Once Broken (19 page)

Impending romance was interrupted. Dark brown pigtails bounced as she ran. “Mama! Tuny! Can we feed the ducks?” Pweeeeeeze?”

Tony jumped up and grabbed Jackie arm. “Sure!”

Gina plopped into Tony’s arms, said, “I wuv you, Tuny Saukki.” She squeezed her little arms around his bulky neck.

Gina fell asleep in the car. After Tony carried her to bed, he and Jackie sat on the twin-mattress sofa. Tony rolled onto his side, propped up on one arm, and whispered, “Hey, she loves me!”

“I heard.” Jackie smiled.

“Maybe she’ll stop calling me Tuny Saukki and call me Daddy?”

“Well, we’ll work on it. Isn’t she a riot with that Tuny Saukki?” Jackie chuckled. “For years, your name was the nicest thing I called you. I’m glad that’s what stuck with her.” She laughed, remembering. Tony frowned, imagining. Tony kissed Jackie and pulled her to straddle his lap, but for Jackie, passion mixed with rage and she rocketed off the mattress.

“What’s wrong, Jack?”

“I don’t know… I can’t do this. Please go. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Her heart pounded.

“Jackie, this is crazy! Did I do something wrong? We had such a nice day.”

“I know. I don’t know, Tony. I’m confused. Please go. I need time to think. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Tony rose from the makeshift sofa, tucking in his shirt. He leaned down to kiss Jackie’s cheek. “Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep well.”

Jackie’s sleep was tormented. She didn’t understand her conflicting emotions. One minute she was thrilled to have him in their lives. The next minute she was overcome with resentment and rage. She’d been driven into lunacy, she concluded.

*

Tara was sitting at Jackie’s kitchen table. “Tell me what’s going on with the three of you?”

Jackie recounted pertinent events as she poured coffee. “This time I’m the one with the problem. It’s weird.” She stirred sugar into her coffee. “I love him on some level, but on another, I’m resentful. Here’s a typical week. I look forward to seeing him on Sundays. By Saturday, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. Then Sunday, when he’s standing at the door, I want to slam it in his face.” She snapped her fingers. “Just like that, I snap! It’s frightening!”

Gina ran barefoot into the kitchen and jumped into Tara’s arms. “Auntie Tawa!” Gina threw her arms around Tara’s neck, squeezing hard.

“Ooh! You’re getting so big. Thanks for the big hug, sweetie!”

“I wuv you.”

“I wuv you too!”

Gina gave Auntie Tara a disapproving scowl for teasing her. Tara chuckled as she lowered her to the floor.

“Mama, can I have a donut? A chocwut one?”

“Sure.” She placed a donut on an orange Tupperware plate. “Now go see what Cookie’s doing. Quick! I hear him!” Gina scampered into the living room.

Tara reached for a jelly donut, and sympathized. “Jackie, it’s not difficult to understand why you’re conflicted. You guys have a tumultuous history. It’s all nice and noble to do this forgiveness thing, but the reality is, the bastard left you when you were pregnant. How can you forget that, even if you can forgive? And how do you trust him again?”

“Yeah.” Jackie nodded. “There’s more. He’s so generous with us. When we go out, no expense is spared. That should make me happy, right? But no. Instead, it makes me angry as hell to realize that he has tons of money while I’m pinching pennies to survive. And then there’s that car of his. It’s gorgeous, has all the bells and whistles, like anyone who knows Tony would expect. While I’m driving around in my ten-year-old jalopy. On the other hand, he’s so nice to us. He buys thoughtful gifts, takes us to dinner, brings us flowers. And, Gina loves him. My mother says that we need time and I should be patient with him for Gina’s sake. Why can’t I be happy dating him like he wants?”

“What do you mean ‘date him like he wants’?”

“Well he never said it, but he’s dating us both.”

“Well, there you go.” Tara put down her coffee cup. “Why should you be happy with that? He shows up for weekly visits and everything seems peachy. But there’s a whole bunch of days in between where you’re still a single mom, living under all that emotional and financial stress. No wonder you’re resentful. He’s not making any tangible difference in your life, although he’s equally responsible for your situation.”

Jackie raised her hand, shaking her index finger. “That makes a lot of sense. When he’s here the hardship vanishes. But it returns the instant he leaves. Then, the thought of having sex with him freaks me out.”

“Sex? I’d hope so. How can you be sure he won’t leave you pregnant again?”

