One of the Guys (26 page)

“Come out with me tonight Cole. You can’t stay cooped up forever. It’s been two months.” His point is valid; still I see no reason why I can’t sit here until she’s decided she doesn’t need that space anymore. I want to be here ready to jump up and run to her when she finally calls because she will. She fucking will, I know it.

“I don’t want to go out. What if Sam calls?” I haven’t given up on her yet. Part of me, the sappy part, keeps thinking she will call but yet again it’s been two long agonizing months and I haven’t even received a text message.

“Geez, shit man. You’ve been saying that every day for the past two months. Get the fuck off your ass and move on. What if she has?” What if? I’d be devastated. Right now I want to tell him what an asshole I think he is because of that but I don’t. I swallow trying to find the words to say.

“Rumor has it she’s fighting tonight. Come with me, hide in your little shadow to get your fix and then let’s go out. I miss you, it’s not the same.” I draw in a deep breath rolling my eyes at him. I didn’t know she was fighting tonight.

“I’ll meet you there.”

“Shut up, don’t lie to me.”

“I will be there Trey.” Click. I struggle to pull myself off the couch and into the shower to get ready. Seeing her each time gets harder and harder and I’m not sure whether I really want to put myself through this hell tonight.

Chapter 38

Sam

Cole will probably never know how hard it was to walk away from him that day two months ago. Things were so foggy from the night before and I knew it had nothing to do with Marsh. It was purely the fact everything we did felt rushed
. After jail and everything, I basically never left his apartment. We lived together not knowing whether we really even wanted to. Things fell into place rather peachy it seemed. Well and he yelled at me. That was the icing on the cake. I don’t even think I knew I was going to do it, it just came out. I was so overwhelmed with meeting with Dad for the first time since everything went down and my guilt from the night before sat there constantly eating me up. I just snapped. It broke his heart, I knew it. I hated that, but I also remembered I hadn’t come to Lou’s in the first place to meet a guy. But God, that first day he stood there burning holes in me with those fiery blue eyes. I still love him so much. Everyday I don’t see him at the gym or get to talk to him tears me apart, but I did that to myself. I’ve talked to Wendy about him and she insists I take all the time I need because he will wait for me but what if he doesn’t? Then this would be yet another relationship I’ve selfishly thrown down the drain.

Brenda opened her doors to me the day I told him I needed space. She didn’t question my outburst but listened as I poured my heart out to her. She apologized for sorta springing this mess on me as soon as she did. She figured everything would be ok and in a sense, so did I. I knew Dad was upset over how I walked out from lunch and I fully planned on making it up to him when my mind was right again.

Two days later, Dad called Brenda asking if we would like to have dinner with him. Panic swept over me as I stood there thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this but I needed to. This was a hurdle I needed to clear. Living in the shadows wasn’t an option anymore. It was time to face the music and sing along to it, I can do this.

Brenda cooked a cheesy ham and potato casserole for dinner. I helped her set the table which rarely got used. There was a fourth table setting, I know just to even everything out. It hurt like hell because all I could think was that Cole should be here sitting with us. I fixed everyone a glass of tea as we sat down to eat trying to push any thought of him away.

Things got very interesting when Dad asked what I’ve been up to and I explained why I had about five hundred dollars saved in a shoebox that he dumped on the front lawn. His expression was shocked but once I told him I rarely lost, he began smiling. I’m sure this wasn’t what he imagined his daughter doing but he seemed proud of me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted was for him to be proud of me. At least he knows I wasn’t out prostituting like he thought I was. Maybe now he can sleep easy at night. Neither of us brought up Marsh, thank you Jesus. I wasn’t ready to hash that one out. Dad and I continued to meet up over the course of this past month. Each time proved to be a little easier; he had his moments when just the look on his face was enough to send me coiling back into the corner. Bad days. That’s all they are. Just bad days and he will be ok. Those are the days I’m glad I can leave and go stay with Brenda and no one has to see his dark side, the side he’s trying to bring back into the light. The hardest part was when Brenda and I went to his anger management meeting where they all read a letter to someone they’ve hurt.

