One Day at a Time (Starting Over Series Book 4) (20 page)

When her back connected with the seat of the couch his hands tugged at the tie of her dress. His lips left hers as he peeled each side of the dress back. It felt like he was unwrapping her like a present. His hands kneaded her breasts before they slid down her sides and then pulled her panties down her legs. He was in the way of easily getting them off, so he grabbed both sides and tugged, hard. The sound of the material ripping made her gasp. Her hips arched off of the couch as he plunged two fingers inside of her sheath.

She pulled his lips down to hers, attacking them with a hunger that only he brought out in her. His tongue thrust in her mouth at the same pace as his fingers inside of her. She felt his fingers slowly drag out of her, swirling around her clit.

“My baby’s so wet for me,” he whispered against her ear, causing goose bumps to pop up all over her skin.

“Don’t make me wait,” she moaned. She unbuttoned his shirt to the distinctive sound of him unbuckling his belt and sliding his zipper down. Feeling the head of his cock at her entrance she only had a second before he thrust deep inside her. She cried out as she gripped his shoulders.

“Oh baby, you feel so amazing.” With his cock digging deep she could feel the twinge of pain as he hit her cervix. The material of his pants rubbed against the insides of her upper thighs. He nipped at her earlobe and the multiple sensations triggered a powerful orgasm that ripped through her body. She knew her nails were digging into his skin but she couldn’t stop. He began to power into her with punishing strokes. He grabbed her legs and threw them over his shoulders. As it triggered another orgasm she felt him swell inside of her and then the warm blast of his come.

“Cash, you forgot a condom!” He pulled out and she felt the warm sticky fluid hit her stomach.

He rested his forehead against her chest. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what I was thinking.” They both stayed in that spot until finally Cash got up, telling her to stay right there. He returned with a warm washcloth and cleaned her up. Once it was done he pulled her off of the couch. She went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and then went into his bedroom. The sight before her melted her heart. Cash was asleep already both arms shoved under his pillow and his face finally looked relaxed.

Tessa quietly climbed into bed with him and shut off the light. Sliding her arm around his waist, she snuggled into him and let sleep take her under.

***

Once Cash was sure Tessa was asleep he slowly slipped out of bed. It was hard as hell to pretend to be asleep, but he couldn’t sleep and didn’t want her worrying about him. He felt like he was losing his mind. In the past week so much had happened and he wasn’t dealing with it well. He knew it, and he knew it was hurting Tessa. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes and went to sit outside, which was where he’d been spending more and more time lately. He knew what he needed to do and it caused an ache deep in his chest. Did he want to break things off with her?

No, he didn’t, but she deserved better than him.

He couldn’t stomach the idea that he could relapse and hurt her the way Sam hurt Loni and their kids. He raked a hand through his hair—he fucking came inside of her. He knew she was on birth control since him. He didn’t know if he even wanted to have kids. He’d already lost one child due to his addiction, and seeing the devastation of Sam’s kids reaffirmed that he couldn’t handle putting another innocent child through that kind of trauma. He just hoped that it hadn’t been the right time in her cycle to get her pregnant. He should run to a twenty-four-hour pharmacy and get the Plan B pill and make her take it.

Maybe he should call Jared before he made any decisions, but it didn’t matter. He needed to do this before he messed up and destroyed her. He snuffed out his cigarette, and with a heavy heart, went inside.

She looked like an angel as she slept. Her blonde hair fanned out across her pillow, her soft pink lips swollen and slightly parted. Pulling the blanket down made him smile because even though she was tall his shirts still hung off of her like she was tiny. Since they’d been together she’d put on some weight, he loved her slender body, but the curves that were starting to appear were gorgeous. He’d bet all the money he had that she’d make a gorgeous pregnant woman. It just hurt like hell that he couldn’t be the right man for her.

Brushing her hair out of her face, he bent down and kissed her forehead. She sighed and burrowed deeper into his bed. “I love you, baby. Always.” He whispered and then got up, making his way into the living room. Tomorrow was going to suck. Grabbing his laptop, he decided he might as well do some work because he wasn’t going to be able to sleep.

