chapter Two

We had an amazing weekend, but Monday came too soon. I hadn’t brought up Kristina or L.A. again because I didn’t want to ruin the weekend, but it had been on my mind constantly. When Logan left Monday morning, he gave me a kiss and told me he loved me, just like every other Monday. But this Monday, I knew he would be gone for almost the entire week. That was bad enough, since we had never spent so much time apart since the start of our relationship, but the Kristina factor just made everything worse.

I tried to push the thoughts out of my head as I headed over to Emily’s apartment after leaving Logan’s place. I was going to stay at her apartment while she was gone, since Lola was much less anxious in her own home.

“There’s nothing worse than having to fly out for work on a Monday morning,” Emily groused, in lieu of a greeting when she opened the front door.

“Good morning to you, too” I said with a smile. I saw Lola peering at me from behind the living room couch. When she realized who it was, she came bounding toward me with enthusiasm.

“Hi, cutie pie,” I said, crouching down to scratch her behind her ears. The shelter had said Lola was a mix between a Cairn Terrier and Schnauzer, and she definitely had the energy of a terrier when she was happy.

“Thanks so much for watching Lola,” Emily said over her shoulder as she hurried to her bedroom.

“No problem,” I replied, as I continued to pet Lola. “It’s pretty easy to watch a sweet dog like her.”

I scooped up Lola into my arms and was rewarded with a wet doggy kiss. Emily came out of her bedroom, pulling a suitcase behind her and looking harried.

“It’s a good thing you’re early. I need to leave earlier than planned because Sylvia wants me to stop by the office to get a file she forgot, before meeting her at the airport.” Emily irritably blew at a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail. “I have to be the one who rushes because
she
forgot the damn file.”

Sylvia, Emily’s boss, was a real taskmaster, but Emily put up with her because she was slowly being given more and more interior design responsibility, which she craved, but she still did plenty of the grunt work.

“I’d say try to have fun, but I get the feeling this trip is going to be all work and no play,” I said sympathetically as I followed her to the front door.

Emily grimaced. “Remind me again why I put up with Sylvia and her constant demands?”

“Because soon you’re going to be running projects in your own right and you’ll become a world-famous interior designer, and then you can order your own lackeys around to do your bidding.”

Emily grinned. “Oh yeah, that’s right.” She gave me a quick hug. “Thanks again. I’ll check in when I can.”

“No problem.” I raised one of Lola’s paws and waved it at her. “Say bye-bye to mommy.”

Emily leaned down and kissed Lola on the head. “Bye, cutie, I’ll miss you. Be good.”

Lola whined a little after Emily left, but I distracted her with one of her toys, and soon she was happily romping around the living room with her stuffed monkey in her mouth.

I got my computer from the overnight bag I had brought with me, and set myself up on Emily’s breakfast table so I could work on my article. The cursor blinked at me on the empty page as I tried to concentrate on forming coherent thoughts into sentences about minimum wage, the topic of my article, but all I could think about was Logan. I trusted him, and I knew he wouldn’t have any contact with Kristina, but the “what ifs” wouldn’t stop plaguing me. What if, by chance, they ran into each other? Logan had never denied he had feelings for her when they were together, even though he claimed it wasn’t love. I knew he cared about her, and regretted the way he had hurt her. Even though I knew it was unreasonable, it killed me that he cared about another woman in any way. Then guilt was added on top of all my anxious feelings. Kristina hadn’t done anything to me. In fact, I was the one who had wronged her by being involved with Logan while they were still together. It was a confusing mix of emotions that was giving me a headache.

I shut my laptop, knowing I wouldn’t be getting any work done today. It was easier to just play with Lola, so I spent the bulk of the morning throwing her ball to her indoors. She loved fetch, but it was way too cold to play outside.

Time crept by, and I kept checking my watch, wondering if Logan’s plane had landed yet. I decided to kill some time by braving the blustery weather outside so Lola could get some exercise, but it was too cold for more than a lap around the block. After Lola relieved herself, we headed back inside.

I was stretched out on the couch with Lola on my lap watching TV when my cell phone rang. I grabbed it, relieved when I saw Logan’s name flashing across the screen.

“Hi, Logan,” I said, trying to sound casual and not like I had been on pins and needles, waiting to hear from him.

“Hey, babe. I miss you already.”

I instantly felt foolish for being so worried about him and Kristina. Whatever had been between them was in the past, and I needed to trust Logan, or our relationship would never succeed.

“Me, too. I can’t believe you’re going to be gone almost the whole week. Where are you now?”

“The car just picked me up and I’m headed to the hotel. Are you at Emily’s now?”

“Yup. Lola and I are being lazy and watching TV.”

“Wish I was there with you. I’m not going to enjoy sleeping alone tonight.”

Logan and I hadn’t slept separately in the last four months we’d been together, so it was definitely going to be weird without him tonight.

“I know,” I replied, already dreading the empty bed I would be facing tonight. And it wouldn’t even be my own. “I’ll just have to cuddle with Lola.”

“Cuddling wasn’t what I had in mind.”

I laughed, although I couldn’t help admonishing him. “Your driver can hear everything you’re saying!” I warned. “Keep it clean.”

“I’m sure he’s heard and seen a lot worse.” Logan’s voice dropped. “Besides, I haven’t even begun to talk about how I’m going to miss that sweet pussy of yours.”

“Logan!” I screeched, half-horrified and half-laughing. “Don’t say another word.” Even though his driver couldn’t see me, and had no idea who Logan was talking to, I could feel myself blushing.

I could hear the amusement in Logan’s voice, but I could also hear the desire. “Don’t worry, I’ll save the details for tonight when I call you and tell you how I’m going to fuck you.”

