Out of Breath (5 page)

I
FELT A PRESENCE HOVERING ABOVE ME AS
I bent over my Anatomy book with music blasting in my ears. I raised my head to find Cole standing across the communal table. I eyed him curiously, not expecting to see him standing across from me after I’d ditched him … twice.

I removed my earbuds without a word and looked at him in expectation.

‘How’s the list of new things coming along?’ he whispered. ‘That was an impressive stage dive at The Grove a couple of weeks ago.’

‘You were there?’ I wasn’t certain I liked that he’d witnessed the next thing on my list. The list that hadn’t existed before I’d met him. ‘I didn’t figure you for the type to like that kind of music.’

‘I’m pretty open to anything,’ he answered casually. ‘Can’t always judge by appearances.’

It was true. I
had
judged him the moment I saw him. ‘I’m surprised you’re talking to me.’

‘Me too,’ he replied. ‘I didn’t call you for a reason after
Peyton gave me your number. A guy can only get blown off so many times before taking a hint.’

‘So, why are you talking to me now?’

‘Maybe a part of me is convinced you’re not a total bitch,’ he answered, his eyes crinkling wryly.

‘Just most of me.’ My mouth quirked slightly.

‘Well, I’ll let you get back to studying. I think my time’s about up.’ He adjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder and turned to leave.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Before you walk away – it’s usually about now.’ He gave me a crooked smile.

‘Nice,’ I smirked.

Cole strode away without another comment, or a goodbye. I found myself following the untucked white T-shirt that hugged the contours of his muscular back until he was out of sight. I shook off the distraction, replaced the earbuds and dived back into studying the ventricles of the heart without giving him another thought. Mostly.

I was packing up my laptop to head to the library and finish typing my Sociology paper when my phone rang. I noted the California listing on the screen and was prepared for a wrong number.

‘Hi. It’s Cole.’

My lips twitched in amusement. ‘I thought you weren’t going to use my number,’ I teased.

‘I decided to take a chance,’ he responded. ‘Not sure why, but I’m calling you anyway.’

I released an offended laugh. ‘Well, maybe I should let you go then.’

‘Wait,’ he said quickly. ‘Don’t hang up.’

‘I’m not much of a phone talker. And I’m on my way to the library.’

‘It’s Saturday night.’ He sounded confused. ‘Why aren’t you going out?’

‘Despite my resolution to try new things, I really don’t party much,’ I told him. ‘You just happened to be at every party and show I went to this year.’

‘Lucky me,’ he replied, making me scrunch my forehead and wonder why I hadn’t hung up on him yet. ‘Meet me out.’

‘What?’ I was stunned by the directness of his statement, like he was telling me versus asking. ‘Did you not hear the part about going to the library?’

‘Meet me on your way,’ he proposed. ‘Fifteen minutes, that’s it.’

I drew in a deep breath while considering his request. ‘Okay.’

‘You’re not going to blow me off, are you?’ he asked bluntly. I stifled a laugh.

‘No, I won’t blow you off.’

‘I’m at Joe’s.’

He hung up. The abruptness of it left me staring at the
Call Ended
time flashing on my screen. Why had I agreed to this? Glancing at my image in the mirror, I shrugged, not bothering to make an effort before slipping my canvas flip-flops on my feet. I really wasn’t concerned if this guy saw me without make-up and wearing a holey T-shirt and cargo pants. I zipped up my hoodie before heading towards the stairs.

Peyton peeked out of her room, her hair in hot curlers. ‘Where are you going?’

‘To Joe’s, then the library,’ I answered without looking back as I tromped down the stairs.

‘Why are you going to Joe’s?’

‘To meet Cole,’ I hollered back, before closing the door behind me.

It was past the dinner rush when I entered the sports bar, and way too early for the college drinkers. Various sizes of flat-screen TVs suspended at every angle broadcasted different athletic events to the virtually empty room. Cole was poised on a stool at the bar, watching a college basketball game on the large screen. I sat down next him without a word, my eyes on the TV.

‘Wow, you’re here,’ he gawked, shifting towards me.

‘Fifteen minutes,’ I reminded him, inspiring the return of that crooked grin.

