Our December (4 page)

Wisdom

"I saw you at the ice cream shop the other day."

Jared met his mother's eyes across the table. They ate lunch together several times a week, a habit Jared enjoyed.

"And you didn't offer to buy me a cone?" he teased, flashing his smile.

They were at her favorite restaurant, a small English pub that served wonderful food in an intimate atmosphere. Even at midday, the lighting subdued, a single lamp cast an island of light around their table.

"You weren't alone," she said, concern evident in her eyes and her tone. But she didn't pry. His mother never did.

"Alex," Jared said, wondering exactly what he revealed in how he said the name. It was too familiar on his tongue. He tried to keep a grip on his feelings for Alex but was sinking a little deeper every day. His heart more entangled with each meeting. "It's nothing mom, just a kid I met a few weeks ago. I hang out with him and a friend sometimes. I wouldn't let it be anything else."

She didn't comment. Her eyes, the same blue as his, said it all. Jared took a bite of his baked potato, but it tasted like sawdust in his mouth. He didn't want to lie to his mother, silence was safer. She reached across the table to lay her hand on his arm. Her touch as gentle and reassuring as when he was a boy.

"I know that, Jared. You are too good a man to do…" She stopped short, but it hung unspoken between them,
'to do what David did to you.'

It was something Jared tried to erase from his memory. The older man had taken him under his wing when Jared was sixteen, and under the guise of mentoring him, David encouraged Jared's budding sexuality. He said everything Alex wanted to hear from Jared. Words of love and promises he didn't mean. After the sacrificing of Jared's innocence, David disappeared.

"It's okay Mom, I've dealt with it." Jared covered her hand with his, aware how rough his touch must feel on her soft skin. Construction wasn't a gentle way to earn a living. She smiled, staring at his hand.

"You have your father's hands," she said, "and his heart. Jared, I'm not worried that you'll do anything inappropriate or hurt that boy. I'm worried that you don't guard yourself as carefully as you do others. You are in love with him. Maybe no one else sees it, but I do. What will you do when he grows up?"

Holding her gaze, Jared gave her the only answer he could. The truth.

"I'll let him go."

The Inevitable

"Jared!"

The door to Jared's office flew open, banging against the wall behind it. Jared's head jerked up. His office was in his garage, open to the public, but it was rare for anyone to show up there. He did the lion's share of his business over the phone. Alex burst into the room, his eyes wide with panic. Alarmed, Jared rushed to meet him. The distressed teenager threw himself into Jared's arms, clinging to him.

"Don't let him, Jared. You have to tell him he can't do it. You have to help me!" Alex, crying and out of breath, made it impossible for Jared to make heads or tails of what he was trying to say.

"Here, Alex, sit down and calm down. No one is going to hurt you. I'll get you some water." When Jared returned with the bottle of water, Alex was calmer. He took a long drink and dashed the tears from his eyes.

"I knew you'd help me," he said with a little hiccup. His eyes were red rimmed from crying, but Jared couldn't see any sign of an injury.

He leaned back on the edge of his desk, close to Alex. "Help you? What's wrong?" Jared asked. "Did someone hurt you?"

"It's my Dad." Tears threatened again, and Alex scrubbed at his eyes furiously.

"Your Dad hurt you?" Jared leaned over Alex and cupped his chin, lifting the boy's face to look again for signs of abuse.

"No," Alex pulled away, shifting in his chair. "Yes. I mean, he didn't hit me, or anything. It's just, he's sending me away. He can't do it! I won't go! I won't. You have to stop him, Jared. I can't leave. I can't."

Jared stared at Alex, overwhelmed by the flood of mixed emotions brought on by his words. Sharp tearing pain at the thought of Alex leaving warred with the relief that he wouldn't have to keep fighting his baser instincts. Jared didn't have time to indulge his inner turmoil, Alex needed him. He grabbed his desk chair and pulled it around to sit in front of Alex.

"Alex, you have to calm down. Tell me what happened." Jared's calm had the desired effect on the boy. Alex took another drink of water and a deep breath.

"I want to go to MIT," Alex said, "Dad says that my school here isn't preparing me for the demands of a college like that. He found some high school he wants me to go to, to get me ready for it."

"A prep school," Jared said, and Alex nodded.

"Yeah, that's what he called it. A prep school. He said if I go, college won't be such a struggle for me. He tried to make it sound all about school, but I think he knows about us." Alex's breathing quickened; he looked close to another panic attack. Jared wasn't about to let him run.

"We're just friends, Alex, it's not a secret," Jared reminded him.

It was a partial truth. They didn't hide their meetings. Jared made sure when he was with the boys, they weren't alone. However, he'd never tried to meet Alex's parents. He thought Alex would introduce them when he was ready. He never had.

