Once Burned (Firehouse Fourteen Book 1) (20 page)

Nick sat at his desk, holding his head in his hands as he stared at absolutely nothing. Not the reports scattered in front of him, not the ring of condensation forming under his water bottle, not the scratched surface marred from years of use.

He only wished his mind was as unseeing as his eyes as he questioned, for about the millionth time, the wisdom of the last time he had seen Kayla.

He let out a deep sigh and ran his hands down his face. Even that wasn't enough to erase the memory of the look on Kayla's face when he had stupidly told her he loved her. Surprise. Disbelief.

Horror.

What the hell had he been thinking?

Well, he hadn't been. That was the problem.

He still didn't know what had possessed him to go over to her house that night. And not just go over. No, he had sat outside for over an hour, feeling like a stalker as he debated the wisdom of knocking on her door, arguing with himself over the pros and cons.

When the kitchen light had come on, he had taken it as a sign. She was awake, maybe she wouldn't mind some company. At least, that was what he tried telling himself.

He still didn't know why he had gone over there, but it sure as hell hadn't been to take her right there, right up against her front door, minutes after she let him. That hadn't been his intention. He hadn't even remotely considered the possibility of making love to her when he had gone over there.

But he had.

She hadn't stopped him, hadn't asked him to leave. Hadn't pushed him away. And then she exploded around him and screamed his name, her voice as flush and heated as her body.

He shook his head at the image, trying to banish it from his mind, but it was too late. His body was already reacting to the memory. Nick shifted in the hard chair and reached for the water bottle, not knowing if it would be better to take a long swallow or spill it in his lap.

No, he hadn't planned on taking her against the door like that, but he didn't regret it. He would never regret a single second, no matter how fleeting, he shared with Kayla.

His regret was not keeping his mouth shut afterwards.

He closed his eyes and sighed at the memory of Kayla's face. Her eyes widened, a look of horror banishing the warm flush on her skin, leaving it pale. Her mouth snapped closed and he saw the panic overtake her, knew it was happening probably before she even did. Her body stiffened against his as she dropped her legs from their hold around his waist and pushed against him. For a second he had thought he could just hold onto her, apologize and pretend she misunderstood.

But he couldn't. She didn't misunderstand, and he wouldn't take it back. He wouldn't lie to her, and he was through lying to himself.

He loved her. Looking back, he doubted if he had ever stopped.

So no, he wasn't going to lie, not to either one of them. But Kayla didn't want to hear it, that much was obvious. She pushed against him again and stepped away, quickly grabbing her oversize night shirt and pulling it over head. She had remained silent, just watching as he quickly pulled on his own clothes, her mouth a grim line, her arms crossed tightly in front of her.

He didn't need to be fluent in body language to understand what she was trying to say. And yet he still tried talking to her, thought that maybe they could sit down and try to talk things through.

That was when she had asked him to leave, that look of panic-stricken horror still clear in her eyes.

He hadn't seen or spoken to her since.

And now it was time for the big presentation and once again he questioned the wisdom of what he was about to do. He didn't need a shrink to analyze his intentions—he was more than qualified to self-analyze on this one.

And yet he still doubted himself, knowing that a million and one things could go wrong—and only one thing could go right. He had weighed the pros and cons, approached the idea with intelligence and yes, even hope. He wasn't stupid—far from it.

It all came down to whether or not he thought the payout was worth the risk. Just over three months had gone by, more than enough time for him to realize what he wanted. And more than enough time for him to realize that he was, quite possibly, playing a losing game.

It didn't matter. The payout was worth the risk. He didn't even have to stop to think about that part.

He rubbed his hands over his face once more then looked down at the stack of pictures in front of him. Graphic, brutal. He had once told Kayla he didn't want to use them because they were
too
graphic,
too
brutal. Stark in their realism. His excuse had been that they were too inappropriate for the students.

But he could be honest enough with himself now to recognize that for the lie it was. They were too graphic for
him
. The memories they brought back were still too raw, even after all this time.

He was through lying to himself.

Nick pushed himself out of the chair and grabbed the photos before walking out of the room. He was ready for the truth.

He only hoped Kayla was there so he could share it with her.

***

"You're all set. Is there anything else you need?"

Jay stopped playing with the projector and turned to look at her, his nervousness etched on his face. He cleared his throat and shook his head, trying to offer her a small smile. Mike looked at him, one brow raised in question. She didn't understand why he was so nervous.

"You'll be fine, don't worry."

