On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep (36 page)

“So, what do you take from that, Jake?”

“I realized she didn’t need me to stay on a positive path. She was determined to do it on her own, and instead of leaning on me, she proved to herself what she’s worth. It taught me that I was underestimating how strong she was. I didn’t know she could get herself here without me. And it feels amazing to see her so independent and secure.”

“Gracie, how do you feel about where you are right now in your journey?”

It was awesome to see that even Sylvia couldn’t wipe the grin from her face. Gracie’s transformation over the last two months was amazing.

“I never knew what I was capable of. All this time, I still believed the lies Noah told me with his words and in the way he treated me. When he humiliated me, he essentially was telling me I was lucky to have him because no one else would want me. When he said and did deviant things to me, he was showing me I didn’t have any control over what happened to me. But now, I know all those things are lies. I’m just so pissed I didn’t realize it sooner. I wasted almost three years of my life believing lies that tore me to shreds.” Gracie took my hand in both of hers and laid them in her lap. The back of my hand tingled where it met her bare thighs.

“Actually Gracie, I don’t believe those years were wasted. Look how far you’ve come in such a short amount of time. Those years taught you about a place you didn’t want to be which gave you the path you are headed now.”

“I guess you’re right. So, what comes next?”

“What do you mean?” Sylvia tapped her pen on the yellow pad in her lap.

“Well, how do I know when I can invest myself in my relationship with Jake without sacrificing the strides I’ve taken so far?” She looked at me with sparkling hazel eyes then laid her head on my shoulder.

“What are you looking to gain from reconnecting with Jake in a romantic way?” Sylvia’s eyes darted back and forth between Gracie and me.

I thought about the question she asked. What did I want to gain by getting back together with Gracie?

“I want to feel that freedom that comes with not being guarded. I loved what Jake and I had, which is why it was so damn hard to walk away.”

My heart skipped a beat. She stole the words I didn’t know I had from my mind.

“Tell me what that is. What do you and Jake have that you are missing while you’re apart?”

“I spent years being guarded and filtering every thought before I spoke, so I wasn’t ridiculed or put down. When Jake and I are together, that wall I built is gone. There’s such a peace about how we are together. I can say anything or do anything without the fear of what his possible reaction might be. But this whole time we’ve been taking this break, I’ve had to be guarded so I don’t cross the line we created. I don’t like feeling guarded with Jake. We’ve never ever been that way.”

“So, you two haven’t crossed any lines since the beginning of June? Jake?”

Shit. I didn’t want to talk about this to Sylvia. I felt awkward, like I was taking an oral exam. But I promised Gracie I would, so I answered.

“Well, we’ve kissed a few times, and a couple weeks ago we went a little farther.” My stomach fell just thinking about the morning we woke up together and Gracie asked me to kiss her. It was the coldest shower I’ve ever had to take. “Gracie and I used to nap together all the time. Even when we were just friends. It was innocent, and we usually just fell asleep talking. We tried to do that about three weeks ago, and we both woke up craving each other.”

“So, what happened?”

I was nervous to answer her. I looked at Gracie for guidance and she took on that question. We were like a tag team.

“We started making out, and I have no self-control when it comes to Jake. But I knew if we crossed that final line and made love, it would sort of wreck all the independence I’d worked on securing within me. So, I stopped it. And he took a cold shower.”

“So, how would making love now feel?” She looked at Gracie which meant I was off the hook.
Thank the Lord.

“The last few weeks of June were really up and down for Jake and me. He was having a tough time with my growing relationship with Calon, and I had walked into
Mitchell’s
to find Jessica, his ex, hanging on him. We were both still really unsure of what was going on, and I feel like we would have been making love to prove to
ourselves
that we were still connected. If we made love now, it would be to celebrate a connection we are certain was never lost.”

Instantly turned on.

Her words were so deep and so thoughtful. She was truly a brand new Gracie. I was in awe of her strength. What she had gone through with Noah over the past couple years sucked, but the strength that pain gave her was immeasurable. He’d tried to crush her, but she took that pain and built a whole new self from it.