Chapter Thirteen

Cash could hear Tessa tinkering around in the bathroom and his heart was racing. It was almost go time. He’d been up all night, smoked almost a full pack of cigarettes, and drank a pot of coffee. He took a shower about an hour ago because he smelled like a dirty ashtray. His girl was exhausted—she didn’t even stir when he was in there grabbing clothes. Daisy must’ve been able to sense his stress because she was constantly following him wherever he went.

As Tessa’s footsteps got closer he took a deep breath. He felt her arms wind around his neck, “Good morning.”

“Good morning, sweetheart. Why don’t you come sit? I’ll get you a cup of coffee. There’s something I need to talk to you about.” She came around and sat next to him. He kissed her and then stood up to get her coffee. If he were being completely honest he just needed more time. Her beauty was distracting and he needed to stay focused.

She accepted the cup he offered her when he came back in the room and she tucked her legs under her. “What did you want to talk about? Is everything okay?”

He took her hands. “I don’t really know how to say this, but after a lot of thinking last night, I think we should take a break.” There he said it. He hoped she just accepted it. He didn’t want to bring out the big guns.

At first she looked at him in confusion but then began to smile. “Ha-ha, Cash. That’s not even funny.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I’m not trying to be funny. I’m serious, I think it’s better if we break up.” He held on to her hands, hating that she tried to wrench free. “Trust me, this is a good thing. You’ll see, and then you’ll meet some nice, safe man who will take care of you.”

“I don’t understand where this is coming from. What’s changed since yesterday? Cash, you made love to me without a condom last night. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“That was a mistake on my part. You should probably go get that morning after pill.” He cringed at the disgusted look she gave him. “Trust me, it’s for the best. I’ve already lost one child and I’m not going through that again. Do you want to know why I lost my daughter? Why my sister is raising her? I fucked up, Tessa. I fucked up bad enough that they took my little girl from me.”

His heart ached because Tessa was already crying. He hoped that she was strong enough not to let this break her. “Kara, she was Abby’s mom, and I were bad for each other from the start. We were both addicts who seemed to feed each other’s addictive personalities. We dated on and off, nothing serious until she showed up nine months pregnant with Abby. We both stayed clean that first year, but Kara brought home a little heroin to celebrate her new job. I tried to say no, but the craving became too much to bear. After that we’d usually wait to use until Abby was asleep, but when she was two I came home from the gas station I worked at and caught Kara shooting up with Abby sitting on the floor next to her.”

“I was so pissed at her I picked her up and held her against the wall while she cried. She promised me that was the last time. We couldn’t afford rehab so we always tried to help each other get clean. We stayed clean for six months, but then I lost my job and things got stressful and tight. The night we lost Abby we’d been using all day. It was the first time I used in front of Abby and I hated myself. She would look at me with those big blue eyes of hers and I’d want to die, but instead of stopping I kept shooting more of that shit into my veins.” He took a deep breath and looked at Tessa from the corner of his eye. Her eyes didn’t hold the anger that he thought they would.

“I still don’t know what time it was, but it was dark out and cold. We’d run out of the heroin, and since Abby was asleep we thought we’d go get some more. I didn’t want Kara going alone, especially since we were both coming down and were both a little out of it. I checked on Abby and she was sound asleep. We were only going to be gone ten, maybe twenty, minutes. Of course, it didn’t work out that way, and when we went back to our apartment, there were several cop cars around our building. I just knew it had to do with Abby, I could feel it. The cops immediately grabbed us both. Luckily I had hid the H before we went up to the apartment. The cops told us she’d wandered outside and all she was wearing was a little t-shirt and panties. One of our neighbors saw her wandering around so they called the police and reported it.

“I had them contact Journey, our parents were already gone, but I knew she’d take care of my daughter. Kara’s parents were abusive assholes, and she didn’t want Abby to go to them. To protect Abby from going into foster care, we signed over our rights to my sister. It was in Abby’s best interest. After that we both lost it.”