Brenda and I showed up to the meeting a few minutes after Dad had already been there. I was nervous to hear what he’d written and of course, I wished Cole had been here for me but I had Brenda. We sat beside each other hand in hand nerves making themselves present as he stood up and identified himself before reading his letter.

“My dearest love Brenda and my daughter Samantha,

             
I always thought I was the luckiest man to have you two in my life. Brenda, I can’t ever express how thankful I was to have met you when I did. Thank you for taking care of Samantha like she was your own. There is no excuse for how I’ve behaved in these past few months, I deeply regret ever having touched you in any harmful way. After Christy, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to love again. She was what I believed to be the one true love of my life until I met you. I have to be honest, I never stopped loving her. You picked up the pieces of my heart that I didn’t know I still had and I’m so sorry. For the longest time, I hated God for ripping her away from me. I grieved her death for the two years until I met you. Until recently, I realized I don’t think I grieved like I should have. I found myself missing her so much. I took you for granted Brenda and now I only pray that God can forgive me. The day you left I knew I had messed up bad and I vowed to make it right. Being angry wasn’t going to bring Christy back and it did nothing but hurt you. Unintentionally I turned my anger towards Samantha and I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven myself for that. I drank myself into such a stupor I treated her in the worst was possible. It hurt to look at Samantha and see so much of Christy in her. I never meant to be angry and I never meant to hurt you my sweet baby girl. I wish you could have met her and been able to know her how I did. She would have loved you so much, all throughout her pregnancy all she talked about was being able to watch you grow up into a young woman. I can never express how sorry I am for what I’ve done but I can only hope in time the both of you can forgive me. I’m not sure how to define the turning point that brought me here. Maybe it was just realizing my actions or when I had my daughter arrested for something that should have never been started. I will deeply regret that for the rest of my life. I want my marriage back and I want my daughter back. In time, and with continued support from everyone in this room, I believe I can have it again. I kept this short and sweet to keep from babbling, I just want you two to know how much I love you.”

By the time he was done reading, there was a steady stream of tears running down his cheeks. Brenda had been sobbing uncontrollably squeezing the life out of my hand the entire time. I’ve been waiting all these months to hear these words come out of his mouth and to finally hear them, wow there are no words. My face resembled his, a steady stream, and when he got up to meet us, we hugged and cried some more. As he talked about Mom and how he never fully recovered from her death, that killed me a little more inside. It still didn’t justify anything but in a sense we were able to see a part of him we had been so curious about. The part that turned him into our worst nightmare.

Dad treated us to Dairy Queen after the meeting. We all got blizzards and sat around talking like the family we used to be. In time, it would be awesome if they could work out their differences. I forgot how nice it was to see them together. They clicked together so well. No doubt there were still some harbored feelings towards him and although it was nice to carry on conversation, it would take a while before he fully had my trust again.

“Hey Dad, I have a fight tonight if you want to check it out.” I took a deep breath as I told him.

“I’d like to see you. Tell me when and where I’ll be there.” I rattled off the directions to where the fights were and he told me he’d see me there. I excused myself giving them time to talk alone so I could go to the gym and get ready for tonight.

Every time I show up at the gym, I look around for his truck. I know he won’t be here while I am but I’m always scared he will be just to have the chance to talk to me. There has been so many times in the past two months I’ve wanted to call him but I was a coward. He actually texted twice and I cried. Brenda heard and came in the room to make sure I was alright and I shoved the phone towards her face so she could read his message.

Cole: Sam, baby, I’m so sorry for everything I did to make you feel this way. Please talk to me.

Cole: I miss you so much. I love you and I’ll never give up on you…ever.

Walking into Lou’s I couldn’t help but wear a smile on my face. Things were finally beginning to look up in my life. Now maybe things with Cole would start to look up, if I could bring myself to quit being so stubborn and talk to him.

Rocky stood on the mat facing Trey trying to show him some way to block a hit when I skipped over in a rather bubbly mood. “Hey guys!”