"It doesn't matter, he knows. He said I need time away to get my head straight and figure out my life." Alex's hands fisted. "I know what I want. I don't need time."

Agitated, Jared ran a hand through his hair. "Of course you need time, you're fifteen. You aren't living your adult life; you're just on the edge of it."

Anger darkened Alex's eyes. "You sound like him."

Jared didn't back down. "That's because he makes sense, and if his motives aren't pure, well, whose are?" Jared was harsher than he meant to be, his love for Alex a guilty weight in his heart. He wanted to be there for him, to help him find his place in life, but it wasn't selfless motivation. He loved Alex, wanted him. Those things made him an undue influence in the boy's life. Getting him away was the best thing, and doing it without mention of the Alex's sexuality was compassionate and brilliant. Jared was impressed.

Alex was not. "You want me to leave! You're tired of me, and you want me to go away!" He jumped up, but Jared pushed him back into the chair with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Listen to yourself, Alex. You sound like a ten year old. I don't want you to leave, and if I live to be a hundred and twenty, I couldn't get tired of you. The thing is, we can rant and rail all we want, but it comes down to one thing. You can't stop it, and neither can I. He's your father. He can send you to prep school if that's his decision. You do have a choice. You can't choose to go or stay, that's out of your hands. You can choose how you'll go. Are you going to leave screaming, yelling, and throwing tantrums like a two year old, or are you going to accept your fate with quiet dignity like a man? This is a huge opportunity, you can waste it with childishness, or you can make the most of it."

"You make it sound easy," Alex grumbled, sinking into his chair. The tantrum was over and he was listening.

"It's not easy. Stuff like this never is. A year and a half ago, I was in college. One day, they came, got me out of class, and took me to a counselor's office. My mom was on the phone when I got there. My father had a heart attack and he died. It was hard. I lost my best friend that day. It took a little longer for me to realize the rest." He gave Alex a steady look. "I lost my life. College was over. I had to come home and take over the business. The contracting company was my mother's sole support, and it was putting me through college. Dad wanted me to graduate and come back as a full partner. Instead, my father was gone, and I was the sole owner at nineteen. I had to make a choice and I did. I accepted the change in my plans and I've made the most of it. It's not easy, but it was the right thing to do." Silence fell between them.

"Telling me about your dad dying isn't playing fair," Alex muttered. "And you
always
do the right thing, it's pretty annoying really."

Jared huffed out a laugh. "I'm evil that way. Look, Alex, I'm not suggesting that what's happening to you is the same as me losing my dad, but leaving is going to affect your life just as drastically. I don't always do the right thing, but I try. I know you've heard that saying about how women have to be twice as good as a man before they are accepted as an equal. That's true about us too. People have odd ideas about gay men. We're the only ones that can teach them better. I told you before; we have to be twice as strong, twice as brave, just to get half the credit. It's even worse for you because you're still so young. Your parents see a boy, show them the man."

Jared watched the boy square his shoulders. A light came into his eyes.

"I really can't stop this, can I?" His tone pleaded for Jared to take it back, but it was beyond Jared's ability to fix and he shook his head.

"I can't help, Alex, I wish I could." Despite his initial relief that Alex wouldn't be there for him to mess up, Jared's heart ached with the knowledge the end came much sooner than anticipated. His life would be a darker place without Alex and his thousand-watt smile.

"I have to just accept it?"

"Not at all, you can argue your side. If your Dad doesn't come around to your way of thinking, and he probably won't, then find a way to show you are cooperating under protest."

"Dignity and self-respect," Alex mumbled. "It's all you talk about sometimes, even when you don't say it. Is that really all that matters?"

They were on their feet, and Jared led Alex to the door. He looked at the boy's earnest face, the stain of his tears still on his cheeks. Jared wanted to touch him, to offer physical comfort, not just rationale, but he didn't dare. He couldn't trust himself.

"What else is there?" he asked.

Alex's eyes narrowed, and without warning, he crowded Jared against the door.

"This." Alex reached out grabbing Jared's hair, pulling him down into a kiss. Their breath mingled and their lips met. With a low moan of desperation, Jared pulled Alex hard against him. He needed this so much. Alex surged forward and when Jared lifted him off the floor, Alex's legs wrapped around his waist. Jared turned, pinning Alex against the wall with his body. His big hands cupped Alex's face, his thumbs caressing smooth cheeks. His mouth slanted, demanding and hungry, over Alex's. Their tongues tangled and Alex pulled hard on Jared's hair, rutting against him.

The sounds he made, agonizing whimpers of need, brought Jared back to his senses. He jerked away so fast he dropped Alex. Stumbling, Alex regained his balance, unable to tear his eyes away from Jared's.

