Out of Breath (4 page)

‘He’s not my type.’

‘Wait, are you talking about the guy you’ve been trying to set her up with for like forever?’ Meg clarified.

‘Uh, I just met him at the New Year’s party,’ I countered.

‘But I’ve been wanting you to meet him for way longer.’
Peyton sighed. ‘I need an in with Tom, and they’re never apart, so I figured you’d be a good fit for Cole.’

‘You obviously don’t know me very well.’

‘Come on,’ Peyton said, sulking. ‘Cole is
everyone’s
type.’ She eyed Serena in contemplation and corrected with, ‘Well … except for Serena. He’s lacking the freak factor.’

‘Fuck you, Peyton,’ Serena bit back.

Meg laughed at their banter. They were always throwing snide comments back and forth. I sometimes wondered if they liked each other at all.

‘Seriously, Em,’ Peyton continued. ‘He’s gorgeous. He’s intelligent. He’s a surfer.’

‘I don’t go for the surfer type. Just drop it – okay?’ I felt a sudden twist in my chest and swallowed the last of the alcoholic grape soda to be rid of it. ‘Um, I could use another drink. Anyone else?’

‘I’ll go with you,’ Serena offered, leading me towards another apartment. ‘She’s just being selfish as usual,’ she consoled. ‘Don’t let her force you.’

‘I’m fine,’ I said quietly.

I waited for Serena on the balcony while she got our drinks. I kept scanning the crowd around me, fearful of running into Gev again. She returned a few minutes later and handed me a red plastic cup.

‘Jack and Coke,’ Serena explained.

I took a sip, and my stomach lit up. ‘Whoa.’ I shivered. ‘That’s strong.’

‘Sorry.’ Serena grimaced. ‘I didn’t make it. Do you hate it?’

‘It’s not my favourite,’ I admitted as my mouth filled with saliva, ‘but I’ll drink it.’

We noticed Peyton and Meg dancing in a crowd by the pool.

‘Great,’ Serena grumbled and directed me to stand on the outskirts where it was less crowded. I leaned against the rough exterior of the building, under the overhang of the balcony, slowly sipping the Jack with a touch of Coke. The Tickle was turning into a slightly dizzying haze.

‘Someday we’ll go to a party where there’ll be music
we
can dance to,’ Serena promised. ‘This music is shit.’ I laughed.

Two guys came up behind Meg and Peyton, pressing up against them and putting their hands on the girls’ hips. Peyton turned around with a flirtatious smile and swung her arms around the guy’s neck. Meg scooted away from the other guy, and he eventually got the message and disappeared into the crowd. I grinned in amusement.

‘I’m getting another drink,’ Serena announced. ‘Will you be okay here, or do you want to come with me?’

The party was now at capacity, and I didn’t want to fight through the crowd. ‘I’ll wait.’

‘Don’t go anywhere,’ Serena stressed. I nodded and took another sip. She glanced back a few times on her way up the stairs, making me roll my eyes.

‘I found you,’ Gev announced, appearing in front of me out of nowhere. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I froze, not returning the kiss. He pulled back, confused. ‘Are you mad at me?’

‘Uh, no,’ I responded, not expecting the question.

‘Is it because I passed out on you last time?’ he con
tinued. ‘You know, before we could have sex. I promise not to drink that much tonight.’

My breath stilled, and I stared at him.
We didn’t have sex. Oh. Dear. God. We
didn’t
have sex!

‘No, that’s not it,’ I said, feeling my shoulders ease up. ‘I just think you got the wrong impression.’

‘Ah.’ Gev nodded in understanding. ‘You’re not that into me.’

‘I’m not into
anyone
,’ I stressed, not wanting it to sound so harsh. ‘Don’t take it personally.’

‘Not a problem.’ He shrugged. He really didn’t take it personally – he honestly didn’t seem to care at all. ‘Well, have fun, and if you ever need to relieve some of that tension, find me.’

‘Uh, will do,’ I responded flatly, watching him walk away.

‘Oh shit, Em,’ Serena groaned. ‘I’m sorry! I totally forgot about Fuckhead. What happened?’

‘We didn’t have sex,’ I told her.

‘Well … obviously,’ she replied. ‘I mean you’re in the middle of a party.’ Then she examined me. ‘Oh! You meant … before?’

I nodded. I’d held on to the guilt so tightly, I was having difficulty letting it go. But I couldn’t deny I felt a hell of a lot lighter learning it had never happened. Or maybe the Jack was starting to kick in. I spotted Meg still dancing along the pool’s edge and smirked.

