Once Broken (29 page)

“You’re
my
husband. You don’t owe
her
any promises. You owe
me
promises. Fuck her! I’m not taking this shit!”

“Well, don’t take it. I expected another tantrum and that’s why I’m at my parents’ house. Frankly it doesn’t matter. I’m staying here at least until you calm down. And I’m keeping my promise to Jackie. Whether it gets in the way of our marriage is entirely up to you. All I know is I’m done with the madness. My head’s pounding and I need sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He headed for the house.

Carmella watched her husband walk away. “Fuck you! You can’t do this! Fuck you!” He shut and locked the door. Screeching tires disrupted the upscale neighborhood’s usual peacefulness.

*

Jackie craved solitude. Who would understand something she couldn’t understand? After so much time, so much anger, and years of disgust, somewhere in her heart was a soft spot for Tony that would never harden. She remembered the special times they shared. She fantasized having dinner with him, for old time’s sake.
How this can be? How can one person feel such contradictory feelings for another person?

Tony pondered the same questions on the other side of town.

October 1994

C
armella fell onto their king-size bed and bawled herself to sleep. In the morning, she fumed and schemed. She realized how rare it was for Tony to assert himself, so she reconciled that this time she’d have to play by his rules.
I’m not losing him to Jackie now! Damn that Jackie Martin!

*

On the third night, Carmella practiced her conciliatory tone of voice while she sipped her fourth glass of wine. Once her rage was camouflaged, she phoned him.

“Hi honey, it’s me. Listen, before you say anything. I’ve been doing some thinking in this lonely apartment. And, you’re right. We spend too much time talking and worrying about Jackie, and not enough time thinking about us and our marriage. I agree that this needs to stop. I miss you. Will you
please
come home to me?”

“That’s nice Carmella, but I’m not ready.” Tony was relieved by his wife’s composure.

“Please come home, baby. I need you. We’ll start over.”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“Oh baby, I need you tonight. I need you to make love to me.”

“Tomorrow, Carmella.”

“Okay honey, I understand. All that matters is that you feel better. Please know that I love you with all my heart.”

*

Tony lit the fire in the den and contemplated his horrendous situation.
I know Carmella loves me. She takes good care of me
. He paced before the patio door, the crackling fire resounding in the room.
Even if Jackie came back to me, and that’s an enormous if, I could never be as strong as she is. Nor can I admit that I’m not. I love her, even after all these years. She thrills me. She scares me. And Gina, how can I possibly make up for all those years of abandonment?
He sighed and stared at the meticulously landscaped backyard with its budding signs of spring.
If I know all this, why do I feel this overwhelming compulsion to go to Jackie and pretend our past doesn’t exist?
He shook off his reflection as if the spell had been broken.
Jackie is too far in the past. And I’ve missed nearly all of Gina’s sixteen years. Carmella is crazy for sure, but I can handle her. I’ll set new rules
. He shook his head.
I’m married to Carmella. For the first time in my life, I’m going to live up to a commitment I’ve made. There’s no turning back.

The following morning Tony returned to Carmella. They sat across from each other at the kitchenette table and Tony set new rules. “Carmella, I’m back because I married you. However, there are three conditions you must accept. First, there’ll be no more legal actions. I’ll deal with any support issues directly with Jackie. Jackie and I will cooperate with each other with Gina’s best interest at heart without any interference from you. Second, there’ll be no more referring to Jackie as “that bitch” or to Gina as “that tramp’s kid” or any other derogatory term. You’ll show respect for them. Third, if you throw one more plate or other household item, whether or not it’s headed in my direction, I’m out of here. Do we understand each other?”

“Whatever you want, sweetie. I’ll do anything. I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you so much.”

With new ground rules set, the couple consummated their reconciliation.

May 1995

Jackie and Margie met for cocktails after work and discussed Gina’s impending high school graduation. “It’s strange,” Jackie said. “Suddenly this one event—graduation—changes everything. Next year this beautiful person who’s been the center of my life for eighteen years won’t be there every day. I won’t have to wait for her to get home before I lock up the house. I won’t have to wonder if she set her alarm and got up on time in the morning. I know she’ll come home, but it’ll be a visit. That’s not the same. On the other hand, I’m so proud. I’ve taken this beautiful bird as far as I can and now it’s time for her to fly.”