‘Fair enough.’ He took a sip of the beer he had clasped between his hands, and I remained quiet, watching the game. ‘Oh, you’re still going to make me do all the talking, huh?’ he noted with a chuckle.

‘I’ll talk. But you’ll probably be disappointed, because I don’t have a lot to reveal.’

‘If you’re too boring, I just won’t call you again.’ One side of his mouth curled up when I raised my eyebrows in offence.

‘I’m anything but boring,’ I retorted, focused on his clear blue eyes.

‘I had a feeling,’ he murmured, not breaking the connection. I redirected my gaze back to the game, even though I had no idea who was playing and couldn’t concentrate enough to figure out who was winning. I fidgeted
on the stool and tried to contain the impulse to get up and walk out the door, knowing it was what I
should
do.

‘So, have you thought about the next new thing to add to your list?’

‘Um …’ I cast my eyes towards the ceiling in thought and said the first thing that came into my head. ‘Skinny-dipping.’ Granted, I’d never had the desire to strip out of my clothes and swim before, but I hadn’t done it yet – so I blurted it without considering whether I would.

‘You don’t have anything small on your list, do you? It’s all or nothing?’

All in, huh?

A hot spear shot through my chest as his words echoed a voice from my past.

‘That’s the point,’ I responded calmly, despite the tension along my back.

Cole chuckled with a small shake of his head. Evidently he found me entertaining. ‘As long as you don’t go skinny-dipping at a party – that would be a little too much.’

‘That’s not my style.’

‘But jumping in the pool completely clothed is?’

‘I wasn’t supposed to get pulled in,’ I explained. ‘But I had a little too much to drink, and I wasn’t fast enough when she grabbed me.’

‘So, you
were
pushing your room-mate in?’ he clarified. I nodded.

He laughed. ‘You’re crazy.’

‘Yeah, I think am.’

Cole held the amused expression on his face for a moment longer, and then he noticed that I wasn’t joking.
His eyebrows pulled together. ‘You’re serious?’ I shrugged in admission.

I stood from my stool. This seemed like the best time to make my exit – he was way too intrigued.

Cole looked at his watch. ‘Uh, we still have six minutes.’

‘Not any more,’ I replied and headed towards the door with a committed stride. I thought I heard him let out an exasperated breath, or it could’ve been the air in my lungs that I’d been holding in since I sat down. I shouldn’t have come here to begin with. I’d hoped I could convince him that I wasn’t worth his time. Not even fifteen minutes of it.

‘You promised fifteen minutes,’ he declared, jogging up next to me on the sidewalk.

‘Wow, you’re either the most stubbornly determined person I’ve ever met, or you love the abuse. Because I know it’s not my charming personality.’

The corner of his mouth lifted. ‘I think it’s morbid curiosity, because no, you’re not all that pleasant to be around.’

I sighed in exasperation. ‘I don’t understand you.’

‘What do you want to know?’ he offered, seeming sincere. ‘I’ll tell you anything.’

I quickened my pace towards my car.

‘Walk with me,’ he suggested. ‘For’ – he glanced at his watch – ‘another four and a half minutes.’

‘Fine. I’ll feed into your twisted curiosity and give you your four minutes,’ I said sharply. ‘Tell me something about you worth knowing.’

‘Worth knowing? Wow, that’s pressure,’ he pondered. As I glanced at my watch he blurted out: ‘I surf.’

‘And that was more predictable than the sun rising every day,’ I scoffed. ‘Is there anything you do that most of the state doesn’t?’

‘Well, I’m not exactly adrenaline-driven like you,’ he countered. ‘I don’t live my life in quest of the next adventure; sorry to disappoint.’

He should have been pissed off. He should have turned around and told me to fuck off. But he didn’t. He was seriously considering my question. He stopped along the sidewalk, next to a house with an ill-fated garden.

‘Umm … okay.’ He paused in contemplation. ‘I listen to silence.’ With this, he started walking again. I stared after him. At first I thought he was antagonizing me with his cryptic response, but then it struck me that he was serious. I caught up with him.