‘Watch this,’ I said to Serena, dropping the empty cup on the concrete and shimmying my way towards Meg. Her back was towards me as I glided up behind her. Just as I was within reach, she turned towards me and
smiled. Then she saw the devilish gleam in my eyes and her mouth opened in surprise as I pushed her over the edge of the pool. Just as I let out a triumphant laugh, she grabbed my wrist and we both crashed through the water’s surface.

‘This makes us even,’ Meg sputtered, blowing water from her lips and grabbing the pool’s edge.

‘For now,’ I jeered.

Everyone was looking at us, some in amusement, others in annoyance. When we dragged our wet bodies from the pool, we discovered Peyton glaring at us with her arms crossed. ‘Let’s go,’ she snapped. ‘They’re kicking us out.’

‘Why?’ Meg laughed in confusion. ‘Because we were in the pool?’

Peyton released an exasperated sigh and stormed off towards the gate.

‘I guess the building manager doesn’t care about the parties,’ Serena explained with a smile, ‘but he doesn’t want to put any extra effort into cleaning the pool, so no one’s allowed in during the parties.’

The crowd parted to let us pass, staring and snickering. When we made it to the sidewalk, we heard the announcement, ‘No one is allowed in the pool! If anyone else goes in, the party’s over.’

Meg and I started laughing.

‘Well, you definitely made an impression,’ Serena said, laughing alongside us.

‘I can’t believe you did that,’ Peyton scolded. ‘You promised!’

‘
Meg
promised,’ I countered. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t get
your car wet. Do you still have the trash bags in your trunk?’

‘Of course,’ Peyton said, annoyed. ‘I still can’t believe you got us kicked out.’

As we were peeling off our wet jeans and socks to place them in the trash bag, Serena announced, ‘So, good news! Emma never slept with the sleazebag!’

‘What?!’ Meg and Peyton shot out in unison.

‘He passed out before it happened,’ I explained, averting my eyes.

‘I don’t understand,’ Peyton said, shaking her head. ‘How did you not
know
?’

I looked at her without understanding what she was asking.

‘I mean, couldn’t you feel that you didn’t?’ She sighed. ‘Wow, Em. You’re seriously clueless.’

‘Peyton!’ Meg reprimanded as we entered the car.

‘I’ve only had sex once,’ I defended. ‘I had no idea I was supposed to be
sore
every time.’

This made them all laugh. ‘Not …
sore
,’ Serena tried to explain. ‘But you definitely can tell when someone has trespassed.’

‘Serena!’ Meg said, her mouth dropped open. ‘That sounds so … awful.’

‘I get it,’ I stated quietly, not wanting to reflect upon my first time any more than I wanted to think about what I’d
almost
done with Gev.

‘Oh, by the way, Em – I gave Cole your number,’ Peyton announced. Everyone in the car was suddenly quiet.

‘What the fuck, Peyton!’

A
S MY HANDS SEARCHED BLINDLY UNDER
the bed for the shoe I’d been frantically trying to find, I caught a glimpse of a photo half hidden beneath my nightstand. I remained on my knees, staring at
his face
, unable to touch it.

I’d taken this picture. We were in the woods behind his house. I’d stolen his camera away from him and started to snap pictures of him. He’d always been the one behind the camera, so he was a reluctant subject. He chased after me, trying to get the camera back. The image was a black and white photo of his hand reaching for the camera. But I could see his eyes behind his outstretched fingers. They were grey and translucent on the paper; there was a shine to them, reflecting light. He was smiling. I didn’t have to see the rest of his face to know that.

I love that picture.
My heart squeezed tight as his voice whispered to me, reminding me of just how much I missed him.

I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything since I’d left him in that house. But now I was barraged with more
emotion than I could handle. And I was finding it impossible to breathe.

‘Emma, you ready to …’ Serena’s voice faded away.

I forced myself to exhale, to find the strength to look away from the image.

‘Yeah.’ My voice cracked as I stood on unsteady legs. ‘I’m ready.’

Serena studied my face when I turned towards her. Her eyes flicked to the picture on the floor, but she didn’t say anything. I pushed out another breath and stilled the quake of my hands by clenching them into tight fists.

Shoving my foot in my shoe, I tied the laces hastily and said with a forced smile, ‘Let’s go.’ The black hole of emptiness that had protected me all of this time refused to shroud me in its shadows like I needed it to. I couldn’t shut everything off any more.

The contemplative look in Serena’s eyes disappeared with a blink. Her face lit up with a wide smile. ‘Okay, c’mon!’

When we arrived at the club, there was already a line of eager fans forming along the sidewalk.

‘Hey, Guy,’ Serena greeted the bouncer with bright eyes. He stood without expression in front of the entrance, his muscles heaving beneath a shirt that looked like it was about to burst. He was primed for ass-kicking.