“I know. Laura’s a junior this year. I’m dreading it already. Where’s Gina going to college?”

“Bentley. It’s close, so we’ll see each other a lot. But she’s living there. And she’ll have her own life, become independent. I know it’s good for her.

“Sure, but as a mom, I get it. So, how was the prom?”

“You saw the pictures right? She was so beautiful and had loads of fun. She went with this guy Brad, her friend’s cousin. They had a few dates before the prom. He’s super smart and handsome, if you ask me. But she says he’s too full of himself. She couldn’t stand him.” Jackie smiled. “She had committed to go to the prom with him, so she went. I thought she’d have a miserable time. But apparently she had a great time. Brad called her a few days later, wanting to know where their relationship was going. She said, get this, ‘it went to the prom and that’s where it’s staying.’” The women laughed.

“She’s always been pretty funny.”

Jackie sipped her wine. “I love that girl. Don’t know what I’d do without her.”

September 1997

Two years passed. Tony kept his commitment to Carmella. Yet, despite his attempt to revive their marriage, Tony resented Carmella with his entire being and blamed her as the catalyst for his abandonment of Gina. He became sickened by the sight of his wife. In her reflection, he saw only his shame. His frustration was exasperated by his mother’s updates on Jackie and Gina. He wished and prayed that Jackie would need
something
from him. He fantasized that he would call her and what they would say to each other. But Jackie needed nothing. In his early 40s, Tony had a lifetime of regrets.

October 1998

With Gina in her third year of college, Jackie was amazed by their relationship. Gina was her best friend, her daughter, and sometimes even her mother, all rolled into one beautiful person. Jackie was so proud of the life Gina was building for herself and the choices she was making. She had a wonderful group of grade school and college friends. She’d dated a few guys, but fell in love with John Baker. John, two years her senior, was a tall, blond, blue-eyed Irishman who adored her in return. The couple met at college when Gina was a freshman. The attraction was immediate and they were an item since that day.

Jackie was enjoying her own independence. She had her work, close friends, exercise classes, a book club, and a social circle of single women who organized weekend trips and other events. She was content. She had not spoken to Tony since the modification hearing. When he came up in conversation, she’d briefly wonder how he managed to live with his life choices. But the time and space between them made it feel like another lifetime.

April 2000

By their seventh year of marriage, Carmella’s insatiable craving for love and security remained unsatisfied. Tony’s distance infuriated her. Her seductive wiles no longer worked their magic. Being childless intensified her anger and instability. She had hoped a child would provide the means necessary to bury Gina and Jackie in Tony’s past. Instead, she saw them daily in the reflection of Tony’s eyes. She knew that if she unleashed her blazing fury and obsessive hatred of Jackie, she’d further alienate her husband or lose him, but her repressed rage sent her further into her own insanity. She dreamed of beating Jackie or torturing her, and sometimes strangling her. In her waking hours, she calculated ways to kill Jackie without anyone knowing who did it.

*

One Friday night, Jackie came home from work and spotted a long-stemmed black rose on her doorstep. She was reminded of a client with three kids she recently helped get into a women’s shelter. She recalled the face of the abusive husband and how the darkness in his eyes had sent shivers down her spine. She shuddered.
It can’t be.
She shook it off. Gina was home for the weekend and she couldn’t wait to see her.

“Hey, honey. I’m home! What’s cooking?”

“Swordfish. It was on sale.” Gina was on the deck.

“Sounds great and smells even better. I’m gonna change. Pour us some wine, will ya?”

“I’m way ahead of you, Mom.” Gina took a sip of her wine before she flipped the fish.

Jackie ran downstairs wearing sweats.

“You had another hang up, Mom. You’ve been getting a lot of them lately, huh?”

“Yeah, three just last night. It’s been going on a few months, off and on.”

Gina frowned. “Should we be worried?”

“Nah, I don’t think so.

Later, at the table, Gina became serious. “I don’t know, Mom, some of your clients’ husbands are wackos!”