‘I’m pretty good at it too. It might have something to do with having four sisters and never getting a word in. I became a sort of expert at listening to what no one said. I could tell when my older sister was fighting with her boyfriend, or when my younger sister was mad at my mother, or when my youngest sister was frustrated when she couldn’t run as fast as she wanted to in track. I knew my parents were getting a divorce way before it happened, even though my sisters swear they had no idea.’ Cole stopped and turned to face me. ‘I listen to silence. And you –’ his mouth pulled into a smirk – ‘you have a lot to say. Although I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet.’

My brow creased as I stared back into the depths of his eyes. I
didn’t
have anything to say. I didn’t want to be this puzzle he was trying to solve, or
listen
to.

‘Time’s up,’ I announced, starting back towards my car. Something stirred inside me, something I wasn’t comfortable with.

Cole jogged to catch up. ‘I think we should hang out again,’ he concluded as he followed me down the sidewalk.

‘You do? Why? Wasn’t this disastrous enough?’

He just laughed in response.

‘I promise not to delve into what makes your silence so loud, if you promise not to walk out on me.’

I should have said no. I should have kept walking and let him go on with his life, without my interference. But I didn’t.

I crossed my arms and released an impatient breath. ‘Fine. Let’s see how interesting you really are.’

He shook his head with a wry grin before replying. ‘You’re not going to pressure me into coming up with something crazy to do. We’ll just hang out – plain and simple.’

‘I will limit my expectations,’ I goaded.

He ignored my remark and said, ‘I won’t be around much, since I have a big paper due next week. But how about after?’

‘Maybe I’ll see you at the library. I pretty much live there.’ I stopped walking, and he eyed me curiously. ‘Uh, I can make it to my car from here.’

‘Right. Time’s up.’ He turned in the opposite direction and walked away without saying goodbye … again.

Cole didn’t say anything when he pulled the chair away from the table and sat across from me in the library the
next night. I looked over the top of my laptop as he began pulling books out of his backpack, then returned my attention to the screen and kept typing.

He didn’t acknowledge me in any way, just concentrated on his work. This continued throughout the week. Each night I’d sit at the same table, and he’d sit across from me. I wouldn’t have known he was there at all except that his hair was so shockingly blond that it would catch my eye as he bent over his books, taking notes. We didn’t talk, or attempt conversation. When he was done, he’d close up his books and leave without saying a word – it was a little strange, but I dismissed it easily enough.

‘Do you want to get something to eat?’ he whispered across to me on Friday. I was calculating a Statistics problem and erasing – a lot. I hated Statistics.

Shocked to hear his voice, I glanced up into translucent blue eyes that awaited my answer.

‘Are you hungry? I’m getting something to eat, and was asking if you’d like to come along.’

‘I’m not quite done. I need to stay a little longer.’ I bent over my notebook and figured he’d walk away like he usually did.

‘How about tomorrow?’ he persisted. I raised my eyes inquisitively, wary of his motives.

‘I don’t date.’

‘I wasn’t asking you on a
date
,’ he clarified, his neck turning slightly red. ‘I was just asking you to get something to
eat
– you need to eat, right?’

‘That I do.’ I deliberated. ‘But no, I don’t want to get something to eat with you tomorrow.’

‘Are you trying to be cruel, or is it just me?’

‘It’s just you.’ I continued to work out the math equation in front of me.

When he remained silent, I looked up to find him watching me intently. His eyes narrowed in on me for a silent moment, as if trying to read whether I was sincerely messing with him. Then he stood up to walk away.

I let out a breath and said, ‘Fine. I’ll meet you at The Alley at seven tomorrow night … for food.’

‘Yeah, just food.’ His annoying crooked smile now flustered me because I had no idea what it meant. I found myself looking after him as he walked around the corner. I couldn’t be cruel enough to make him stay away, but I was certain that he should. I bowed my head and returned to the misery of my assignment.

M
Y EARS PICKED UP THE MUSICAL CHIME
coming from my nightstand before my brain could understand what it was hearing. I hit the snooze button, but the notes continued. I squinted an eye open to peer at the clock. It was after three in the morning. The chiming stopped, and I fell back into my pillow.