‘Serena,’ he acknowledged and stepped to the side to allow us to enter. There were groans behind us as we slipped though the front doors.

Serena liked to arrive early to watch the last-minute bustling as the club prepared for the show. She also wanted to see James before he had to take his post in front of the stage.

He found us at our usual spot, seated on the crushed
velvet couch on the second level. He sat between us and leaned into the crook of Serena’s arm after he kissed her hello.

‘James, will you let Emma stage dive tonight?’ Serena asked, stroking his smooth-shaven head affectionately.

‘You really want to stage dive?’ he asked me with a sceptical crooked grin. ‘Girls usually get groped when they do that. It’s not pretty. And then I may have to fuck the douchebags up.’

‘Maybe not then,’ I replied. Desperate to try anything that would allow me to breathe again, I hadn’t considered the groping part of stage diving. I figured adrenaline was a better choice than alcohol. If I couldn’t be numb, I could at least get my heart pumping to temporarily dull the pain. But having strangers fondle me didn’t sound very appealing. I slumped back into the couch.

‘What if she falls backwards?’ Serena suggested. I jerked my head up at this option.

‘You can try. Not many people do that because they can’t see who’s going to catch them, and it’s a trust issue. Your ass will definitely be grabbed no matter what. Why don’t you crowd-surf so you don’t have to fall?’

I considered it, but knew that wouldn’t be the same. ‘I need to fall,’ I explained. ‘And I can live with the ass-grabbing.’

James wrinkled his forehead in confusion. ‘Why do you want to do it?’

‘Because I can’t breathe,’ I stated flatly. Their eyes steadied on me.

James released a laugh, shaking his head. ‘I don’t get you. Is that why you don’t go out with guys, because you’re –’

‘James!’ Serena scolded, smacking the back of his head with the palm of her hand.

‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ he said defensively. ‘She’s just … different, that’s all. It’s not a bad thing.’ He turned towards me. ‘You know I think you’re cool. But I still don’t get you.’ Serena eyes tightened at his honesty.

‘It’s okay,’ I replied, unaffected. ‘I don’t get me either.’ James grinned.

‘They’re about to let in the masses,’ he reported, his hand covering his earpiece so he could hear better. ‘I need to go. I’ll see you after the show.’ He kissed Serena and walked off towards his post.

‘Are you really going to fall backwards off the stage?’ Serena questioned, her dark eyes scanning mine.

I looked away. ‘Yeah.’ My heart skipped a beat at the thought of it, countering the pain for a split second. I
needed
to do this, to feel something, anything else.

‘Maybe we should do a few shots,’ she suggested. ‘That way if you hit the floor you won’t feel it.’ She left and approached the bar along the side wall, talked to the girls attending it for a few minutes, and returned with two brimming shot glasses rimmed with sugar and two lemon wedges.

I hadn’t
planned
on drinking. But in order to get up on that stage –

‘To breathing!’ Serena raised her shot glass to mine. My chest tightened with her words. I clicked her glass and threw back the shot, swallowing it as I’d seen done so many times in my life. I coughed in protest, and my body shuddered. The lemon did a little to cut the distinct vodka bite. My stomach ignited as the alcohol seeped into its walls.

‘Didn’t love that,’ I admitted, puckering my lips at the sourness of the lemon.

‘It gets easier,’ she promised, smiling softly. I had a feeling she wasn’t talking about the shot. ‘Let’s find a good spot in front of the stage before it gets too crowded.’ She leapt up from the couch and pulled me after her.

Serena fed me a few more shots as we listened to the opening act. I kept thinking I was fine, that the alcohol wasn’t really taking effect. But I honestly couldn’t tell.

The headliner took the stage, and the crowd squeezed in around us. We jumped to each song, rocking our heads and pumping our fists in the air. Serena appeared with another shot. I was so lost in the music, I hadn’t even noticed she’d disappeared.

‘This is it, Em!’ she yelled as she held up the shot. ‘It’s now or never!’ We tossed the liquid back easily – I seemed to have acquired a taste for it.

Serena shouted encouragement as I walked towards James. Without a hint of emotion, he nodded his head slightly, letting me know the stage was all mine. My heart thrust to life, and my body buzzed with nerves. He murmured, ‘Good luck’, just before I hopped onto the platform.

I shuffled to the centre of the stage and saw a few people pointing at me out of the corner of my eye. Another bouncer from the opposite side started moving towards me, and I knew I didn’t have much time. If I was going to do this, I had to do it fast. My breath quickened. I could feel the adrenaline pump through me until everything else was gone, and it was all I could feel.