“Well, aren’t you so happy? Talk to Cole?” Trey wore a stupid grin on his face and I just scowled.

“No.” I turned to face Rocky, “My dad is coming to my fight tonight, isn’t that awesome?!”

“Things are going good Sam? I’m glad to hear that. Go get ready, meet us out here.”

I ran off to change hearing my phone beep. I pulled it out to find a text from Cole. It read:

Cole: I can’t go much longer without you Sam, please.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I contemplated texting him back. Instead, I threw the phone on top of my keys and ran back to the mats where Trey and Rocky stood. “Hey where’s Wendy?”

“She’s with Cole, said she wanted to spend some time with him.” Oh, in other words, neither of them probably wants to see me.

Wendy hasn’t treated me any differently since my falling out with Cole. In fact, we’ve talked just about the same. I couldn’t help but keep buying her stuff for the baby even though she had more than enough. She didn’t have much longer and she would be a mom, it was a bit surreal.

“Who am I fighting tonight?”

“No clue yet. Lay on the mat, Trey’s going to try to pin you, show me how you would get out of it.”

Trey raised his eyebrows seductively as I positioned myself below him. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes with every stupid remark he made. I burst out laughing when he tried to mock me and almost lost his balance. It took me three tries to get out from how he had me pinned but I got it. The rest of the time we sat around bullshitting until Wendy walked in. With Cole right behind her. I know he’s been to the fights, I’m not stupid. I haven’t personally laid eyes on him but I can feel him though. To look at him and pretend I feel nothing is the biggest lie. Every piece of my insides is burning to feel his touch, to taste his kiss, but I continue to talk to Trey. Part of me hopes Cole will come up to me and initiate a conversation but within five minutes he’s gone and I cry inside hating myself for letting him go.

“Hey Trey, how’s your mom?” I ask timidly not wanting to stir anything up. Ever since he first told me, I occasionally ask about her but I don’t push it. I feel even more like a coward because I’m using this to camouflage the hurt inside me.

His eyes got a little distant but he forced a small smile. “She’s doing the same. All I can do is tell her how much I love her everyday.”

I hugged him close telling him everything would be ok. Inside, I was telling myself everything would be ok for both of us.

***********

Rocky prepped me like he always does, giving the same pointers he always does and I listen just like I do every time. I look out into the sea of faces until I spot Dad and Brenda. I’m surprised she came; I know how she feels about violence. I briefly wave to them and then turn my attention to Blaize as he begins his rundown.

“Hey guys, what the hell is up?” The crowd goes wild like usual. “Line up time, let’s see what we have in store tonight. Travis Pierce and Trey Jones as the main event but first we have a little girl action for you.” Oh barf, he never says anything this gay but of course the one night my dad comes he decides to. “We have your favorite and mine, Sam Montgomery and Beth Granger!” The crowd continues to cheer, my name coming out a few times and I even heard Trey’s. He gives me a thumbs up as I finish getting ready before stepping into the ring.

If I’ve learned anything from fighting it’s to tune out the crowd but I’ll be damned if I don’t look out and meet Cole’s soft blue eyes. He offers a smile but I don’t have time to reciprocate because Beth tries to catch me off guard. I block her punch and retaliate with one of my own. She stumbles back but she has no intentions of giving up this soon. Rocky is yelling something from the side and I can barely hear him. I begin to shuffle around pondering my next move. I attempt to leg sweep her but she moves and I almost plant my face against the hard mat. I pull myself up quickly throwing a punch that lands right upside her jaw. I hear a voice from Rocky’s direction and I look over to see my dad there cheering me on. A sense of pride comes over me and I feel empowered as I throw another punch. Beth blocks this one and I get a slight advantage when her ponytail begins to fall. A strand of her blonde hair falls in her face and I take the chance to get in that punch and not soon after I pull her down pinning her for my victory. I could  have cried I was so happy. And to see my dad’s face as he watched me, he was proud. He didn’t have to say it, I knew it.

“Baby girl, you were awesome. I’m so proud of you.” He appeared pulling me in for a hug despite the sweat dripping. That’s love.