The conversation was interrupted by a ringing phone. Gina answered. “Hewo?” Then, “Mama! It’s Daddy!”

Jackie looked at Tara, who mouthed, “Daddy?” Jackie shrugged, taking the phone from Gina. “Hi.”

“Hi. How are you today?” Tony asked.

“Okay, but we should talk. How about tonight?”

“Sure.”

“Around eight after Gina is in bed?”

“See you then.”

*

Tony and Jackie sat at the kitchen table. “I’m having a glass of wine, want one?”

“Sure,” Tony replied.

Jackie poured two glasses of white wine and placed them on the table. She took a deep breath. “Tony, I think we’re moving too fast. I think you should spend time adjusting to being Gina’s dad before we complicate things with our relationship. Maybe later it’ll feel different. But right now, I … I don’t know. I have a bunch of mixed emotions.”

“Yeah, right.” Tony’s shifted in his chair.

“Tony, say what you’re thinking.”

“You’re right, okay?” He stared at his wine glass.

“Tony, really, we can’t expect to pick up where we left off. We’re not the same people. At least, I’m not.”

“I said, fine. Am I arguing with you?” The rage in his eyes sent a shiver through her.

Her eyebrows knitted. “No, but you’re not talking to me either.”

“Well, I have nothing to say. I agree.”

“Tony, I don’t think you understand
—
”

“I understand fine. I agree. What more do you want?”

“Nothing. I guess we’re done.” He stood. She followed him to the door. “Do you still want to see Gina on Sunday?”

“Yeah,” Tony responded, but his voice was flat.

“There’s a carnival down the street Gina’s been asking to go. Do you want to do that? Maybe Anna could come. You know how she loves carnivals,” she said, hoping to add diversity to the group.

“Fine.”

Jackie sighed.
I guess this is the best we can do right now.
With her hand on the door, she said, “Okay, we’ll see you Sunday.”

*

“Oh yook! Tuny’s here!” Gina exclaimed as she watched Tony’s car pull up to the curb. “Mama, Nana’s here too!”

“Oh, I know, honey. I told you that Nana is Tony’s mama, right?”

“I know!” Gina jumped with joy at the sight of them.

Jackie opened the screen door for them. Anna pecked Jackie’s cheek. “Hi dear, thank you for including me. You know how I love carnivals.”

“I do. You enjoy them almost as much as Gina.”

“Give Nana a hug, you precious little one!” Gina jumped into her grandmother’s open arms.

“Tuny Saukki, Mama said we going to da carnibal. Can we?”

“Sure, we can.” Tony’s smile was weak. “If you give your daddy a hug.”

Gina leaped into his arms, squeezing his neck tightly. “I wuv you, Daddy. Not as much as Mama, but a wot!”

Jackie put her face up to her daughter’s. “I wuv you a wot too, honey. Okay, let’s go!”

At the carnival, Anna’s presence diluted the tension. If the focus wasn’t on Gina, it was on Anna. While Gina and Anna circled on the merry-go-round, Jackie hid her discomfort created by the silence between her and Tony.

Tony was scanning the crowd. “Oh shit!”

“What’s the matter?” She was happy to say something.

“Nothing. Just saw someone I’d prefer not to run into.”

Another cryptic statement
. Rolling her eyes, she focused on Gina and Anna coming around toward her. “Hi honey,” she called to Gina, waving her hand.

*

Ellen, Tara, and Jackie met for coffee on Saturday while Gina spent time with her Uncle Paul.

“What happened when you talked to Tony?” Tara asked.

“He completely shut down. He won’t talk to me. He seems insulted. But I didn’t say anything insulting. He wants everything his way. But seriously, how can he expect us to date? I can’t date
him
! There’s a lot of mending to do. You helped me to see that, Tara. And, he’s gotta work it out with me. He says he’s sorry, and I’m supposed to forget everything! I want to, but I can’t
.
I can’t pretend he doesn’t owe us more than what we’re getting. It’s so complicated.”

“What does Anna say?” Ellen asked.

“We don’t say too much to each other. She’s his mother, after all. But she’s informed me, in her own self-righteous way, that I don’t know how to handle him. She expects me to coddle him. I can’t do that either.”

“Here’s an idea.” Tara said. “It may sound crazy, but why don’t you go to couples counseling? You two should try to work it out if at all possible, at least for Gina’s sake.”

“Yeah.” Jackie nodded. “I thought of that. I’ll mention it to him and see.”