"Holy crap. Is it always like that?"

Jared struggled to regain control. Alex's eyes, dark with need, wide with surprise, were a magnet to Jared's raging lust.

"No, no, it's not. It's never like that. You have to go."

Wide eyed at Jared's reaction and stunned by the demands of his own body, Alex fled.

On a Jet Plane

*8 fri nite gate c*

Jared stared at the text from Alex. They hadn't seen one another since the afternoon Alex burst into Jared's office. His dad had him on the fast track to leave town and there wasn't time for more than a few hurried texts. Jared already missed Alex, and knowing he was soon going to be gone for good made him want to throw the fit he talked Alex out of… to hell with dignity.

Sometimes he thought it was unfortunate that self-control was such an ingrained part of his nature. It wasn't very satisfying. Letting Alex go was the right thing to do, but it hurt like hell. Alex wanted him to come to the airport, but Jared couldn't say good-bye to the boy in person and stay calm. Jared worried what his decision to stay away would cost. He didn't know if Alex would understand.

Jared couldn't face Alex in person, but Friday found him at the airport, looking at the passengers from what was once a railed overlook. Airport security had it walled with glass, and Jared stood behind the double thick layer of safety glass, looking for Alex among the passengers waiting to board. He didn't see the boy and scanned the crowd again, his eyes returning to a young man sitting with his back towards Jared. He was bald with oriental tattoo at the nape of his neck, the letters stark black lines, but Jared couldn't make out the details. Something about him seemed familiar but he never turned so Jared could catch a glimpse of his face.

He still couldn't find Alex. Speakers buzzed and blared the boarding at Gate C. The waiting crowd shifted from lethargy to action. People put away laptops and gathered bags, getting ready for the last stage of boarding. The bald guy captured Jared's attention again as he slung his back pack over one shoulder, the same type as Alex's, but it wasn't until Jared caught a glimpse of his profile that he realized why the guy was so familiar.

It was Alex. His dark curls were a thing of the past, and his new tattoo screamed rebellion, but he picked up his bag and walked over to stand with his dad without a sign of the turmoil Jared knew it took to get him to that point. Jared ran a hand through his own hair and shook his head. He didn't think he had the courage to shave it off, or maybe he was just too vain. He liked his hair. Jared wondered about the tattoo, maybe it said 'screw you', though that seemed more Clark's style than Alex's. Jared's amusement faded as the line of people boarding filed past the flight attendant taking tickets before disappearing into the boarding tunnel.

"He'll be back, you know."

Startled, Jared jumped. He tore his eyes away from Alex to meet Clark's gaze for a second. Clark's grin was half-mast but he made the effort. Jared tried to give him as much back, but his lips trembled. He turned away before embarrassing himself. Clark was oblivious and pulled out his phone and typed in a text. Alex's dad handed the attractive, blonde flight attendant his ticket and stepped past her. Instead of following immediately, Alex pulled out his phone and glanced at the screen. He turned and looked directly at Jared. Alex's grin split his face. His hair was gone but his smile was exactly the same. Despite the ache in his chest, Jared smiled back. Alex's dad tugged at his backpack, they were holding up the line. Alex handed over his ticket and waved to Jared and Clark. Jared lifted his hand in automatic response. He laid it on the glass as if that were the only thing separating him from Alex. The leaving was over; Alex was gone. The pain was excruciating. Jared leaned his forehead against the glass, staring at the empty space that, a moment before, held Alex. Tears threatened and he fought them back.

"Dude, he's not gone forever," Clark said, patting his shoulder. His discomfort over offering support distracted Jared, making it easier to breathe. He turned to face Clark, though all he had to offer was a watery smile.

"No, not forever," he agreed, but he knew it was a lie. Growing up was subtle when someone was there every day, sometimes it was hard to realize it was happening at all. Within their minds, over the next few months, Alex wouldn't age at all. When he came back, it would be in an avalanche of change. It was in the midst of that change Jared was sure Alex would outgrow his puppy love and move on to better and more exciting things. He said he'd let Alex go, it was time to follow through, but his heart rebelled, and Jared knew he was in for a battle. He wasn't sure he could win. Clark's stomach growled.

"I'm hungry," he declared.

Jared raised a brow at him. "Really? I'd have never guessed."

Clark blushed and shoved Jared's shoulder.

"Let's go eat. Your choice, I'm buying." Clark lit up at Jared's offer, heading for the nearest exit.

"Greasy Dog, here we come!" he exclaimed.

Jared's phone beeped and he pulled it out. A text from Alex. Jared hesitated, before touching the screen to open the text.

*thanx dude c u soon*

Alex had only wanted to see him after all, just to know he was there.

*np*