Out of Heaven's Grasp (18 page)

* * *

I left the bar and went to a liquor store. I was only eighteen, and I thought that maybe they wouldn’t sell me anything, but they didn’t even check my ID when I brought up the whiskey. I took it back to Ephraim’s house, and I sat in my room, drinking it until I passed out.

I wanted to be numb.

The experience had been too much. Though I hadn’t know Erin very well, I realized that I’d cared about her. I’d wanted her to care about me too. The thing that hurt the most about it was that she hadn’t. I’d been nothing to her. Nothing special. Just some guy. Having sex with her had been sort of important to me, but not to her. I felt like an idiot.

But I was most terrified by the fact that I’d nearly started beating her.

I mean, maybe I wouldn’t have. Maybe it was just a thought that had crossed my head.

But there was a moment in which I was sure that I was going to lose control and go crazy. I never wanted to be the kind of man that my father was. I didn’t want to hit women, and the thought that somewhere inside me, I had so much anger…

I didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to think that.

So, I drank.

I didn’t have to be at work until that evening, but I’d stayed up until the sun came up drinking whiskey, so I slept through my alarm. I was late.

I threw on some clothes and hurried to get to the grocery store, not bothering with a shower. I still smelled of liquor and of the bar. And I wasn’t feeling well either. My head was pounding, my stomach was churning, and my muscles felt weak.

My manager took one look at me stumbling in an hour late, and she shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Jesse,” she said. “I told you when I hired you that there would be no second chances. I can’t have you working here anymore.”

“But… I’m here,” I said. “I came. I just slept through my alarm.”

“You’re a mess,” she said.

I shoved my hands into my pockets, feeling ashamed.

She folded her arms over her chest. “Look, I know it’s not easy. After living the way you did, I’m sure you don’t know where your boundaries are. So, I understand that you have to test them. But the thing is, you need the boundaries to be there, or you won’t learn anything. So, I have to keep my word. I told you that I’d fire you if you showed up drunk, and you smell like a distillery. You have to understand there are consequences. I’m sorry.”

“I know all about consequences,” I said. I was angry again. “What do you think got kicked me out in the first place?”

She patted my shoulder. “You’re a good guy, Jesse. Fact of the matter is, it’s really not about you. I have a grocery store to run, and I need reliable employees. I’m not your mother. I’m just a woman trying to do a job. I can’t trust you anymore. I really am sorry, but you have to go.”

I bit my lip. Now, I was feeling desperate. “Please. I’m sorry. It will never happen again. But I need a job, and I don’t know how I’m going to find another one.”

She smiled sadly. “You should have thought about that before you got so drunk. Maybe next time you will.”

I dragged a hand over my face. “Please?”

She looked away, shaking her head. “I’ve tried before, Jesse, with boys like you. And once you start going off the rails, it’s like you gotta derail the train just to see what happens. And I can’t have that in my store.”

Eventually, I left.

I didn’t know what to do, so I just went back to Ephraim’s house and went back to bed.

* * *

Anthony knocked on my door. “Hey, what are you doing home?”

“I got fired,” I said.

He raised his eyebrows. “That’s bad. What happened?”

I explained to him about the night before with Erin, about getting drunk, about sleeping past my alarm and going in to work smelly.

“I told you to leave that girl alone, didn’t I?” said Anthony.

I groaned. “You did. I should have listened.”

Anthony looked down at his shoes. “You know it happens to all of us.”

“It does?”

He came into my room and sat down on the bed next to me. “After I got out, I had a girlfriend for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so. She was a nice girl from Ephraim’s church, and she didn’t want me to drink a lot or whatever. But… I don’t know, I couldn’t stop. Eventually, she was done with me.”

“Sorry,” I said.

“I liked her.” He leaned back on the bed. “I liked her more than Marilyn, and running around with her got me kicked out of the community.”

I turned back to him. “You did? Because I didn’t like Erin more than…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to say Abby’s name out loud.

“Well, you didn’t really get a chance to know Erin that well,” he said. “Look, all I’m saying is that we had it drilled into our heads that we were supposed to be settling down with a chick and knocking her up over and over again. It totally makes sense that, when you get out, you still sort of want that.” He propped himself up on his elbows. “But you don’t
have
to do that, man. Back in the community, if you wanted to have sex with a girl, you had to marry her and take care of all her babies. But out here, you can just, you know, do her and move on. It’s simpler.”

I looked down at my hands. “I’m not saying I wanted to marry Erin or something.”

He sat up. “Of course you didn’t.” He slapped me on the back. “You just felt obligated.”

I shook my head. “No, I…”

“In the end, she did you a favor, man. You should be relieved. You could have ended up in a relationship with her or something. Anyway, she sounds kind of like a whore.”

I thought about growling those words at her, at how angry I’d been. I felt ashamed.

“The point is,” said Anthony. “You’re not a virgin. You got that out of the way, and now you can move on.”

I scratched the back of my neck. “To have sex with some other girl?”

“Hell yeah, dude. With anyone you want.”

I didn’t say anything.

He punched me on the arm. “It’ll get better.”

I nodded. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, and he was, in a way. But something felt… off about everything. I remembered being back in the community, pining over Abby, and thinking that if I didn’t get to marry her and have sex with her for the first time, I’d feel cheated out of something. I wondered what it would have been like with Abby. Would it have been less awkward and strange?

