One Split Second (5 page)
Authors: Gillian Crook
Last night started writing but fell asleep. Through the night I got woken up and turned a few times, but at least I didn’t wake up too crabby, I feel ok actually. Still tired so I fell back to sleep for a while. Since they have started turning me properly (why they turn me, I don’t know, but it’s a bloody pest, and painful), they woke me up at 5 this morning to roll me so I just stayed awake and waited for morning pills to come round. Got my meds and fell back to sleep—what a boring and painful existence, just as I get comfy and start to fall asleep they bloody wake me to tell me that I need to be rolled over again!! Apparently I should have been getting rolled all the time at intervals. Forgot to say, I phoned John-Jon, a mate of Matt, oh yes, HE of the same name, who called my name at the accident, and who also has my cassette and owes me £30, and JJ said he would get back to me with Matts new address—little does he know that if I
do
get the address I will organize to have Matts knees capped!! Having a good day so far, Ruth, Jan, Carol and new girl Linda are on; I thought I could be crude but nurses are
really dirty
ha ha—Lynn from admin is here too, she is really down to earth. Docs need to know any contacts in Glasgow, hmm; I don’t think this move to Glasgow is going to be quite as easy as I thought it was. Dinner ladies came round with lunch and there was absolutely bloody nothing I wanted, but guess what they left out of all the bloody sandwiches they could have left—TURKey!! I hate
anything
that reminds me of `you-know-what`? God forbid if there is a nurse that’s from there who has to look after me!! That’s bad, I know, but I can’t help it! Anyway, had to settle for a big fat 0! My mood is absolutely subsiding today and dinner ladies had had no briefing from dietician and they wouldn’t leave until I agreed to have something, so I chose a cheese and ham salad and they said they would get it for about 3, fine, now I am quite hungry, and if it doesn’t come, great, another excuse to make a huge fuss!!! Isn’t it sad, most of my body is in a state of disrepair and I’m losing the plot because of a bloody scabby sandwich! Yippee, Barry unexpectedly phoned and he was actually in a talkative mood. We got a few things ironed out over tetchy things we have been arguing about lately, talked in-depth about kids, what my future might be like, and he even talked a little bit about Shonah—he is committed to her and the baby, as much as Casey and Mitch, but I must understand that no matter what, we are always gonna be a part of each others lives; He said his vows meant everything to him and he told me that he could never lose in his heart what we had, but he has moved on, yeah, yeah, yeah—tell me summit I don’t know! Apparently he talks to Shonah about everything (why shouldn’t he?), and it is her choice to stay with him (very commendable). I really can’t make him out sometimes, but Oh cupid, next time you’re throwing that arrow on my behalf make sure it’s heading straight for a handsome, rich, mute!!!
I think it’s Thursday 2nd
October
The reason I say is ‘I think’ is because it’s hard to keep track of the days when they all seem to fall into each other… I must try to remember to phone Angela and Amy because I know their birthdays are on the 2nd and 5th of this month, and it would be a nice gesture on my behalf to say ‘thank you’, as well… thanking them for WHAT? oh yes, I remember now; they were with Paula, Roselyn and Tina when they all, decided to have a little ‘soiree’ the night before they came into see me, and subsequently when they did, they were all very hungover! I know I can’t talk and I don’t begrudge them a ‘get together and catch up’—but they could have chosen a better time? Christ, they were no sooner off the plane when they were off to the ‘offie’ to get their carry-out, if they hadn’t already brought their ‘bubbly’ with them, and no doubt started as soon as they checked into the hospital accommodation. Maybe if they had come in to see me in the evening first, it would have left them free to go ‘home’ with hangovers—’dutiful’ support mission complete. Anyway, I suppose I should be grateful they came down at all and spent what probably amounted to about an hour with me; come to think of it, the tight buggers didn’t even bring me fruit or anything, just the news that ‘what a good night they had and how bad they were suffering’ . . . oh dear, I’m so sorry! It was quite funny actually. I heard them before I saw them, well, I heard Angela to be precise… they had all been coming up in the lift to my floor, probably feeling a little fragile and weren’t too sure what to expect. I heard a very LOUD scream and a lot of commotion. What had happened was that Angela was at the front of them all when the lift door opened, when suddenly she was faced with this tall, very muscly tattooed person with a contraption of steel bars and nuts and bolts on his head, that on first glance probably looked like ‘Frankenstein’, and she had no idea who or what it was and got a shock! typical Angela, she is so ‘OTT’, sometimes but very funny! Under the nuts and bolts, she didn’t realise there was a very handsome lad, my hospital buddie, who went by the name of Ashley.
