Our December (5 page)

Visitor

Frank battled a moment of indecision before forcing himself out of the car and up the steps to the front door of the small house. The postage stamp yard was neat, the grass mowed, and the leaves raked. Bright orange chrysanthemums hung in pots over the porch railings on either side of the door, and a white wooden glider sat to the left. Jared was a puzzle Frank hadn't worked out yet. Jared's reputation preceded him in the community. He was a hard worker, the youngest contractor in town, but no one had qualms about hiring him. Jared never took jobs he didn't have licenses to do and never padded bids or cut corners. He had the yard of a spinster grandma. Frank pushed the doorbell and waited. He'd just decided Jared wasn't going to answer when the door opened. When Jared's startled eyes met his, Frank fought another round with his nerves. He shoved them down and offered his hand.

"Hello, Jared. I'm Frank, Alex's father." Jared shook his hand.

"Couldn't be anyone else with that face, he looks just like you."

Frank grinned. "I get that every so often," he said, "I won't take much of your time, but I wanted to stop and thank you."

Jared rubbed a hand through his hair, and Frank noted how tired Jared looked and wondered how much worrying about Alex kept him up at night.

"Thank me?" Jared asked, puzzled. "Do you want to come in?"

Frank shook his head. "We can sit here," he said, settling onto the top stair.

There was a moment's hesitation before Jared joined him. Frank tried to decide where to start. He couldn't pretend he was pleased with Alex's decisions, but he wasn't upset either. He didn't want to get off to a bad start with Jared.

"Is there something I can help you with?" Jared asked; his tone cautious.

"You already did. I sent my boy away last week. It's the best thing for him right now, but it wasn't easy. It could have been bad, really bad. Instead, he left with his dignity and our family intact. Someone was responsible for that," Frank met Jared's surprised look with level honesty.

Frank's talk with Alex about leaving began as he expected it to, with his emotional son indulging in tears, screaming, and threats. Frank hadn't expected the boy to run. Frank was sure when Alex left, he'd gone to Jared. Instead of following, Frank decided to trust Alex and wait him out.

"He's a good boy." Jared said.

"Yes, he is, but he's also impulsive and emotional. We had a huge fight that afternoon, and then when he came home, he wouldn't talk; he locked himself in his room. My wife was hysterical. She thought he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault. Thankfully, Alex was still alive when he came downstairs the next morning. He ate breakfast with me and gave me a well thought out, point-by-point argument for why I should let him stay. He gave me a run for my money, but the fact is that getting him away right now is the right thing for him."

Jared stared at the wooden step under his feet and didn't respond.

"You think it's because of you." He reached out a gentle hand and clasped Jared's shoulder. The young man, barely out of childhood himself, looked up to meet Frank's eyes. Regret pricked Frank's heart at the raw pain reflected there.

"It was the only thing to do, he's too young. I tried to be a good influence for him."

Frank squeezed Jared's shoulder. "Son, you were one of the strongest arguments to keep him here. Thank God he didn't use that one against me." Frank laughed at the stunned surprise on Jared's face. "Alex needs what that school has academically. He needs the challenge, something he's never had in school here. However, that's not the only reason I sent him. My son is gay." It was Frank's turn to stare at the step. "Alex doesn't know that I know, but it can't stay a secret much longer, especially now." Frank let his hand fall away from Jared. "I raised my boy to be his own man. I expect him to make his own choices, but I didn't anticipate this one. I hope sending him away will change things, but I don't believe it will. I'm not stupid or blind. I know he didn't choose to be gay, he just is. I don't like it, but I'm okay with it. His mother will never accept it."

"You sent him away because of his mother?" Jared's voice was incredulous.

Frank gave a short, bitter laugh. "I know it's hard to believe that the gay boyfriend who's too old for my son isn't my issue, but Jared, I've seen you with Alex. I've seen the influence you have on him and the care you take with him. My boy could do much worse. I don't know how this happened, how you happened, but I'm grateful." Frank paused.

Jared didn't say anything, just stared out at the street with his strong forearms resting on his thighs, his profile hidden from Frank by the fall of his fine auburn hair. He sat in self-possessed calm, waiting for Frank to continue. Frank admired Jared's self-control, but he wished Jared would look at him and give him an idea what he thought.