"Yeah, I know." He wiped his hand down his pants leg and glanced around the stage again. Mike followed his gaze and had to admit that she was impressed with what he had accomplished.

The twisted wreckage of what had once been a compact car sat off to one side, the harsh stage lights reflecting off the torn metal. The windshield, shattered and twisted, rested haphazardly on what used to be the hood of the car. Clumps of bloodied hair stuck in one crack of the windshield, framed by a splattering of even more blood. A body hung halfway out of the car, its face unrecognizable, a pool of blood congealed on the floor under it.

It was all staged, of course. The car was nothing more than a prop, easily carried in pieces and quickly reassembled to resemble the realistic remains of a bad accident. The blood was nothing more than a hardened gel, easily removed by peeling it off the floor like a strip of plastic. The body was merely the top half of an old mannequin, one who had definitely seen better days. Kayla walked over and adjusted the dummy's position just a bit, then stood back and studied the wreck.

"Poor Annie has definitely seen better days," she mumbled before turning back to Jay. He was looking at the wreck, a frown creasing his forehead. He raised one hand and motioned behind him. Stage lights winked off, plunging the corner in darkness and effectively limiting view of the wreck.

Mike walked to the side of the stage and quickly descended the steps to stand next to Jay. He still looked worried, so she reached out and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Relax, this'll be fine."

"Yeah." He let out a deep breath and looked around him. "Yeah, I guess."

"Stop worrying, okay? You got the principal's permission, so it's not like you're going to be sent to the office." Mike walked over and grabbed her jacket from the front row seat then shrugged into it. She had expected at least a small smile at her joke. Instead, Jay fixed her with a look of panic in his eyes.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving."

"What do you mean, you're leaving? You can't leave!"

Mike grabbed the hair at the back of her neck and twisted it, pulling it from under the jacket collar. "Jay, I can't stay. I can't see Nick right now, alright?"

"But you have to stay. You're supposed to review this whole thing and sign off, remember?"

Mike blew out her breath and gave Jay a quick look of impatience before facing the rear of the auditorium. They were the only two people there, but she still stepped closer to Jay and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Jay, you don't need to worry about me signing off, everything is already taken care of. I told you that. And I told you the other day I can't stay, and you know why."

"What? Because he told you he loved you? So what. Big deal."

"It is a big deal. And keep your voice down."

"You're being ridiculous, Mikey. I mean, the guy loves you. Why is that such a bad thing?"

"Because it is."

"Why?"

"Because it just is, okay? Can you just drop it?" Mike looked around them again, afraid that somebody may have come in and heard them.

"No, I'm not going to drop it. All you've done for the last two weeks is walk around in a daze, or walk around looking all panicky. Either admit you love him, or just tell him to get lost."

"You're insane. I don't love him." Sour bile congealed in the pit of her stomach at the words, but she swallowed and met Jay's gaze straight on. She wasn't ready to admit to anything, to even think about any of it. And she certainly didn't want to discuss her feelings about Nick with anyone. Not even Jay.

"The only one you're fooling is yourself, Mikey, so get over it. And you are not leaving. You can't."

"And why is that?"

"Because we're buddies and I need you so you can't leave."

"For crying out loud. Dammit Jay, you have got to be kidding me. You're really going to play that card?"

"Absolutely." Jay fixed her with a steady gaze, his gray eyes boring into hers for a long minute until she finally looked away.

"Dammit," she muttered again. But it was merely for show. She couldn't abandon Jay, not after telling her he needed her. No, she didn't believe him, not really. But she couldn’t tell him that. "Dammit, you so owe me for this one, Moore."

He gave her a quick smile and patted her on the shoulder, like he was congratulating her for passing a test or something. She clenched her jaw and shot him a look that said she knew she had been played, then shrugged out of her jacket.

"Fine, I'll stay. That doesn't mean I'm sitting up here. If you need me, I'll be in the back row."

Nick stood off to the side of the stage, watching as the senior class drifted into the aging auditorium. Their laughter echoed around him, the sound tinged with excitement. And why wouldn't they be excited? As far as they were concerned, they were being excused for whatever class they had scheduled for this period. Knowing they were about to be subjected to a lecture on a subject they cared little about did nothing to diminish that excitement.

And why would it? They were teenagers, carefree, worry-free.

Invincible.