Anyway, drama over, the girls came to the room and they were faffing about trying to find more seats, and generally just messing about, I didn’t mind, it was quite funny… and, when Amy feels uncomfortable, her cheeks go red, and she shuffles about nervously; anyway, they proceeded one agreeing, after the other, nodding their heads, saying… `Well, you’re looking well!!`, yes, probably cause all the major friggin injuries were below the neck! Oh, I had to laugh though cause when they were there trying to look ‘interested’, the doc came in to check the stitches on my head and I decided to show them where the wound was. I explained to them that before my head was stitched, if you looked into the hole and squeezed you could see some of the ‘sea water’ still in there… Great! Sort of true, story! So, begrudgingly, they came over, Amy was so hungover, she hates hospitals anyway, she took one look at my head, hesitantly trying to show an interest, and started ‘boacking’ and headed straight out of the room to find the nearest toilet, I love Amy, but that did bring a ‘shameful’ smile to my face! . . . All in all, it was great to see them, but to be honest, I’m not a very good patient, so showing any enthusiasm was hard, plus it would have been nice if they had seemed a bit more sincere, but the were too busy feeling ill! I think they were relieved when they had to go, and so was I!
So, on and off sleeping but it’s peaceful when I do, just drifting on and off… I really do care about how I feel but it does keep me going when people are happy, sincere and positive on the phone—all the things I ain’t at times. I now have to get turned, so will be back in a mo… oh, Eastenders are on, it’s pretty boring and predictable at the moment!! Dirty Den, `ello Princess`, (Sharon’s chest rises two more sizes as she takes a deep breath, and shrieks for the whole of the eastend to hear!), ‘Oi, U aint me dad’!! (Oh gasp, shock horror, disbelief… . excitement over!) Wonder what’s on the other channels? No doubt summit with ‘dirty den’ in it… I do like the loveable rogue but he’s on every bloody chat show and programme you can see.
So, no drama’s today. Trying to get organised now, it’s crazy, how can I get organised when I have a limited amount of space and personal effects to work with but still I manage to find myself taking hours to organise
nothing
! Spoken to 3 dieticians and 2 dinner ladies today, so let’s hope it wasn’t a ‘fruitless’ exercise, scuse the pun? Actually, talking of fruit, why the hell
don’t
they have any fruit available ever… ? I enjoy an apple—is that too much to ask? Had to sort out lunch and tea for 2 days so lets see how that goes—it seems simple enough. That’s what’s worse… it
is
simple, aah deep sigh! No more bitching… actually I have been in quite a good mood today, probably because I’m taking so many different pills. I’m not sure but one of them must be kicking in and making me more relaxed, thankfully, I hate it when I’m tetchy, meaning that I should try not to be, but for Christ’s sake, even someone with the patience of a saint would be freaking out just now putting up with the constant pain of the turns! David Blaine, you try
this
routine and see how long you last!!