“So, Sylvia,” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “How will I know when it’s appropriate for us to be together? I don’t want to cross a line that feels right at the time then regret it later. I don’t want to jeopardize all the progress she’s made.” I was a little proud of myself for blurting out my question. It really was something I’d been concerned about.

“This will sound cliché but you will just know. It will be magical, and there will be no doubt in either of your minds that it’s the right time.”

Gracie and I held each other’s gaze for a while, just letting that sink in. Wow, was that going to be an event. Physically, we craved one another, but when our minds are connected and her heart is strong and she is sure of herself...it will be epic. I smiled and knew neither of us had ever been where a moment like that would take us.

“What?” Gracie smiled and seemed curious as to why I was smiling.

“Nothing, just thinking.”

“So, Gracie, have you done anything to your apartment? You know, changed it up a bit?”

“Actually, I haven’t. I think that’s the only homework you’ve given me that I haven’t completed.”

“What are you supposed to do with your apartment?” I was curious, but after the question was out of my mouth, I was worried it was something I shouldn’t have asked.

“Sylvia was telling me that my apartment could actually be a trigger for me. It could push me back to a place of insecurity and fear because everything that happened started from that first night in my apartment when Noah told me about all the cheating.”

“Okay.” I said the word slowly, hoping something would click and I would understand what she was trying to explain.

“She said we should make some new memories there. They would sort of chase away the old ones, then my apartment would be less of a trigger because I’d have new, happy memories that would replace the bad ones.”

“So, what kinds of things are you thinking?” Making new memories to me meant making some memories on the couch, the kitchen counter, in the shower, on the floor....but I wasn’t about to let those thoughts out. The slap I got to the chest let me know Gracie knew exactly where my mind was going.

“Maybe, after we leave here, we could go to that Home Décor outlet out on Kingston Pike. We could buy some colorful pillows and art for the walls. We could change the room around and hang some curtains. It would be really fun to do it together, Jake. Just you and me.”

“That’s the idea. You two working together to transform your home, Gracie, will create a new sense of belonging that will reflect the Gracie you are now. You will walk into your apartment and see the present, not fight the past because everything looks and feels the same.”

****

Gracie and I stopped at the police station to turn over the DVDs before we went shopping for the stuff to transform her apartment. The policeman who took Gracie’s statement, said he wasn’t sure if the tapes could be used to press charges against Noah since the sex on them was consensual. Technically, what Noah did wasn’t a crime. But he said there
was
a possibility they could be used as evidence in a criminal complaint filed against the Sigma Chi Fraternity.

Gracie walked out of the police station with her shoulders squared and her head held high. She could finally wash her hands of that part of her story.

Well, three hours and four hundred dollars later, Gracie and I lugged a dozen bags into her drab apartment, ready to make it new again.

“Gracie, your phone is ringing. Where is it?”

By the time I rustled through all the bags and found it, her screen said “Missed call Stacy.”

I hit the call back button and put the phone on speaker and waited for her to hear who it was.

“Nice. You don’t answer when it could be the first time we talked in almost three months? I know my name came up on your screen. Nice, Gracie, real nice.”

“Stacy! I am so excited to hear your voice. I have so much to tell you.”

“Oh, my fuck! You’re pregnant!”

“No! Oh, holy hell, no! It will have to wait until you get back. It could take hours for me to tell you.”

“Well, that’s why I called. I’ll be back August 9th. And I’m staying for the rest of the summer.”

“Oh my word, Stacy! I knew I missed you, but hearing your voice is making me miss you so hard right now!”

“Are you crying? Gracie!”

“No, it’s just been a tough summer so far. I miss you so much!”

“Well, all I have to say is, I hope you’ve been living at Jake’s, because you know how I am about my stuff. I’ll know if you messed with anything. I’m planning on walking into the apartment and seeing it exactly like I left it!”

Gracie and I stared at each other. I had to cover my mouth so my chuckle would go unnoticed.

“Don’t you worry, Stace...you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I promise.”