Nick wished he could share that excitement. Instead, he took a deep breath and reached up for his tie, nothing more than a nervous habit. His hand came up empty before he remembered he wasn't wearing a tie. Today was faculty casual day, so he was wearing faded jeans and a long sleeve Henley shirt. He had dressed this morning with an eye to comfort, thinking that being dressed more comfortably would ease any nervousness he might feel.

He had been wrong.

Nick took another deep breath then stepped closer to Jay.

"Where did you say Kayla was sitting?"

Jay looked up from his notes and narrowed his eyes as he searched the growing crowd. He finally motioned with a nod of his head. "About three quarters of the way up. Aisle seat on your right heading out."

Nick stepped forward and moved his head in the direction Jay had indicated, his eyes searching for Kayla. Sure enough, there she was, slouched down in the aisle seat, looking like this was the last place she wanted to be.

He felt the same way.

"So let's go over it one more time, make sure I don't mess this up for you." Jay put his notes down and fixed Nick with a steady look.

"We'll let everyone get settled then I go do my thing, warm them up. Then I do my talk and see what happens."

"You sure you know what you're doing?" The expression on Jay's face was worried, unconvinced—an exact echo of what Nick was feeling. The thought went through his mind once more that a million things could go wrong with this, and probably would.

"Not really, no."

"And you're sure you're okay with the stage set?"

Nick nodded, even though he wasn't sure, not really. He hadn't even looked at the set-up, had no desire to look at it. For that, he was completely trusting Jay. He just hoped to hell he was doing the right thing.

"Okay. If something happens and you change your mind, just give me some kind of signal or something and I'll go straight into the presentation."

"I won't change my mind."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure." Of that, Nick was absolutely certain. This probably wasn't one of his best ideas, and he was more certain than ever that something—a lot of things—would go wrong. But his mind was made up and there was no turning back.

He took another deep breath and nodded at Jay, then casually walked out in front of the stage. His head turned from side to side, watching the students as they took their seats and settled in. A few of them called out greetings, or made remarks about getting out of class. The mood was still light, the underlying excitement still humming in the air around them.

Nick walked back and forth, trying to calm his nerves as he said a word here and there to a few students. He knew he was smiling, felt it on his face, but it was nothing more than show, a mask to hide his nervousness.

He took another deep breath as the last few stragglers took their seats, his eyes searching out Kayla. She was still slouched down in her seat, her arms crossed in front of her, watching him with an unreadable expression. He smiled at her and felt an instant's gratification when she shifted, sitting straighter and not looking quite so bored.

One last deep breath, and it was show time. He could do this with no problem, he thought. It shouldn't be any different than each weekend when he was up on stage.

Except he didn't have quite so much to lose then as he did now.

Nick pushed that thought from his mind then stepped toward the audience, holding his arms up to get their attention. "Alright everyone, settle down."

A minute went by before the conversations and laughter drifted off to a manageable silence. Nick knew he didn't have everyone's attention, not yet.

That would change.

"Okay, so who can tell me why we're here?" Nick didn't wait to call on anyone, just motioned for people to call out. He let the crowd have their way for a minute, then motioned for silence again.

"Exactly. For the next hour, we're going to learn about drinking and driving." Nick looked down at the rolled papers in his hand, noticed he was absently playing with them. With a mental shake, he flattened the roll and stuffed it into his back pocket. He didn't need notes for this.

"Show of hands. Who plans on going out and having fun this weekend?" Nearly all the hands in the room went up, and Nick included himself, which drew a few laughs. "Hey, teachers need a break, too. So yeah, a lot of us will be having fun. Of course, I'd be surprised if anyone here said no."

His gaze drifted back to Kayla and he was heartened to see a small smile lift the corners of her mouth. "Next question: how many of you here plan on drinking when you go out?"

All hands went down and a few snickers burst from the crowd.

"No fair, Mr. L. You know we're not old enough to drink."

"Touché, Sam, touché." Nick grinned at the athlete and received a smile in return. "So yeah, in a perfect world, none of you drink."

From somewhere in the back came a forced sneeze that suspiciously sounded like "bullshit". Nick glanced toward the back and shook his head. "It's nice to see some things haven't changed since I was in high school. But yeah, let's all just agree that this isn't a perfect world, and that nobody is going to buy the bull that nobody here drinks. Will that work?"

More laughter. Nick smiled, gratified that the students felt comfortable enough with him to relax. "So yeah, we know people drink. And if you're underage, well. That's between you, your parents, and quite possibly the police. But that's not what we're here for."