So, no visitors today, oh what a surprise—at least Jo phoned to say she couldn’t make it… I appreciate that, at least she didn’t let me down. Still a bit concerned about Joan, but the way things are looking I really feel that she has made her choice of friends, and I don’t think it took much persuading, but I do believe that her church and the people there are important to her and to be perfectly honest, I can’t say I blame her… her church friends have never let her down and what do her so-called real friends do? Well the way I see it… Joan is a wonderful, caring, sensitive, gentle, but also insecure, wary, disillusioned, uncertain, scared (to name but a few traits), person, and one of the loveliest people I have ever met, but some people see her as a ‘soft touch’, specially the Caretaker of the house that we lived in—Dan (horrible goose bumps on me), used her soft side to make her feel bad when she never took any notice of his sneaky sexual innuendos and creepy advances, dirty bastard, half the time she would laugh nervously and I don’t think she even saw it. That’s why he never liked me, cause he thought I was the ‘mouthy’ one, and he didn’t like that and I wouldn’t even contemplate sharing an ‘opinion’ with him, let alone anything else, and he knew that! (Oh god forbid, I have enough nightmares)! Back to Joan—her ‘recovery’ was and is everything to her and staying clear of drugs, for her, is a struggle, like drink is for me, but it doesn’t help Joan when she has to put up with the two men she loves, Pat her new ex-boyfriend, and Denny, her son, openly drinking and Pat talking about ‘getting his script and wanting a joint’. That’s so unfair. Then Jake, inmate of ‘Seafield’ (guy’s rehab) and my ex-boyfriend. Well, the three of us used to be best buddies for quite a while, especially when me and Jake went out and things were sort of fun and ‘normal’—though I could tell she always had her reservations and so did I, in my heart, and it did turn out to be one huge mistake and I know it should never have happened—I won’t go into too much detail because it is implanted in my brain. I didn’t know Jake was back using drugs when I started going out with him, but he used to go round to Joan’s after taking stuff and even ‘gauging’, I don’t know if that’s the right way to say it and I don’t know too much about drugs, but Joan does, and it is her, who told me Jake was taking drugs again—I thought it was drink even though I couldn’t smell it, but I was happier deluding myself that it was something harmless to him—how wrong was I—being around Jake whilst he was constantly ‘high’ was too much for me to handle, and it was only a matter of days before I was back on the drink—he didn’t pour it down my throat, but, I wasn’t ready to be round a ‘relapser’—suddenly Joan had 2 of us, relapsed and her best friends at that. Then he went to London, still using, and I ended up in Derry hospital (here), paralysed from chest down in a diving accident!
I wasn’t drunk the day of the accident but my head probably was. Joan stayed loyal and came to see me regularly, but it all got too much for her to handle seeing me like this. Anyway, her best best friend, Tammy, who had also been in Viewfield for drugs and ‘being in an abusive relationship that she had to get out of’, (just like me and Pete),
and
was anorexic (phew)!, came to see Joan, bringing with her the abusive hubby that she was back with—great! Not! They came down to spend 2 nights with her, so Joan brought Tammy in to see me (I forgot she used to self-harm as well). I knew Tammy as well from Viewfield and she’s a really nice girl. Well, apparently, the night after they had been in to see me in hospital (when I even met Tammys’ husband and he seemed ok—but don’t they all, look at Pete, bastard!), anyhow, . . . that night at Joan’s they argued constantly, then left early in the morning, even though they were supposed to stay that morning then take Joan to lunch and go back to Sussex, however, Joan got a call that night about 8, having heard nothing properly from them all day, to say that Tammy, had taken an overdose!! Jesus Christ, what a prat!—Joan had to phone Tammys’ daughter! Joan wanted to go and see her but it was all too much for her and she went into a deep depression (like she does) and started ‘craving’, so the doctor gave her pills and the women from the church looked after her. Thank god, oh yes, thank him twice, that she had those friends. Needless to say, Joan can’t see me for a while, so I will give her a call after a few days. Know what, you must think I am a nutter being around all these people e.g. ex and present druggies, drinkers, abused women, self-harmers, anorexics and bulimics, thieves (normally only to feed an addiction), kleptomaniacs (one girl just couldn’t stop), manic depressives? Well too bad, the good sides far outweigh the bad and at least we are admitting our problems and trying to so something about it)? Anyway, must give Joan a call. Sorry, gotta go, I’m in so much pain round my chest and my back is killing me and this corset must be a size 4 by now!!
Well, must have fallen asleep for a good long while. Just about to have my first argument and its only 5.50 AM! I have been woken up constantly on and off through the night and only really because I have to be turned, last time 4… I asked for orimorph and have been told I have just had some (I don’t believe them)! I need some more then. My chest is hurting so badly and I have waited patiently—dozed on and off out of sleep and at 5 when pills were 15 minutes `overdue` I asked for them. I am still sitting waiting, taking my mind off the constant aching. AND IT’S HARD WAITING FOR DRUGS FOR THE PAIN!!!
Well, Davina just walked in the door—Dee (for short) for the record, she is like one of those no-nonsense, matron-like, rather large, hair tied tightly back, strictly stereotypical (carry on nursing, type film springs to mind) character… but when you get to know her, she is a bit of a walk-over, especially when she makes out she doesn’t like cheek, when she does. At least from me she takes it!! Just gave her a ticking off bout not getting orimorph earlier and she did say it was ‘out of her hands’, and it was probably totally unintentional, and for me not to be a wimp anyway!! She said she would see me later after leaving me my meds and I said `not if I see you first matey` . . . she smiled. I’m gonna take a short break for a mo… arms sore (whose she calling a wimp?).