My phone started ringing again, insistent that I pick it up. I groaned and grappled with the device, pulling it in front of my face.

‘Sara?’ I grumbled, my voice still lost in the world of sleep.

‘Emma!’ she sobbed, her voice broken and full of pain. I bolted upright.

‘Sara, what is it?’ I demanded urgently, sitting in the dark of my room with my heart pounding. I tried to remain patient as I heard her strain to catch her breath. ‘Sara, please tell me.’

‘He’s engaged!’ she screamed in piercing agony. My
entire body stilled. A moment passed, and all I could hear were her deafening cries.

‘Who’s engaged?’ I whispered, knowing the answer.

‘Jared,’ she whimpered. She collapsed into something that muffled her cries. I waited until she finally said, ‘I saw it … in
The
Times
…’

And then there was nothing.

‘Sara?’ My phone displayed the lost connection message. ‘Shit.’ I dialled her back, only to hear the blaring of a busy signal. Frustrated and still confused, I pushed my blankets back, flipping on the bedside lamp.

I tried to call her back again, but was blocked by the same bleeping signal. I scrambled to my desk and booted up my laptop.

I searched ‘Mathews’ and ‘New York Times’ and was directed to a link. The page opened to the engagement section of
The
Times
, featuring a large black-and-white photo of Jared and a girl. I stared at the screen in disbelief.

It wasn’t a professionally posed engagement photo. They were surrounded by formally dressed people at some kind of function. The photographer captured an image of them walking hand in hand. Jared was grinning slightly, while the girl next to him was simply glowing, with a vibrant, open-mouthed laugh. Her dark eyes twinkled, even in the colourless image. Her brown hair was swept up into a loose style, with elegant wisps framing her undeniably stunning face. She held a hand up, as if to cover her laugh, and there it was … the ring. A
huge
square diamond on her left hand.

I couldn’t focus on the words announcing their
engagement. I didn’t care when they were getting married. I didn’t even care what her name was. Sara’s heart was being torn out of her chest in another country, without me there to console her. I called back again, and just as the phone started to ring, my eyes shifted. And I saw Evan
.

He was in the background, within the crowd of partygoers. Most of his face was cut from the picture, though with the distinct structure of his jaw and the sharp lines of his mouth, there was no denying it was him. I did, however, have a full view of the girl draped around his left arm. It was hard to forget the detestably smug grin of Catherine Jacobs, the same girl who’d practically thrown herself at him at the dinner we’d attended years ago at her parents’ house. She looked very comfortable on his arm, like she thought she belonged there.

‘Emma?’ Sara answered. ‘Are you there?’ But I could barely hear her.

My insides had fallen into a bottomless pit, and my throat had closed up.

‘Emma?’

I dropped the phone and rushed to the bathroom, crashing the door against the wall, just in time to reach the toilet before expelling the contents of my stomach. I broke out into a cold sweat, gripping the rim of the seat tightly as my entire body convulsed.

‘Emma?’ Meg’s soothing voice came from the open door of the bathroom. ‘Are you okay?’ Then I heard her say, ‘She’s here, Sara. But she’s sick.’

‘No,’ I coughed, shaking my head. ‘No, I’m here.’ I dropped the tissue that I’d used to wipe my mouth into the toilet before closing the lid and flushing it. I flopped
onto the floor with my back against the wall, my muscles trembling as if I were sitting outside in the middle of a snowstorm. ‘Let me talk to her.’ I reached out my unsteady hand.

Meg studied me for a moment, then stepped into the small bathroom and handed me her phone. She didn’t leave when I put it to my ear, opting to sit on the edge of the bathtub.

‘Sara?’ I rasped, my throat raw. ‘I’m so sorry.’ I ran the back of my hand across my upper lip, clearing the ledge of sweat. I couldn’t stop shaking. My shirt was damp, and my hair was plastered to my face like I’d just woken up from a nightmare. But I was very much awake.

‘You saw,’ she whispered knowingly.

‘Yeah,’ I returned quietly. ‘I wish I were there, with you.’

‘Me too,’ she whimpered. My eyes blurred. Hot tears streaked down my cold, clammy skin.