"My wife thinks Alex set the sun and the moon. She talks endlessly about a daughter-in-law and babies. She should have had a dozen kids, but we only had one. When she finds out he's gay, Alex is going to pay. There will be no daughter-wife, no grandchildren. Just her son and his partner, an embarrassment with no benefits. If you could get pregnant, all would be well." He surprised a laugh out of Jared.

"Alex knows, or at least, he suspects how she'll feel. That's why he's so afraid to come out, even though he's more comfortable in his own skin than anyone I ever met. I wondered. I thought… well, never mind what I thought. I was wrong."

Jared shrugged and finally met Frank's eyes.

"You thought it was me." Frank shook his head, "Well, for a while, I thought it might be me too. It was a nightmare when I suspected Alex was gay. Imagine my surprise when I found out for sure, and if it's not exactly okay, it's not the end of the world either. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get into all of that. You're an easy man to talk to." Frank got to his feet, ready to go. He wasn't sure what possessed him to open up to Jared that way, but it made Alex's attraction to the young man easier to understand. Jared blushed and took refuge behind his hair once more as he got up. Despite his embarrassment he met Frank's eyes again unwilling to let the chance to find out about Alex pass him by.

"He's okay?"

"Alex is fine. They don't have cell phones or free computer access, but letter writing is encouraged. I'm sure you'll hear from him as soon as he has time. Tell me; was it your idea for him to shave his head?" Frank was amused and Jared's face heated again.

"Well, yes and no, I did suggest that he should find a way to show he was cooperating under duress. I didn't have anything specific in mind when I said it. I wanted to give him something else to think about. I'm sorry about that."

Frank roared with laughter. "It was an excellent protest. His mother is still in bed with vapors. I tried to tell her that hair grows back. It may have helped, but then the tattoo sent her over the edge. It's why I'm here."

Jared frowned. "Because I sent your wife over the edge?"

"No, that's not very difficult, to be honest. I came because of
Kanji
, that's what Alex told me his tattoo is. He said that it means dignity, pride, and self respect." Frank watched Jared closely and didn't miss the flash of pride that lit the young man's blue eyes. "Alex chose to have that permanently inked into his skin, but before he did, someone took time to etch it into his heart. Thank you for being that person, Jared."

Snail Mail

Alex shuffled through the envelopes, dropping the one for his mom and then Clark into the mail box. He studied the one to his dad for a long moment before sucking in a breath and sending it down the chute after the others. The sight of Jared's name on the last one held a wealth of sensory memories. Alex remembered the way Jared smelled, the sound of his voice, and his most treasured memory, that single searing kiss. It didn't count, not really. Alex wanted a real kiss from Jared, one he knew the other man wanted too, but the brief, heated moment was all he had and Alex held it close to his heart. Alex dropped the letter into the box and headed for class.

* * * *

Alex's mom stopped at the mailbox before she turned into the driveway. She flipped through the bills and fliers half-heartedly, facing another long afternoon alone. Even before Frank had sent Alex away, her son hadn't been home a lot. He was usually off with Clark hanging out at the college and getting into heaven knew what, but there was a big difference between not a lot and never. If it wasn't for her mule-headed husband, Alex would still be home with a head full of curls and that horrid tattoo wouldn't exist. She didn't ask for a lot, but she wanted her baby to come home.

At the bottom of the stack of junk mail was a plain white envelope that she almost tossed aside with the rest, but the handwriting caught her attention. It was addressed to her, Janet Ross, and in the corner, was Alex's name. Clapping her hands like a teenager, Janet squealed, opening the letter while still sitting in the car beside the open mailbox.

Dear Mom,

I know you are worried, please try to stop. It's not bad here. I like my classes. Dad was right. They are a lot harder, no more skating through for me. I have to pay attention and do my homework. I feel like I'm learning stuff, and I guess that's good, right? I have a roommate and I think you'd like him. His name is Mike. He wants to be a lawyer. It kind of sucks for me though, because he wins all the arguments.