Tessa wiped the tears away from her cheeks. “Baby, I’m sorry you went through that, but that was a long time ago. You’re a good man. I can see how much Abby loves you. You did what you had to do because you were sick. That’s not a reason for us to break up. Do you think it makes me love you any less? It doesn’t.”

He had to stop her there. “Sweetheart, you’re going to want things I don’t think I can give you. I told you, you should get the morning after pill.”

“Would you quit saying that? That’s not what I want.”

“You don’t know what you want, Tessa. I’ve been your first for everything. I’m not good for you. How many times do I need to fucking tell you that?”

“Okay, I may be inexperienced, but I know I love you and I’m not giving up on us. Why are you pushing for this? What did I do? Tell me what I did and I’ll try to fix it. You don’t want to do this.” Her eyes were filled with so much pain it was breaking his heart.

“I do want this.” She pushed herself off of the couch and stomped down the hall.

“I don’t believe you,” she shouted before she slammed his bedroom door.

His girl was fighting him and he was going to have to bring out the big guns, his chest ached as he walked down the hall. “Open the door, Tessa. We’re not done talking yet!”

“No, you’re hurting right now because of your friend, and I’m not going to let you do something you’ll regret.”

“Tessa, my only regret is you won’t fucking listen to me.” He took a deep breath and said, “The night that Kara died we were at our dealer’s house. She stayed downstairs because one of his hangers-on had some dope and offered to share it with her while I went upstairs to get our stuff. I didn’t have enough money so Rick and I had a deal. If I blew him and his friends for free then he’d give us a cheaper rate. While Kara was downstairs choking on her own vomit I was giving our dealer a fucking blowjob. That’s what I was doing when the cops busted him. Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating it is to be busted with another man’s cock in your mouth? A lot of other bad shit happened that night too. So I’m going to tell you that you deserve better than me.”

His door flung open, “Are you telling me you’re gay?” The tears poured freely down her cheeks.

“No, it just means that I was a junkie who’d do anything for a fix. I need you to go, please. Go to the nearest drugstore and get that fucking pill.”

Her hand was out before he could stop it and connected with his cheek. “Thtop telling me to take that pill! I won’t do it!” He watched her grab her duffle bag out of the closet and start throwing her clothes in there. “I’m going to leave, but not because you want me to. It’s obvious you need some time to work through whatever it is that’s going on in your head. So I’ll give you your space for now, but this isn’t over. What we feel for each other can’t be thrown away just like that.” She snapped her fingers to emphasize her point. “Call me when you’re ready to stop this shit.”

He watched in silence as she packed her bag. The tears rolling down her face were shattering his heart, but she was going to be better off. It wouldn’t take long for her to realize that. She pushed past him and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He leaned his forehead against the door. Her sobs carrying through the wood had him wanting to change his mind, but he just couldn’t. Stepping away from the door he made his way into the kitchen, grabbing Daisy’s kennel and setting it by the front door.

A minute later Tessa came out. Her eyes were swollen and red. He put Daisy in the kennel and then picked it up. “I’ll help you get her loaded.”

“Whatever,” she muttered. When she had her stuff together, he followed her out to her Jeep. He loaded Daisy up in the back seat, sad that he’d probably never see the furball again. She climbed into the front seat and he stopped her from shutting the door.

“Are you okay to drive home?” He didn’t want her getting into an accident because she was upset.

“I’ll be fine. It’s not like you care anyway.”

“Tessa, you know that’s not true. I love you.” He shouldn’t have said that; he didn’t want to give her any false hope.

“Please just let me go, Cash. I need to leave,” she cried. So he stepped back. She pulled her door shut and was pulling out of the driveway before he could even react. As he watched her taillights fade into the distance, his heart shattered into a million pieces.

He went back into the house, grabbed her coffee cup, and threw it against the wall. He kicked his coffee table over and screamed at the top of his lungs. Did that make him feel any better? Not really, but he was too exhausted to care or clean up his mess. He went into his bedroom and collapsed on his bed. Her scent still lingered on his sheets and he let it surround him.