Nick turned and walked the few steps back to the stage, motioning for Jay to join him. "Some of you have already had this presentation and met Jay Moore, along with his partner Kayla Donaldson. And like anyone who's sat in that class will tell you, they're not here to talk about drinking. What they
are
here for, is to talk about drinking and driving."

Nick nodded at Jay, who took a step closer to the stage. He turned back to face the crowd, noticing the slight discomfort settling over the room. He shook his head and gave a small laugh. "And already I'm losing you. Don't worry guys, we're not here to lecture you. Honest."

Nick offered a reassuring smile to the crowd, going out of his way to make eye contact with as many students as he could. "So, why don't we drink and drive? Anyone?"

As Nick expected, long seconds went by before one small voice hesitantly offered an answer, followed by another and another until more students were shouting, not worrying if they were repeating answers or not. Nick let the shouting continue for a few minutes then held up his hand to quiet everyone.

"All good answers. But I'm not surprised. I mean, everyone knows you shouldn't drink and drive, right?" He looked around, slowly letting the smile die on his face. He glanced up the aisle to see Kayla sitting there, watching him. "Yeah, we know. But the reality is a little different."

Nick turned his head and nodded at Jay. The man looked at him for a long minute, as if asking if he was sure. Nick nodded again, and Jay raised his toward the back, signaling.

The lights in the auditorium dimmed, throwing the room into near darkness. From the back came the sound of music playing, a generic rock song overlaid with people talking and laughing. Nick closed his eyes, watching a scene play itself out in his memory in time with the soundtrack that surrounded them.

Laughter. Talking.

Music.

The heart-stopping squeal of brakes and rubber squealing.

A split-second pause.

The jarring impact of metal against metal, screeching, tearing. A scream, fading into the backdrop of noise.

Silence. Dead silence.

This isn't real. This isn't real. It’s staged. It's only a memory. This isn't real.

Nick took a deep breath and forced his jaw to relax, forced his fists to unclench. He opened his eyes and jammed his shaking hands into his pockets then turned to face the stage. Theatrical lighting was now focused on the tableau off to the side, bathing it an eerie light that only lent more reality to the morbid scene in front of them.

This isn't real. Get it together.

Nick took another deep breath and faced the crowd, unsurprised by the silence and looks of horror etched on most of the faces. But he couldn't look at Kayla. Not yet.

My God, Kayla, I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

The silence stretched around them, almost unbearable. Off to the side, he heard someone sniffle, a small sound in the stillness. Behind him, he heard Jay shuffle, heard him call his name in a voice just under a whisper. Nick nodded and waved with one shaking hand, letting him know he was alright.

He took another deep breath and let it out slowly, his gaze taking in the shocked faces around him.

"A friend of mine told me that teenagers think they're invincible, that they're immortal. They think something like this can never happen to them." Nick didn't turn around to look, didn't need to. He knew Jay was projecting pictures on the screen, awful graphic pictures of real accidents.

Real consequences.

"I'm here to tell you that you're not immortal. That you're not invincible. And if you think it can't happen to you, you're wrong." His voice was louder now, increasing in volume, thick with emotion he could no longer hide. He cleared his throat and looked around, knowing without really seeing that he had everyone's attention now.

Everyone's, including Kayla. He took a deep breath and moved up the aisle, not stopping until he was ten feet away from her. His eyes held hers with sheer force of determination, not letting her look away.

"If you think it can't happen to you, you're wrong," he repeated, his voice carrying through the entire auditorium. "Because it can, and it will. I know, because it happened to me."

The silence continued, charged with awareness and expectation. The tension rolled over him in waves and Nick couldn't tell if it was his own—or if it was coming from the crowd. He didn't care. His focus now was for Kayla, only Kayla.

"Ten years ago, I was out partying. I was invincible, and knew that nothing bad would ever happen. I had someone with me that night, someone very special. Someone I loved. I walked away. She didn't." Kayla was looking up at him, her eyes wide and filled with tears as she shook her head, mouthing
no
in his direction.

He didn't look away, just kept his focus on Kayla for long minutes as his revelation hit home to the crowd in the auditorium. Nick didn't know how much time had passed before Kayla gave her head a final shake and closed her eyes, breaking the trance that had wrapped around just the two of them.

He clenched his fists and turned around, walking back toward the stage, speaking as he went.

"Ten years ago, two lives were changed forever because of something
I
did, because I thought I was invincible. And to this day, I haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever can."

Nick nodded at Jay, his cue to take over, then turned back to the crowd.

Kayla was gone.