‘But I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Just close your eyes, and it will be like I’m right there next to you. We’re facing each other, and I’m holding your hand. I’m there, Sara.’

‘I don’t understand,’ she cried. ‘I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. Why did I have to see it in the fucking newspaper?’ She released a scream full of anger and pain. I remained silent. ‘He knew I’d see it. He knew how much it would kill me.’ Her voice cracked, and she broke into heart-crushing sobs. I closed my eyes, and tears continued to cascade down my face.

I’d almost forgotten Meg was in the bathroom with me until I felt her hand in mine. I laid my head on her shoulder and listened to Sara cry. My back ached from holding
in my own sobs. But I couldn’t do that to her. She needed me. I had to push away my pain so there was room enough for hers.

‘Emma?’ she whispered.

‘I’m still here,’ I answered softly. ‘I just don’t know what to say.’

‘You don’t have to say anything,’ she replied, sniffling. ‘Stay on the phone with me, okay?’

‘For as long as you need me,’ I promised.

‘Emma,’ Meg beckoned to me, pulling back my thin veil of sleep. I blinked my eyes and realized I still had the phone to my ear, but it was quiet on the other end. I sat up from Meg’s lap and stretched. My neck felt contorted and cramped.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered.

‘It’s okay.’ Meg stretched her hands over her head and yawned. ‘I fell asleep too.’

‘What time is it?’ I asked, slowly pushing myself off the bathroom floor.

‘Almost seven,’ she groaned, standing too. I handed back her phone. ‘I’m going to bed. Em, will you be okay?’ I blinked at her through bleary, bloodshot eyes.

‘I’m fine,’ I answered automatically, not giving myself a second to consider otherwise. But I knew I wasn’t. The acrid reminder still burned the back of my throat. After dragging my feet to the bedroom, I picked up my phone from the floor and sent Sara a text to call me whenever she needed. Then I climbed into my bed, pulled the blanket over me, and shut everything out until I was forced to face it again.

I picked up the phone on the first ring a couple of hours later. Before I could ask how she was, she hollered, ‘He keeps calling me! What the fuck?!’

‘Did you talk to him?’ I asked cautiously, struck by the venom in her tone.

‘Hell no! He can’t call me the day the announcement hits the papers and expect me to listen to an explanation. Fuck that! I’m so pissed off, Emma. So, so pissed!’

‘I can hear that,’ I noted sympathetically. ‘And I understand.’

She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. I knew there weren’t any words to console her. She just needed me to listen, and that’s what I did, as helpless as that made me feel.

‘She’s some fucking socialite from New York. I don’t even think she went to college. How pathetic is that? What the fuck can he possibly see in her? I mean, she is, I guess, attractive or whatever, but what the hell? She has a jewellery line that she puts her name on and claims to be a
designer.
Yeah, right. I can’t fucking believe that’s who he’s marrying! What the –’

Her voice broke off, indicating she was receiving another call.

‘Do you need to get that?’ I offered gently.

She hesitated. ‘Omigod! He’s fucking calling
again
. I need to block his calls and emails, so I gotta go. I’ll call you later.’ And then she was gone.

Her raging fit, coupled with my role as the mute bystander, left me exhausted. I wanted her to feel better. To go back to the exuberant, energetic person I loved like a sister. Sara was stronger than I was, so I had hope that
she’d recover from this. But wanting something didn’t always make it happen.

Every choice had a consequence. I’d earned every aching beat that pounded in my chest.

Emma!

The sound of him calling me, lying battered and abandoned on the floor of my mother’s house, echoed within me. I was the only one to blame for my desolation.

I looked down at my hands and flexed them. They still trembled ever so slightly. I closed my eyes, and the tears were there waiting, dammed by my lids. I clenched my teeth and breathed in quick bursts, demanding the numbness to return.

‘Em, we’re going for a run,’ Serena announced, poking her head in the door. I opened my glassy eyes. Without reacting to my tortured expression, she calmly directed me, ‘Get dressed and come with us.’

I didn’t argue, knowing the run would be more therapeutic than sleep.