My hair is growing back. I know you'll be glad to know that. If I wear a collared shirt after my hair's grown out no one will ever guess I have a tattoo. That will make you happiest of all. I don't like upsetting you, mom, and I'm sorry I did. I'm going to do well at school and make you proud of me again. I can't wait to come back and eat some home cooking. The dining hall is okay but it's not home. I love you, mom, and I'll get to call next week.

Your son,

Alex

Tears in her eyes, Janet clutched the brief letter to her heart. It was a balm to her spirit knowing Alex was okay and he didn't completely hate it there. It sounded like a nice school; maybe he'd meet a girl. Smiling at the thought she parked in the driveway and left her bags in the car heading inside to read the letter again.

* * * *

Frank stared at the stark white envelope lying on his black desk blotter. Though he knew Alex would write, he didn't expect to get a letter from him at work. Anticipating a chatty 'Dear Mom and Dad' letter that reflected the surface of his life and revealed nothing of substance, he didn't know what to expect from the missive on his desk. Picking the letter up, Frank slit the top with his opener. Inside was a single crisp page covered with Alex's familiar left-handed scrawl.

Dear Dad,

I called Jared on Saturday. Don't worry, he gave me the whole 'you need to call your parents' speech and I promised mom in her letter that I'll call next Saturday. I needed some advice, that's why I called him. I asked about telling you some stuff about myself, but Jared said you already know. It's not his fault that he told me. He doesn't lie and when I asked if it would be okay to write and tell you, he told me you stopped to see him. So I guess it's okay to say it?

I'm gay.

That's the closest I've come to saying it out loud. It doesn't come up in conversation. Everyone assumes I'm straight, especially now, with the shaved head and all. I have a weird reputation for being tough and rebellious. This girl attached herself to me and is showing me the ropes. I think she wants to show me some other stuff, but so far I've managed to put her off. There's a club for gay students here, and one for straight and gay kids; they even call it The Straight Gay Alliance. I think someone watched too much
Queer as Folk
. They offer counseling too. I was surprised at first, but when Jared told me what was up, I realized something. You did it on purpose. You didn't just send me here for academics. You chose this school for everything it can offer me.

Jared was right again, he always is. He believed you were doing what you thought was best for me. I'm glad you met Jared. I hope you like him. I do. He makes me want to be better than I am. I want to annoy people by being right all the time, too. Ha, ha, Dad that was a joke. I'm plenty annoying without ever being right! You know, Jared is a lot like you. One day I will be too.

I love you Dad.

Alex

PS there's school stuff in Mom's letter at home.

Satisfaction and pride swelling his heart, Frank returned the letter back to its envelope and tucked it into the interior pocket of his sport coat. His boy was growing into a man, a damn fine one. A weight of worry evaporating from his shoulders, Frank smiled.

* * * *

A letter from Alex. Grinning, Clark shoved it into his pocket. He'd read it later. It was probably filled with Alex whining about missing Jared and how much his life sucked. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. All the guy talked about before he left was how miserable life would be without being able to see Jared. Clark was on his way to visit Jared. The idiot was convinced Alex would find his true love at his new school and moped around like someone had killed his best friend. He was Jared's self appointed cheerer-upper, determined to help Jared through Alex's absence.

"Honey, I'm home!" Clark yelled waltzing uninvited into Jared's front door.

Looking up from the letter in his hands Jared glared. "That was not a knock. Didn't we talk about this?"

"Yup, I listened and everything. That makes you special, 'cause mostly when grownups talk I hear 'blahblahblahblah'." Clark sprawled on the couch. "You got a letter too, what's it say?"

Putting the letter aside, Jared shrugged. "He misses me." The muscles in Jared's jaw bunched and he took a deep breath. "I'll get you a drink."

Frowning, Clark watched Jared enter the kitchen. He was grouchier than ever. Deciding a good TV show was in order as a distraction, Clark searched for the remote, digging deep in the sides of the recliner. Sitting silent on the table beside the chair, the letter tempted Clark to take a peek. Feeling his pocket Clark noted his own letter was fat, quite a bit more than a single page. He didn't get it; figuring Alex would blab at least as much to Jared, what with the lovey-dovey stuff and all. Unable to resist, he unfolded Jared's letter. It was a mess; the paper fibers rough and broken from an eraser, smudged with suspicious water marks, a silent testimony to Alex's insecurity.