The following day when Tony phoned, Jackie suggested couples counseling and he consented. But the dynamics had changed. When Tony came to visit on Sunday, he and Gina spent hours playing in her bedroom. Gina’s requests were Tony’s commands. She had him reading to her for hours while she leaned against him, enthralled by his animation. Or they completed puzzles or colored the afternoon away. Jackie spent the afternoon listening to old records in the living room.

October 1981

Tara, I don’t get it! He agreed to go to counseling. He’s fine with Gina. But something’s different. I can’t explain it. It’s like he’s got a new girlfriend or worse yet, he’s gone back to Carmella. He’s so distant, cold like he was when he was with her.”

“That’s crazy, Jackie. You must be feeling weird because there are boundaries. Remember, you’ve never been the one to set the limits in the relationship. That’s always been his department. He’s nursing a bruised ego. He’ll deal with it in therapy. Everything will be fine.”

“Maybe. A friend at work recommended a couples’ therapist. We have an appointment November 15. That’s longer than I wanted to wait, but the soonest available.”

“What was Tony’s reaction when you said you had an appointment?”

“He said ‘fine.’ He uses one-syllable words around me now. I’m telling you Tara. I’ve got this sneaking suspicion he’s back with that bitch. He’s different with her. She turns him into a callous bastard, more than he’s capable of on his own.”

November 1981

M
onday night, Tony called. “Jackie we need to talk. I’ll stop by at eight tonight?”

“Okay, eight is fine.”

*

A fidgeting Tony sat on the couch. “Jackie … I don’t …”

On the other side of the room, she sat in her chair knowing what he was about to say. She watched him squirm. With arms folded and legs crossed, she glared at him.

“Jackie, well
…
I
…
” He cleared this throat. “Carmella and I are back together.” He braced for an assault. After a second, Jackie threw her head back and laughed until she was breathless.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” she managed to mutter between gasps for breath. “It’s that … I knew it …” She burst into laughter again. “Ooh
…
” She held her aching abs, trying to muffle her laughter. “Oh my God, you called her a ‘psycho’!” She broke into another fit of laughter.

Humiliated by Jackie’s reaction, he said, “She’s changed.”

“Oh really? Was it through long-term therapy or a lobotomy?” She burst into laughter that brought tears to her eyes.

“Very funny.” Tony squirmed in his seat, then leaned forward as if to control the conversation.

“Ooh ...” She wiped her eyes and stopped laughing. “Oh I know, she woke up one day and decided that psycho-hood wasn’t for her anymore. That’s it, right?”

“No. I’m telling you, she’s changed.”

“I hate to disappoint you, but that’s not the way it goes. She hesitated, remaining amused by the news and astounded by her intuition. “So, did you call her because she’s easier to deal with than I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact, she called me.”

“Out of nowhere? How convenient for you.

“It wasn’t out of nowhere. Remember that carnival? I saw her sister there. I knew she’d break a leg getting back to Carmella to tell her she saw us together. And, I knew Carmella wouldn’t be happy. She called me and we decided to work things out.”

“Impressive. What did she say when you told her you’re seeing Gina?”

“She respects me more as a man.”

Jackie shook her head and chuckled. “She’s a freaking piece of work.”

“That’s it. I’m not discussing her with you anymore.”

“Fine, it’s nauseating anyway. If you want to deal with her, that’s your prerogative. It makes no difference to me.” No sooner had she spoken the words than she noticed the look on Tony’s face and knew what was coming. She beat him to the punch. “Oh
please
don’t tell me that you and Carmella plan to go out as a family with my kid?”

“Well, she wants us to take Gina next Sunday.”

“You’re out of your freaking mind. Just a few months ago,
you
told me she’s a psycho. Now you want me to let Gina get involved in your sick relationship? If you think that’ll happen, you’re as crazy as your lunatic girlfriend.”

“She won’t hurt Gina. She’s a nurse, for God’s sake.”

“Big deal. Some cops beat their wives. And some nurses are psycho. Her profession tells me absolutely nothing. But
you
told me. Now you want to change your story and I’m supposed to believe you? Uh-uh. I’m having a hard enough time trusting
you
with Gina, never mind trusting her!” She took a deep breath and tried to regain control. “Tony, you can see Gina. It’s your legal right. But for now, why don’t you take Gina to your parents’ house and enjoy her there?”

Tony leaned forward. “Jackie, Carmella and I are back together. If Gina’s a part of my life, she’s got to be part of Carmella’s.”