Meg was in the hall, tying her running shoes, when I exited my room.

‘Hey,’ she greeted with a comforting smile. ‘Get any sleep?’

‘Some,’ I responded. She didn’t mention the picture from
The
Times
, which was no longer on my computer screen. I knew she’d closed it. Just like I knew that either she or Serena had picked up the photo that was missing from under my nightstand. I wasn’t oblivious to their protective gestures, even if we never talked about them.

‘How’s Sara?’ she asked.

‘Lethal. Jared better hope he never bumps into her.’

Meg smiled, probably picturing Sara in all her vengeance.

‘Ready?’ Peyton bounced out of her room, her blonde hair swinging in a ponytail.

‘Yeah,’ Meg and I answered in unison, following her as she hopped down the stairs.

Serena and Meg were quiet during our run. I wondered if Meg had told Serena what happened, but I wasn’t about to ask. Peyton remained oblivious to the strained silence. She proceeded to recap the fraternity party she’d attended the night before, with detailed descriptions of how each room was decorated in a different book theme, with corresponding drinks.

‘I think I drank every book.’ She laughed. ‘I mean drink.’

‘Shocking,’ Serena scoffed. Peyton ignored her.

‘When are you going out with Cole?’ Peyton interrogated, jogging faster to catch up with my pace.

‘What?’ Her voice was droning in my head like a rhythmic buzz.

‘What’s going on between you two? I never got to ask you, what happened when you met him at Joe’s?’

‘Umm … nothing really,’ I said evasively. ‘It was … nothing.’

‘Are you going to see him again?’ she pushed.

‘I … uh …’

I couldn’t form a sentence, forget about a thought. I was concentrating on not collapsing and bursting into flames right there on the sidewalk.

‘Are
you
ever going out with Tom?’ Meg intercepted. ‘I
mean, you two have been flirting for forever. Does he even have your phone number?’

‘
Yes
,’ Peyton snapped. ‘He has my phone number. We’re just … taking our time.’

I lengthened my stride and left them behind, pushing myself around the next corner until I was sprinting, needing to extinguish the inferno before it consumed the limited air I had left. Serena remained right behind me, her face set and determined.

This only drove me to push harder towards the house, now in sight. My thighs screamed and my lungs burned. I let up and slowed to a walk after passing our front steps. Serena was hunched over with her hands on her thighs, sweat dripping down her flushed face.

‘Fuck, Em,’ she panted. ‘That was intense.’

I continued to walk around, taking long breaths, waiting for my heart rate to come down and the calm to take over. I closed my lids; the flames still danced beneath them, relentless, leaving me out of breath.

‘Serena?’ I said, frantic for relief.

‘Yeah?’ She sat on the bottom step with her elbows propped on the step behind her.

‘Will you do something with me?’

She stood up. ‘Anything.’

‘Will you go with me to get a tattoo?’

‘Today?’ she asked, her eyes scrunching ever so slightly to inspect the smooth expression on my face.

‘Yeah,’ I replied calmly. I knew what I asked her was drastic, but I figured if anyone would understand, she would.

‘Definitely.’ She smiled brightly. ‘I would love to be
there for your first tattoo. Maybe I’ll add one to my collection.’

‘Thanks.’

After we’d showered and changed, Serena and I left for the tattoo parlour without saying anything to Peyton or Meg.

‘What are you going to get?’ she asked, the excitement dancing in her dark eyes. Her enthusiasm to be a part of this was exactly why I needed her to go with me.

I pulled the paper out of my pocket and handed her a drawing I’d created about a year ago, when I was still fighting with the nightmares. I hadn’t sketched it with thoughts of having it permanently inked on my body, but it seemed appropriate.

‘Wow,’ she admired. ‘You drew this?’ I nodded. ‘I didn’t know you could draw. This is amazing, Em. But with all that delicate script, it’s going to take a while. Spider would be the best to do this. Where are you going to get it?’

‘Here.’ I gestured to my left side, above my hip.

She cringed. ‘That’s going to hurt like hell.’

That’s what I was hoping.

I never made it to The Alley to meet Cole. I probably should have called him, but I didn’t. And he didn’t call me either.