Dear Jared,

I miss you.

Alex

Frowning, Clark refolded the letter, putting it back where he got it. The physical evidence of his friend's pain was disturbing. Clark doubted the letter in his pocket bore marks of either water or eraser. He didn't really get what was going on with Alex, not the love or the gay. Looking was one thing, he loved how girls looked, but getting all tangled up with one was something else. Clark wasn't ready for it, covering up his insecurity with loud talk and involving himself in Alex's life. Losing Alex was like losing an arm and Clark was glad Jared was there. Missing Alex was easier shared, but for the first time Clark wondered what the separation was like for them. Understanding they missed each other was different than… he touched the letter and glanced towards the kitchen door. Jared was taking a long time. Stuffing his hands into his pockets Clark went to see what he was doing.

Standing at the counter, Jared's back was to the door, his white knuckled grip on the edge seeming the only thing holding him up. The sight stopped Clark in his tracks. Not realizing he'd made any noise he was surprised when Jared turned to face him. Written in Jared's eyes was the naked truth of what it cost him to let Alex go. A tear escaped his tight control, tracking his cheek. Crossing the room Clark wrapped him in a tight hug before he realized what his own intentions were.

"He's coming back," Clark's voice broke. Jared hugged Clark tight before ruffling his hair and stepping away. Jared's returning smile was a shadow of its normal self, but comforting for Clark to see.

"Of course he is. He'll be back before we know it. Let's go get something to eat and catch a movie."

Clark hesitated, wanting to go home to read his letter but suspecting Jared's composure was a thin façade, he grinned. "Sounds great, but we better not eat at the Greasy Dog again, my mom has been bitching about how I eat."

"No problem. We'll hit Joe's Crab Shack. Sound good to you?" Jared asked, grabbing his keys and his jacket.

"You buy dinner and I'll get the movie. Do you think I can have lobster at Joe's?" He ducked the predictable swat Jared took at the back of his head.

"You can have whatever you want, I'll eat my weight in movie popcorn and you'll be in debt for a year."

Groaning in faked dismay, Clark pretended he didn't notice the forced sound of Jared's laugh. Whistling, Clark followed Jared out the door. The two didn't have much in common. Clark didn't really like seafood and Jared's favorite kind of movies weren't the stupid comedies Clark loved, but sharing Alex was enough to forge a friendship.

"Just for that I'm gonna get the twenty pounder and drown it in butter." Clark threatened.

This time Jared's laugh was real.

* * * *

Dude,

You'd love this school. There are some really hot girls here. One even adopted me; she's showing me the ropes. She's got tits to make you drool. I swear, man, none of the girls at home have boobs like her. She keeps leaning them on me. I wonder if it's a test. I think I failed. You can ask Jared for me, is it bad if boobs on my arm make my dick hard? I don't know man, sometimes I think I'll screw a girl just so I can get laid. I know gay, right? But the guys are just not happening. I went out a couple times. I know Jared wants me to, but I give up. They all act like you, haha.

Do good boobs make up for hard work? If not, maybe you wouldn't like it so much. They work our butts off. I've never had to think so hard in my life. Even the math is hard. I dream about it. Numbers dance around in my dreams doing obscene things to each other. They expect numbers to fit together in ways I've never thought about. I'd explain but I can see your eyes glazing from here.

It's really not bad here, Clark. If you were here it'd even be fun. We could go to the gay support group together and I'd introduce you to Boobs. Did you get laid yet? If you did, or do, you better write me right away. I can't believe we're both still virgins. It's not right.

The letter went on for two more pages and it wasn't until the end that Alex broke down and asked about Jared.

I miss him, Clark. Every single second. I knew it was going to be bad, I told you so. I didn't know it would be this bad. I didn't know, and I'm scared when I write to him. I don't know what to say. If I say too much he'll just do that Jared thing. You know the one, where he's so old and I'm so young and we can't be like that together. I'm afraid if I don't say enough that he'll think I forgot about him. That I moved on or some stupid crap. It's horrible. Then I have time alone to think about him and remember and it's wonderful again. I'm so confused and it hurts so much, but there's Jared and it's worth it.

God, Clark, get laid, but whatever you do, don't fall in love.

Later dude,

Alex