I turned my back to the audience, hoping they had their arms outstretched behind me. The lead singer continued
belting out the lyrics. I glanced at him as his eyes twitched curiously. I grinned at him ever so slightly … and I fell back.

My stomach opened up, and I let out an excited yell. Hands gripped, jostled and guided me across the crowd. Music bellowed around me. People hollered beneath me as I passed over them. The lights flew by in a blur of colour. I rode along the turbulent sea of hands until I was gently lowered to my feet. I stood in the spot for a moment, orienting myself as faces flashed before me. The crowd rocked in unison, their energy gliding over my skin like a hot breeze.

I thrust my arm in the air, bellowing out the lyrics while jumping with the crowd. Serena burst through the bodies and screamed, ‘That was so fucking awesome!’ We leapt side by side until we were drenched in sweat, and there was no more music to keep us on our feet.

We collapsed on our couch as everyone filed out. I had a permanent smile on my face, and all that pulsed through me was elation. The room swirled, and images shifted before my eyes. I blinked heavily, having a hard time holding my head steady.

‘I’m going to find James and get us some water,’ Serena told me. I think I nodded. If I didn’t, I meant to.

A moment later, the couch jostled beside me. I flopped my head to the side and found a lean guy with tightly trimmed deep auburn hair and a chin capped with a buzz of whiskers.

I smiled. Or maybe I hadn’t stopped.

‘Hi,’ he said, throwing his arm along the couch above my head. ‘I’m Aiden.’

‘Hey, Aiden,’ I greeted loudly. ‘I’m Emma.’

‘Emma, you shouldn’t be sitting here all by yourself. You need to come to a party with me and my friends.’

‘I do?’ I laughed.

‘Yes, you do,’ he confirmed with a charming smile.

‘I’m waiting for my friend,’ I explained. ‘I don’t know where she is.’ I couldn’t remember where Serena had disappeared to. The fog in my head was too thick to recall her words. ‘But then we’ll go … with you … to the party.’ I smiled again – or I continued to.

‘You’re cute,’ he said, scooting in a little closer.

‘You’re not so bad yourself,’ my mouth said. He leaned over and thanked my mouth with a kiss, and I let him. I realized again that I couldn’t feel his lips. Or maybe it was my lips I couldn’t feel. I really needed to figure that out. I realized I was drunk. And I was okay with that too.

‘Emma!’

Aiden pulled back. I was confused by his retreat, and when I opened my eyes, Serena was standing in front of me. She looked mad. Why was she mad?

‘Serena!’ I yelled enthusiastically. ‘There you are! This is Aiden. We’re going to a party with him.’

‘Hi,’ he said.

‘Uh, no we’re not,’ she snipped. Wow. She was
really
mad. ‘Get lost, Aiden.’

Aiden pushed up from the couch. ‘See you later, Emma.’ And then he disappeared.

‘Where’s he going?’ I asked in confusion.

‘Who cares,’ Serena muttered. ‘Let’s go home, Emma.’

‘Are you mad at me, Serena?’ I asked, my smile lost.

‘No, Em,’ she sighed. ‘I just screwed up and fed you too many shots. You’re drunk, and you need to go to bed.’

‘Yeah, I’m tired.’

I felt dizzy on the ride home, so I kept my eyes shut,
but everything kept spinning. I pressed my head against the window, begging for it to stop. And then we did.

‘Em, we’re home,’ Serena announced.

‘Huh?’ I tried to lift my head, but it was so heavy. I blinked my eyes open as Serena appeared next to me by the open door. I stumbled to the front porch, leaning into her. My feet were clumsy, almost as bad as my head.

‘Help me,’ Serena said.

‘I’m trying,’ I muttered.

‘How did this happen?’ Meg asked. Her arm slid around me.

‘My fault,’ Serena said. I followed the stairs up to my room, but I wasn’t sure if my legs were moving.

‘There you go, Em,’ Meg said as I felt the pillow cradle my head.

‘I fell off the stage,’ I told Meg, my tongue lazy and uncooperative.

‘You did what?’

‘She did a backwards stage dive,’ Serena clarified.

My eyes wouldn’t stay open, so I couldn’t see Meg’s reaction. There was a tornado in my brain that kept the room spinning beneath my lids. I groaned and flopped my arm over my eyes to try to keep myself pinned down.

‘Just get some sleep,’ Meg said, pulling a blanket over me.

When I woke the next day, my head was trying to split itself in half. Serena was overly apologetic, claiming she’d been so nervous about my stage dive that she thought she was helping take the edge off with the shots. I couldn’t connect the logic of how getting
me
drunk helped
her
nerves, but the knife plunged into my head distracted me from arguing the point. I vowed to never drink again … again.