There was a moment, right after I’d finished, when I was still inside Erin’s body, when I’d felt really close to her, really happy. And then she’d made me leave her room.

Abby would never have done that.

Well… maybe she would have. She told me I was evil, after all. She said she never wanted to see me again.

But if we’d gotten married…

But then…

Then, she wouldn’t have had a choice, would she? We would have been in my house, and she would have been my wife, and she wouldn’t have been allowed to make me leave.

I grimaced. Both ways were wrong somehow. I thought there might be a right way, but I didn’t know what it was or how it would work.

“Hey,” said Anthony.

I looked at him.

“You cool, man?”

“Yeah.” I squared my shoulders. “I’m fine. I mean, it sucks about my job, but I’ll find something else.”

He nodded. “Cool. You just looked like you were deep in thought or something.”

“Kind of,” I said.

“What were you thinking about?”

I rubbed my forehead, feeling a little embarrassed. “Abby.”

“Oh,” he said.

I studied my fingernails. “I asked her to come with me. She said no. She said that I was doing the work of the devil, and that I was trying to drag her down with me.”

Anthony snorted. “Fuck that.”

I got off the bed. “She only said it because that’s all she knows. It’s all any of us knew. She’s never been out here. She’s never had a chance to think for herself.”

“Maybe so, but what she said was cold.”

“Yeah.” I hung my head.

We were quiet.

“You think about her often?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Try not to.”

“That’s good. It’s not going to help anything to think about her.”

I turned to him. “You ever think about Marilyn?”

He shrugged. “Nah. I mean, not really. She’s probably pregnant by now anyway.”

“She is,” I said. “Was when I left anyway.”

His jaw twitched. He vaulted up off the bed. “Let’s go somewhere, man. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

* * *

Abby

Bob stood over the bed, unbuckling his belt. “Come here, honey.”

He’d made me take off all my clothes so that he could look at me, even though he was still dressed. I kept trying to cover myself, and he kept scolding me, telling me that I was his wife and he had a right to see all of me.

I didn’t move.

He motioned with one hand. “Come to the edge of the bed. Crawl over.”

I didn’t want to do it, but I remembered my conversation with my mother about obedience. I had to do whatever Bob said, and I had to try to like it.

So, I got up on all fours and crawled over to him.

“That’s good,” he breathed. He had that lecherous sound in his voice again, and it made my skin crawl.

When I got over to him I stopped.

He reached down to fondle my breasts. His hands were cold and clammy like always. I shut my eyes and did my best not to let it show how disgusted I felt when he touched me.

“Sit down on the bed,” he told me.

I did.

He caressed my face. “You’re so pretty, you know that? Such a sexy little wife.” He made it sound like he owned me.

I guessed he did, if it came to that. It wasn’t as if I could say no, not if I wanted to be right with God.

“Unzip me and take me out,” he said, his voice breathy and eager.

I knew what he meant, and I didn’t want to do it. The part I hated the most was touching his penis. When he had it in me, it was awful, but at least I didn’t have to do anything. I could close my eyes and try to pretend it wasn’t happening.

But now, I had to do what he said, so I followed his instructions. His skin was saggy under his pants, and there was gray in his hair. When I uncovered him, I could smell stale sweat, and I wrinkled my nose.

Bob didn’t notice, though. He was too keen on my putting my hand on him. Which I did, doing my best to breathe through my mouth so I didn’t have to smell him.

He groaned. He liked it when I touched him down there.

I rubbed it the way he’d showed me to do it, the way he liked it.

He closed his eyes. “So nice, Abby. So very nice. Mmm… I love you.”

He’d been saying that a lot too. I wasn’t sure if he expected me to say it back. I sometimes tried, but the words got stuck in my throat. He’d never pointedly asked me about it, though, so maybe it was okay.

He brushed a stray hair out of my face. “I want you to do something special for me tonight, okay, honey?”

I stiffened. Special? We were going to do something different? Why did I get the feeling that
I
wasn’t going to think it was special.

He smiled at me, a self-satisfied smile, his eyes half-lidded in pleasure. “Put it in your mouth.”

My jaw dropped open in horror. He had not just said that.

No.

There was no way that his penis should go in my
mouth
. That was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard of.

His hand curved around the back of my neck, and he urged my face closer to his erection. The scent of sweat was more rank here, and my stomach roiled.

I clamped my lips shut and shook my head furiously.

He ignored me. He pressed my lips against the tip of it. “Go ahead, honey. Open your mouth for me.”

I looked up at him. “Please, Bob, I don’t want to.” I almost never talked to him while we did this. The fact that I was saying anything showed just how appalled I was.

“How do you know you don’t want to? You ever tried it?”

“No,” I said.

“Well, then, see, you’d better just give it a try.”

I shuddered. Bob might stick his penis inside my body, but I was well aware of the
other thing
that he used it for, and I didn’t want
that
anywhere near my mouth. “No, I don’t think so. You can’t make a baby with my mouth, and that’s why we have to do this, so, no.”
No, no, no.

“Oh, shh…” He stroked my hair. “It won’t be so bad. And you’ll make me very happy. And you know that you’re supposed to do whatever you can to please your husband, don’t you, honey?”

I cringed. I was shaking all over again. Every time I was with Bob, I seemed to shake.

“You have to obey me,” he said. “It’s the will of God.”

Everyone said so. Even my own mother. I wondered if she’d tell me that I should obey Bob in this, in putting my mouth on this filthy part of his body.