The other line beeped.

“Stacy, I gotta go. Calon’s on the other line.”

“
Calon?
As in mother fucking hot as hell Calon?”

“Yes. I gotta go. I’ll see you soon! Love you!”

“Bye, Gracie! You have a lot of explaining to do!”

“I know, I know.”

It was fun being a voyeur in that conversation. Gracie’s smile wrapped around her face at the sound of Stacy’s voice, and that turned my insides to jelly. She answered her phone, but kept it on speaker so she could start unpacking the bags we’d brought back.

“Calon.”

“Hey, Gracie. I have a favor to ask.”

“Uh oh. Are you in jail?”

“Hell no! I need you to sing with me tomorrow night for an event I committed to. Manny was supposed to come and play guitar, but I, uh, forgot to tell him and he has something else going on. Please, Gracie.”

“All right.”

“Wow. That was easy. It’s at the psych ward at the hospital.”

Gracie’s eyes bulged out of her head and she yelled, “
Calon!
”

“I’m...kidding.” Calon could barely talk, he was laughing so hard. “But that was your first lesson in ask
all
the questions before you agree to a gig.”

“I’m gonna hit you.”

“Thanks, G. You’re a life saver.”

Forty-eight

Gracie

The huge room was stark white, and the pastel-colored abstract works on display were painted by the same artist. They were unbelievably intricate and yet simple, if that makes any sense. One of the pieces was called, “Transformation.” I smiled at the coincidence. I was so nervous. While Calon socialized, I just stood near the food with a guitar that wasn’t Josephine. In my panicked rush to get ready, I’d left without her.

I looked around and tried to distract myself from my terminal jitters by thoroughly inspecting all the art. There was a banner hanging above the door when we came in that said, “Thank you for supporting the Just Breathe Foundation in Memory of Chloe Alexander.” I wondered how Calon was connected to the foundation we were going to play for.

I watched him as he interacted with the people around him. He was so comfortable in his own skin. I heard someone ask him if he’d mind performing while she made sure the rest of the artists were ready for the event to begin. He walked to a small platform and cleared his throat. Just his presence stopped all conversation. The lights dimmed, except for the one directly over him.

He slowly started an a capella version of “One Love” by Bob Marley. I was in awe. His eyes fluttered, revealing their deep green color and mesmerizing me each time he looked at me. His voice was between husky and fluid. That version of the song must have been his own; although recognizable, it was unique. He didn’t try to mimic Marley’s island accent. It was in full Calon Ridge style. The words rolled off his tongue as though they passed through his mind on a continuous loop. Easy. Beautiful. He smiled as he made eye contact with the people in the small crowd that had formed near him.

It was at that moment I decided I wanted to know his story. No sooner was that thought through my mind when his eyes lifted to mine, even though I was across the room. They locked on me as he finished the song. My stomach flipped upside-down and inside-out. Jake held my whole heart, but there was something about Calon that stirred something inside me, something I didn’t yet understand. He was like a book laid open on a table. I just couldn’t seem to read the small print.

As he thanked the people in the crowd, shook hands, and signed a couple autographs, he kept his rock god gait headed in my direction.

“Gracie, can you take the next song? There’s someone I need to speak to before she gets too busy.”

“Now?”

He nodded.

Oh God.
“What do you want me to sing?”

“I trust you. Just be, Gracie.”

We had talked about a couple songs on the walk to the Visual Arts building. I had been practicing the Pearl Jam song, “Just Breathe,” with Yaz. It seemed fitting, although I wasn’t sure what the banner referenced. So, I strummed the guitar with a knot in my throat. I played the intro three times and feared I was stuck. I worried I wouldn’t be able to do it. I looked up to see if the crowd had dissipated. Nope. They stayed in perfect form, and the amoeba of art-freaks walked across the room as one being. Calon stood off to the side talking to a woman that looked to be a little older than my mom. She held onto his arm like she couldn’t bear to let go. She wiped her face with a handful of tissues then leaned in to hug him. She rubbed his back in a familiar way then smiled and walked away.