Despite my embarrassment, I decided to beat him at his own game. “What time are you going to call? I just want to make sure I’ll be available to talk because I brought my vibrator with me. I’m planning on making myself come over and over again tonight, imagining it’s you between my legs. You know how wet you make me when you use your mouth on me. Then I’m going to fuck myself, imagining it’s your hard cock inside me.”

My teasing was to get a bit of revenge on Logan, but I felt myself getting aroused by my own words. I knew they’d had an effect on him as well when he spoke, because his voice had deepened and become husky.

“Sweetheart, I’m going to hold you to that, and I’m expecting to hear every single moment of it.”

It was at this inopportune time that I heard the muffled voice of his driver speaking to him.

“Maddie, we’re at the hotel. As much as I would like to continue this conversation, I have to get to the office soon for a meeting.” His voice lowered. “But I’ll call you later tonight. Be ready to tell me everything you’re going to do to yourself.”

It was disappointing to end the call with Logan, but the anticipation of talking to him again tonight made me feel better. It reminded me that Logan was devoted to me and I had no reason to worry. It put my mind enough at ease that I was able to spend the rest of the day working on my article. Before I knew it, it was dark outside, and I closed my laptop and stretched, happy with my progress for the day.

It had been nice having Lola lie by my feet as I worked, and I pondered whether I should get a dog. I nixed that idea the minute the cold air slapped my face when I took Lola out to relieve herself. I could do without having to walk a dog in crappy weather.

I made myself a sandwich for dinner when we got back inside, not wanting to bother with cooking. I spent the next few hours killing time watching TV, waiting for Logan’s call. When I hadn’t heard from him by eleven o’clock, I started getting antsy. I decided to call him, but I hung up when I got his voicemail.

I told myself that it was two hours earlier in L.A. so he could be at dinner still, since I was sure his week would be filled with work dinners. I got ready for bed and climbed in, turning off the lights, but making sure to keep my phone on the nightstand so that I would wake up if it rang.
When
it rang,
I told myself.

Lola was a comforting presence next to me in bed and I stroked her soft head as I tried to fall asleep, but it was impossible as my mind whirred with a million different thoughts. I wished I could pop one of my sleeping pills that I had brought with me, but I didn’t want to sleep through Logan’s call.

My mind wandered to Cassie. I still thought about her all the time, but it was less guilt-ridden, and more focused on memories of happier times. I had finally been able to put to rest the conviction that I had responsible for her death. I would never know why she took her own life, but I took comfort in the fact that when she was alive, we had shared so many joys and had been each other’s rock through difficult times. Our time together had been special and I would carry the memory of our friendship with me until I met her again on the other side.

It was with these thoughts that I drifted off to sleep, Lola’s warm body snuggled next to mine.

The next thing I was conscious of was sunlight streaming through the windows. I rolled over and squinted at the alarm clock, surprised that it was already eight o’clock in the morning. I grabbed my phone, disappointed that I had obviously slept through Logan’s call. My stomach twisted when I saw that I had no missed calls from him. It was unlike him not to call when he said he would, especially when he had to have seen that I had tried to call him last night. His phone had rung for a while before going to voicemail, so his cell phone had definitely been on. A hard ball of anxiety started to form in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t know if I could face getting his voicemail again.

I lay in bed as a thousand thoughts washed over me, none of them good. Even Lola must have sensed my anxiety, because she sighed heavily and put her head on my leg. I decided that my imagination was probably a hundred times worse than reality, and I really needed to call Logan to find out why I hadn’t heard from him. It was possible that there could have been some sort of work emergency or maybe he was jetlagged and fell asleep. A dozen excuses that I was willing to accept flitted through my head as I pressed the button to call him.

When I got his voicemail again, I wanted to throw my phone across the room in frustration. I threw back the covers and swung my feet onto the floor, startling Lola.

“Sorry, girl,” I murmured as I stroked her head. She was quickly appeased and put her head back down on the bed, apparently not ready to get up for the day. I, on the other hand, was wide awake, fueled by anger and anxiety.

I was on my third cup of coffee when my phone finally rang. I grabbed it, feeling both relieved and pissed when I saw that it was Logan. I let it ring a few times, not wanting him to think I had been waiting by the phone. I hated to play games, but all of a sudden, I was feeling vulnerable and unsure about myself when it came to him. We had been so happy together these past few months, but it was because I had almost been able to forget that Kristina existed. Now I was being forced to deal with my jealousy of her again.

“Hello?” I tried to sound nonchalant, but I knew I sounded cold instead.

“Maddie, I’m sorry that I didn’t call last night. Things here have gotten a little crazy.”

I took a deep breath before replying, trying to rein in my anger before I heard Logan out. Normally, a missed call would be an annoyance but not a big deal. But my fears about Kristina magnified all my emotions.

“What’s happening?” My tone was calm but I could hear the restrained irritation slipping through.

“One of our major clients is threatening to drop us because of reasons that are beyond our control. I don’t want to bore you with the details, but I was up all night with the other partners trying to figure out how to appease our client, and time just got away from me. By the time I realized I hadn’t called you yet, it was too late, and I didn’t want to wake you, even though I saw your missed call. I crashed pretty hard last night and just woke up and saw I had missed another call from you. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I hope you weren’t worried.”

It was a valid excuse, but it didn’t relieve the knot in my stomach. I told myself that I was being irrational, and there was no reason to be upset with Logan. I forced myself to sound upbeat when I replied.

“It’s okay. Lola and I had an early night after an exciting evening watching TV. So what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Back-to-back meetings, unfortunately. I actually have to go now because I have a client call in a few minutes. I miss you. I promise to call tonight.”

He’s in L.A. for work. He doesn’t have time to chitchat.
I tried to convince myself of this, but Logan had always made time for me, no matter what, so I was unused to being put on the backburner. But I made my tone neutral.