“I thought of that myself. Where’s my wine? This conversation’s giving me the heebie-geebies.” Jackie took the glass of wine from Gina.

“Mom, you should report this to the police.”

“Maybe.” Jackie thought about it. “I’ve been getting the creeps lately. Tonight I found another long-stemmed black rose on the front steps.”

“Another? What do you mean,
another
?”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? There was one a few weeks ago.”

“That’s bizarre. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that.”

“Well, I must’ve been distracted by something else.”

“What the heck does a long-stemmed black rose look like?”

“Like a red one, but black. I’ll get the one from tonight. I threw it in the trash.”

“I’m going with you.” Gina scuttled behind her mother hooking her hand into her arm. “I’m
completely
spooked.”

*

In the morning, Gina knocked on Jackie’s bedroom door. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Jackie said, as she sat up and stretched.

Gina sat on her mother’s bed, one leg under her. “Hey, I’m going to the Burlington Mall today to find a dress for the senior dance. Krissy was supposed to come but she texted that she’s gotta work. Want to come with me?”

“I’d love to. Make me a cup of coffee, will ya? I’ll be right down.”

*

On the way to the mall, Gina told her mother about the senior dance and how much she was looking forward to going with John. They scoured the mall for hours and inspected what seemed like every formal gown before they found the right one. Gina stepped out of the dressing room and Jackie gasped at the sight of her stunning daughter.

“Honey, you look fabulous. Royal blue is your color. It brings out those gorgeous blue eyes. And against your shiny dark hair. Oh my.” She clasped her hands together.

Gina posed and twisted before the three-way mirror. The royal-blue beaded chiffon gown featured a crystal-embellished bodice with a keyhole opening and a floor-length skirt. “It looks pretty good, doesn’t it?” She examined herself once more from every angle. “Okay, it’s mine!”

*

As they walked to their car, Gina discussed how to wear her hair. “John likes it long and flowing.”

“But when it’s up, your eyes pop, and with that blue dress—”

Tires screeched around the corner. Gina pushed her mother out of the path of the car racing toward them. Dazed by the smack against a parked car, Jackie got up to see Gina lying in the road as the car sped away.

“Gina! Oh my God, Gina!” Jackie screamed. Cradling her in her arms, she screamed to the gathering crowd. “Someone call an ambulance!”

A rotund man gnawing on a cigar got out of a parked car and hurried over to them. “Jesus Christ! Is she alright? I called an ambulance from my cell.”

“Thank you.” She turned to comfort her daughter. “An ambulance is coming, honey. You’ll be okay. You have to be okay!” Jackie rocked back and forth, stroking her daughter’s head. Sirens got louder. “Hurry!” she screamed.

“Lady, I got the license plate number,” the rotund stranger informed her. “I saw the whole damned thing. It didn’t look like an accident to me.”

Jackie looked up in bewilderment, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You don’t think it was an accident?” She was comforted by the sight of the ambulance and police.

“No ma’am. The way that car sped up and the way it sped away? No, ma’am. That was no accident.”

A crowd had gathered. “Anything I can do? Is she okay?”

An officer addressed the crowd. “Stand back. Nothing to see here.” The paramedics attended to Gina, while another officer talked to Jackie.

“She’s unconscious. Injuries could be serious. We’ve got to get her to MGH as soon as possible,” the paramedic said as he and his partner put Gina on the gurney. They asked Jackie if she wanted to ride to the hospital with her daughter and she told then yes.

The officer intervened. “We’d like to talk to you before you go. Could you have someone else meet her at the hospital and we’ll drive you up there as soon as possible?”

“Okay
…
but
…
”

“It won’t take long.”

“Honey, I’ll be at the hospital as soon as I can. I’ll call John.” She kissed her daughter’s forehead and watched as Gina was lifted into the ambulance that sped away with the siren blaring.

“You’re the victim’s mother?” the officer asked. Jackie nodded. “This is my partner, Officer Fuller,” the male officer said, pointing to a woman with short blond hair.

“I’m Officer Stanton. We’ll talk to a few witnesses while you make your phone call.”